Sam felt the strings of his previous life slipping away as the cables chained him to Emily. He saw them floating up and out, swinging loose and flying out of reach. But no. It was he who was falling. He was the one being yanked violently away from the ties that held his own soul together. He felt himself falling, tumbling, dizzy and desperate, as these new and mysterious bonds shackled him to the woman in front of him.
But he could see them. The final bonds, the most colorful strands, the ones he had chosen for his future life, the ones he and Leah had woven together over their shared lifetime of love, they were still in reach. He kept his mind's eye on those strings, those beautiful braids, those shimmering cords, the ones that he had given to his beloved, his best friend, his heart, the ones that she had gently wrapped around him to protect him when he felt he feared getting lost in the arbitrary cruelty of the universe. There were only two things in reach: the bonds dragging him down to Emily and the strands of real love. He reached for them. As he fell into the abyss, he reached out and grabbed them.
Sam refused to let go.
He blinked between the two girls, swaying in place. His eyes kept being dragged involuntarily to Emily's as if he had no control over his muscles. He had to force himself to look at Leah, who was having difficulty staying upright. His fingers twitched with a bizarre desire to touch Emily's skin, to pull Leah from her arms so that he could take Emily into his, while the honest part of him wanted to grab Leah and run. The two warring impulses held him in place, and he didn't move.
Emily broke his gaze and he felt the loss like a throb in his chest. Leah mumbled, "Thanks, Em," and stepped back in a useless attempt to dry her tears.
Emily shrank down into herself. "I can't believe he's gone. I'm so sorry, guys," she peeked between Seth and Leah. "He was so… He was such a good man. I already miss him so much, I can't imagine what it's like for you." Out of nowhere Sam realized that Harry's death had hit Emily hard. He didn't know how he knew, because he had never thought about it before, but Emily had felt almost as close to Harry as she did to her own father.
Sam answered before Leah had a chance. "It's going to be okay, Emily." Without his volition, he felt his arms move up and out. It was as if he was watching himself from a protected space in his own mind. With confusion he saw himself stepping forward and reaching for Emily. To his increasing horror, he felt himself holding her protectively as the pain in his chest receded. What was he doing? What was going on? He was dizzy. His head was tipping forward against his will. He pressed a kiss to the crown of Emily's head. He felt the ties that held him to Leah slipping away, and he had to consciously work to keep them from breaking free.
He forced himself to let Emily go.
She looked up at him in confusion. "Sam?"
He looked between Emily and Leah. His fiancée's head was tilted at him in curiosity, and she reached her hand out for him. He took it and squeezed firmly, using the point of contact to orient himself in space. His dizziness faded. An unknown force tried to turn his gaze back to Emily, but he concentrated on the sight of Leah's fingers entwined with his own. He trailed his eyes up her wrist, her arm, across the smooth skin of her shoulder interrupted by the black fabric of her dress, and his eyes locked on the subtle moon-shaped mark on her neck. His mark. His wolf growled in his mind, and he felt one of the strands that held him to Leah wrap safely around his heart. He looked into Leah's eyes, and he reached for her with his other hand. He tucked her under his chin just as he had Emily only moments before.
This time when his eyes inexorably moved toward Emily again, a sharp pang hit him in the chest, but he only tightened his grip on Leah. He cleared his throat. "I know how you feel, Em. He wasn't my father, either, but it doesn't make it any easier."
Emily's face fell and she nodded. "Yeah. He was…" She didn't know how to finish. She gripped her black skirt tightly in each fist, and he knew she was hurting. He had to resist the urge to push Leah away so he could hold Emily again. But then she turned to greet Seth, and the two cousins hugged each other, and the urge faded.
What the hell was going on?
The service was much more difficult than Sam had anticipated. He barely heard the eulogies. A man that Harry had worked with told stories about practical jokes Harry had played on the office. Charlie Swan haltingly described youthful antics that he, Billy, and Harry had engaged in when they were teenagers, including at least a couple illegal activities, then sheepishly joked that the statute of limitations had long expired, otherwise he would have to arrest both Billy and himself. Billy talked about how smitten Harry had always been with Sue, and how he had never lost the "stupid glow" of being madly in love.
The entire time, Sam held tightly onto Leah's hand. She was doing the same, and it was a good thing they were both shifters, otherwise they would have crushed each other's bones. He kept resisting the urge to turn around and check on Emily sitting in the row behind them. He could feel her pain rolling out in waves. It felt even stronger than Leah's, but he knew that wasn't possible. So he held fast.
Twice Leah let go of him to get a fresh tissue out of her purse. Each moment that passed without her touch to orient him, he felt himself spinning. He had had vertigo once after being kicked in the head during a particularly aggressive soccer match, and the sensation was disturbingly similar. He didn't know why, but he was certain that if he reached back for Emily, the sensation would stop. Instead he grabbed Leah's knee.
It was shaking. She was shaking. She was warring with herself, battling the urge to shift and flee, struggling to keep herself from breaking down under the weight of her grief and guilt. He knew exactly what she was feeling, not because he had ever suffered a loss like hers, but because he had been inside her mind so many times over the past week. Her pain was overwhelming.
So why couldn't he stop thinking about the girl sitting behind her? Why did it take so much effort to keep his focus on her instead of Emily? Her cousin was sniffling behind him, and he wanted to turn and brush the tears from her cheeks. He had to hold himself back from turning around and scooping her up to sit in his lap. It was ridiculous. What was he thinking, and why? He had known Emily for years, and she was significant to him only because of her relationship with Leah. So why did he suddenly feel so strongly for her? And what was it that he felt, exactly?
