If It Weren't For You – Chapter 8

By MyNameIsCAL

- Max's POV-

It was three weeks before Christmas. Ava was now fourth months old. I'd watch her light up Fang's face every morning, and then after the moment was gone, he'd retreat back into himself, eyes slipping back into what I felt like was some kind of infinite darkness. Although there was more life behind the intensity of his loneliness, and I hoped that maybe we had finally made a breakthrough.

Fang was talking more too. Especially to Iggy. I remembered when Fang first started staying here and all he'd say good morning and thank you to Iggy. Before now, the most Fang had ever said to Iggy was when the first time they met, and Fang had been all gung ho about letting Iggy try out his new way of communication. The fact that Fang had agreed to that still puzzled me, and when I asked him once why he did that, he said he didn't want to make an enemy of Iggy, although Fang later found out the only enemy Iggy had was the betrayal of his vision.

"Well, you're up early," Iggy said, shuffling into the kitchen.

"I made some coffee," Fang muttered, pushing out the chair next to him as he stood.

Iggy took a seat and Fang placed a mug in front of him. I tried not to let my feeling of surprise show. It didn't take much to make Fang retreat back into his old habits. As he sat, he put his hand around his wrist, pressing his thumb up against the back of his arm before dropping his hands into his lap.

"I heard it's going to start snowing a lot this week, so I was thinking maybe we should stock up on food," Iggy said after sipping his coffee. "I've got a list. I was wondering if—"

"Sure, I'll go get it." Fang spoke before Iggy could even finish.

"Oh, alright, that'd be great." Even Iggy seemed taken aback now. "Here's the list. I hope it's not too, crooked."

Fang examined it. "Alright, I'll go now. It's supposed to start getting heavy around noon."

"Are you sure you don't want me to come?" Iggy asked.

Fang shook his head and was out the door before we could protest again.

"What's gotten into him?" I frowned.

Iggy shrugged. "Maybe he just needs some time alone."

"That's what I'm worried about."

"I know." He let out a sigh. "He doesn't want to depend on us all the time though. You know."

I sat at the table, rubbing my eyes, wishing the caffeine would kick in already. "You know, I think he's doing better.

Iggy nodded, eyes wandering around the room. We sat in silence for a while.

"Hey, you know, you'll never guess who called the other day when you and Fang went out to pick up dinner."

He raised an eyebrow, eyes somehow finding me. "Who?"

"Joanna."

He frowned at me now. "Why?"

"She's taking some classes in New York City. She said she was wondering if you wanted to get together to have lunch or dinner. I told her about the accident, but you know, she already knew that you were going blind."

There was no change in his expression. This wasn't what I had expected to happen.

"She wants to eat with me? Even though I broke up with her?" He let out a laugh. "C'mon, Max, I don't think we need to open old wounds."

"I never understood why you did that."

His eyes slipped out of focus. "Why does it matter?"

"Well, maybe this could be a good start for you. I don't mind taking you out to the city. Fang can stay here with Ava."

"No one wants to be with the blind guy, Max. Look at me, I'm pathetic. I can't imagine you'd want to take care of me forever. Even Fang is going to get back on his feet someday."

I didn't understand why he was being so difficult. Rarely did Iggy get upset about anything, but here he was fighting me now. "I don't mind taking care of you, by the way, but if you're going to be like that, then nothing's every going to change."

"I'm trying to be content with where I'm at right now. And I have to say I'm doing pretty good laughing through it all, trying to find the light in all of this darkness. But the truth is that if I don't get used to this, I'll just be miserable. I've been miserable, ever since I was born, Max. You don't even understand."

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. He was alluding to his parents, and it was a topic I knew he'd never talk to me about.

"I know you mean well, Max, but the person I'm in love with will never love me back anyway, so I should probably just let go. For years already, I've been hoping something would change, but you know, nothing's changed except for the worse."

"What're you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Fang."

"What?"

"Ever since that first time we met, I knew that it was him. I knew he was the one, Max, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way. He's not that kind of guy, and I'm just a total loser for even…" Iggy shook his head. "Is it ironic though? I've just decreased my chances of ever finding someone who'll love me for who I am as a person because I'm gay. And yeah, you know, I didn't have much of a chance anyway after I learned I was going to go blind forever."

"Iggy…"

"I don't want your sympathy!" He slammed his fist onto the table. "I'm tired of people pitying me. I…"

He rose out of his seat.

"Iggy where are you going?!"

"Away from here!"

"Iggy, I don't care that you're gay! That doesn't change anything!"

As if he could see, he went right to the front door, opened it, and then slammed it behind him. From the other side of the apartment, I could hear Ava start to cry.

"Damnit, Iggy!" I opened the door. "Where are you going?! I didn't meant to upset you! I'm sorry!"

But he ignored me, disappearing around the corner.

"IGGY!"