It was terrible. He was too far away to hear what was going on inside the hospital. He paced back and forth as he tried to calm himself enough to phase, but every time he caught sight of the blood on his paw, his terror and rage returned and it became even more difficult to pull himself together. It took him twenty minutes to shift back into his human body, which was also when he realized he was naked. He couldn't very well walk into the hospital this way, could he? He'd get himself arrested. And while he fully deserved that for what he had done to his LeeLee, he had to know that she was going to live. After that, he didn't care what happened to him.
He looked around, but there was nothing that would serve as clothing. Should he run home and get something to wear? He couldn't bear to leave Leah for that long. Should he walk into a clothing store and just take something off the rack? That would never work. He glanced at the hospital. It should be full of patient gowns and uniforms. If only he could get one. He crept around to the most isolated corner of the hospital that faced the woods. There was no parking lot here. Dozens of windows overlooked the forest, but none contained people staring outside. He took a deep breath and sprinted to the nearest wall, plastering himself against it.
Okay, fine. Now what? There were windows on either side of him. He cautiously peeked in each one. The first was a patient's room. An elderly man lay sleeping in the hospital bed. The other had two patients, both women. He ducked down, crawling to the next window, and found only more patients.
The sixth window, a small one set above his head, was exactly what he was looking for. He jumped up, wrapping his fingers around the bottom edge, and easily pulled himself up to see. It was a storeroom. Without pause, he made a fist and broke the window, the glass shards slicing into his fist. He ignored the pain and he yanked out the remaining pieces of glass before hauling himself in.
He didn't know how much time he would have before someone came to investigate the sound of breaking glass, but he was in luck. Piles of scrubs were stacked against the left wall. He grabbed an XXL set and put them on. The hem of the pants were still a few inches above his ankles, but there was nothing he could do about that. He looked down, realizing he would still look very conspicuous walking around in bare feet. He scanned the room rapidly, finding slipper-socks on the opposite wall, and puffy blue shoe covers and hair caps right above the scrubs. He pulled those on, hoping no one would notice he wasn't actually wearing shoes. To mask his identity further, he pulled on a surgery cap and mask set and cautiously opened the door. As he turned the knob he realized the gashes on his hand were already healed.
Before he had time to process that, an acrid, burning smell assaulted his nose, even through the surgery mask. What was that awful stench? Not only was it terrible, but it triggered the urge to phase. He felt an urgency to investigate it, and he instinctively followed it to its source. As he approached, he also recognized the scent of his LeeLee, and he walked faster. Thankfully, no one questioned his presence. He was just another person in scrubs.
He realized what was going on in the same moment he found the source of the rotting smell. He hovered in the hallway outside the Emergency Department. He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there. He heard a low voice alternating with Sue's slightly hysterical one.
"We've stabilized the airway for now. We couldn't pass an ET tube due to the facial wounds and all the bleeding in her mouth. The trach is in, though. We're doing a lot of suction to keep it clear."
Sue demanded, "Have you stopped the bleeding?"
"In her cheek, we slowed it with gelfoam. The bigger problem is the neck wound. I think the bear might have nicked her jugular, but we can't know if the carotid is safe until we image it."
"Oh, shit," Sue breathed.
"The O neg is up, and she's going to angio right after she gets the chest film. The OR is being prepped in case she needs it. Dr. Journey was already here for a tonsillectomy, and that's obviously getting pushed back."
"Who's Dr. Journey?" Harry didn't understand.
Sue hastily explained, "The ENT."
Harry pleaded, "Is she feeling any of this?"
"She's sedated now," the doctor answered.
"Is she going to be okay?" Seth asked quietly.
"We'll do our best," the doctor answered gravely.
"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," Sue added. Harry did not give his thanks.
Sam peeked in the window at the top of the doors leading to the trauma bays just as Leah was wheeled past. He jumped out of the way, not wanting to be spotted, and barely caught a glimpse of her. She was still covered in blood, now with IVs in both arms and a thick tube protruding from her neck. He wanted to vomit, and the awful smell emanating from Dr. Cullen didn't help one bit.
He spent the rest of the day hovering in storerooms, hallways, closets, bathrooms, and evading anyone who might ask him to leave. Leah ended up in surgery for the rest of the morning. The rest of the Clearwaters huddled together in the surgery waiting room. He wanted to join them, but he knew he had no right. Instead, he waited outside. There was a picnic table close to a window that looked into the waiting room. He stayed there. After several hours, the surgeon finally emerged to tell the family that Leah was stable. He had repaired the wound in her jugular, explored the rest of her neck and found no damage to the carotid, but the smaller vessels and nerves in her face were more difficult to repair. He didn't know if she would regain sensation or movement in her right cheek, or if she would be able to speak normally. She was in recovery, where only Sue was allowed to see her, and would be transferred to the ICU in a couple hours.