He refused to comply with his body's orders, and he held fast to Leah.
She lasted longer than he had guessed, but the final speaker put Leah over the edge. Sue. Shakily, she stood. But she steadied her shoulders, took a deep breath, and stepped to the lectern. And then she turned her tearful face to the gathered assembly, and she began to thank everyone for their role in Harry's life. She began with his coworkers. She told them that they had made his career fulfilling and his days warm and rich. She thanked their neighbors for years of friendship and goodwill. She spoke about the community of the reservation and the value Harry placed on his home and tribe. She thanked the elders for the guidance they had provided over the years. She called upon each of his friends and told them what Harry valued about their relationship. She told a story about each one of them that Harry had told her, hinting about Charlie Swan's secret wild side and teasing about Harry and Billy's practical joke war that had started when they were in middle school. She thanked family members for all their love and support, how her family had accepted Harry readily, and how his family opened their hearts to her.
And then she thanked her children. She spoke of the joy that they had brought to Harry's life, how much he loved them, and how he wanted them to be happy and healthy more than he wanted anything out of life. She talked about how no one could put a smile on Harry's face like Seth could. She spoke of how thrilled he was to have a son as warm-hearted and fun-loving as Seth. She said that Harry never worried about Seth, no matter what antics the boy got into, because Harry had faith in his son's strong spirit and boundless supply of good will.
Finally she talked about how Harry discovered a new and overwhelming kind of love when his baby girl was born. His Leah. His brilliant daughter, his definition for nature's beauty, his true heart, his deepest joy. Sue talked about how close father and daughter had been, how wonderful a father he had been, and how irreplaceable he was. She thought she knew everything about him, but then their children were born, and she discovered new depths to him in the moments they spent together. She only fell in love with him more when she saw the kind of father he was. The kind of man. She spoke of kindness, intelligence, strength, warmth, and love. And then she talked about the void in the universe that was left with his passing.
Seth caught his mother in a crushing embrace as she stepped down from the podium, and Leah let go of Sam's hand to join her family. The room started to spin again. Sam heard sobbing behind him. The entire congregation was in tears, but without Leah's touch to focus on, everything sounded like wind in his ears except for one girl's sniffles. He felt himself twisting in his chair as Old Quil ended the service.
Deep brown eyes oriented him in space, and the rest of the room faded away. "Are you okay?" he asked.
Emily shrugged. "Just sad. You know."
"I didn't realize you were so close to him." Why was he having this conversation? He didn't know. But it was happening anyway.
"He was just… He was really good to talk to you."
Sam nodded. "He gave great advice."
"Or he knew when not to give you advice, just to make you laugh and cheer you up."
"Or when to call you out about how dumb you were being." Sam grinned. "Or maybe that was just me. I'm sure you're never as bad as I am."
"I highly doubt that." She smiled back at him, and his heart skipped. Her smile was lovely. She was so pretty. Wait. No. Her mascara was starting to run, her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and her nose was red.
"Trust me. I try really hard, but most of the time I'm just stumbling around without direction and hoping for the best." What was he talking about? He knew he had faults, but being a hapless bumbler wasn't one of them. But he kept talking anyway. "Not like you, always so put together. I'll bet you aced all your classes last year." What was he babbling on about, anyway?
She must have seen him examining her, because she ducked her head. She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes, noticing the gray smears on her fingertips. "Oh my gosh, I must be such a mess."
He jumped up to get her a tissue, almost knocking someone over in the process. He wasn't sure who it was, but he muttered an apology while he grabbed the kleenex. "It's a funeral. Crying is kind of par for the course." Faintly he wondered why she had worn mascara at all, but the thought was quickly submerged.
She huffed. "I must look like a raccoon."
"I think raccoons are pretty cute, actually." He flashed her another grin while a faint voice in the back of his brain yelled at him about how much he hated the vile creatures. She blinked up at him in surprise, and he reached out to take her hand. She slipped it into his without question. "C'mon. Let me show you where the bathroom is."
He pulled her away, not noticing the confused tenor of the murmurs behind him. He started to follow her into the women's room until she tried to tug her hand away. "Uh, Sam?"
He coughed and yanked his hand back. How the hell had that gotten there? "Oh, right." She disappeared behind the door, and he blinked in confusion. It felt like a fog was lifting away from him. What was he doing in the hallway? Where was he? He didn't need to urinate, and he was standing next to the wrong room anyway. What was going on?
"Sam?" He turned. Rachel and Jacob were standing behind him with Bella Swan, who gave him a shy little nod.
He didn't know what to say. What was he doing over here? "Hi guys, Bella."
"Did you see where Leah went? I wanted to say hi, see if she's okay." Rachel looked around him to the door he was blocking. "I saw Emily go in there. Is Leah with her?"
Sam tried to shake the confusion from his mind. What were they talking about? "She's with her mom and brother."
Jacob frowned at him. "No she isn't. That's what I was trying to tell you guys. She ran out of here. Bolted out the side door. I peeked to see if she was out there, but I didn't see her. I was hoping maybe she just came around the front."
Sam frowned, pushing past them to reenter the larger room. "No, she was just in here. Isn't she with Seth?" But she wasn't. He finally remembered her shaking and heat. Her grief had been overwhelming her, and he knew that she had barely held onto a semblance of control through the eulogies. Why hadn't he stayed by her side? How had he not noticed she was gone? What on earth was wrong with him?
"She shouldn't be alone right now," said Rachel, coming up behind him.
