Brand New Day Chapter 9: Kick In The Teeth, a vampire diaries fanfic

Author's Note: Hey all! Here's another chapter for ya. =] I really appreciate all the awesome reviews from you all. They were definitely helpful. Anywho, enjoy!

I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS.
Music Credit: "Kick In The Teeth" by Papa Roach

Chapter Nine:

~*.*~
'We live in a cold, dark world with venom in its veins.
You can spit in my face but I know I'll be okay.
It's on the attack – it's a war; it's a game.
A ball and chain, chew my arm off to get away.

Don't fight it or deny it – invite it!
'Cause when it feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.
Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.
Say what you want – take your shots.
You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth!

Na, na, na, na, na, na
(Kick in the teeth)
Na, na, na, na, na, na

I gotta say thanks, 'cause you kick me when I'm done.
I'm bleeding out the mouth. I hope you know I'm stronger now.
I'm taking the hate; I'm turning it around.
I won't go down 'til I'm six feet underground.'
~*.*~

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Bonnie, I know it's late, but I just found out some news. You're gonna want to hear this in person." Liz said.

"Okay, you can come over."

"I didn't mean to wake you up." She apologized. I know I'm groggy.

"It's okay. It sounds important."

"I'll see you in a few." She ended the call. I practically slept walked down stairs. Zach was still awake drinking coffee on the couch. He looked surprised to see me up so early. I'd been sleeping a lot later since I've been staying here.

"Liz is coming over. She said she had news. It sounds bad." I told him. He frowned and gave me a quick hug.

"Did she say what it might be?" He asked. I shook my head.

"Just that she wanted to give it to me in person," I told him.

"I guess we'll know when she gets here." He got me a cup of coffee. We sat in a comfortable silence waiting for the doorbell to ring. Time seemed to crawl by. Finally, we heard a knock on the door. I got up to answer it.

"Morning," I let her inside. "Want some coffee?" I offer.

"That'd be great – thank you." She told me. She takes it black. I've been getting her coffee for years now. I handed her a steaming mug. She took a small drink. "You may want to sit down." She gestured to the couch. I followed her advice and took a seat. "I've always wondered why your grandmother couldn't get custody of you. It's just odd how things went down for you. I know that the foster care was a temporary thing, but normally they'd keep you with a relative first. I guess there was an anonymous tip to the judge working your case that your grandmother had an alcohol addiction. I don't know who it was from. Needless to say, the psychiatrist who evaluated you was friends with David Glass. He told the judge you were in a fragile state and that Sheila wasn't a suitable guardian based on his profession opinion. I overheard the doctor and David talking at the station yesterday. It ate away at me all night. I just couldn't tell you something like that over the phone." Liz looked like she was gonna cry. It takes a lot to make her emotional, being the sheriff and all. I was floored. You know, you get to that point where nothing can surprise you, and then shit just surprises you.

I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling. The sun will be up soon but I just can't go back to sleep. My mind's running on overdrive. I keep thinking back on everything and I wonder how I got to this point in life. I just want to lay in bed for a few days and forget about everything and everyone else, just for a little while. Everything has happened so fast, I just need to catch breath.

Even when I try to focus on the good things, it gets overwhelming. I had an almost relationship with Stefan. That got cut short before it could even turn into anything. I can't really be with him while we're living together and pushing for Zach to get custody of me. And then there's Damon. He's something else entirely. I'd say he's a friend. I feel comfortable around him. There's just something about him that makes me trust him. Stefan is kind of the same way.

Truthfully, Damon kissed me purely to get under Stefan's skin. I'm not even worried about it. I don't want a relationship. I can barely handle hugging anyone, let alone anything else. You're supposed to be able to share yourself with your significant other, even if it wasn't the physical kind of sharing, I don't know if I'd ever be ready for that kind of commitment. Letting people know what I'm thinking and feeling scares me to no end. I kept things to myself for so long – it's how I've stayed alive.

I'm amazed that I'm in the condition I'm in. It could have been so much worse and gone so much further. It didn't, and I thank goddess for it. I keep wondering how I mustered to stand up to David and Sharon. I'm not sure if I really understand it myself. Everyone has at least one defining moment in their lives; I think mine is the night that David attacked me after Stefan came over for dinner. There's some point that your survival instincts just kick in.