Sam crept into the cover of the forest, removed his borrowed clothing, phased into his wolf, and collapsed against the dirt until he fell asleep, exhausted.
The next day he had the wherewithal to return home for his own clothing. His mother, alarmed, asked him how Leah was, and he said he didn't really know before drinking nearly a gallon of milk from the refrigerator and heading back out the door. He dragged his feet on the way to the ICU, terrified of what he would find and wanting to delay the inevitable. No matter what her condition, he was certain he had lost her forever.
He arrived just in time to see Sue walking out of the room and around the corner to the nurse's station. He didn't hear anyone else in her room, so he carefully entered.
She looked awful. A tube emerged from her neck and connected to a ventilator. Her left arm was wrapped in a blood pressure cuff that connected to a monitor on the wall, and a clip on her finger snaked to the same screen. Her right arm was attached to an IV, although this one contained clear fluid rather than blood. What little skin he could see on her right cheek peeking out from layers of gauze was purple and mottled. Her hair was tangled and dull. She smelled of burned sugar and bleach, and the scent hurt his nose. He realized with a start that she still smelled like Dr. Cullen.
He stepped forward, tears running down his cheeks. What had he done? What had he done to his beautiful, loving, generous girl? He placed a hand on her forehead, gently pushing her hair away from her face. Why did she feel so hot? She normally felt cool to his overheated skin, but now she felt warm and clammy.
He heard footsteps approaching behind him. He didn't know if he'd get the chance to do so again, so he gently pressed his lips to hers. The tape holding down her gauze felt rough against his cheek, and he wet it with his tears.
And then he felt her move beneath him. She groaned, and incoherent sounds worked their way around the tube in her throat. He pulled back, alarmed, and watched her open her eyes to look at him. They were unfocused, and she could barely keep them open. She was trying to speak, trying to look at him, but failing. He thought she was trying to say his name.
"LeeLee?" He squeezed her hand. "LeeLee, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. It was an accident, I swear. I never wanted to cause you any pain, and I hate myself for what I did to you. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry," he babbled. He realized she was looking at him, and perhaps she even understood him. "I'm so sorry about everything. Now you know what the big secret was. I ran off because I turned into, well, that monster. That's why I can't come to Seattle. Not because I don't want to, or don't want you. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything."
She moaned again, and he didn't know what she was trying to tell him. He tried to step away, but she tightened her grip on him.
"What is it, baby?" His voice broke. "I'm here. I'm here."
That was when he realized her ring was gone. He stared at her bare fingers in disbelief. Was that it? Was it all over?
She groaned again. She was trying to tell him something. He knew it. He just couldn't figure out what it was.
A cold voice sounded behind him. "Get out. Now." It was Sue. He started to back away, but Leah held fast and waved her hand at her mother. Sue frowned and addressed her daughter. "He can't be here, Leah. It's not safe. Look what he did to you!"
"I'm so sorry," he told both of them. "I'm a monster, I know. I'll get out of your life forever if that's what you want."
Leah tried to sit up, ripping the end of the blood pressure monitor right out of the screen on the wall. She gestured madly for something, but he didn't know what she was pointing at.
"Lie down!" Sue tried to push her back, but Leah resisted. "I need some help in here!"
It was one of the other nurses who realized what Leah was doing. She appeared in the doorway and grabbed a marker and board off the table. "She wants to say something, Sue."
"Not to him!" she yelled.
Leah made a strangled sound of protest, and the nurse brought her the board. She fell back, unable to hold herself up any longer, but managed to scribble something down. Sue yanked it up, read it, and tossed it back on the bed with a frown. "She's delirious. What was her last temperature, Joanne? 104.9? She's hopped up on dilaudid, febrile, and delirious. She doesn't know what she's talking about."
The other nurse picked it up. There were three words. "Love. Forgive. Stay."
He knew he had no right to ask, but he turned to Sue. "Where's her ring?" He thought she had decided to take it off and end their engagement, but now he realized that even if she wanted to, she wouldn't have been able to communicate such a thing.
Joanne answered, "Oh, it's with her things in the drawer over there. No jewelry in surgery, you know?"
He was relieved. He hated himself, because he knew he wasn't worthy of her, and she had no reason to trust him. But hope flared in his heart anyway.
Sue had other ideas, though. "Get out, Sam. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Get out or I'm calling the police."