"I'm sure she doesn't want to be surrounded by all these people though," added Jacob, thinking of their mother's funeral.
Rachel shook her head. "Not everyone, of course not. But she'd want you, Sam. You should go after her."
He couldn't believe he had let her go out there all alone. What was he thinking trying to comfort Emily instead of his fiancée? How had he managed not to notice that she had run off? Then a new and even more horrifying thought came over him. He had pushed someone out of his way to get Emily a tissue. Had he shoved Leah in his haste to console her best friend? He knew he was a monster, but not that kind of monster. What was going on?
What had happened to the strings holding him to Leah? He closed his eyes and felt for them. They were slipping away again. He pulled them back through sheer force of will. "You're right. I need to go find her. She shouldn't be alone right now."
"Do you want us to come with you?" Jacob asked, interrupting his train of thought. "Me and Rach, we've been through this. We know what it's like. We want to be there for her."
Sam shook his head. "Thanks, but no. I don't think she wants to see a lot of people right now. But I'll let her know what you said."
While Jacob took Bella to talk with Seth, he looked around for his mother and grandmother, intending to tell them that he was going to look for Leah. But before she could actually get to them, a tugging sensation began to pull deep in his gut. He started to fall away from Leah again, and he had to struggle to keep hold of his feelings for her. He lost his focus. Where was Emily? He needed to get to Emily. He grew dizzy again, and had to put his hand on a nearby chair for balance.
Then she appeared right in front of him, and the dizziness went away. He found himself smiling at her. "There you are."
She looked around the room. "I thought maybe you had gone."
Pain blossomed in his chest. What was he still doing in here? Why was he still in here with his fiancée's friend, when she was outside, in pain, probably weeping over her father, possibly trapped in her animal form and needing him. What was wrong with him? "I… I… I need to…" Why couldn't he force out the words, tell her he was going after Leah? Every time he tried to say it, his voice got choked off.
Rachel's voice sounded from behind him. "He's going to look for Leah right now. "
Emily nodded. "That's good. You should definitely go find her, make sure she's okay."
"I'm going now." And he found that he could. His legs carried him toward the door.
His awkward stumbling was conspicuous, and he wondered how much of a scene he made, because Billy Black rolled in front of him before he got out the door. "I think we need to talk, Sam."
"Can we do this later? I need to find Leah."
He started to move around the chief, but Billy stopped him with a hand on his wrist. "Actually, we really ought to talk first. Did something just happen back there?"
"Yeah. But I don't know what it was."
"Between you and that girl, right?"
He instinctively bristled against the dismissive words. "That girl's name is Emily," he growled.
Billy narrowed his eyes. "Right. One of Leah's relatives, right?" He emphasized Leah's name. Sam began to sway with dizziness again. Billy glanced back at Emily, whose back was turned to them as she talked with Rachel. "Come on. We need to speak privately." He led him to a smaller room to the side furnished only with two couches and closed the door behind him. "Tell me what happened between you and Emily."
Sam shook his head. "I don't know what happened. One minute I was holding Leah, and the next minute..."
"What? What happened?"
"I looked at Emily, and then..." He didn't have words to describe what happened next. He couldn't look Billy in the eye. He was too ashamed.
Silence fell over the room until Billy broke it. "And then she became the center of your universe, is that right?"
Sam collapsed into the nearest couch and buried his head in his hands. "Yeah. Something like that. How did you know? I've never... I've never felt anything like it."
"Suddenly she's the most important creation in all of existence, right?"
"Yes," he blurted. The strings that had connected him to his previous life had all floated away, all but the ones he was struggling to retain, the ones he refused to let go of, the ones that connected him to Leah. "No. No! How can that be? I don't lo..." Something gripped his throat, choking him. He struggled against it, tried to say that he didn't love Emily. He loved Leah. His LeeLee, his beautiful, sweet girl, his partner, his best friend, his future. "Yes! Emily's... But Leah... No... Fuck!"
Billy shook his head sadly. "I don't think this is something you can fight," he said gently.
"Fight what? What is this? What's going on?" He threw himself off the couch, wanting to burn away his agitated energy. But there was nowhere to go in the tiny room. "Tell me what's going on!"
"I think you've imprinted, Sam."
"Imprinted? What does that mean?"
"It's a rare phenomenon that only happens to a few shifters. It's supposed to be a gift from the spirits. A reward for the sacrifices made by the protectors of the tribe. When it happens, it binds you permanently. It happens the first time a wolf looks into the eyes of the chosen woman. Gravity shifts, and suddenly that person is the center of everything. The most important person in the world. It's how shifters find their true mates."
Suddenly Sam couldn't breathe. He fell back onto the chair. "Mates? What? This isn't a reward, it's a… And Leah is my..." But his throat closed off again, and he began to cough and choke until he gave up any attempt to speak. He wasn't physically able to say anything negative about Emily.
"And Emily is her family, I know." Billy shook his head sadly and reached out a hand on his knee. "Sam, I'm so sorry. This couldn't possibly happen at a worse time."
"But we can't be... What does this mean? I can't be... She can't..."
Billy hunched over, looking older than his years. "The legends tell us that you'll be whatever she wants. Whatever she needs. Your world will revolve around her."
He refused to believe it. He wouldn't let go of Leah. No matter what it took. He wouldn't give her up. "But she's... Mates? It can't be. Isn't there anything else? Does it have to be that? Is it inevitable? There has to be a way out!"
Billy looked uncomfortably at the wall behind Sam's head. "We know of a few relationships that weren't romantic at first."
"At first? What does that mean?"
