Chapter Twenty
No More Secrets, No More Lies
"Hey there, Tandy. How y'all doin'?"
"Hey, Deacon! Great - I'm doin' great."
Deacon leaned in, somewhat awkwardly, to receive Tandy's embrace and kiss on the cheek. It felt even stranger than he'd expected, waltzing into Lamar Wyatt's Belle Meade mansion this afternoon, as though he were some kind of prodigal son. It was not so long ago that this family had seethed with contempt for him, after all. They would have been more likely to bar the doors than welcome his arrival.
Although he had made his amends to Tandy while wrangling the reconciliation between her and Rayna, Deacon hadn't spoken to Lamar in years and didn't much want to. It would have to happen eventually, he knew. That much he'd realized a few minutes earlier, when Gus had let out a long, low whistle and a holy shit! as the two of them had walked up the driveway of the white-pillared mansion.
His reaction had jarred Deacon into a simple realization: He was Lamar-fucking-Wyatt's son-in-law. If things were different - if he were different - he might be groomed to run Wyatt Industries someday. He wasn't sure whether this idea was more astonishing or amusing.
"Hey, you okay?" Tandy's voice and the concern on her face jolted Deacon back to the present.
"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. It's just kinda weird to be here, is all. Anyway ... how'd everything go?"
"Good, real good, I think. Rayna had a great time."
"Nice to hear it." Deacon looked around. "Where is she?"
Tandy lowered her voice. "I think she and Daddy are talking. I sent each of them in the direction of the library, hoping they'd run into each other. Give 'em a few minutes, will you?"
"Sure." Deacon glanced to his left. "Hey, you remember my sponsor, Gus?"
Tandy smiled, reaching over to shake Gus's hand. "Oh yeah, the guy with the Harley. How could I forget? I haven't hung onto a man that tight, for that long, since - I don't even remember when."
They all laughed, and Deacon thought Gus actually blushed a little. He'd persuaded his sponsor to help him with a slew of chores around the house that afternoon while Gus's wife, Wanda, was at Rayna's baby shower. Deacon was hoping Rayna wouldn't be too tired to go out that night. He wanted to treat Gus and Wanda and their kids to pizza as a thank you. He and Gus had gotten the lake house in good working order on the outside, and with the way Rayna had been scouring and organizing on the inside - nesting, she called it - everything seemed ready. All they needed now was the baby.
Deacon chatted for a few minutes with the last of the party guests, all of whom wanted to congratulate him and ask questions about how he felt about fatherhood, whether he was nervous about getting Rayna to the hospital on time, and what name they had picked out for their baby girl. The truth was, they couldn't agree on a name, and he was uncomfortable with all the attention, especially when it came from the country club set. Still, Deacon smiled and socialized for as long as he could stand it, then he yanked Gus's sleeve on the premise that he needed help loading the party gifts into his truck.
He hadn't spent much time in this house and he wasn't exactly sure where the library was, though he knew it was on the first floor. He made a couple of wrong turns, Gus trailing behind him through a series of parlors, a formal dining room and some kind of butler's pantry. Eventually, they agreed to split up and look for the library separately.
Gus went off in one direction and Deacon went off in the other. When he turned a corner a moment later, he very nearly collided with the master of the house.
"Oh! Uh, sorry."
"Excuse me," Lamar said, clearing his throat. "I didn't see you there."
They stood, facing each other, neither sure what to say or do. Deacon didn't think he'd ever seen Rayna's father at a loss for words before.
"Well, young man, I understand you married my daughter," Lamar said, finally.
And did it without my permission, after you knocked her up.
And you put her out of this house when she was just a girl who'd lost her mama.
"We got married a couple weeks ago; that's right."
"Better late than never, I suppose."
Deacon wondered if he was expected to laugh at this. It wasn't funny, so he didn't. The awkward silence continued until Lamar cleared his throat once again.
"Deacon, I don't mind telling you that I don't much like you. And I imagine you probably feel the same way about me. We've had our share of dust-ups over the years. But, like I told Rayna, you're family now. Both of you are welcome in this house and I hope you'll come around once in a while. I'd like us to get a fresh start, for my granddaughter's sake."
Dimly, Deacon realized that the unfamiliar look on Lamar's face was something approaching sincerity.
He hesitated, then spoke slowly. "I think every child ought to know her grandparents. But Rayna comes first in this and it's going to be her decision. I'll support whatever she wants to do. If she wants us to spend time here with the baby, I won't stand in her way."
