Sam did not know what was happening. The only thing he could rely on was the pain. It was the only thing left of him. It was the last bit of truth, and he clung to it. He focused on the burn, on the rising waves of sharp, searing truth. It oriented him. That, then, must be his clavicle, which meant that this was his shoulder, and that was his arm, and these fingers must be his, and the touch against them was Emily. The last thing he remembered was sitting in a chair. What was pressing all along his back? What was the weight along his front? And why could he smell the rusty scent of blood? Was that a howl he heard in the distance, or was he somehow giving voice to his despair?
He allowed his fingers to grip her flesh more tightly, and he heard her moan in response. But instead of pulling her closer, he focused on the sharp, stabbing pain of his mark, held an image of his beautiful LeeLee at the forefront of his mind, and turned his head just far enough away from her lips to whisper, "Emily. Emily?"
Against his skin, she murmured, "Sam. I love you so much. Sam."
She didn't understand. How could he get through to her? He didn't want this, didn't want her. But how was she to know? Actions spoke louder than words, and his words reflected nothing of his true intent. Of course she believed he loved her. "Emily?"
She finally picked up the tone of his voice. She pushed herself up slightly, and he gathered every ounce of strength in him to shove his hands upward and outward. He tossed her off of him, and he forced his vision to focus. He heard her heartbeat because the imprint listened for it, but he turned his attention inward until he heard his raspy breathing and the sound of his own blood pumping through his veins. He took deep, cleansing breaths, and then he opened his eyes. He was staring at the ceiling of the bedroom, which meant he was lying in his bed. Leah's bed. Their bed. What had he done? He carefully flexed his fingers, opening and closing his hands until he knew he could rely on them, and then he felt the clothes on his body. Thank goodness. He was fully dressed; he hadn't slept with her. How long had he been out?
When he finally regained his senses, she was kneeling on the edge of the bed he shared with Leah looking at him with wide eyes. "Sam? Are you okay? What is that?" He glanced down at himself, and blood was seeping through his shirt. It had smeared onto hers as well. He sat up and tore his shirt off in one clean motion, exposing the mark fully to her eyes. She gasped. "Why is it doing that? Why won't it heal? I thought all of your wounds were supposed to close up quickly."
Sam realized that the noose around his neck had finally loosened. He could breathe. He had regained some control of his muscles. He scrambled off the bed to put as much distance between him and Emily as possible. From across the room, he answered, "This isn't a wound from an enemy. You know that. I told you it was Leah's."
"I thought… I thought she hurt you."
"She didn't."
"Then what is it? It sure looks like it hurts. What does it mean?"
He realized that for the first time, she actually wanted to know. But was it too late? He placed his other hand on the back of his neck. "She has one too. I gave her one right here. It means that I claimed her. I took her when she gave herself to me." He touched his own mark again. Very carefully, so that there could be no mistake, he said, "This means I also gave myself to her." The imprint tried to hold his words back, but she had asked, so he was finally able to answer. He forced through as much as he could. "It means we belong to each other. We claimed each other."
Her face revealed her disappointment. "But what about us?"
"We're betraying her. I'm betraying her. And this," he swiped his fingers against the trail of blood that was trickling down his chest and held it up for her to see. "This is the sign. This is my reminder of what I'm doing to her."
Her brow furrowed. "So why is it bleeding now? We've been together for weeks."
"We got too close this time. I can always feel it when I'm hurting her. It reminds me. The pain is worse when the betrayal is worse. This time you got too close." He remembered the agony that he felt when his skin had opened up without warning, when Emily was nowhere near. He was horrified. Had Leah's just done the same? "And hers," he whispered. "Hers does too." He slumped back against the wall for support, closing his eyes. "God, what have we done?"
Her mouth dropped open in shock. "What are you talking about?"
He slid to the floor. "She knows."
"Knows what?"
He buried his face in his hands. "She felt it. She knows what we just did."
"But we didn't do anything!" she insisted.
He dropped his hands and looked at her. "I don't remember, so you have to tell me. What just happened?"
Now she was annoyed. "Excuse me? Are you serious? Were you or were you not here with me this whole time?"
"That's just it. I wasn't. I don't know. I don't know where I was."
"That doesn't make any sense! You've been here with me all morning! You were just kissing me like I've never been kissed!"
"Oh God," he moaned. "Oh God."
