If It Weren't For You – Chapter 5
By MyNameIsCAL
-Max's POV-
Iggy was up and walking by the time I reached my last weeks of pregnancy. I thought it might upset Fang, but he seemed pretty happy for Iggy. Poor Iggy was trying to get his bearings again, bumping into things as he made his way around the apartment. Every now and then Fang or I would have to pull him away from walking into the wall.
Fang was now off his pain medication now too. Or rather he was down to taking it only when he needed it. I was really proud of him actually, and even though he wouldn't admit it, it made him feel good too. There was less uncertainty in his walk now. Then again, maybe I was just trying to convince myself he was limping less now.
"Here, I'll teach you how to make a grilled cheese sandwich."
I came into the kitchen to see Fang and Iggy sitting at the table, bread, butter, and cheese laying out.
"Alright," Fang replied.
"You don't even have to use a knife to spread the butter. Use a spoon, or something. I think it'll work." Iggy's hand slid across the table, stopping once it hit the bread. He took it and held it out to Fang. "Get out two slices and butter both sides of each."
I sat down across from them and watched the scene play out. Iggy went on to butter his own slices with a butter knife. Halfway through, Fang had to stop Iggy from buttering his own hand.
"Thanks," Iggy said. "Alright, are you done? Put your cheese on and then get out a pan and put a little oil on it to stop it from sticking."
Sometime later, Fang produced a half a dozen grilled cheese sandwiches. He was trying to hide it, but there was a small smile growing at his lips. If only Iggy could see him.
Since Iggy had lost his sight completely, I felt like he and Fang were closer now. It was good to see them get along like that. Fang always struggled with meeting new people. Whenever the others came over, he'd become withdrawn to himself, only really speaking to me. Even at restaurants, Iggy or I would end up ordering for him.
It really made me believe that having a kid was what Fang needed. Even though it hadn't been planned and it happened for the wrong reasons, he needed someone who wouldn't judge him for who he used to be, or even who he was right now. It would be like a new chance at life for him, something I had failed to give him. I knew every time he looked at me, he felt guilty, but I wouldn't regret any of this. That perhaps set Fang and me apart. He had too many things weighing him down, too many what if's and maybe's running around his head. And sure, things hurt me, but with my parents' deaths, and then Ari's, I learned acceptance, and found peace in that maybe everything happened for a reason.
I guess you could say I believed in clichés. But you had to admit that some of them were comforting at the very least.
The heat blazed as the middle of August approached. The afternoons meant thunderstorms, but today we were hoping that rain would cool things down. I sat with Fang on the couch, his sleeves rolled up, eyes fixed on the TV to keep himself from looking at the scars on the backs of his arms. We were waiting for Gazzy to drop off Iggy.
An ad for some depression medication came on and he picked up the remote, flipping channels furiously.
He finally stopped on some kid's cartoon.
"Look, I know it's not my business," Fang said. "But you're not really related to Iggy. I was just wondering how he ended up with your family."
"My parents never told me," I answered. "The explanation they gave was that his parents were really good friends with mine. Funny thing is that I never met Iggy's parents. Sometimes Iggy would just disappear and then come back after a month. But he'd never say where he'd been. Once my parents died, he stuck around to help me out. I could never get the truth out of him, but something told me I shouldn't push it either."
He shrugged. "I was just curious."
"I still am too."
Fang went back to the channel we had been watching before. "You know, he's really been too nice to me."
"What makes you say that?"
"I feel like I don't deserve any of this still."
"You deserve better than this, Fang. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"You're too nice to me too."
"I'm honest when you need me to be."
He shook his head. "I mean, what do you think our kid is going to think of me? What are other parents going to think of us? Raising a child together and we're not planning on getting married? What kind of message is that going to send?"
"Why are you so worried about what other people with think? They can think whatever the hell they want, but I know you and I are going to do our best to raise our child right, even though we're not under the normal standard for what they call a family."
Fang looked defeated now, and I wish he didn't. It was like he was trying to fight to put himself down since I wasn't letting him.
"Before Iggy blacked out the first time after getting hit by the car, the last thing he said to me was that I was going to be a great father. How could he mean that?" Fang let out a heavy breath. "I keep thinking about it and wondering if he was just being nice."
"I think when most people are dying, they're not trying to think about what sounds nice," I told him. "I'm sure he meant it, Fang. He wouldn't just throw that out there and then take it back."
Fang still looked unsure of himself though.
"I'm not going to doubt you because of what's behind you, Fang. I know most of the world doesn't see you that way, but I do."
"It's barely behind me."
"It's behind you enough."
He shut his eyes. "What if I can't control myself? This has been the longest since things haven't started to come crashing down."
"I believe in you, Fang."
He gave me a small smile, and it made me hope that someday, I'd get to see him smile for real.