"Thank you, it means a lot to me." Lamar paused, then reached out awkwardly to place a hand on Deacon's shoulder. "Tandy says you're doing well. I'm glad."
This was the longest, and by far the most civil, conversation they had ever had. Deacon decided not to push his luck with small talk. "Thanks. Uh, I'm lookin' for Ray right now. Could you point me in the direction of the library?"
Gus was already standing on the threshold of the large, book-lined room when Deacon walked up and noticed the funny look on his friend's face. He started to ask what was wrong, but the words faded from his lips as he followed Gus's gaze.
There, on the far side of the room, Rayna was in deep conversation with Teddy Conrad. He was standing so close, he was almost embracing her. His hands were gripping her forearms and she was looking up at him earnestly, her face close to his. He expected to see Rayna step backwards or push Teddy away, but she didn't. Deacon stood rooted to the spot, completely thrown by this sight. For an instant, he felt embarrassed, as if he were disturbing them in an intimate moment.
Then anger surged through him as he remembered this man no longer had a right to any kind of intimacy with Rayna. She was his wife now - and he'd be goddamned if he would let this go on for another minute. Gus put a warning hand on Deacon's arm, but he started toward them. Then he stopped again as he picked up snatches of their conversation.
"I loved you so much, babe."
"It would have been mine. Ours."
"Deacon never would have had to know."
Standing just behind Deacon, Gus heard the words as well, and he grabbed at Deacon's arm again. But it was too late. Deacon clenched his fists, shook him off and walked toward Rayna, shock and something like guilt appearing on her face as she turned around and spotted him. The shove he gave Teddy was not very forceful. But Teddy was caught by surprise and staggered backward a few steps.
"Hey! What the hell was that for?!"
"That was for tryin' to steal my family, you bastard!" Deacon growled. "Isn't that what y'all were talkin' about just now?"
Teddy got a smug smile on his face. "Gimme a break, Deacon," he scoffed. "You don't know the first thing about it."
"Oh, really? Well, why don't you two just fill me in, then?" Deacon was talking to Teddy, but he was looking directly at Rayna, her face masked by guilt and fear.
"Babe, calm down," she started, laying a hand on his arm.
"When were you gonna let me in on this, Rayna?" he asked, his tone deadly serious.
She hesitated, her eyes wide. Before she could answer, Teddy stepped in between them.
"Leave her alone, Deacon. God, what's wrong with you? Are you drinking again, is that it?"
"Get off me, you jackass," Deacon said, his voice low and his jaw clenched. Teddy's eyes narrowed and he stood his ground. Deacon felt his blood boiling. He hauled his fist back, intending to bring it down squarely on Teddy's nose; he'd been in enough bar fights to know that that's where it would inflict the most pain. He could tell, even before he swung his arm forward, that Teddy was slow and stupid; he wasn't going to react fast enough to get out of the way. Deacon anticipated the satisfying crunch of bone under his knuckles.
But what he didn't anticipate was Gus, who had lived to tell tales from a dozen biker bar melees, and who acted even faster than he could. Before he landed the blow, Gus had him in a vice grip around the chest and was hauling him backward. Deacon's fist barely glanced off Teddy's jaw, but the punch was enough to draw a muffled scream from Rayna and a groan from Teddy. He reeled backwards onto a couch, his arms flailing, and knocked over a large, flower-filled vase behind it with a loud crash.
"Stop it!" Rayna yelled, as Gus struggled to hold Deacon back.
"He can't fuckin' talk to me that way!"
"Jesus, Deacon! You're insane!" Teddy barked, rubbing his chin and wincing in pain.
"C'mon, man, let's get ya outta here," Gus said, hauling Deacon out of the room. He looked over at Rayna as he passed her. "Lemme talk to him a minute. He'll be okay."
Rayna was standing, frozen, with her hands covering her mouth and a horrified look on her face, but she managed a nod. Deacon shook himself free of Gus's grasp and shot a piercing look at Rayna, but he reluctantly followed Gus out of the room.
Just then, Tandy burst into the library from the direction of the sun room. "What in the world is going on in here?!" she asked, surveying the broken pottery and the flowers and water all over the floor. Rayna just shook her head.
Teddy stood up, still rubbing his jaw, and walked over to Rayna. "Now you know why I'm worried," he said, tersely. "He may not be drinking, but he's got a violent temper. You know that. You shouldn't be alone with him, let alone with a baby."