"Don't give me that! You can't sit there and tell me you didn't want that, that you don't want me. Not after the past few weeks. There's no way!"
Sam had absolutely no idea what to do. He couldn't explain the situation to her, not yet, not with the imprint trying to twist every word. He kept his mouth shut. All he could do was shake his head. It took everything in him not to cross the room and pull her up in his arms. The imprint told him to tear off all her clothes and throw her back on the bed, to make her feel like no man had ever made her feel, to show her the ecstasy her body was capable of. But it was a lie and he knew it. The blood on his hand was his proof. All he managed to whisper was, "Leah. Leah."
Emily snapped. "What's wrong with you? You left her for me! At her own father's funeral, you told me that I was your soulmate, and the elders confirmed it. The spirits chose us for each other! I've been waiting for years, do you know that? For years I've been waiting for you to turn around and see me. I've been here the whole time. And now we're finally here, you and me, we're finally together, and you want to back out now? Now, when there's no going back from you, after I've fallen completely in love with you?"
He couldn't believe it. She had actually asked. She finally asked, and he could finally answer. "Yeah. Yeah, that's what I want."
Her jaw dropped open, her eyes were as wide as saucers. "What? You can't possibly be serious. Not now. Not just because of that stupid scar."
"I am," he said simply. "I'm sorry, but I am. I want Leah. I always have, and I always will."
He felt terrible but thrilled at the same time. The imprint had forced him to string her along, had put words into his mouth that he had never felt, but there was no way for her to know how false he was. Now, though, he thought he finally had a chance to explain everything to her. It was what he had been waiting for all along. He would give her the truth and then, perhaps, he would be free.
But her expression hardened. Her features twisted into anger, and she said, "No."
He was shocked, although he should not have been. Her feelings would not disappear simply because his were not real. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. No. I don't accept that. You can't string me along for months, get me to move down here with you, get me to rearrange my whole life for you, and expect me to accept that. I won't let you do this to me."
And the noose tightened. As she spoke, he felt his throat closing off. Words bubbled up through his chest, lies of remorse, apology, and love. He tried to tell her. He tried to say that the imprint had only told her what she wanted to hear, not what he had ever felt. He tried to say that he had never loved anyone but Leah. He tried to apologize for allowing her to believe something that had never happened. He tried to take back the last few months. But all that came out was, "Please…"
She shook her head and stood, carefully straightening out her wrinkled clothes. "I think it's time for you to come home. This place, it's not good for you. It's just confusing you. And that mark, that old thing, is reminding you of something you used to have. But that relationship, it's gone. You know that. It's not fair to her to let her think that there's something still there when there really isn't. It's probably a good thing that she felt what just happened, so she'll know it's really over. That part of your life is done."
The urge to give in, to comply, threatened to overwhelm him. He resisted the compulsion to go to her, to whisper that he was wrong, that she was right, that she was the only thing he would ever need, that he had already forgotten his past life. Desperately, he fought it.
The imprint reacted by trying to throw him out of his own body. The room started to spin once more. He broke out in a sweat. Black spots filled his vision. He started to sway. "Leah," he begged. "Please, LeeLee." But his voice was so low that even Emily didn't hear what he was trying to say, and there was nothing that he could do.
Suddenly he felt a hollow emptiness, and then he was floating above himself. With horror, he watched from outside his own body. He helplessly saw himself straighten and walk to the bed. He heard himself say, "You're right. I'm sorry." He saw his hand reach out for Emily, and she placed her own in his. He watched as he sat down next to her and listened in dismay as he told her, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was letting my guilt control me, but I'm just lying to myself and lying to you. You're what I want; what I've always wanted. You're the one I love, and I'm only hurting us both by denying it."
He tried to stop himself from threading his fingers through her hair, but there was nothing he could do. His will was disconnected from his body. She answered, "And the sooner you let her go, the sooner she can move on. She'll find her own imprint. I know she will."
"You're right." His lips smiled, but his spirit wept.
Emily beamed. "I wish I wasn't. Honestly I do. This isn't how I wanted it to happen."
"But it did, and I'm so thankful."
Sam tried to reenter his body, to regain control of his words, his limbs, his actions, but his imprint had banished him.
"Please, let's..."
"Yes," he answered, while in reality he screamed no. "Anything you want."