He didn't argue with her. He did need to leave. Whether or not she still loved him, he clearly didn't have control over himself, and he wasn't safe to be around people. He told Leah he would be back as soon as he could, and he left.
The bitter scent that he now recognized as a vampire's assaulted him as soon as he stepped out of the ICU, and he almost ran directly into Dr. Cullen. He growled involuntarily and had to sink his fingernails into his palms, hard enough to make himself bleed, to keep from phasing in the middle of Forks General. "Oh, you must be Samuel Uley," the pale monster spoke in a quiet voice. He extended his hand.
"I am," was all Sam could manage. What he really wanted to do was rip the creature's arm off, but he spotted Harry frowning at him from the end of the hallway, coffee cups in hand. He didn't move.
Dr. Cullen retracted his hand. "We should talk. At a more private location, perhaps."
"Later," Sam answered.
Dr. Cullen nodded. "Later."
Sam sprinted down the stairwell and barely made it to the woods before he phased, shredding another set of clothing.
X-x-x-x-X
He spent the rest of the day on the Clearwaters' porch. Seth was kind enough to give him updates since Harry and Sue were still at the hospital, and her brother even talked to Allison for him when his mother called to ask what was going on. The boy had been warned not to let him in the house, but he took one look at Sam's pathetic expression and brought him a sandwich, a glass of juice, and let him eat on the back porch. Sam's rumbling stomach prompted him to bring three more sandwiches, which didn't even come close to sating his hunger. Then they sat on the porch together, and Seth asked him questions about being a wolf. He had seen him phase already, and unlike Harry and Sue, wasn't angry with him. He knew how much Sam cared for Leah and understood it was an accident. He seemed willing to forgive him in a way Sam wasn't ready to accept. Sam answered his questions as best he could. But he didn't know what to say when Seth asked if he would turn as well. It was still a relief to talk with someone about what had happened to him.
The news from the hospital gradually got worse and worse. By the middle of the day, Leah's fever had climbed. "They think she's got some kind of infection," Seth explained. "Maybe from the wounds," Sam winced at that, "although Mom says they look way better than she thought they would." That was the only good news they would receive. Later, when Seth asked if he could come see his sister, he was refused. "I guess she's gotten kind of wild. She's confused, angry. Maybe a reaction to the pain meds or tranquilizers, they think. She keeps ripping out her IV and trying to disconnect herself from the tubing and stuff. They've had to sedate her again."
When darkness fell and Harry and Sue still hadn't come home, Seth handed Sam a sleeping bag. "I'd tell you to come sleep in Leah's room, but my dad's gonna be here pretty soon, and he'll just kick you out. I'm sorry."
Sam didn't mind at all. Seth was being much too nice to him. He tossed the sleeping bag up to the treehouse, not bothering to explain that he was far too warm to need such a thing, but it still made a softer bed to lie on than the wooden planks. He climbed up, crawling into the little structure that had once seemed so large, which now he barely fit into. He fell asleep instantly, but his dreams were nightmares streaked with Leah's blood and screams.
The next morning brought no reassurance. He awoke when the sky lightened, wondering what to do next. Leah had written that she had forgiven him. That she loved him. That she wanted him to stay. Three words that he did not deserve, not after what he did to her. Once he believed he might someday earn the right to stand by her side, build himself into a man worthy of being her husband. Now he wasn't even certain he was a man. He was a monster. A monster that had nearly destroyed the thing in the world most precious to him. She was better off without him. He knew what he had to do. As soon as he knew she would be alright, he would remove himself from her life forever. It might kill him, but she was better off without him. He would break her heart, but she would be safe.
He sighed heavily and stared at the ceiling. The Clearwater house was much too quiet. By now someone was normally up and making breakfast or running the shower. He wondered if Sue or Harry had ever made it home the night before, and he heard no signs that anyone was there but Seth. He thought about his mother alone in their own home. She was lonely, he knew she was, and probably worried about him as well as Leah. He thought about Harry, who had probably fallen asleep in the chair beside Leah's bed, or stayed up all night holding her hand. Where was his own father? The man who had helped give him life, but then only stayed long enough to instill fear and anger in him before he left? The man he hadn't seen or heard from in a decade?
The only thing his father left him was a curse. His inheritance was neither money or goods, not ethics or morals, no skills were taught, no lessons learned. His inheritance was this. To be a monster. His father's gift to him was to take everything from him.
The curse had cost him his LeeLee.
And Leah was his heart. She was beauty and generosity, sunlight and joy, strength and intelligence personified. She was laughter and pleasure and bliss. She was his past, his present, and he had been so certain that she would be his future. She was everything he wanted, and the best thing he had ever had. She was hope.
