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Lucius and the Shrink, Chapter 5
Anger Management, Villain Style
The scene:
[Christopher Lee is the mediator of a group gathered for court-ordered Anger Management. Participants include both villains and their flunkies, including Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape—from Harry Potter series; Dr. Evil, his son Scott, Mini-Me—from Austin Powers movies; Sauron and Saruman—from Lord of the Rings trilogy.]
[They're sitting in a group circle. Over the doorway of the spacious gymnasium room is a banner reading, "Me and My Minions". Mr. Lee is dressed as Count Dracula, one of his many characters over the years. In the window is the Eye of Sauron, which is too large to come in, so it stays out there blinking in Morse Code, which no one appears to understand.]
C. Lee: (strolls back and forth, then speaks) Why don't we go around the circle and share.
Scott: (rolls eyes) Laaaame.
C. Lee: Now, Scott, we're here to support each other. I think it's important that we discuss this. All of you have been ordered here for a reason, and we must get to the bottom of it in order to help you.
Scott: By the looks of you, you'll want to go for the throat, not the bottom. (smirks)
C. Lee: (ignores Scott) Mr. Snape, would you like to go first? Why are you here?
Snape: (mumbles inaudibly)
C. Lee: What was that?
Snape: (scowling and gritting his teeth) I said, I nailed the eviscerated carcass of a platypus to Dumbledore's office door because he forced me to do extra corridor patrols on my birthday.
Scott: (wrinkling his nose in disgust) What the hell is wrong with you? Why a platypus?
Snape: (sulkily) Because I couldn't locate a puppy.
Dr. Evil: (raises hand as if in school) Excuse me. Can someone explain to me this fascination with all the dark robes? (points around the room at the Death Eaters and Mr. Lee himself) Did I miss something? Is there a dress code I'm not privy to? Did I miss a memo? I feel like I'm in a fricking vampire movie.
Scott: More like reverse KKK.
Dr. Evil: Don't be stupid, Scott. The reverse of KKK is, surprisingly enough, K-K-K. Unless you actually turn the letters around, in which case they spell, "You're a fricking moron."
Scott: (pouting and looking like he wants to cry) See what I have to put up with? Is it any wonder I snapped?
[Captain Jack Sparrow stumbles into the room, crashes into a stack of chairs, which clatter to the floor. Tries to pick them up, but is obviously stinking drunk. They fall loudly, he picks them up, they fall again.]
C. Lee: Sit down! (bares his fangs)
[Jack slinks down next to Lucius, trying to pretend innocence.]
C. Lee: Moving on. And you are?
Jack: (stands up on wobbly legs) I am Captain Jack Sparrow, terror of the high seas, quintessential pirate, and (drawn out burp) an alcoholic. (collapses back into his chair)
Snape: (sneering) Bully for you.
Lucius: (nudges Jack) You wouldn't happen to have any firewhiskey, would you?
Jack: Nope. (whispers loudly, though meant to be conspiratorially) Got some rum, though. (hands Lucius a flask from the inside of his jacket)
Lucius: (smells it warily, takes a sip) I like!
Voldemort: What did I tell you about accepting things from strangers?
Lucius: (hugs the flask out of Voldemort's reach) He's not a stranger. His name is Jeff.
Jack: Jack.
Lucius: Jack.
Jack: (points blearily at Voldemort) Your turn, Mr. Bald Man with funny snake eyes.
Voldemort: I am Lord Voldemort, the greatest dark wizard ever to live. One day you will all bow before my power.
Jack: And…?
Voldemort: (impatiently) And what?
Jack: (whispers in a piercing, prompting tone) And I'm an alcoholic.
Voldemort: I am NOT an alcoholic!
Jack: Denial is the first step—no, wait…acceptance…I'll get back to you on that. (leans back in his chair, looks to be passed out)
[Christopher Lee disappears while everyone stares after him. He returns wearing a white robe and carrying a staff, and looks identical to Saruman.]
C. Lee: Right. Where were we?
Saruman: (offended) Is this some kind of joke?
Sauron: (BLINK—BLINKBLINKBLINK—BLINK—BLINKBLINK)
Dr. Evil: We were about to ridicule Snake Boy. Dark wizard? I'd be willing to bet that skin of his never saw the light of day. (chuckles to himself, Mini-Me laughs)
Scott: Dad, we're supposed to be here to learn how to solve our problems through non-violent, non-judgmental tactics. He's being honest, we should respect that.
