A/N: Well, here I am, back for an update after, oh, er, five months. *Cringes shamefully* I can't apologize enough to everyone who's been waiting for an update, I really can't. :( I'll try my best to keep up with this more, for everyone who's still *hopefully* reading this, and thank you, thank you, Thank You to everyone who's still been reviewing, following, and adding this to their favorites despite my absence. This was written for all of you. :)

I'd especially like to thank bellatoz guardian, whom I'm dedicating this chapter to for leaving the coolest, sweetest review I think I've ever gotten. :') Thank you, I will continue writing this, and I'm touched this had that effect on you. :')

a01, this one's also for you, because we knew Shikaku would have to bring it up eventually! ;)

And finally, I feel as though I should include a disclaimer here: Gentlemen, do not, I repeat, do not take much of Shikaku's advice this chapter to heart. In reality, him giving advice to Shikamaru on women is the equvilent of the blind leading the blind through four lanes of rush hour traffic when the traffic light is broken. Ladies, try not to be too offended by Shikaku's ignorance. He knows not of what he speaks, and after writing this I feel infinity sorry for Yoshino...

~Shikaku on women~

Dear Shikamaru,

Oh boy, time for the most troublesome topic of all: Women.

Where do I start?

Women are very complicated. Relationships with women are even more complicated.

One minute you're cozy and happy, laying your head in her lap while she hums. The next minute you're out on your ass, sleeping on the couch because you weren't paying attention to the conversation and said something insensitive.

And that's just after you're married.

Actually there's an entire list of things you should never say or do to your wife or girlfriend, but if I wrote the one from my personal experience down, I'd need another book. (However, I have compiled a list of a few of the deadly phrases used by the women in my life over the years, which will be included at the end of this entry. Memorize them. Well.)

Right. Anyway. Women.

I've said this to you before, son, but without women, men would fall to ruin.

Yeah, I didn't believe my father when he first told me that, either, but you'll come around.

With any luck, you've figured it out on your own by now anyway.

But anyway, once you have come around and figured it out, you have a whole new set of problems.

For instance, before dealing with the troubles of a relationship, you must first get into one.

There's really no one way to go about it, I'm afraid.

Sometimes, it just kind of happens.

In fact, if you're lucky, you'll end up meeting/befriending some girl and will be engaged and planning a future together before you even realize you're a couple.

Before you roll your eyes, this actually happened to Choza. I'm under the impression he didn't realize he had a girlfriend until a year into he and Choji's mother's relationship. By then the two were crazy about each other, but still. It's easy to do with a girl you're already really familiar with.

Other times, you've got to do a little (or a lot) of work for it to happen. In this scenario, you're more than likely going to make more than a few mistakes, as well.

A good example is me and your mother.

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but when your mother and I first met, I actually turned her down.

She was a chunin who often did archive work with Inochi, so when Choza and I would go see him, she would be there. I thought she was pretty, and whenever we talked we ended up flirting with each other, so under the guise of seeing Inochi and 'discussing our next mission together', I would go down to the archives with Choza just to have an excuse to talk to her (I never admitted this to even myself at the time, being young and stupid and in denial).

However, being too lazy, too cowardly, too young and too stupid, I never made the first move, and when she eventually asked me out herself I made some stupid half-assed excuse and said no.

Needless to say, I definitely regretted that stupid decision.

After sleeping on it and a lot of self berating (plus some chastising and advice from Choza, who was far more aware of the whole situation than I was), I eventually caved and decided I was going to go see her and try again.

You can imagine my horror when I found out she was going out with Inochi then, instead.

Yes, your mother used to go out with Ino's father. Don't worry, we find it funny, now. (Though I doubt you will.)

But back to the story. When I found out, I sulked and made a general ass of myself, taking a lot of my frustrations out on a bewildered Inochi (who I found out had been trying to catch Yoshino's eye for weeks; ironically she'd been ignoring him because of me). I now feel very sorry for Choza, who knew exactly what was wrong but couldn't tell either one of us for fear of making everything worse.

I have several regrets on the whole incident, from how I reacted to your mother to how I treated my friends; However, it would do me no good to dwell on it now.

But to make a long story short, I spent six agonizing weeks furious with the world (but mostly myself), until the two ended up apart. Inochi didn't elaborate at the time, other than saying they were a poor match, but I found out a few years and several drinks later that he broke it off when he figured out why Yoshino had agreed to go out with him to begin with (apparently, to make me jealous).

It says something about the man that he wasn't even angry with me when I ended up going out with her a few weeks later. Though that might have had more to do with the pretty brunette that had started working the archives with him instead of Yoshino.

(Yes, it's who you're thinking of. And no, they didn't hit it off right away, either.)

Anyway, all of this was actually the easy part.

The hard part, of course, came after we got together. You see, this is where those relationship troubles I mentioned before come in.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but communication is the key to any good relationship. Unfortunately, this is part of the problem.