"Child imprints. Very young ones. At first the shifter looked at their young imprint like a parent or a sibling. They loved them from the moment they saw them, but it wasn't until later that they married and mated."
"What?" Sam immediately recoiled at Billy's declaration. "That's sick! That's disgusting! That can't be true, you must have it wrong! And I'm marrying Leah, not Emily!"
Billy shook his head. "It's what we know. It's what the stories tell us."
"But there has to be something else!" Sam insisted. "You said I'd be whatever she wants. Whatever she needs, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
Sam latched on to the idea. "So what if she doesn't need me? Want me? I'm her best friend's fiancé. She couldn't possibly want that, right? I'm taken!"
"You don't want to be rejected by her, Sam. It is supposed to be terrible for the wolf."
"So what? I don't care. It couldn't be worse than losing Leah." Nothing could be worse than losing Leah. It was unfathomable. He realized she was still out there. Was she behind the funeral home in tears? Fleeing through the woods? Wherever she was, she was alone and in pain, and he couldn't stand it. "I won't lose her. I won't give her up."
"I don't think it's up to you, Sam. I'm so sorry."
"That's insane!" He had to consciously stop himself from shaking with frustration. First his body wasn't his own, then his future, and his dreams. And now his mind? His heart? His soul? Would he lose everything to his ancestors' curse? There had to be another way. "But she could reject me, right? I have to be what she wants, what she needs. Emily loves Leah. So she should need me to take care of her best friend." And then it clicked. "That's why I was able to leave Emily just now. She told me to look for Leah. She told me to go. That's why I was able to leave." If only Billy hadn't trapped him here. "I have to find Leah!" He stood and reached for the door, but Billy stopped him again.
"Do you want her to see into your brain right now? Do you want to phase and show her what just happened? Now? She's mourning, son. Are you going to add this to it too? When you don't even know what it is?"
Sam slumped against the door in frustration, banging his head against it uselessly. It would break her heart to see what had happened. "No."
"Sit down," Billy instructed gently. "And tell me exactly what happened. I've only ever heard stories, Sam. Maybe we can figure something out."
Sam needed some hope. He needed an out. Before he told Billy anything, he needed to know. "You said I have to be what she needs. What if she doesn't need me at all? What happens then?" Billy's silence was more threatening than an answer. "What?" Sam turned to Billy and pleaded, and the somber look on Billy's face was answer enough. "Is this inevitable? Hasn't any imprint in the history of the tribe said no?"
"Not for long, no. Permanent rejection is basically unheard of, because the connections are so pure, the relationship supposedly ideal. Shifters become what their imprints need and want, and we don't know of any cases in which the imprint didn't eventually grow to love the wolf. The only stories of rejection that we know of are very painful for the shifter, but also quite brief. Eventually the imprints come around. Shifters and their imprints are supposed to be absolutely perfect matches, Sam."
"Emily can't be my perfect..." But this, too, he couldn't speak out loud. What was this? This vice around his neck trapping any of his true thoughts from emerging? He wanted to say that he'd known Emily for years, and there was no way she was his perfect match. How could he even think of her when Leah was standing beside her? When his home, his heart, his beautiful girl was there? How did they even begin to compare?
But then the imprint began to derail the memories. How had he never noticed Emily standing beside her cousin? How had he missed the sheen of her hair, the pink of her lips, the slender grace of her figure? How had he missed her unassuming beauty? And she was quiet, yes, but not because she was shallow or uninteresting. She was fascinating. He wanted to explore the depths of her soul. He wanted to know everything about her.
Billy interrupted his reverie. "How well do you know her, Sam? When did you meet?"
"We've known each other for years."
The older man was examining him closely. He knew the legends as well as anyone living, but this was new. A chance to learn. And they were forging a new legend, one that was his responsibility to tell. One that included the first female shifter in the tribe's history. "And in all that time, did you ever feel anything for her?"
"She's perfect," Sam said in a daze.
Billy narrowed his eyes. "Have you ever thought that before? Sam? Sam?" But Sam was lost in a fog of Emily. Billy tried to regain his attention, but he barely heard the man. Where was Emily? Why was he in here when she was out there, just a few rooms away, waiting for him? He turned to find her.
Billy nearly rolled over his foot to stop him. "Sam! What are you doing? Get back here." But Sam just took the arms of the wheelchair and lifted him away from the door. "What in the Hell are you doing? Sam? Sam!" He had the door open. She was somewhere out there, and he had to find her.
"Think of Leah!" Billy hissed. "She's your pack, Sam!"
And Sam froze. Swirls of gray mist blocked his vision. Steel cables pulled him toward Emily, but out there, somewhere, were those strands he had just lost, the ones he had just allowed to slip away from him in a moment of distraction. Where were they? Where was the rest of him? His mother, his grandmother, his friends, his very identity. Where was he? Who was he? And where were the ties he had woven?
He didn't feel Billy tugging him back into the room and pushing back to the couch. He didn't realize that he was reaching out with his own hands, blindly searching for the rest of himself.
"Think of Leah," Billy repeated. "Before you go out there, think of Leah! This is her father's funeral, Samuel. You can't go out there and grab onto her cousin!"
And then he found them. He found the strands floating free, and he grasped them once again. And then all his memories flooded back. Oh god. What was he doing? The love of his life was alone, grieving and mourning, and he was in here obsessing over a girl he usually barely tolerated.
"Sam? Snap out of it. We need to talk about this. We need to figure this out."
"Fuck! It's insanity! This is ridiculous!" His head snapped up. "If you think I'm giving up Leah, you're out of your mind!"