All he could do was watch. He was sickened by the sight of his fingers reaching the top button of her shirt, and he shouted into his own ear in a futile attempt to make himself stop. She beat him to it, opening the first closure. Was he going to be forced to watch his body have sex with her? It was a nightmare. She couldn't figure out what to take off first, and she fumbled with her belt as she fell back onto the bed. Just as she reached out to pull him down to her, he heard a crash from the front room. Someone was inside.
An angry Seth rushed into the room yelling, "You hypocritical prick!" He yanked Sam to his feet and slammed his fist into Sam's jaw, and Sam abruptly snapped back into his body to feel a shocking amount of cleansing, centering pain.
He caught Seth's next attempt at a left hook in his palm, but found that it was much more difficult than he anticipated. The boy was strong. Very strong. And he was so angry that he was shaking like a leaf, and he was warm to the touch. His skin was as hot as Sam's. "Get out!" he said firmly, twisting Seth and shoving him toward the bedroom door. He gratefully followed.
"Get your hands off me!" Seth yanked his arms free as Embry appeared in the hallway.
"Outside!" Sam barked. "You're not doing this in here!" Although he was incredibly thankful for the distraction, he wasn't about to let Emily get mixed up with the first phase of an angry young wolf.
"I'm not done with you!" Seth snarled.
Embry held his hands out placatingly. "He knows, man. He's coming with us." Embry's eyes flicked briefly to his, and Sam nodded.
"I will. But first you have to go outside. You aren't doing this in front of Emily." He tried to make it an Alpha order out of habit, but he had lost the authority.
Seth didn't react well to his tone or his words. He pointed a finger at Emily, who was hiding behind Sam. "Her? Is your precious little imprint too fragile for this? She can't handle the consequences of her actions? Too damn bad!"
"Seth, out!" Sam started to bodily push him down the hall.
"Why are you protecting her? She doesn't deserve it! Leah trusted you!" Now he was yelling at both of them. "You were supposed to take care of her! You were supposed to watch her back, and instead all you can do is stab her in it!"
Seth was strong and righteously angry, but Embry and Sam managed to get him onto the porch before he exploded into a sandy brown wolf. Seth fell backward into the yard while Sam and Embry quickly shed their clothes. Then they joined him in the pack mind.
It was chaos. Jacob was trying to restore order, but Paul began hurling curses at Sam immediately. Jared, who had just arrived at the cabin, began to defend Sam. Seth was disoriented and stumbled around while Embry tried to get him to stand still. His confusion was loud and pervasive. But Sam searched for the only voice he wanted to hear.
LeeLee?
But she wasn't listening to him. She was watching Seth's memories, and she saw the compromising position that her brother had found them in. Seth flew at him with claws out and teeth bared, and he didn't bother to defend himself. The pain he felt as Seth tore into his shoulder and bit his neck was nothing compared to what Leah was feeling at that moment. From the porch, Emily screamed in fright. He tried to talk to Leah, tried to show her how he had been forcibly ejected from his own body. LeeLee, baby, it wasn't me! Please, that wasn't me. I'm true to you, I love you and only you, and those actions, those words, they weren't mine! It wasn't me!
But she wasn't listening. He rolled into a ball to protect his vulnerable neck and belly as Embry and Jared worked to dislodge Seth before Sam was seriously injured, but he hardly noticed.
Leah was begging. Jacob, please. I can't do this. I just can't.
Leah, can't we talk about this later? Seth, back off! This was an Alpha order, and Seth had no choice but to obey. He allowed himself to be pushed back, but he continued growling at Sam.
It hurts too much. What if it was Bella? What if Edward came back and you had to watch them together? Not just from afar, but things like that? Through her mind flashed the image of him, Emily, and the rumpled bed.
Leah, Jacob answered, I know it hurts. I get it. But it's not safe!
Sam didn't understand. What's not safe? And then he stopped to wonder where Leah was. How was it that Seth was here but she was not? Leah was endlessly protective of her brother, but she was running away from him during his first phase. She was heading north along the coast, and with purpose. What was she doing?
She didn't answer his question. It's bad enough that this is happening. Do I have to stay here and have it rubbed in my face?
I'll kick him out again if I have to! Jacob promised.
Leah was adamant. That's not enough. I'm still going to see them through everyone else's eyes, and it's going to kill me a little more every time. I want to be alone. Why does everyone get to witness my humiliation? Let me go!
