This may well be my longest chapter yet (I had hoped to make it my 400th post but training courses and a distracted muse got in the way of my schedule.)
I hope this will make up for my absence for the next few days – see you all on Tuesday!
…
Marissa came home early from work. The kids were still at school and Bianca was still at the Miranda Centre so she had the house to herself. There wasn't much time to have fun with the solitude though because there was still a lot to do before the trial, including packing.
She hung up her coat in the mud room and as she left she knocked her leg on the small black suitcase that was parked against the wall. Doing so, she dislodged the small pile of hats, scarves and gloves the kids had balanced on top of it over the past few weeks. She scooped up the fallen clothing, and set about hanging them on the right hooks on the wall. Then she returned her attention to the case. It was the one Tad had brought over from his attic the day they moved in. She had been meaning to unpack it every time she saw it, but once she left the mud room she forgot about it all over again; there were just so many more important things to think about rather than remembering to empty a case that probably only contained dirty laundry. Now however, Marissa was glad she'd spotted it. It was the perfect size to pack for the trip to Philadelphia.
When she picked it up she was surprised to find the case was quite heavy. She carried up to her bedroom and dropped the case unceremoniously on the bed. She got a pair of scissors from the dressing table to cut off the security tab left on by the police. Then she unzipped the case that hadn't been opened since the night of the Chandler shooting over a year ago…
…
There were a couple of silvered zip bags on the top of the case but the first thing to catch Marissa's eye was a corner of fabric poking out from under them. The cloth was a lurid combination of orange, yellow and brown stripes and when Marissa touched the dress fabric she found her mind was suddenly awash with memories.
...
She remembered when she brought the dress on a shopping trip with Krystal… and she always called her Krystal because she couldn't see that woman as her mother, Lydia was her mother. Krystal was the woman who sold her as a baby. The woman who chose her beautiful blonde twin sister over her… The woman who found her in that shameful massage parlour where Marissa and been forced to work in order to make the money to go to college, and then she had followed her back to Pine Valley having no clue who she really was… She only became 'mom' after the amnesia; she was always Krystal before…
...
Marissa gasped at the rush of information that suddenly filled her head, but there was more…
...
That dress… that was the dress she was wearing when she finally found the courage to tell Bianca how she really felt. She had found her in the park and nervously took that step forward for a kiss; a kiss that ended too soon. Bianca had stepped back with tears in her eyes, saying that she couldn't do this, leaving Marissa standing there with a broken heart. But Marissa couldn't give up, she had realised the truth of her heart and she wasn't going to surrender that easily. It was almost perfect timing when Bianca found her again a few hours later, just as she was telling JR she didn't love him anymore and that the person she really wanted was Bianca.
Later she told Krystal… mom… that she was in love with a woman and that woman was Bianca. She knew she would go crazy if she didn't tell someone and mom had been amazing and so supportive. And with impeccable timing once more, Bianca then walked in and smiled at her and Marissa could only beam right back.
After they had toasted each other with champagne, Bianca had walked her back to the car; they held hands the whole way and then lingered by the car door, not wanting to say goodbye. Bianca had made a joke of the stand-off and grinned.
"You know you are going to have to let go at some point."
"Make me." Marissa teased back, unable to make herself loosen the hold she had on Bianca's soft warm hand.
Bianca's smile softened and a new light sparked in her eyes as she slipped an arm around Marissa's waist and kissed her, really kissed her. The world spun in that moment and Marissa wrapped her arms tightly around Bianca's neck in order to stay on her feet. Bianca pulled back and rested her forehead against Marissa's.
"Are you going to let me go now?" Bianca asked, her eyes shining with humour and love.
Marissa shook her head.
"I'm never going to let you go!"