"It is insanity," Billy agreed. "She's your pack! Even if you no longer have feelings for her…"
"Don't have feelings for her? Leah is my fiancée," Sam spat. He reached under his collar and fingered the mark she had made on his skin. It was burning. "I am marrying her. She's going to be my wife!"
Billy looked bewildered. One moment Sam was calling Emily perfect, and the next he was insisting upon marrying her cousin. "You still feel that way?"
"Of course I do! I love her!" Sam's own statement stunned him into silence. He finally said it. Now that it was useless, broken, and she was nowhere nearby to hear it. He finally said the words out loud. Because they had always been true.
"You love her? Are you sure?" Billy skepticism was obvious.
Sam nodded and focused his mind and his memories. "I don't just love her. I'm in love with her. I have been in love with for as long as I can remember. Nothing is going to change that. Not an imprint, not your stories, nothing. I am in love with Leah Clearwater."
Billy was taken aback. "I'm sorry Sam. I don't mean to question it. But we've never heard of such a thing. In all the stories, all previous romantic bonds are broken. Instantaneously."
That got Sam's attention. "All? Both ways?" What if Leah had stopped loving him the moment he imprinted on Emily? Had he lost her despite his own battle to keep hold of her? Would she slip away from him no matter what he did? He wouldn't allow it. She was too important. He would fight for her whether she wanted him to or not.
But Billy just looked surprised. "I honestly don't know. The legends don't speak of the other, previous partners. We don't know what happened to them."
"Then the legends are useless. They said there were no female shifters, either, and look how that turned out. But it doesn't matter. I don't care if they say that I've got no choice. I'm in love with Leah, and that's not going to change. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. What's the point of falling in love with a child imprint? Or breaking every other bond? How is that good for the wolf? Or the tribe?" It was odd. He could talk about it, but other than his feelings for Leah and Emily, everything else felt abstract. He was alienated from everything else.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not just romantic bonds that got broken," Sam said. He ought to feel disgusted, but he couldn't find it within him care. Except for Leah. He had to say it out loud to make it real. "But not Leah. She means too much to me. I won't let her go."
Billy was still lost. "What do you mean romantic ones? Sam, you need to tell me what happened. What did you feel when you imprinted?"
"Everything broke. My ties to everyone."
"Everyone?"
Billy closed his eyes and remembered the pivotal moment. "I lost my mother in that instant. My grandmother. I mean, I know they were right there, just a few feet away. But all of a sudden they didn't matter. Sue didn't matter, Seth didn't matter, Harry, my friends, nothing. I didn't care what happens to me. I still don't. As long as I take care of Emily, nothing else matters." His voice fell to a whisper as he opened his eyes. "Except for Leah. I will not let go of Leah. I'm trying so hard to keep her."
"How? Do you still feel her? As a part of you? The way your family should always be a part of you?" Billy needed to understand.
"I could actually feel my connections with my family break. Like a physical sensation. They all fell away. But I reached out. I found the ones I made with Leah, and I grabbed them." He glared at Billy. "I don't care what you say. I don't care what the stories your own grandfather told you. I'm not letting go of Leah. I love her too much, and she loves me like nobody else ever will. I need her, and she needs me."
Billy took a deep breath. "What you're describing, it's not what I expected. You feel like you lost everyone else?"
Sam nodded. "Everyone. Everything. Me. I lost myself. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing, except that I'm supposed to take care of Emily. Nothing else seems like it matters. I don't even care that I'm at Harry's funeral right now. And Harry may as well have been my father. He was more to me than my dad ever was. Shouldn't I feel something right now? An hour ago it hit me. That he was gone. It was crushing. It was like a hole opened up in the universe, and no one else would ever be able to fill it again. But now that feeling is gone. Why is it gone? He deserves to have me mourn him. But it's like I don't even care. All I care about is Emily. And it's taking everything I've got to keep caring about Leah."
"I'm not sure how that's even possible." Billy probably would have stood and paced if he was able. "You're not supposed to be able to hold on to your past lovers in that way. Maybe it's because she's a wolf too. I don't know. We've never had a female shifter before. Maybe something is different about her. But then, why wouldn't you just imprint on her? You already seem like a good match, and your kids would have been shifters too. I don't understand."
Sam was stuck on something Billy had said. "Our kids?"
"We think that one of the reasons imprinting happens is to make stronger wolves. To ensure future generations of shifters. But if that was true, why wouldn't you have imprinted on Leah, your fiancée, who obviously carries the gene, whom you were already planning on having kids with anyway?" Billy looked up at him. "Were you? Maybe you didn't want kids?"
"We want kids. Not until after college, but we want a family."
"So that can't be it," Billy muttered. "I don't know. I just don't know."
Sam stared at the closed door. The pull to Emily hadn't lessened. In fact, it was getting stronger. Was she wondering where he was? Why he hadn't returned with Leah already? "What am I supposed to do? I can't go out there to Leah and show her what's just happened with Emily. It'll kill her. And I refuse to go back out there to Emily."
Billy agreed. They needed time to figure out what was going on. If Leah hadn't been a shifter, he might have told Sam to let her go sooner rather than later to avoid dragging out the heartbreak. But this was Leah's father's funeral, and she shared the pack mind with Sam. A clean break would be impossible. "Avoid Emily for now. I'll speak with her. She needs to know what happened. You go find Leah. She's your pack, you can't just leave her out there by herself. Just don't shift. That way she won't see everything. Not yet."