Rayna narrowed her eyes. "Shut up, Teddy. God, I'm sick of you. You know what? Just get the hell out of this house."
"Rayna-" he started, but she stepped toward him and took his elbow, steering him out of the library. "Don't you get it?" she hissed, as she marched him toward the entryway. "He loves me. He loves us. He's not going to hurt either one of us - ever."
They were at the front door now. Peggy hurried up to them, looking concerned. "What's going on?" she asked, gasping as she caught sight of the red mark on Teddy's face.
But Teddy was entirely focused on Rayna. He took hold of her shoulders and looked down at her, concerned. "Rayna, I'm scared for you. What if he hurts you?"
"What if he does?" Rayna shot back. "It's none of your goddamned business, Teddy. He's my husband. Do you understand that? Now please, just leave." Rayna opened the door and looked over at Peggy. "Both of you."
"I'm sorry about the vase. Tell Daddy we'll replace it."
Tandy waved her hand, dismissively. "Don't worry about it. I just can't believe Deacon hit him. What in the world set him off?"
Rayna sighed and lowered herself into an overstuffed armchair, dropping her face into her hands. "Oh, Teddy was being a complete jerk, talking to me about what could have been and telling me how much he loved me. Bringing up all kinds of water under the bridge."
"And Deacon ...?"
"I think Deacon must have overheard some of it. I turned around and all of a sudden he was right there, pushing Teddy and looking at me like - I don't know, like he hated me or something." Rayna shook her head, looking at her sister. "Then Teddy accused him of drinking again and Deacon just took a swing at him. Thank god Gus was here, or it would've been a lot worse."
"He still has a temper, doesn't he?"
Rayna stared daggers at Tandy. "It wasn't Deacon's fault. Teddy started talking about how he wanted me to marry him. He reminded me how he wanted us to pretend the baby was his, and not tell Deacon any different. I never breathed a word of that to Deacon, because I was afraid something like this would happen. But if Deacon heard it, he has every right to be furious with Teddy. And with me."
Rayna was dry-eyed, but devastated. Tandy sat down on the arm of Rayna's chair, hugging her. "It's okay, babe. He loves you so much, he could never stay mad at you. I'm sure it'll be okay."
Rayna looked up at her big sister, her expression dead serious. "You probably still think I made a mistake, turning Teddy down and marrying Deacon. Don't you? Be honest with me."
"No. Actually, that's not what I think at all. I think you did the right thing, and I think you made the right choice, Rayna."
Rayna looked surprised. "Really? But you were so all-fired-up about me taking Teddy's offer."
"I know. But that was before."
"Before what?"
"Before I talked to Deacon, and Gus, and Jill. Before they explained all the work Deacon's been doing in recovery, and how serious he is about it. And before I realized ..." Tandy's voice trailed off.
Rayna looked at her, quizzically. "Before you realized what?"
"Before I realized how much you and mom are alike."
Rayna stared at her sister, mystified. "Mom? What's she got to do with this?"
Tandy took a deep breath. "I thought I was protecting you all these years, keeping it from you, Rayna. But now I think maybe I was the one who made the mistake." Tandy stood up and crossed the room to stand behind the couch where Teddy had landed. "Talking to Deacon, really understanding how he feels about you - well, it reminded me of something."
"Tandy, what in god's name are you talking about?"
Tandy looked off into the distance and began walking back and forth behind the couch. Rayna stared at her.
"After mama died, Daddy wouldn't let anyone touch her things; I don't know if you remember that. Then one Christmas after you moved out, he asked me to help him go through her closets so we could donate some of her clothes to the rummage sale at the club."
"Uh-huh..."
Tandy stopped walking and faced her sister, hands clasped together under her chin. "Well, when I was sorting through everything one afternoon, I found a box."
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "A box."
"Yes. A shoebox. Full of correspondence. Letters, pictures, notes." She hesitated briefly. "Love notes."
"Yeah, and-?"
"And - they weren't addressed to Daddy."
Rayna just stared, transfixed.
Tandy took a deep breath and let it out. "Rayna, mom had a friend; a singer-songwriter friend. They wrote to each other for years. They were together more than 10 years."
The truth dawned slowly over Rayna and her jaw dropped. "Together? You mean...?"
"Yes. And Rayna, the man she was involved with was Watty White."
