If It Weren't For You – Chapter 4

By MyNameIsCAL

-Fang's POV-

They finally let Iggy come home after two weeks in the hospital. I was actually sort of glad he was around now. When it was just Max and me at home, I struggled to occupy myself. She tried her best too to keep me from thinking. There was a night we spent looking at baby names, but I didn't have anything in mind. Mostly because I'd always feel guilty and so I told myself I'd just agree to whatever she picked. If it was a boy, we were going to name it after Ari. If it was a girl, well, we hadn't been able to decide on that yet. We even tried cooking one of Iggy's recipes and going to movie, but we ended up eating burnt food and walking out of the movie for its lack of plot and good humor.

Iggy seemed happy to be back too even though he was confined to a wheelchair for the time being. Max and I had done all this grocery shopping the day before to prepare. He wanted to cook, and when he asked me to help, I was more than happy too.

The days dragged on still. I felt my craving to cut and to go on a rampant search for meth increase rapidly. It was getting to the point where I couldn't shave by myself or cut my own food. I felt like a burden. Max and Iggy were taking care of me instead of me trying to take care of them.

Iggy had been a sleep long ago, but I sat on the couch alone, staring at the TV. Max couldn't get me to take my sleeping medication, so now I sat up, wondering why in the world anyone would want to make themselves orange from tanning, but then I realized the same could be said about why anyone would want to do drugs.

"You're still awake?" Max appeared from the doorway to her room. "I was hoping you would have let the TV put you to sleep."

I shrugged and she sat down next to me.

"The baby's been kicking," she said, taking my hand and resting it on her stomach.

I felt myself smile a little as I felt a kick.

"I thought that would cheer you up." Max smiled at me.

"Thanks."

I finally went to bed after that. It was funny how the little things could put your mind to rest.

"It's been a long time since I've last seen you, Fang."

I avoided looking at Dr. Sharpe's eyes. As much as I was reluctant to be here, I liked Dr. Sharpe. Mostly because when he talked to you, you didn't feel like a patient. You felt like an actual person. He didn't throw any medical jargon at you or try to give you scientific reasons that you didn't understand as to you felt a certain way. He always had a way of saying things to you that you knew you'd believe. And it made me wonder why I didn't come around more often.

"I've been busy."

He let out a breath. "Well, yes. I heard about the accident. How is Iggy?"

"He's doing a lot better than me."

"And how is Max?"

"She's doing good. I took her to the doctor the other day. Everything's looking good with the baby."

"And how do you feel about all of this, Fang? Do you think you're ready? Is it something you can handle?"

"Am I ready? I'm twenty-five years old and I'm having a kid. I've done about all the drugs there are to do and I've tried to kill myself three times. I've pretty much done everything I should have done in one lifetime. Can I handle this? Well, I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that once the baby is born, I'll have something to focus on, and maybe, even though everything is wrong, it will still seem right, Doctor."

"Well, I'm certainly glad to see that you want to be part of your child's life—"

I cut him off. "I just don't want to be like my father."

He took off his glasses and forced me to look him in the eye. "Fang, I don't think you see it, but since the first time I met you, you've improved tremendously. I know you're still angry and you're still scared, but things have a way of working themselves out."

"I hope so. I've been waiting my whole life for things to work out."

He leaned back in his chair, and I tried to relax into my own.

"I know you can get better, Fang. Once things settle down with Iggy and with the baby, if you come in more, we can work on things. We could get you off your medications and think about alternative ways to dissipate your urges. You've got all the support you need from Max and her family. All you need is to push yourself a little."

Yeah, everything always came down to yourself. I guess that was what made humans so fragile. If you couldn't find that balance between trusting others and trusting yourself, you'd end up like me.

Thanks for reading! I'll have a new chapter up soon!