…
Marissa sat down on the bed, her mind awash with this new information… these new memories. Marissa returned her attention to the open case on the bed and wondered what else it contained, and whether there was something there that could unlock more of her past. Eagerly she grabbed the first zip bag in the pile and opened it. A mobile phone dropped into her hand. It was an old smart phone, the battery long dead, but as she stared at it she got the memory of flicking her finger down the phonebook screen searching out a name…
…
Marissa was beginning to feel smothered by JR's attention after he had brought her back from the hospital. She knew she was still in shock; she knew she was still scared after the trauma of her and Bianca's ordeal at the hands of Ricky Torres but she wasn't sure this was what she needed. Then out of the blue Bianca rang from her hospital bed to check if she was okay and suddenly Marissa felt able to smile again.
When their conversation was over and Bianca wished her a good night, Marissa hung up her cell phone, relief washing over her at the news that Kendal was safe; and so happy that Bianca was sounding more herself. JR was still watching her, a wide smile on his face. She knew he was hoping to use this situation to bring them back together and right now she didn't really have the strength to fight it. She let him take her up to the room he'd had prepared for her and lay down under the blankets.
JR kissed her brow.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" he asked lingering by her bed side.
Marissa smiled patiently at him.
"No I'll be fine." she said. "Goodnight JR and thank you."
JR nodded and kissed her once more before wishing her good night. He switched off the wall light and closed the door, plunging her room into darkness. Suddenly Marissa felt like she was back in the dark closet trapped and scared. She scrabbled to her side table and switched on the bedside light, the glow once more giving familiar shape to her bedroom. Marissa lay with her eyes wide open, nervous at the thought of closing them again. She didn't like the idea of being alone with her fear… but she didn't want JR here either. She knew who really made her feel safe. Marissa turned to her bedside table again and picked up the cell phone she had placed there. She scrolled down the screen just a few names until a familiar six letters glowed at her… Bianca. Strange how just looking at a name could make her feel safe. She wondered briefly about making the call and how good it would feel just to hear her best friend's voice, but Bianca was probably already asleep and she didn't want to disturb her.
Marissa rolled onto her side starring at the name shining from her cell finally feeling safe enough to close her eyes and go to sleep.
…
Marissa smiled at the phone and stroked a finger lovingly down the blank screen, had she really been that naïve about her feelings for Bianca? Marissa turned back to the case and picked up the next zip bag, it was larger than the first and moving it revealed a pair of beige shoes… Strangely the sight of the pair of plain, dull-coloured heels whisked Marissa right back into her memories.
...
They were her business shoes… sensible and practical. She had worn those shoes, meeting Bianca in the hospital to discuss her divorce. Little did she know then that she was beginning the most important journey of her life…
...
Marissa's mind didn't linger in that moment though, the tedious conversation between lawyer and client and awkwardness of a rekindled friendship that had never been all that close; instead it whisked her forward…
…
Marissa had thrown the shoes on as she rushed from her hotel, she was late picking up AJ for lunch and she didn't want JR to use this as an excuse to keep her away.
She was terribly anxious on the drive over to the Martin's house. She knew she had to tell AJ, about breaking up with JR and her reasons for moving out and more nerve rackingly about her and Bianca. She just didn't know how he would react. He had been so happy when he thought his family was back together and now she had to shatter his dreams all over again.
She had barely stepped out of the car before AJ tore down the path and gave her a huge hug.
Opal followed him out.
"He's been waiting for you." the older woman said giving Marissa a grin.
"I'm sorry I'm late." she said, before holding her son at arms-length and checking that he was okay. He smiled right back at her.
"I though you weren't coming." said AJ.
"Hey!" said Marissa quick to reassure him. "Wild horses couldn't keep me away."
Marissa drove them to Krystal's for lunch. She thought it would be a safe and familiar environment for them to talk about her reasons for moving out; hopefully he was old enough to understand.
They found a table by the window and gave their order to Will, AJ had his usual burger and Marissa ordered the chicken salad.
Marissa screwed up her courage to try and begin what she knew was going to be an awkward conversation.
"Do you like Bianca?" she asked, hoping this was the best way into the subject.