"Yeah," he answered, relieved and distressed all at the same time. The imprint was telling him to go straight to Emily, but he knew better. Could he avoid her altogether until she went home? "Please don't tell her. I… I… "
"But maybe she can help," Billy insisted. "She can tell you to stay with Leah, to take care of her while she's mourning. You want to do what she wants you to do right, right? You said that's why you were able to leave her side."
Sam nodded. "You're right. I wanted to go look for Leah when she told me to do it. She can help me. So you can help me? You'll talk to her while I look for Leah?"
"Yes. I'll go find her."
But they weren't careful enough. Emily was standing right by the main doors. She spotted him before he could slip away. He told himself to turn around and go the other way, but the thought was instantaneously overridden by the pull of the imprint, which carried him to her. "Hey, Em."
"Did you find her?"
"No, not yet. I was just..."
She cut him off. "She probably wants to be alone. I guess we should give her some space. Do you want to wait for her here? If she doesn't come soon, we can head over for the burial ceremony."
He knew he should leave immediately, follow Leah's trail while it was still fresh, but he found himself agreeing. "Of course. I'll wait with you."
Beside him, Billy narrowed his eyes. "Aren't you going to go find her, Sam? When Sarah died, my kids didn't want people fawning over them, but they needed to know they weren't alone."
"But she could be anywhere," Emily disagreed. "He'll just wander around and end up missing the private ceremony. She'll come back looking for him and he'll be off somewhere. If we wait for her, Aunt Sue and Seth can head over, and we can wait for her here and give her a ride."
"That's so kind of you," Sam heard himself say.
"Very," Billy said, sounding as if he meant the exact opposite. He turned to Sam, but before he could say anything else, Old Quil appeared behind him.
The elder cleared his throat. "Billy, Samuel." He held out his hand to Emily. "I don't think I've had the pleasure. I believe you're family to Sue and Harry?"
She took his hand and shook it. "Emily. It's nice to meet you."
"Quil Ateara. I'm honored. Do you mind if I steal these two away for a few minutes?"
"Of course!" She stepped away to another group clustered in the corner, but Sam felt her eyes on him.
Old Quil's gaze held him fast, but he spoke to Billy. "Perhaps you could fill me in on what just happened?"
"It's true. He imprinted on the girl," Billy explained. He kept talking, but Sam didn't hear any of it. His attention was focused on every tiny sound that Emily made, from the polite conversation she held across the room, to the intake of her breath, to the rustling of her skirt as she shifted from foot to foot. It took everything in him not to go to her side.
Eventually Old Quil said something that he couldn't ignore. "He'll have to end things with the Clearwater girl, then."
"Do you really think that's best?" Billy sounded skeptical.
"I don't see what choice he has. Look at him. He hasn't heard a single thing either one of us has said in five minutes. He's barely functional trying to resist the urge to go to her, and she's only a few feet away."
And Sam was ashamed that it was true. He was still standing in here when he was supposed to be looking for Leah. He closed his eyes and focused on his connection with Leah. He pictured her beautiful face in his mind, concentrated on the love they had built. "It isn't going to happen," he snapped. "I won't do it."
Old Quil tilted his head at him. "I'm sorry, son, but I don't think you understand what you're saying."
"What's to understand? She's my fiancée. You think I'm breaking off my engagement because of some legend? You're out of your mind."
Old Quil frowned. "Really? Then what are you doing here? Where is your fiancée, and why aren't you by her side? I'm very sorry, but I think you've already made your choice. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can both go on with your lives."
Sam had to grab onto the doorframe at his side, taking out his frustrations on the wood as he tried not to lose his temper and phase where he stood. The elder's words infuriated him despite the truth he heard in them, despite the huge part of him that wanted nothing more than to give in to the imprint, to his fate, to Emily. He wanted to say he loved Leah again, wanted to render them true by saying them out loud, but he was unable to speak.
Thankfully, Billy had no such restrictions. "But it isn't so simple, is it? The other girl isn't a nameless, faceless background figure in one of the legends. It's his only pack mate! The first female shifter! Doesn't that mean something?"
"I expect it does," Old Quil retorted. "In all likelihood, she is meant for another as well! I anticipate she will find her own imprint, and then everything will fall into place."
The thought pulled Sam's attention back together. It didn't just infuriate him, it made him sick to his stomach. There was no way that his LeeLee was meant for anyone other than him. Who would it be? Jared? Jacob? Quil's own grandson? His memory flashed back to the night he first phased, to the vile words he heard from Paul's mouth, the same obnoxious boy who might one day become one of his pack. He imagined Paul's tongue against the subtle scar he had left on Leah's neck, and he and his wolf together rebelled against the thought. "She's mine," he growled. "Mine and no one else's."
"So what?" Old Quil challenged him. "You'll have both of them?"
"No!" he roared, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. "Just... just..." He tried to say Leah's name, say that she was the only one he wanted, but his throat closed again.
And then he felt a light touch on his elbow. His frustration disappeared into thin air. Emily's voice was like honey. "Is everything okay, Sam?"
"Of course!" He opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Everything's fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you." He reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, but over her shoulder saw Seth staring at him with a mixture of confusion and anger on his face. He stumbled backward, forcing himself to concentrate on Leah, somewhere out there, miserable and alone.
Billy tried to explain away his odd behavior. "You haven't had anything to eat all day long, have you, Sam?"
"No I haven't. I guess it's getting to me."
"They've got some coffee in the other room, and I think I saw some lemonade. Let me get you a glass," Emily offered.
"It's very kind of you to take care of Sam," Old Quil beamed. "We'll go with you."