But it's not safe! Jacob insisted.
She held firm. None of this is safe! It's never been safe. It wasn't safe the first time I saw a man being murdered, and wasn't safe the last time I faced a leech by myself. I'm no safer on the Rez than I will be on my own, and I'm sick of waiting around to die. Playing defense isn't working, not one bit. So let me go on offense, and I'll end this once and for all!
LeeLee? What are you doing? Now Sam was terrified. He heard the jumbled words of his brothers, felt Seth's terror and fury, and underneath it all, Leah's pain.
And then he understood. She was trying to leave for good. A memory from earlier that day was playing in an endless loop in Seth's brain. He watched in dismay as the mark on the back of Leah's neck opened in front of her brother's eyes. A feverish Seth had frantically tried to stem the flow; he placed bandage after bandage on the ugly, raw wound. Leah didn't do anything at all. She knew that there was no way to stop it, nothing to do except wait. While he had been fighting for control of his own body and losing, she felt it all. Seconds passed, then minutes, and it felt like hours even though it could not have been. It felt like an eternity. And finally, as she bled, she wept, and then she ran. Then Seth had come looking for him.
Come back, baby. Please, come back, Sam begged.
Why? So that we can all make nice and be friends? So that I can see it, over and over, watch you with her, listen to how much you care about her? Listen to her tell me that if I'm patient, I'll find my own imprint? Just sit there until Victoria comes back with an army? Why do you want me there, Sammy, is it so I can protect her? So I can keep her safe?
That's not it. You know it isn't. You're everything to me, LeeLee. You're all I have left. You're the only one I've ever loved and the only one I ever will. Please, don't leave me!
A small, frightened voice called from behind him, "Sam? What's going on?" Immediately, he felt the urge to comfort Emily. He involuntarily moved toward her until she put her hand on his muzzle, and both his and Leah's marks began to burn.
Bitterly she said, I'm the only one, huh? You can't even hold out for a second, can you? You can't even wait until I'm gone. Jacob, she begged, please let me go. I'll do him one better. I won't just protect them. I won't just guard Kim and Bella and Emily. Let me go, and I'll hunt her down and kill the bitch, and then I can move on with my life.
A cacophony of voices filled the pack mind as their brothers gave their opinions. Paul wanted to go with her. Quil said she had a death wish. Jared thought she had lost her mind. Seth was terrified for her, and Embry felt bad for everyone involved. But all Jacob said was, Okay. But I'm coming with you.
And then she was gone.
Sam and Seth panicked together. Where is she? Seth asked. Where's my sister?
She must have phased out, Jared explained.
Just wait up for me, Jacob said, but they couldn't figure out who he was talking to. I'll be there soon. I just have to take care of things here first.
Paul asked, Who the hell are you talking to?
I know, Jacob continued. Just wait! They can't hear you, okay? So chill for a second and wait for me!
Jake? Embry asked. What's going on?
He turned his attention back to them. I'm giving her some space. She hasn't phased out; she's gone lone wolf. She's out of the pack.
What? Sam was enraged, and he moved away from Emily for her own safety. She hasn't done anything to deserve that! If you're going to kick anyone out, kick me out!
I offered to kick you out, weren't you listening? She doesn't want any of us in her brain right now, not just you. She begged to leave. You heard her!
Sam protested, But she's all alone out there! She's going to get herself killed!
I'm going with her! Seth declared.
Jacob yelled, No you're not! If I let anything happen to you, your sister will pin me down and your mother will skin my hide. He paused for a moment while communicating with Leah. I know. I know! He's not coming, so stop freaking out.
Jake, you can't leave me here when she's out there! Seth protested.
Jacob was firm. She says she'll choke me to death with my own tail if I let you come, so you stay here and take care of your mother. Besides, you're not ready. You've been a wolf for all of a couple minutes. You don't even know how to phase back yet. I'd stay here and teach you, but I'm going after your sister. Embry and Quil will show you the ropes.
But the two of you going off by yourselves? That's crazy, Paul interrupted. I'm coming too.
They could see Jacob contemplating the idea as Sam growled at the idea of Paul trying to seduce Leah while she was vulnerable. You stay away from her!
Screw you, asshole. You already had more chances than you deserve. It's your fault she's leaving. She's hurting and she needs support, and I can give that to her.
