If It Weren't For You – Chapter 13
By MyNameIsCAL
-Fang's POV-
It was rare for us to go out to eat. Between Iggy's cooking and my dislike for being around other people, going out was only for running errands. But today was one year. One year since I had found out about Ava and decided that I'd put my foot down for once and take a stand against myself. Max asked very anxiously whether I wanted to do anything special, and I said that we oughta give Iggy a break for once and go out to eat for dinner.
"You sure, Fang? I'll cook you anything you want," Iggy offered.
"You pretty much run everything by me that you cook, Ig. I don't think you've ever made something I hated." I turned to face him. "I mean, if you'd rather stay home and cook, that's fine with me."
He shrugged. "Nah, whatever you want…"
It sounded like he wanted to say more, but Max came in with Ava, and he closed his mouth, shrugging again.
"Shall we go?" Max asked.
I nodded.
The restaurant wasn't anything fancy. It was small, but family friendly, and not crowded. Then again it was Monday night.
"Could you, uhm, read the menu to me?" Iggy asked quietly.
Max opened her mouth, but I was ahead of her, already starting to. Halfway through, Iggy started smiling.
"What?" I frowned.
"Nothing. I just like listening to you talk," he said. "I already knew what I wanted after the first five entrées you read."
I rolled my eyes, but I smiled in spite of myself.
Max gave us a raised eyebrow, but I said nothing about our exchange and asked her what she was getting.
After we got back to the apartment, I put Ava in her crib and read a book. When I got to the kitchen, Max was sitting at the table, Iggy drinking a glass of water by the sink.
"So I've got a gift for you." Max cleared her throat. "Well, I guess it's really for us."
"Nah, we got something for you too," Iggy interjected.
"Here, sit." Max pointed to the chair next to her.
In front of her sat an envelope and a box. I took a seat, leaning against the table. Iggy joined us, sitting next to me.
"Alright, so you can choose which one you want to open first," she went on, pushing both things towards me.
"I'm going to go shower," Iggy said. "G'night you two."
I reached for the box first. It was wrapped in white wrapping paper.
Inside the box was a set of car keys. Under the lid there was a picture of a black sedan.
"A car?" I looked up at Max.
"I thought it was time you have your own. Especially when Ava gets older."
I shook my head. "You didn't have to get me anything."
She gave me a small smile. "Open the envelope."
I did as I was told, pulling out a picture of a house.
"I thought it would be nice if Ava grew up somewhere with more space. Besides, Iggy could use it too."
Now I didn't know what to say.
"What's wrong?"
"Max, we're not married," I finally managed to tell her. "What kind of message is that going to send Ava when she gets older and realizes what a mess I am? I mean, it's not that I don't want to be here for Ava, but she'll need to know the truth eventually."
She let out a sigh. "Iggy told me that house would be too much."
I closed my eyes, wishing I had the strength to tell her about Iggy and me.
"We don't have to move into it. I'm not expecting you to stay forever either." She took the picture from me. "I know, you're probably right. We're going to have to reach a point where we'll have to split, but for now at least. And we'll keep the apartment. How's that sound? So when the time comes, you can come back here. It's not far, so we can take turns having Ava over. We'll work it out. It'll all work out."
I felt myself nod now. "It looks nice, Max."
"I didn't mean to upset you…"
"Nah, it's fine, Max. You're only thinking for the best." I put the car keys back into the box and closed it. "You're right. It'll be better anyway."
We sat for a moment in silence and then I stood, heading down the hallway to the bathroom.
I think I stood under the cold water for ten minutes before I came to my senses and started to actually clean myself. It must have been another half an hour before I stepped out and pulled my boxers on. Then I came face to face with my reflection in the mirror.
"Keep it together," it seemed to be saying. "Maybe you should go talk to Iggy."
Iggy. For someone I was considering my, well, boyfriend, I've been treating him like crap, but he was just too good to me. He was patient. Too patient.
"He's good for you," my reflection whispered. "Don't throw him away."
"I can't even fucking admit to Max there's something going on between us," I replied.
My reflection stared back at me. "You can and you will."
I looked down at my arms, shaking my head. All the scars. Even my leg, deformed from the accident.
You can't let them define who you are now.
That wasn't my doing though. It was other people, with their opinions and prejudice. No one really pities the drug addict. I've only made myself more pathetic by being suicidal. Society would never accept me.
Max and Iggy and Ava. They're your family. They'll accept you.
"I can't even accept myself," I growled, pulling the rest of my clothes on.
The kitchen light was on, which meant Max was still up. It probably wouldn't be long before Ava started crying about something. I could smell coffee. She'd be up for a while.
"Fang."
I turned around to see Iggy standing at his door.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He held out his hand to me. "Come here for a minute."
Even though he was blind, Iggy still had a great way of communicating without saying anything. I sat down on the bed next to him and he pulled his arms around me. I could feel his chin, rough against the top of my head.
"Don't worry about the house," he whispered. "Max only meant well."
I leaned my head against his chest. "I know."
He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I closed my eyes.
"Stay here tonight."
"Alright."
We settled under the blankets. His arm came around me, and I closed my eyes, finally realizing how exhausted I was.
"Goodnight, Fang."
I found his hand and wove my fingers through his. "Night, Ig."
And for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep instantly.