Hey guys, sorry again for the wait on this one. It was a bit hard to write, and I wanted to get it just right. So, um, I guess I should give you all a tissue warning. Which is my first warning ever in any fic I've written.

Thanks to Kyla713 for looking this over, and to Packeh, Heather and Nikki for reading this for me and leaving me shouty caps through out the doc.

I'll just let you all get to it now. I'll meet you at the bottom with tissues and ice cream.

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Bella hadn't been herself the last few days since the failed attempt at the first round of chemo. She's been quiet, and sleeping more, in my guess, as a way to avoid reality. I tried to bring her out of the funk she was in, but on the other hand, I understood. I would probably react just as she had.

She was napping again while my mom made her lunch, so I decided to head back to what was now our bedroom, since I didn't have much else to do. I sat down on the bed, trying hard not to think negatively or break down. I was obviously failing. My eyes roamed our room as I noticed how well we'd incorporated our space since she arrived here. It brought me a slight reprieve from the suffocating emotions that stifled the air around me. My eyes were drawn to a closed black leather journal that was Bella's. I had watched her write in it a lot lately, when she thought I wasn't around. I'd watched her cry, releasing gut-wrenching sobs as her pen moved over the paper. I never looked, simply because I'd never sneak a peek without her permission.

But the more I stared at it, the more something inside of me told me I needed to read her words. I'd deal with the guilt later.

I picked it up, the leather feeling as if it was branding itself on my skin as I opened it. A piece of paper fell out and fluttered to the floor. Naturally, my curiosity nagged at me, so I picked it up and opened it, and began to read her somewhat messy scrawls.

I learned that I'm not as immortal as I had hoped I was, so this is my 'just in case I die' letter. Or maybe more like my obituary/will. I'd rather be the one to write this, than to have my dad or Edward be tasked with writing it. They already have enough to worry about.

So, let's get the hard stuff out of the way first.

To my dad: I want you to know that throughout everything, the good and the bad, I have always loved you. You always, no matter what, believed in me and what I could be. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be your little girl. Thank you for helping to bring me into this world. You are the best dad anyone could ask for. I was so lucky to have the one dad in the whole world who is beyond amazing. You are everything. I never wanted to say goodbye to you. I used to dread the day that I'd have to bury you when you reached an old age, but now.. I'm scared of you having to bury me. I never wanted that. It's not fair. This game they call life isn't fair.

I leave you all the memories, good and bad. Every photo, video of me you have. I leave you my diaries that I want you to read after I'm long gone, just so you'll know just how much I loved my dad when he took on the role of being a mom and dad all those years ago. I want you to find love, Dad, that's all I wish. I want you to find happiness, to smile and laugh.

To my mom: I don't know what to say here. We were never that close, and over the past few months, you've shown your true colors when it comes to my illness and diagnosis. I know that, as a mom, you tried your best. I do love you, Mom, with all my heart. I hope that someday, you'll realize that. I leave you with happy memories, and letters I wrote you when I was younger. I seem to be more honest on paper, than I am face to face. Maybe you will find some solace in my words. I don't know. I hope you have a happy life, Mom.

I had to put down the paper, my eyes were blurred with tears. I tried to hold a sob in, but my breaths were coming in rapid succession. I needed to finish reading it, even though I knew I shouldn't be, but something compelled me to.

To Carlisle and Esme: I've only known you a short few months, and in that time, you two have become the best second set of parents anyone could ask for. From the moment I was introduced to you two, I felt loved. So much love, that I didn't know what to do with it all. I instantly felt like you guys had taken me in as a daughter. I will forever cherish every hug, forehead kiss that you two gave me. Every moment you told me to be brave. It meant so much to me. I love you both, more than you will possibly ever know. I don't know what to leave you with, but I do have a request. Look after Edward. Make sure he's happy, that he goes on and finds love and happiness. I don't want him to be sad, not for long. I want you to constantly remind him that I loved him beyond anything rational. That he was and will forever be my heart and soul. Don't let him cry or mourn for too long. Make him laugh. Thank you for being here for me.

To Edward: Please don't cry. I know that you are probably a mess as you read this. I need you to know that you've made my life so much better than I could ever have dreamed of. These last few years have been a dream, the last few months have been heaven. You are everything I ever wanted in a husband. I'm just sad we won't make it down the aisle. I had dreams that I'd be wearing a white dress, you in a beautiful tux as I met you at the end of the altar. I also dreamed that we would have a daughter, maybe a son or two. I'm drowning in sorrow with the knowledge that I will never be able to give that to you. You are my happiness, you are my forever. I will love you until the stars refuse to shine, and heaven ceases to exist. Though I hope one day, I'll see you up there with me.

My sobs were gut-wrenching as I curled up into a ball and held her letter to my chest. I still had a page or two to go, but I refused to accept a reality where she ceased to exist. I loved her words that she gifted to me, but the ones I was reading at the moment were killing me.

My Edward, I leave you with an eternity of kisses and I love yous. Memories of us smiling and laughing, cuddling and fighting over who is the best character in Harry Potter. I leave you all of my Harry Potter collection. But most of all, I leave you with my words. Every word I have ever posted, and even some that haven't seen the light of day yet. You'll find copies of my stories in the chest by our bed, and a journal filled with an original story I was working on. I've even made copies of every review, email, text you've ever left me and my replies. I want you to remember that no one loved you as much as I did.

