A/N: Thank you guys so much for all the wonderful feedback I got on the last chapter. :) Despite the tone it took, I had a really good feeling when I wrote it, and by the reviews everyone else did when they read it, too.
But I'm afraid this is it, ladies and gentlemen, the final chapter. Well, I say final, but I have an epilogue in the works, though this is the last journal entry from Shikaku. This was one of the chapters I wanted to do from the beginning, and in my head it has always been the last. (Unless of course I'm hit with sudden inspiration or think of a new subject for him to tackle, in which case I'll go ahead and throw it out here, but for now at least, I'm done.)
Very special thanks everyone who's reviewed, followed, and added to their favorites. I'm both humbled and inspired by the interest you guys have in my story. ^_^
~Shikaku On Children~
Dear Shikamaru,
Some say that children are one of life's greatest blessings.
Others call them little parasites, saying that they're noisy, or take up too much time and resources.
Still others simply shrug and say they don't have an opinion one way or the other, not having children themselves and never having put much thought into it.
When I was your age, I tended towards the latter, as did most of my friends. Though you never said so, I have the feeling you did as well...before Asuma's passing, at least.
The funny thing about having kids is, you don't always know what to expect or just how well you'll take it until it actually happens to you - and when it does, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
Because there are several things you've never truly felt in full capacity until you've had children - fear, love, pride, and embarrassment being the forefront of those things.
Fear, because you've never truly been afraid until you've had to worry for the safety of your child, or looked at a thermometer you've pulled out of your terribly feverish son's mouth.
Love, because you've never truly been loved until you look into the adoring eyes of your toddler or had your infant grasp your finger for the first time.
Pride, because you've never truly been proud until you've seen your child do something wonderful, be it take his first steps, draw you a picture, or graduate to chunin.
Embarrassment, because you've never truly been embarrassed until your four-year-old walks outside buck-naked and covered in paint while you're talking to one of your bosses at the door. (Seriously, what the hell possessed you to do that?!)
And all of that isn't even counting the day-to-day things and feelings that change once you have children.
For instance, I maintain that Yoshino was a hell of a lot more mellow before she had a fussy baby demanding her attention for everything, and then a surly teenager to ignore her and take her for granted. For that matter, I was a lot more mellow (hard to imagine, eh?) and less strict before you came along - but then again, I had no reason to be before, did I?
That being said, some people get more mellow after having children, simply because remaining so tightly wound with the daily frustrations of being a parent would otherwise mean downing whole bottles of antianxiety medication (FYI, Inochi falls under this category).
The sheer sense of sudden responsibility can feel crushing (as I already demonstrated from my own reaction to hearing I was going to be a father), though the sudden lack of responsibility when your child grows up can feel almost worse (though I may be saying that now because that particular wound is so fresh to me).
Even the most impulsive of people can find themselves suddenly becoming less so once they become parents; After all, it's hard to be brash and impulsive when you know you have a near-helpless human being depending on you for stability.
Personally, the biggest change I found in myself and others was a sudden abundance of patience. If you'd handed me a screaming, sobbing toddler or forced me to try to teach an 8-year-old how to make a particular hand sign when I was, say, seventeen, I never would have been able to handle it. Five years with you, and I could spend hours patiently sounding out kana in your picture books with you.
My point is, everything, and I do mean everything, changes when you have children.
Sure, some of the changes may sound negative, but in my opinion, the good far outweighs the bad.
Becoming a father was the greatest achievement of my life, and I wouldn't change having you for anything.
Sure, there were some days I wanted to kill you (the Great Scissor Incident when you were six comes to mind), or when it was particularly difficult and downright unpleasant. I will never get over potty-training or teething (yet compared to what Choza went through on that front I feel like I was spared). And don't even get me started on all of the teenaged hormonal think-you-know-everything crap - even teenaged geniuses like you are idiots.
But for every one of those days, there were the ones when you'd crawl into my lap and fall asleep sucking your thumb when you were a baby, or the time you took your first steps and said "Papa" for the first time. The days you'd walk up to me and blindly hold your arms out to be held, or would positively fly across the room as soon as I came home from a mission that took me away for more than a day. The pride I felt when you mastered the Shadow Possession technique the first time. The days when we'd sit and play shogi for hours, talking about everything and nothing, and sometimes not talking at all.
I remember when you were little, and you just used to blindly follow behind me with unwavering trust. My little shadow, that's what your mother used to call you. Me and my shadow; waddling when you could barely walk, trotting when your legs were too short to keep up with mine, yet following all the same.
I miss those days the most of all. Because as hard as all of it is, the hardest part of all has been letting go.
I know, I know, I'm getting sentimental. The whole point of this book was to give you some advice to grow up on.
But watching your child grow up is one of the most bittersweet feelings there is.
Because one day, you're walking along with your 3-year-old, then turn around to find him face-down in a mud puddle, covered in deer crap and crying (I'm sorry, that memory is probably more amusing to me than you). Then at some point, you turn around and find him grown up enough to step over the puddle and smart enough not to step in the deer crap, and sure, you're proud, you've done your job and taught him to stand up on his own, but...you can't help but feel a little sad, too.
Because the days of sticking you on my shoulders and having you shadow me are over.
You can handle yourself, and no longer need me around.
You've grown up. It's what children do.
That doesn't make it any easier for your old man to accept, though.
I think I've mostly muddled this - I started out trying to give you advice on kids, and I've gone and turned it into the pity party of an anxious father. Sorry.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is...I'm proud of you. I think I might have said it before, but I feel like I need to say it again.
I remember being told once that the best way to gauge a person is to look at their children, because how a kid turns out is a direct reflection on how a person raised them.
True, that's not always the case - I've met some real jerks that were raised by saints, and great people who were raised by monsters or nobody at all - but I'd like to think that with you at least, that's right.
Because you turned out all right, and if that's the only thing I'm ever remembered for later on, than I couldn't be happier.
If I'm considered half the man you've turned out to be so far, I really couldn't ask for more.
Because in the end (at least for me), having children really does bring out the best in you.
Love,
Your Father
A/N: Shikaku's little bit about embarrassment comes from my very own mother, who once assured me that she spoke from experience when she said no matter what I did, it would fail in comparison to anything my future children could do to embarrass me (thanks, Mom).
Thanks for reading and sticking with my story, it's meant a lot! ^_^
Reviews are both loved and appreciated! :)