His Leah made him feel like a god.
But he wasn't a god. He wasn't even a man. His father's curse left him a fallen angel, a devil, a demon.
And now the best thing he could do for her was to leave her. Just as his father had left him.
His hopeless train of thought was broken by the sound of a car pulling into the drive. He heard a door open and close, and then someone was opening the front door. The sounds alerted Seth as well, and Sam jumped down to the ground and listened at the back door as Seth made his way down the stairs.
"Mom? What's going on? Everything okay? How's Leah?"
The voices moved away, but his heightened senses still allowed him to hear. "Not good. They can't figure out what's wrong. She had a terrible night. Her temperature is still through the roof despite the fact that they've got her on incredibly strong antibiotics and all her cultures and tests have come back negative so far."
"Is she gonna be okay?"
He heard the sounds of drawers opening and closing. Sue was banging around Harry's study. "I don't know. I've never seen a fever this high. None of us have."
"So why are you here?" Sam wanted to know the same thing. Sue wouldn't leave her daughter's side without good reason. "Why aren't you with Leah?"
"She's not alone, Seth. Your father's still there, and Emily got to the hospital just as I was leaving. But they're probably going to transfer her to Seattle. I need to get some of her stuff. The insurance card is here somewhere, and her immunization records. Go pack a set of clothes for her, will you? Extra underwear. Her toothbrush, that kind of thing."
"Wait, why are they transferring her?"
"'Cause they can't figure out what's wrong!" Sue yanked open a cabinet and yelled in frustration. "My baby's sick, and they don't know why, and they're not fixing her! Someone has to take better care of my baby! I have to get back, Seth. I have to get back to your sister. She's scared and I'm scared and your dad's scared, too, he's just pretending not to be."
Seth was concerned about his mother in addition to his sister. He wasn't used to her panicking. "Did you guys get any rest last night?"
Then Sue slammed a drawer and started to sob. "No, your sister's... Nothing's working. Nothing's working. She's so sick, and it doesn't make any sense."
"Didn't they stop the bleeding in surgery?" he asked.
"It's not the bleeding. Something's really wrong. She screamed all night, moaned and thrashed on the bed. She was talking but not making any sense, and we can't understand her around the trach anyway. She's delirious, and she kept trying to pull off her gown, kept yanking out the IV and the trach tube, and... and..." Sam didn't think he could bear to keep listening. Sue's voice was breaking in a way he had never heard from her before. She was terrified. "They had to tie her down. They tied my baby girl down."
Sam didn't think, nor did he stop to listen to Sue's phone ringing. He ran. He jumped into the forest, barely remembering to take off his clothes instead of destroying another set. He yanked his shorts and shirt into his jaw and sprinted to the hospital as quickly as he could, dodging branches, logs, and trees on his way. His heart pounded with fear. His sweet LeeLee was hurt and afraid, and he had to help her.
He heard her before he could see the hospital. Even through the closed windows, despite the sounds of dozens of other people inside, he could hear her. She was screaming. He barely managed to phase back, to retake his human body, and he tugged on his clothes before he ran through the sliding front doors of the hospital. Rather than wait for the elevator, he bounded up the stairwell to the third floor in six giant strides. It was nearly impossible to resist phasing back into his wolf, particularly when he smelled the bitter tang of Dr. Cullen in the halls, but he kept himself together.
And then he saw her. Standing between them were Harry, two doctors, two orderlies, three nurses, and a security guard, all with their backs to him, maintaining defensive stances in a ring outside her door. A slim girl with black hair stood off to the left, and Sam dimly registered that Emily was here. He barely noticed. He was too busy staring at Leah. Through the glass walls of her ICU room, he had a clear view. She was standing by the foot of her bed, or rather, she was swaying unsteadily in place brandishing her IV pole in front of her like a weapon. Loose white strips hung from her wrists and waist where she had torn through her restraints. "Back off!" she yelled. "Get away! Leave me alone!"
"Calm down, honey," Harry called out.
Leah blinked at him, clearly dazed, and shook her head as if to clear it. "Daddy? What's going on?"
Sam stepped behind the nurses, and from this vantage point he could see thin trails of blood across the bed and floor. The tables in the room were overturned, and tubing was scattered about. That was when he realized that Leah could speak, and she was no longer connected to the ventilator. What happened to the tracheostomy tube in her throat? In horror, he understood that she must have ripped it out herself, because crimson blood stained the front of her gown. But there was no hole in her neck. He didn't understand.
"You have to calm down, Leah," Harry urged. "Put the pole down, honey. Just put it down."