To everyone else: I leave you with happiness and love. I hope that someone makes Alice finish my stories for me if I can't. I hope that Jasper reviews them with his smartass attitude. I hope that you all go on living, enjoying life. I thank you for allowing me a little space in yours. It was a pleasure to know each and every one of you. So, if you have to write an obit in the newspaper, write me as honest as you can, that I did love the life I was given, as unfair as my end was. That I was obsessed with Harry Potter, that I loved to write, smile and laugh. That I'm not sad to say goodbye, because I know somehow, someway, I will see you all again soon.

"After all, to the well organized mind, Death is but the next great adventure." ~Albus Dumbledore

I lost it, no longer able to hold everything inside of me, and I let it all go. Tears soaked my pillow as I sobbed, mourning a loss that I hoped that I would never have to endure. I wasn't ready, and I doubted that I'd ever be. The letter fell from my hand as I curled further up into a ball, trying in some way, to hold myself together.

"I never wanted you to find that, but I suppose it is a good thing that you did." My eyes found Bella standing at our bedroom's doorway as she leaned on the doorjam. "I think maybe I needed someone to read those words, because I couldn't voice, and I still can't, just how scared I am of dying," she said, walking towards me, and I opened up my arms for her. She slowly climbed up on the bed and fell into my arms, her head laying on my chest as I held her as tightly as I could, and just let my tears flow, not at all able to stop them.

"I am scared of dying, and now with the failed chemo, it seems like it is becoming a very real possibility." Her voice wavered as she wrapped her arms around me tighter.

"One failed attempt does not mean the end. I don't want you giving up. I can't live in a world where you don't exist, Bella." I kissed the top of her head, breathing her in, reminding myself that she was still there.

"That chemo could have killed me-"

"But it didn't, Bella," I said, interrupting. "I think the fact that you didn't proves that you have so much fight in you. We have other options."

Bella sniffled, and then sat up away from me, her hands fiddled with the blankets. "And what if those options don't work as well, Edward? What then?"

"I refuse to accept that, Bella. I refuse to allow us to have another failure." I sobbed, my words caught in my throat as I fumbled to pull her back down with me. "I don't think you realize just how much you are a part of me. I will beg God, anyone that will listen, if it means that I can keep you on this earth longer."

"I am scared this next attempt will be my last," she admitted in a hushed voice.

"Is that why you wrote that? Have you given up already?"

"I don't know. I don't want to go into another treatment and have them tell me, well, that's it, and condemn me."

"Bella, love...If everyone doubted everything, feared everything, then nothing in this world would change. We all fear the unknowns, but we can't let that rule our lives. You took a chance on me, you didn't know how we would work out, but you took that chance. Don't you think you should strive that hard to beat this great, huge unknown? Just to say, hey, look at that, I survived. And you will survive, Bella."

A knock at the door made us pull apart. "Sorry to bother, but lunch is all ready. Also, Bella, your doctor is on the phone."

Bella nodded and told my mom thank you as I helped her up off the bed. I followed her downstairs, her head was lowered as if she were walking to the gallows. We reached the kitchen, and my mom handed Bella the phone as she motioned for me to sit down.

Bella's hands were shaking as she held the phone, so I pulled her down on to my lap with the hope that it would soothe her.

"Hello?" she answered in a shaky voice. I couldn't hear what the doctor was saying; I just kept my eyes on Bella and watched as she nodded and said "okay", "yeah", "and that sounds good." She soon hung up the phone, and then nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck.

"I need someone to pick up the pre-meds. He wants me to start them tonight and take them for a week before the next chemo. He's hoping that if we go about it that way, that with the new chemo meds, I will have no reaction. He's set us up for the following week at the same center, at 9am, and instead of one dose, I will be going in twice that week."

My mom and dad came around and wrapped their arms around the both of us. "I'll go pick them up, Bella," Dad said as he handed Bella some juice and placed her plate in front of her. "Why don't you eat lunch, and not worry about the next few days or next week, okay?"

Bella nodded and slowly nibbled at her lunch. She ate half of the sandwich, and all of the chips and yogurt. I couldn't complain, it was more than she had eaten in the past few days.

*.*

She did the pre-meds for the whole week. She hated taking them, grumbling and complaining every time she she had to force a horse-sized pill down her throat. The looks she gave when my mom brought her meds even me cringe. We kept telling her that it would all be worth it in the end. She didn't seem to agree.

We reached the following week, and her first appointment for the new chemo. Charlie had called her earlier to get an update and even he tried to calm her down on the way to the doctor, but she was still a mess. We entered the clinic and was met by her doctor and Rosalie at the door. They walked us back, sat her down in a chair and then administered her next dose of pre-meds before setting up the actual chemo.

Her doctor inspected the port site, and then hooked her up, squeezing her shoulder once before he turned around and began to administer the chemo. I felt her hand grab onto mine and squeeze. Her eyes held a fear that I hoped would soon go away.

She was five minutes into the dose, and no huge reaction yet, which I hoped was a good sign. "How are you feeling?" I asked her as I bent down to face her.

"I'm okay, I think. It kind of burns, and I have a metallic taste in my mouth."

Her doctor turned around and watched her vitals. "That is to be expected, Bella, but it looks like we made a good call in having you take the pre-meds for longer this time."

We sat through the first dose of chemo, which seemed to wear out my girl. She was drowsy, instantly tired from the meds. We wheeled her out in a wheelchair, my dad and mom were waiting by the car. As we drove home, I knew that she had turned a corner; that now she was more determined. That maybe she had finally found true hope and the fight I knew she carried deep within herself.

*.*

I'll just start passing out tissues and ice cream. Thoughts?