It's...hard to explain, though the easiest way to say it is that men and women are on completely different wavelengths.

Things tend to get...lost in translation?

Take my example from before, when I got the couch because I allegedly said something insensitive.

Obviously I didn't intend to say anything to upset her. I didn't even realize it sounded like that at the time, it just kind of came out that way. Perhaps if I'd said the same thing in a different tone, it would have come across as less...assinine. (For once I realized what the conversation had been about, it occurred to me what I said definitely could have been classified as such.)

Then again, I'm also quite sure if I'd been having the same conversation with Choza and said the same thing in the same tone, he wouldn't have thought anything of it. That being said, we can have entire 'conversations' consisting of monosyllables, facial expressions, and profanity, and I can't remember a time when I ever actually managed to insult the guy, so he might not be the best example.

My point is, there some things you can say to your old buddy that won't mean a thing to him, but will definitely mean something to your wife. (Don't believe me? Walk up to Choji and tell him he looks lovely today. Or better yet, call your wife/girlfriend something I've heard you and Choji jokingly say to each other before, and see what happens.)

Like I said, some things just don't translate.

However, some things just don't need translating.

Some things don't even need words.

Like when I come home troubled or upset about something. I may not say a word about it or show outward signs, and yet...your mother knows. Inochi, Choza, even you may be unable to tell, yet without exchanging words, Yoshino knows. Call it woman's intuition, or whatever you want, but on some level she knows me better than anyone, sometimes even myself, does.

Sure, you may see me as a whipped dog. And yes, Yoshino may ride my ass sometimes. But when she understands me like that without words, and I see her give me the smile she reserves just for me, I can't help but feel it's all worth it, misunderstandings and all.

I don't know how else to say it, other than to say without your mother, I would surely fall to ruin.

Now I'm sure by now I've bored you, and you're rolling your eyes and muttering to yourself that this still doesn't help you understand woman.

Hell. In my almost forty years of life, I still can't quite figure them out.

Son, I don't think we ever really do, and I'm almost positive I never will.

But in the end, through all the troubles and misunderstandings, it's still worth it. Maybe someday, you'll find yourself a nice girl and figure it out in your own way.

If you do, I hope you let me know.

After all, I could always use some advice.

Your Father

P.S. Here's the list I mentioned above, with a few of the deadly phrases used by the women in my life over the years, along with their true meanings:

1) "Fine." - This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.

2) "Nothing." - Means something and you need to be worried.

3) "Go ahead." - This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it.

4) "Whatever." - A woman's way of saying 'screw you'.

5) "That's okay." - She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

And the most often misunderstood:

6) "Wow!" - This is not a compliment. She's amazed that one person could be so stupid.

There's a trick to listening to the tone of these phrases, which is the surest way to translate them into their true meanings. These are especially deadly, of course, when used in conjunction with an argument.

P.P.S. And for the love of all that is holy, don't, do not, let your mother see this entry. Burn it once you've read it if you must. You'll save us both if you do.

A/N: The longest chapter so far, in the blind hope that will somehow make up for my lack of updates. ^_^' This was a challenge to write, as it's basically been half-finished in my documents for the last 4 months or so. It's incredibly difficult to get your head back in the game when you've only got a few minutes to work on something, and I ended up deleting and rewriting more times than I could count, and I kept worrying I wasn't keeping Shikaku in character.

I've had a plan in my head for what 'lessons' Shikaku was going to bring up for this fic, and so far this is looking to be about 8 chapters or so. That being said, it isn't set in stone, and I'm hoping to be able to have Shikaku reveal a little more of his past exploits to Shikamaru before all is said and done. ;)

Shikaku's list phrases above is roughly based on a sign a neighbor of my grandparents used to have in their yard, as well as something they used to say. It used to crack up my brother and sister when we passed it, and I couldn't help but think of it when I was writing this.

Reviews are always appreciated and encourage me to keep writing, so thanks to everyone still reading and reviewing this! ^_^ You guys rock!

Edit: Wow, I feel stupid. ^_^' After reading some of the reviews on this chapter, I found myself scratching my head and going 'Who on Earth is this blonde person they keep talking about?' I then went back and read this chapter...and proceeded to bang my head into the wall. Not only had I typed 'blonde' instead of 'brunette' when describing Ino's mother (who is the woman Shikaku is talking about), I didn't catch the mistake until you guys brought it to my attention, despite the fact that I proof-read the thing like three times. -_-'

I'm very sorry, and I've corrected the mistakes. Thank you all for pointing it out to me, as well as my 'PSS' typo as well. Things like that help me become a better writer, so don't be afraid to point them out to me in the future (for I know there will probably be more mistakes like that in future chapters, despite my best efforts, for which I apologize in advance).

Thanks for all the reviews, they really help! ^_^