Sam wanted to turn in the opposite direction to look for Leah. The decision was immediately overturned with just a few words from Emily. "Come on, Sam. It's this way." She led them to a lounge with a coffeemaker, a carafe of hot water for tea, and a pitcher of lemonade. She poured glasses for each of the men while assessing the strange looks they were giving one another. Finally she asked, "Is something going on?"
Sam felt the last of his resolve slipping away. He had been squirming in his seat trying to figure out how to get out of the room and go after Leah, but her question pinned him in place. He heard himself speak against his will. "There is." He struggled against himself, saying, "It's… kind of complicated."
Old Quil decided to facilitate the discussion. "But it is something you need to know, my dear, because it directly involves you."
Emily's brows lifted in surprise. "Me?"
Billy tried to take the reins. "You. But perhaps this isn't the best venue to have this discussion. Sam was about to go look for Leah."
"But Emily doesn't live in La Push," Old Quil retorted. "We should all talk while she's still here, and while this might not be the best venue, it's what we have to work with. Would you rather wait until he follows her home, and no one is there to answer any of their questions?"
Emily was bewildered. "Follow me home? Who?"
Sam forced himself to talk. He choked on his words, but he shoved air past his vocal cords with sheer force of will. "Not now. I need to go find Leah." He felt infinitely heavy, as if he was shackled to the chair in which he sat. But he managed to stand anyway, and somehow he found the strength to go to the door.
But Emily saw him moving like a crippled old man and asked, "Sam, what's going on?"
He had no choice but to answer her. "I… I… I imprinted on you."
"You what? On me?" The words were meaningless to her.
Old Quil looked pointedly at Billy. "Do you see why we need to be here for this?" He faced Emily again. "Have you ever heard any of our legends? Have you attended any of the ceremonies or bonfires with the Clearwaters?"
"Some of the bonfires, why?"
Quil continued. "Do you remember any of our legends? Where our tribe came from, or the stories of our spirit warriors?"
She shook her head. If she had heard them before, she didn't remember. So Old Quil and Billy proceeded to tell her. Sam barely heard what they said; he was too busy observing her reactions. She was in turn startled, confused, angered, and finally, hopeful. Even if he wasn't attuned to her, he could have read on her face the first three emotions. The last one she kept hidden from sight. But he felt it nonetheless.
And he despaired. The imprint forced him to smile reassuringly at her, to nod or agree at the appropriate moments, and once, even to reach out and gently take her hand in his. But the real Sam, the boy who had loved another girl for longer than he could remember, the man who wanted to marry Leah, to run after her and take her away where they could never be found, the one who raged against the loss of the life he had known, who mourned the loss of his connections to his mother and grandmother, that Sam screamed. Inside his own brain he yelled at his limbs to move, to pull away from Emily, to stand, to stride directly out the door and into the arms of his beloved. He gripped the broken ties that held him to Leah and he wrapped them around his heart and tried to tie them fast.
But every time he wound one around himself, the imprint worked it free.
Sam felt like he was losing his mind, his heart, and his very soul. Locked inside himself, he cursed his father for leaving him this inheritance, cursed Old Quil for telling Emily anything, cursed Billy for allowing it, cursed Harry for leaving him when he needed him most. And most of all he cursed Emily. Because it was finally clear to him. What should have been obvious had he only been looking. She wanted him, and his imprint howled in triumph.
She said the right things, and she probably even thought she meant them. She said that Sam was with Leah, not with her. She said that Sam and Leah were going to make a life together, and she wanted no part of destroying it. She had known him for years, and the entire time knew he was in love with Leah, even before he knew it himself. She had watched their relationship blossom into something beautiful, had been there the night he had declared his feelings to Leah, had gone with him to buy an engagement ring for her best friend, listened as he asked her to marry him. She said that it was inconceivable to know all these things and then be told that she was his soulmate, not Leah. She said that Leah was her best friend, and they were insane if they thought she would ever betray Leah with her fiancé. And Sam felt the chains binding him in place begin to loosen. He struggled against them, and he thought that at any moment, he would be free to run out the door and find his true love.
And then Emily said Sam had never shown the slightest interest in her, and that she had not the slightest interest in Sam. With these words, Sam knew instinctively that she was lying. While he had once found her to be an uninteresting enigma, she suddenly made sense to him. Her heart was laid bare to him, and he looked back on his memories of her through the lens of the imprint.
She had watched him for years. She had seen the way he looked at Leah, and she wanted him to see her in that way. No one had ever looked at her the way Sam looked at Leah, had ever treated her with such respect, had forged the kind of friendship that had blossomed into such a rich love. She wanted to feel the way Sam made Leah feel. So she had wanted him from afar. She had wished for him to turn and see her, truly see her, to tell her she was beautiful, tell her she was perfect, to cherish her and nurture her and protect her from the cruelties of other men.
She had fallen in love with him. Unconsciously, she had placed him on a pedestal. To her he was the embodiment of the ideal man. But she had cultivated this belief without any hope or expectation. She harbored what she believed to be an innocent and meaningless crush. She had no illusions that he would ever actually notice her, let alone fall for her or leave Leah for her.
Until now.
He wanted to beg her to release him, to plead with her to allow him to go after Leah, because she chained him in place without knowing it. But when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. So Billy spoke for him. "You don't have to pursue a romantic relationship with Sam. Don't misunderstand. It is true that it is the most common manifestation of an imprint, but it is not the only one. We know that a wolf must be what his imprint needs him to be. So if you need Sam to look after Leah, that is exactly what he will do."