I don't know why mine took so long to kick in or maybe it was the opportunity that presented itself – I don't know. I'm not sure if I ever will. I just knew that if I went back after that night that I wouldn't be alive now. It's that sinking feeling that you feel in your gut that something awful is about to happen or that bad taste in the back of your mouth that just won't go away. Either way, I wouldn't say I'm glad that it happened, but I am glad that I managed to get out.

I just don't know how I can face him in court. I can't tell all those people what he did to me. It's hard enough to rehash them privately in the safety of my mind, let alone for strangers. I feel weak enough as it is. I wasn't ever strong enough to stop them. I know that. I know it's the truth. The worst part is feeling like I deserved it all. I keep trying to keep those thoughts vacant from my mind, but they always find a way to worm back through.

I was doing so well for awhile. I let myself believe that maybe I'd have a chance to get my happy ending. I thought that if I took Damon's advice or believed that I really had a chance with Stefan that things would somehow work out for me in the end. It didn't. Maybe if I had stuck to the rules that followed growing up, I'd still have my virginity. I can't keep pretending that I don't hate myself.

There are so many things that I could have done differently. Possibilities, different scenarios, and what-ifs swirled around my brain. I can't take it anymore.

I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a few sleeping pills. I took a drink of water and swallowed the pills. I willed sleep to take me to a place where my thoughts wouldn't haunt my mind.

"Bonnie, wake up." Someone started shaking me. I jumped, nearly falling out of bed.

"Don't touch me. Please, don't touch me." I said, trying to focus my eyes. How late is it? I must have been out cold for awhile. The lawyer wasn't supposed to come by until four this afternoon. Stefan's standing in front of me, waiting for me to wake up. "What-time-is-it?" I mumbled. My mouth feels like cotton. I hate sleeping pills but sometimes it's the only way I can get a good night's sleep… or any sleep for that matter.

"It's two-thirty. I figured you might want to have time to get ready." He said gently. He moved to get leave but I grabbed his hand. He turned back around to face me.

"Please, don't leave. I just don't want to be alone right now." I told him. He nodded and sat down on the bed next to me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered. I laid my head on his shoulder, hesitantly. He didn't push it.

"I'm not sure if I do or how I'd say it if I want to." I told him.

"I'll listen if you want to try." He ran his fingers through my hair. It's amazing how something so simple can be so soothing. This reminds me why I liked being with him in the first place. He's a caregiver. He makes me feel like I'm still worth something. I have no idea what he sees in me. I'm just a shell.

"Everything comes back to the fact that I feel tainted." I whispered. He didn't say anything for a long while, just kept running his fingers through my hair.

"I know that what he did changed you. I can't imagine how you must feel and I can't lie to you and tell you that I understand, because I don't. I do know that at least part of you is still that amazing human being that I first met in class. You're still that shy girl that Mr. Tanner tried to bully in class. You're powerful and smart and beautiful and kind. I think that you just have to rediscover those things about yourself and it's going to take a lot of time. And, that's okay. You're allowed to take time to grieve and think things over. It's how you cope and move past those obstacles. No one else can do it but you." Stefan pressed a feather-light kiss on my hair. I closed my eyes against his touch.

He managed to say everything that I needed to hear, whether he knew it or not. He didn't tell me that I was crazy or that I was wrong for feeling what I was feeling. He didn't tell me that everything was going to be okay or that David would get what's coming to him. There is no way to know the future. I'm trying so hard to take that first step: acceptance. I'm starting to think that is the hardest part.

~*.*~
'Don't fight it or deny it – invite it!
'Cause when it feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.
Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.
Say what you want – take your shots.
You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth!

Na, na, na, na, na, na
(Kick in the teeth)
Na, na, na, na, na, na

What does kill me only…
Will make me stronger in my head,
In my head.

Author's Note: Alrighty, SO, a lot shorter than I was planning. BUT I wanted to slow things down a little bit. Some Lexi interaction next chapter. Much love!

Xo Xo
Anneryn