"No!" Rayna sat back, one hand at her throat and the other resting on her stomach. She shook her head in disbelief. "Tandy - you're sure? I can't believe it!"
"Believe it. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to hurt your memory of mom. But I think we've had quite enough secrets in this family by now. You have a right to know - everything."
"Oh, poor daddy!" Rayna felt devastated for her father. "Do you think he knew?"
Tandy nodded. "I do. Rayna, those letters - they were heartbreaking. When we were kids, we knew she was unhappy. But I didn't have any idea how miserable things were between her and Daddy. Or what a strong bond she had with Watty. She loved him, Rayna. More than anything."
Rayna was still trying to process this news. It was shocking, to say the least. And yet somehow, her past was already starting to rearrange itself and make more sense than it had in years. For one thing, she finally understood why Tandy had never wanted to talk about their mother. And Watty...
"God, no wonder Watty took such an interest in me, when I first started singing! And no wonder Daddy was so angry about it. The day he threw me out of this house - it was the day I told him Watty had gotten me my first paying gig!"
"I know, I remembered that too. Clears up a lot, doesn't it? But you know what I've been thinking about lately?"
"What?"
"A marriage of convenience is a terrible thing. Mama didn't love Daddy when she married him - at least not like she loved Watty. The two of them had a connection - a soul-mate kind of thing, something they felt through their music. It reminded me so much ..."
"... of me and Deacon."
"Exactly. Rayna, you could have married Teddy. I even told you to do it. And maybe the stability and the regular job and the way he adored you would have been enough, for a while. But not forever. You and Deacon - for all the heartache you've been through together - you've got something special, babe. Not everyone gets to experience it. It's something worth hanging onto."
Mildred bustled into the library carrying a dustpan and a mop. Tandy had explained the broken vase as a simple accident. And thank goodness the house was so big that Lamar apparently hadn't even heard the ruckus.
Needless to say, the pizza party was put on hold and Gus went home with Wanda. Deacon and Rayna drove home in silence, each of them reeling from the afternoon's revelations. When they got back to their house, Deacon carried all the gifts into the nursery and walked into the kitchen where Rayna was heating up leftovers for dinner. Without saying a word, he scooped some ice cubes into a bowl, added cold water, and pulled a bar stool up to the counter, perching himself on it while he iced the knuckles of his right hand. He winced and sucked in air through his front teeth as the pain raced up his arm.
"Is your hand going to be okay?"
"Yup."
"Lemme see it." Rayna walked over and pulled his hand out of the slush. "Let it soak for a while and then I'll tape it up later. At least it's not your left hand."
"I'll be fine. It's not the first time I busted up my knuckles, throwin' a punch. I just wish I would'a gotten a good lick in on him. That fucker deserved it."
Rayna put his hand back into the bowl, shooting him a disapproving look but refraining from comment.
"I can't believe he was gonna do somethin' like that to me. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Deacon, why would I tell you? I knew you'd react exactly like you did today. Besides, I didn't take him up on it."
"But you could have. You thought about it. Didn't you?" Deacon looked up at her, his face full of hurt. His eyes had that haunted look in them that nearly killed her, every time. "Did you consider keepin' my baby girl away from me, and pretendin' she was his?"
Rayna couldn't stand to look at him, especially knowing how head-over-heels in love he was with his daughter, even before he'd met her. She turned her gaze aside.
"Don't lie to me, Rayna," he whispered.
Rayna faced him again. "I thought about a lot of things back then, Deacon. I thought about not having this baby at all, remember?"
"Oh yeah I remember, Rayna. Believe me, I remember."
His stare held a kind of accusation in it that completely startled her. He had never before suggested that he resented her considering an abortion. Now, this realization that some part of him did, cut her to the quick. Sudden anger surged through her. Who the hell was he to judge her, after he'd put her in such an awful position?
Rayna took a deep breath and turned away from him for a few moments, resting her palms on the kitchen counter. She couldn't let her anger get the best of her. Getting mad at him would only push him away, and she couldn't risk a serious breach between them, not right now. She'd known as soon as she heard Tandy's words earlier that her sister was right: She would never have been happy with Teddy, no matter how stable and supportive a husband he might have made. Marrying him wouldn't have been fair to either one of them.
No, she was right where she was supposed to be, ready to start her family with Deacon. She just needed to do right by him; make him understand. She took another deep breath, and turned back toward him, determined to reach him.
"Babe, look at me, please." They were close together, his hand still immersed in the ice water. He looked up, hurting. "I'm not going to lie to you, Deacon. I did think about Teddy's offer."