She gaped at the metal in her hand. She clearly had no idea where it had come from. "What is this? What's it for? What's going on?" With her free hand she touched her cheek, finding the bandages, and ripped them away. Dried blood flaked to the floor as she swiped at her skin.
The ICU doors opened behind him, and the bitter scent of vampire surrounded the room. Sam had to physically hold his own body in place, chanting a mantra in his brain not to phase where he stood. Dr. Cullen's smooth voice floated out. "Jack, perhaps you should move the excess staff back? Get all the visitors into the waiting room."
The security guard mumbled an apology and began to herd the crowd out of the ICU. Emily brushed past him, asking him to come away as she placed her hand on his arm. He didn't even look at her. "I'm staying," he growled. He shook his arm free and felt her move back. Harry turned to glare at Dr. Cullen. "What are you doing here?"
"I think I might be of assistance," he answered. "Megan, Steve, guys, can you check on the other patients? I hear a pulse ox alarm going off in room four, the IV pump is beeping in two, and isn't that a run of VTach on the monitor in seven?"
The physicians and nurses scrambled into other patient rooms. Sam seized the moment and stepped into Leah's room. "LeeLee? Baby? Are you okay?"
She was shaking. She clearly wasn't okay. Her jaw dropped open in shock, and her eyes flicked between Sam, her father, and Dr. Cullen rapidly. Then her features morphed into a grimace. "What is that smell?" she spat. "And what is this shit?" She started to tug at the stitches in her cheek.
Carlisle and Sam realized it at the same time. Leah's wound was closed. Her face was still covered in blood, but none of it was fresh. Underneath the mess were dozens of sutures buried in her flesh, but otherwise her skin was smooth. Her throat, too, looked like it had never been opened for her tracheostomy. Sam's mind reeled with the implication.
The vampire physician murmured under his breath, low enough that no one else could hear. "The curtain, Mr. Uley. No one should be watching her right now." Sam reached for the curtain that would block her from view, and he tugged it across the room.
For a moment, it was as if he and Leah were alone. "Baby, LeeLee, it's going to be okay."
But she wouldn't be calmed. "What is this? What are these?" She was tugging at the sutures. He was afraid she would claw her own cheek open, so he reached out to take her hand just as Harry emerged from the other side of the curtain.
But he was too slow. Her body went rigid. Leah ripped a suture directly out of her flesh with a little cry of pain. To his amazement, the tiny gash knitted together in front of their very eyes.
Dr. Cullen appeared behind him. "She can't be here. It's not safe," he urged. "Not for her or anyone else."
He was right. Leah's eyes widened when she saw him, and then she took a breath in. "What the fuck?"
Leah started to shake, and a low growl emitted from her throat. And Sam finally figured out what was going on. "Harry, get back. Doc, get the hell out of here. You're making it worse!"
"What? I'm not going anywhere!" Harry protested.
Sam pushed his arm out, roughly shoving the vampire back. It took every ounce of strength in his body to keep from phasing at the touch of the monster's frigid stone skin. "Get out!" he growled. "Harry, don't you see?"
And then all three of them saw. Leah lurched onto her hands and knees with another growl. And then, with a chilling scream, she exploded into a gray wolf, knocking the hospital bed into the wall. Harry dropped to his knees. "What the..."
"It's okay, LeeLee. It's gonna be okay!" But it wasn't. He knew exactly what Leah had been feeling for the last couple days, what had probably started when Dr. Cullen touched her skin to resuscitate her. Sam himself had caused her the worst pain of her life when he had ripped into her skin, and instead of being healed in the hospital, a transformation had begun which was even more harrowing. But he would get her through it. Unlike him, she would not be alone. He would take care of her.
He just had to get her out first. "I'm going to help you, LeeLee! Just hold still!" Her claws were scrambling on the slick hospital floor. She was skidding around like a newborn calf. Sam looked for an escape route, but there was none. Dozens of people, doors, and stairs lay between them and any exit. He looked at the window.
"Back up, Harry!" he yelled. But Harry was already kneeling on the far side of the bed, clutching his chest. Dr. Cullen was leaning over him. Leah instinctively snarled at the sight of the enemy touching her father. She crouched, ready to spring. She didn't know what was going on, but her instincts told her that Harry was in danger.
But Sam knew they had to get out. "Stop!" he yelled, and she froze in place. Desperate, Sam grabbed the trashcan from the corner and heaved it through the window, sending hundreds of shards splintering to the ground below. "Go!" He pointed, and like a shot, she leaped through. He followed her only a second later.
X-x-x-x-X
A/N: As always, thanks to Babs81410 for all her invaluable assistance. All mistakes are mine.