Dr. Evil: How's this for honest, Scott? I didn't want you, and your mother's a whore.
Scott: (gasps and covers his face) I hate you!
Saruman: Who gives diddly-crap about his streetwalker mother! I want to know why our mediator is mocking me!
C. Lee: (stops mimicking Saruman) I'm not mocking you.
Saruman: I saw your mouth moving!
Mini-Me: So did I.
Snape: (sighs, pinches bridge of his nose) I don't imagine any of you were astute enough to notice that Mr. Lee is dressed exactly like Saruman, and even looks like him?
[Everyone looks over, ooohs and aaahs]
C. Lee: Fashion faux pas. (hurriedly tosses the staff behind the row of knocked-down chairs) Lucius, why don't you tell us why you're here?
Lucius: Hmph! I would prefer to be addressed as Dr. Professor Lucius Malfoy the first, esquire.
Scott: Do you even have any of those qualifications?
Lucius: (haughtily) No. What's your point?
C. Lee: Let's get to the reason you're all here. You have problems expressing your anger.
Snape: Up yours!
Lucius: Severus, that's so unlike you. Typically you'd regale us with a verbose tantrum—
Jack: (slurs) I'm not angry. Drunk, but not angry.
Saruman: I have no problem expressing anger…it's the holding it in part I take issue with. I'm only here because I was led astray by power you can only imagine in your wildest dreams. (looks pointedly at Voldemort) Some of us apparently have very wild dreams.
Voldemort: Shut up! All of you shut it or— (reaches for his wand, which was confiscated before the meeting.) Dammit.
Sauron: (BLINKBLINK—BLINK—BLINKBLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK—BLINK)
Scott: My dad has anger issues. My issues are more along the lines abandonment and of an absentee father who's obsessed with conquering the world in ridiculously convoluted and unnecessarily complicated ways.
Dr. Evil: That's because you have no vision.
Sauron: (BLINK—BLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK)
Jack: (jumps to his feet in triumph) Admitting you have a problem! That's the first step! (sits down, pleased with himself)
Lucius: (swilling more rum) Can I come with you and be a pirate? I hate that arsehole I work for.
Voldemort: I'm sitting right here, you idiot.
Snape: And you wonder why we have anger issues? If I have to listen to this drivel much longer, I'm liable to slice my own throat—after murdering and dismembering certain persons who shall remain unnamed.
C. Lee: Who might that be?
Snape: (sneering) Which part of 'shall remain unnamed' is tripping you up?
Sauron: (BLINK—BLINK—BLINKBLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK)
Dr. Evil: As for that strobe light in the window, I think it wants to dill me. Scott, is that some new street slang for 'bugger'?
Scott: Why are you asking me?
Sauron: (BLINK—BLINKBINK—BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK—BLINKBLINK)
Dr. Evil: Oh, my mistake. It wants to kill me.
Saruman: My master is not a strobe light! He's all-seeing, all-knowing…well, all-seeing, anyway.
Snape: (drolly) Of course he's all-seeing, he's a bloody eyeball!
Saruman: And a snake is soooo much better? (hisses petulantly)
Lucius: (to Jack) Speaking of all-seeing, is this rum supposed to make you blind? 'Cause I'm seeing like half of everybody.
Jack: Perfectly normal. Pretty soon you'll pass out, and be good as new when you wake up.
Voldemort: (nastily) Assuming you wake up. When I get my wand back, you'll all grovel before me—those that I don't murder first. And you, Lucius—
Scott: Yeah, anyway….
Dr. Evil: Scott, how rude. The snake man was threatening his minion, we should all applaud his enthusiasm. Weren't you just ragging on me to be supportive?
Dr. Tate woke up in a cold sweat, his mouth dry, his eyes wildly piercing the darkness. After a minute of heavy panting, after his heartbeat had ceased sounding like a snare drum in his ears, he lay back down. It was just a dream—unlike the nightmare his sessions had become. Why had the government sent these freaks to him? He'd thought himself capable enough, had even made progress with Gilderoy Lockhart! And then they showed up. The weirdoes who thought themselves magicians or whatever they were calling it this week. And the stream of nutjobs kept rolling in, like a never-ending wave of…well, nutjobs. Yes, it was unprofessional to call them that, but he was alone, it was only in his mind, and he was tired and confused. He soooo did not look forward to their next session.
He shook his head and pulled the covers over himself. "I have got to find another profession."