Even imagining that she could have betrayed him brought fresh pain into his eyes. She put her hands on his shoulders, knowing that all she had left was honesty.
"You have to remember what you were like-"
"I remember, Rayna. It wasn't very long ago."
"Then you'll understand why I was so scared, Deacon. I wasn't strong then, like I am now. I didn't know anything about recovery. You always kept me in the dark about it and I didn't ask or understand things like I should have. I didn't know that you really had a chance to get better."
"That idiot wanted you to keep my child a secret from me! He wanted you to pretend a stranger was her father! How could he even think that would be possible?"
"You didn't remember, Deacon. You didn't remember asking me to marry you; you didn't remember having sex with me that night. Teddy and I could have gotten away with it. If I hadn't talked to Jill that first time I went to Riverside, I-"
She paused, half-afraid to continue and half-afraid not to. "I probably would have done it."
He yanked his hand from the ice water and turned his back on her, walking out of the kitchen looking more disgusted and disappointed than ever. Rayna was afraid that total honesty had just backfired. But she wasn't sure how else to get through to him. She started to feel desperation creep into her bones. He would always love her, she knew that beyond a doubt. But she also knew that he had an enormous capacity to be wounded, especially if he felt betrayed. And especially by her. And once he got hurt, he got depressed; and when he got depressed he had a tried-and-true coping mechanism that she couldn't risk him reaching for again.
Not now. God, not now.
Deacon was fidgeting and fuming, pacing the length of the living room as she watched him across the kitchen counter. She calculated that she had roughly two minutes before he stormed out the door.
What to do? She had to do something.
And then suddenly, an idea came to her. It was a Hail Mary, but she had to try it. Rayna went over and stood right in front of him, blocking his path. He stopped walking, but kept his head down.
"Look at me, babe. If you love me, please listen to me." She heard the pleading note in her own voice but she was beyond caring. Slowly, reluctantly, he raised his head and looked her in the eye.
"What's the number one thing you learned from recovery, Deacon?"
He looked confused, and a little annoyed at the question. But finally he shook his head and shrugged.
"I dunno, Rayna - what?"
"What counts isn't what you say, or what you think, or even what you want. What counts is what you do."
It took a moment before Deacon realized she was quoting his own words back at him, nearly verbatim. He dropped his gaze again. Rayna pressed on.
"What counts is what you do. That's what you've been saying, all this time, isn't it? So, is that only good for you? Or does it apply to me, too?"
Nothing else she could have said would have had the same impact. She had him, dead-to-rights, and he knew it. Suddenly Rayna felt a flicker of hope and her chest opened up. She felt like she could breathe again. She stepped closer to him and relief washed over her when he looked at her. This time, there was a different light in his eyes: The light of forgiveness. She took his face into her hands.
"I love you, babe. Yes, Teddy wanted me to lie to you, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep you out of our lives."
Deacon stifled a sob and pulled her as close to him as he could, burying his face in her hair. "Oh, darlin', I'm so sorry. You did right by me, and that's what counts. That's all that matters to me."
Tears of relief streamed down Rayna's face. "I took a chance on you babe, a big chance; one everyone told me not to take. I didn't know if I had the strength. But I believed in you, Deacon. I always have."
They stood there holding each other for a long time, all the secrets between them finally washed away along with their tears. Each of them realized, somehow, that this night marked the end of one long season of their lives. The beginning of the next was just days away.
"Thank you," he whispered eventually, still not able to let her go.
"You shouldn't have to thank me for not lying, Deacon."
"I meant thanks for takin' a chance on me. You didn't have to, I always knew that. But you did it anyway." He pulled his head back and looked at her. "You're never gonna regret that, not as long as I live. And darlin' - you're the strongest woman I've ever met. I never doubted it."
She smiled through her tears. "I don't know about that," she said. "I'm just glad you're a man worth taking a chance on."
A/N: Yes, we are *finally* going to get a baby in the next chapter, I promise! I would never have believed, when I started this little experiment, that it would take me five months and 20 chapters to get here, but somehow it has. I can't say thank you enough to all the readers who have kept up with this fic and for all the wonderful reviews you've posted. Writing this has been a true joy, surpassed only by knowing so many of you are enjoying it along with me. Special thanks once again to my beta, Shiny Jewel, who has a good eye, great suggestions and boundless encouragement. Karen