"Oh!" She blinked rapidly, looking anywhere but at him. It was too much, too soon, too confusing. She couldn't process it all. "I… He should. Of course. Sam, you should. I know you were going to look for her. You really ought to go."
He nodded. Thank god. Or thank Billy, anyway. He would have to do so as soon as he got back. If he bothered to come back. He should grab Leah and run as far away as possible, never look at Emily again. He would avoid her until she forgot about him. He stood. "Thanks. I know she needs me. Maybe we'll meet you at the burial?" He hoped he was lying, but it was what she expected to hear.
"Yeah. We'll meet over there." He smiled the first true and honest smile he had given her all morning. This one was from him, not from his imprint. She was letting him go, and he was truly grateful. He stood easily, and so did she. "I'll walk you out." She turned back to Billy and Old Quil. "Could you stay for a few more minutes? I have more questions."
He wanted to run outside, but the imprint held him at her side. He was only able to move when she did, and he opened the door for her. The lobby was only half full; most of the congregants had gone home. Only tribal members and family awaited the private ceremony to follow, and even they would have left had it not been for Leah's absence. Every eye in the place turned to him and Emily as they emerged. Seth frowned at them both. "Is Leah in there with you?"
Emily shook her head. "No, Sam's going to look for her now."
"What were you guys doing in there?" he wanted to know.
"Just talking," he answered vaguely. They rapidly crossed the room and escaped outside. He was eager to find Leah. A drizzle had started, but it wasn't strong enough to wash away her scent, which was strong. He would be able to track her easily.
She stopped him before he could go. "Sam?"
He froze where he stood. "Yes?" And he felt himself turning toward her. No, no, no! He had to get away. He had to leave before it was too late. Leah was undoubtedly already wondering why he hadn't come after her, why he allowed her to sprint into the woods by herself. She must have wanted to know why he had stayed to comfort Emily. He had to explain himself, and then he had to convince her to run away with him. Before it was too late.
"Is it true?" she asked hesitantly.
He wanted to tell her it was all a story, all a meaningless legend. "Yes. All of it."
"I don't know what to say."
He chuckled. "Neither do I."
"But you and I…?"
"Yes."
She wrapped her arms around herself, and he wanted to lean over her and shield her from the rain. He barely managed to hold still. "It's unbelievable," she murmured.
It was. It was insanity. "No, it isn't," emerged from his mouth.
"We can't." She looked genuinely torn. And he sensed that she was. She meant it sincerely.
But the bigger part of her wanted him. His imprint answered her desire. "But we can." He screamed at himself to run, to flee, to never look back. Instead he stepped toward her and cupped her cheek in his hand.
She placed her hand on his chest, but she didn't push him away. "You love Leah," she whispered.
And he did. He loved her more fiercely than he could ever describe, more truly than anything else in his life, more deeply than he knew was possible. What he felt for Emily was overwhelming. Immense. Devastating. He would drown in it, and he would not only lose Leah in the process, he would lose himself. He forced himself to speak the truth. He nearly passed out with the effort. "I do." And he felt a shift in his chest. He felt the steel cables around him begin to loosen. This was it. She was going to let him go. Everything was going to be alright. He would be free.
But then she looked into his eyes, and he was lost. Falling. Spinning. Tumbling. Twisting. He was fading from the universe itself, and there was no orientation to anything. Nothing except her. "And me?" she asked.
He heard himself say the words even as he tried to pull them back, undo them, turn back time. "You're everything now, Emily. Everything. There is no one else. Nothing else. From this moment on, there is only you."
"What?" She was shaking her head, looking up at him with bewildered eyes. "It can't be. It's not right."
It wasn't and he knew it, nor was it even true. But the imprint told her what she wanted to hear, not what he actually felt. "It is right. It's always been right. You've always been the one. I was just too blind to see it. The imprint opened my eyes. It's always been you."
Tears ran down her face, and he knew they were tears of joy and sorrow all at once. What came out of her mouth was what she knew she was supposed to say. "Sam, we can't. Not now, not ever." But his imprint knew her heart. She wanted him more than she hated what they were doing to Leah.
He threaded his fingers through her hair. He screamed at himself to stop, but the imprint drowned out his cries. "We can and we will." He kissed her forehead, while inwardly he recoiled at her scent. It was all wrong: harsh synthetic chemicals from her hairspray, the grainy sensation of her powder foundation against his lips.
"But what about Leah?" she moaned.
"I don't love Leah, not like that," he lied against her skin. Inside he wept, clawing and clamoring for control of his own body. But the imprint had him in its thrall. "Not anymore. I don't think I ever did, not really. It was like you said. I love her, but I was never in love with her." He pulled back to give her a sickly sweet smile. He nuzzled her nose with his own, and he smelled her sharp, coffee laden breath. It was nothing like Leah's sweetness. "Emily, I'm in love with you." And against his will, against the true part of himself that was raging against his own body, the part of him that had lost control of his movements, his words, and his limbs, he bent to kiss her.
Just as he reached her chapped lips, she yanked away, and he felt her stinging slap against his cheek. "You bastard! Get away from me!" she screamed.
And in his shock he realized she was glancing behind him. No, no, please, no. Please, let it be anything else. Anyone else. Let Harry's ghost be standing behind him ready to drag him to the underworld. Let a vampire be waiting to rip his head off. Anyone but Leah.
He turned, and there she was, clutching the ruins of her dress against her naked body, tears trailing down her face, eyes open in shock. His beloved LeeLee. She had heard every terrible word.
X-x-x-x-X
A/N: Thanks again to Babs81410 for all her support.