AJ nodded his head violently and then went on to regale Marissa on all the cool things Bianca had let them do at the hotel after Marissa had left them… Left them to run back to JR and away from the truth…
He was talking animatedly, waving his arms describing how they had all held hands and jumped in the pool with a splash, and how the life guard had told them off.
Marissa smiled at his excitement and let him talk. She knew she was being a coward, but she missed happy AJ, he had been a little subdued when she saw him of late.
Their order came, the plates carefully placed down in front of them, but when the waitress coughed pointedly and remained standing beside their table. Marissa looked up confused, and them she laughed. Their waitress was Bianca.
Marissa looked across to the bar and could see her mom giving her a wink, leaving her wondering who was really behind this little prank.
"I just thought I'd come over and say hi." said Bianca.
"Well do you want to join us?" Marissa asked, so glad to see Bianca… maybe her being here would make the conversation easier.
"You can sit next to me!" exclaimed AJ, scooting up on his bench seat.
Bianca sat beside him but still Marissa found the words wouldn't come.
AJ led the conversation, talking about the hotel, about soccer camp, about school. It was almost as if AJ was also afraid of the conversation and was trying to spare his mom by steering well clear of it.
After lunch, Marissa drove AJ back home to the Chandler Mansion. They had missed dessert as Marissa knew there was still a tub of Rocky Road Ice-cream in the freezer at the mansion, but AJ did insist that they brought a cookie home for his daddy, because his daddy needed cheering up too.
This was the part she was dreading most; facing JR. Bianca clearly understood her fear and came along for moral support. The JR they found at the mansion was a drunk. He was unsteady and unpleasant. At one point he fell in a somersault over the armchair AJ was sitting on, only to pick himself up, pick up his drink and stagger into the garden as if nothing was wrong. Marissa was horrified to see JR so changed.
She was grateful to Bianca's presence. Bianca went off to try and talk sense to JR and Marissa was left alone with AJ. He was subdued and quiet again; a completely different boy from the happy child in the restaurant.
That was when Marissa found her moment.
She told AJ that she and daddy weren't getting back together and AJ nodded silently. Then, nervously, she told him that she was in love with Bianca and that they were going to be a couple. AJ's reaction was more then she dared to hope for. He was completely cool with it. In fact he looked like he didn't know what all the fuss was about. He had more important things to worry about, like when was he going to get his ice-cream. Marissa demanded a hug first… it was still hard to believe that this amazing little boy was her son.
Drunken JR was still a jerk when he came back in from the garden, not long after Bianca. How could he not see how much his loud behaviour and slurred speech was scaring AJ. Marissa refused to leave her son in the same house as a drunk, so when JR left the mansion, Marissa drove her son back to the Martin's house. At least it would be safe there.
Tad welcomed them in. He was very understanding about the whole situation. AJ disappeared upstairs to play with Jenny and Kathy and Marissa fetched her and Bianca an iced-tea.
They sat side by side on the couch. Marissa was pouring out her worries about JR and about AJ and Bianca just looked at her and smiled. She then said something wonderful to Marissa, that AJ would be fine because he would be surrounded by love, and in the list that followed she included herself and her girls as people who loved him. Marissa could only gaze back in wonder; a smile spreading on her lips.
"What?" asked Bianca noticing the stare.
"I was just wondering," sighed Marissa, "Why did it take me so long to realise how perfect you are for me?"
Bianca's smile just got wider and Marissa couldn't resist crowning it with a kiss.
…
Marissa sighed at the memory; they had ended up making out on the couch like teenagers after that first kiss, it was incredible… to feel Bianca's arms around her and to taste those amazing lips…
Not for the first time she wondered how far she would have gone in that moment if Tad hadn't interrupted them about ten seconds in, with an embarrassed cough…
Marissa turned back to the suitcase and wondered how she got all of that from just a pair of shoes. It was amazing how the mind worked.