Paul, Jacob interrupted, let me ask her. She's had enough of her choices taken away from her. I'm not going to force anything or anyone else on her. They waited impatiently, but soon enough Jacob spoke up with her answer. She says you should stay here…
Before Jacob finished his sentence, Paul interrupted, Seriously? I can help. I'm not going to try to get into her pants. I just want to be there for her, and you know that three of us together are stronger than two. I'm a good fighter, and you know it.
Actually, she agrees with you, Jacob answered. That's why she thinks you should stay here and be in charge while we're gone. Paul was shocked, but before they knew what was happening, he was Beta.
Paul stopped short while Sam's mind reeled. He wasn't sure what was worse: being under Paul's thumb or being left behind while Leah ran away. He glanced behind him, where Emily was watching from the porch, then in front of him, where Seth stared daggers at him and growled too low for her to hear. Embry urged Seth away, and Jacob sent Jared and Paul off to patrol before blinking out of the pack mind to update his father. Sam was at a loss. What was he supposed to do now? He realized that Emily still didn't know what was going on, and she hadn't asked him to return to her yet. He held onto that sliver of freedom, but in a matter of minutes, it would be gone.
He swallowed his pride and asked for help. Paul?
What do you want? Paul answered coldly.
An assignment.
Paul laughed harshly. If you think I'm sending you after Leah, you've got another thing coming.
No, not that. Well, I'd love that, but Jacob would just send me away.
So what do you want? Can't find anything to do? Just wait for Emily to say something. I'm sure she'll drag you back into bed before long.
I know! That's why I need your help.
Paul snorted. Are you out of your damn mind? You think I'm giving you time off for that?
Of course not! It's the opposite. Order me away!
Paul actually slowed his pace. What?
Sam looked back at Emily, who was leaving the porch now that Seth was gone. She was walking toward him, and he knew that he had to get away before she asked him to return to her. You heard me; order me somewhere else. Anywhere! Just get me out of here!
So just go. You want to go, so go wherever you want. So long as you stay away from Leah, that's the only place you're not allowed.
Man, I am asking you for help here.
Why should I help you? You were a shit Alpha, you're a terrible friend, and you're a miserable excuse for a human being. And you had the gall to call me a womanizer. I've never torn up a girl the way you tore up Leah!
Yes, yes, that's just it! Order me away from Emily so I can stop hurting Leah! I love her. You know I do. I hate what I've done to her, I hate myself for betraying her, and I fucking hate Emily for making me do it!
Jared was appalled. Sam! Shut your mouth! I can't believe you're talking about your imprint that way! You take it back!
But Paul had the opposite reaction. I think that's the first half-decent thing I've ever heard you say.
It's true! Sam tried to step away from Emily, but the imprint held him in place.
She stood next to him, reaching out for his fur. "Sam? Is everything okay? I know they ran off, but can you stay with me? I'm afraid."
He willed his legs to move away, but nothing happened. He began to feel dizzy again, and his vision started to fade once more. Paul? Help me, damn it! It's happening again! The imprint is actually kicking me out of my own body! He showed them his terrifying experience from that morning, of being expelled from his human form when he tried to resist. Help me! Give me something to do. Order me away, and I'll have to go. Please!
Paul waffled. He was happy to watch Sam dig his own grave, but even he felt sympathy for Sam's loss of control. Why are you even trying anymore? Obviously you're not strong enough to fight it.
Through Sam's mind flashed a series of images of Leah. Each picture was a different age. She was a toddler smearing applesauce on Sam's cheeks, a tiny child tugging him along as they sprinted through the woods, a young girl shooting a basketball over his head, a pretty teenager wrapping her arms around him, and a beautiful young woman waiting for him on the bed in the cabin. In each memory she had the same warm, dimpled smile that belonged only to him. If she had ever been yours, wouldn't you do anything you could to get her back?
It was Seth who said, Do it, man. For Leah.
Paul grudgingly caved. Fine. She's running north along the coast, then heading east along the Strait. She's trying to figure out where Victoria got out of the water and maybe track her from there. But there's an equal chance she went south. So you head that way, and you let us know if you find her scent.
Thank you.
Paul ordered, Go, and Sam grabbed his clothes in his mouth and sprinted off without a word, leaving Emily to gape at his retreating tail.
X-x-x-x-X
A/N: Thanks to Babs81410.