Marissa grabbed the next zip-lock bag. She opened it to reveal a framed photograph. It held a picture of a soccer themed birthday party, the birthday-twins having a shared party with their moms. AJ was clutching a sail boat in his hand. Looking at the picture Marissa knew they had made that boat together, her and Bianca and Miranda and AJ. She could remember laughter and also worry because Reese's lawyer was also going to call later that same day about the divorce.
Marissa stared at the picture a moment longer, but nothing more would come. She put it to one side; well not everything in that suitcase could hide a revelation.
There were no more zip-lock bags in the case, so she started pulling out the musty smelling clothes and carrying them over to the laundry hamper in the closet. She lingered a moment with the striped orange dress in her hands, revelling in the new memories it had given her, before adding it to the hamper. Nothing else in the case seemed to have that kind of pull to the past.
The only thing left in the suitcase once the clothes were gone was a small make-up bag and a white cardboard box.
Marissa decided to tackle the make-up bag first, emptying its contents onto the dressing table to sort through it. She picked up a lipstick and held it in her hand to see if it gave her anything, maybe there were more kisses to remember… but it turned out to be just a lipstick. There was some costume jewellery in amongst the creams and pots which she separated out, before pulling all the make-up into her drawer with a sweep of her arm.
The few earrings, necklaces and rings she scooped into her hand to put in her jewellery box. A large gold ring slipped from her hand and fell back onto the table. Marissa picked it up between finger and thumb. She slipped it on her finger and starred at it for a moment as another memory took hold…
…
JR had kissed her and she had let him, but that wasn't what she wanted. Marissa wasn't sure what it was she did want but it wasn't that! She fled… she fled to someone she knew would understand. In order to get away from that kiss, Marissa had boarded a plane and flown two thousand miles to St. Barts to be with Bianca. Oh, she told herself her reason was altruistic, she was there to give Bianca the news in person that she had won the custody battle, that Reese wasn't going to take the girls away from her. But there was no denying that her real reason for being there was simply so she could hear Bianca tell her that everything was going to be alright. When Bianca said it, Marissa was more inclined to believe it.
When she found Bianca at the hotel bar, her friend looked worried, but when Marissa told her the good news about the divorce, she had never seen a face transform so quickly and they shared a fierce delighted hug. Oh, Bianca was sad about the divorce, but the greatest weight was now lifted. When the subject changed to Marissa's worries and that kiss that JR started but she didn't stop, she felt suddenly guilty about interrupting her friend's holiday… her mother's wedding in fact… simply so she could complain about JR yet again. As the conversation continued Marissa found herself fiddling with the gold ring on her finger, pulling it on and off and twisting it in her fingers, anything to distract her from her guilty conscious and also, from other quieter thoughts that had begun to whisper in her ear.
Marissa was beginning to find herself wondering about how incredible Bianca was. She was beautiful and selfless; the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend. And behind that idea was an even softer whisper… 'and she's gay, what was that like? What would it be like to kiss her?'
Marissa looked across at her friend and was embarrassed as they clinked their glasses together in a toast 'to love!'. Was she crushing on Bianca? Kendal's interruption saved her contemplating her thoughts further and Marissa used her arrival to make a swift retreat to try and clear her head.
The next two days in Saint Barts were very hard for Bianca. Erica had disappeared from her wedding and was nowhere to be found. Marissa tried her best to do everything she could to help cheer her friend up, bringing her drinks, being an ear to talk to and a hand to hold. The secret whispers in her head made her feel terrible, Bianca was suffering and Marissa was still nursing a crush.
The wake-up call came when JR appeared with AJ. When JR cornered her, all arrogant and self-confident about the kiss they had shared Marissa knew he wasn't what she wanted. But what did she want? Her thoughts once more drifted to Bianca… and just as quickly she shut the thought down. She couldn't do that, she wasn't gay! Curiosity wasn't the same as attraction. Bianca was her best friend… JR's flirting was just confusing her. She loved Bianca, obviously, and she would do anything for her, but if Marissa knew anything about herself, it was that she wasn't attracted to women… even if that tiny whisper in her head was still curious about the softness of Bianca's lips.
…
Marissa turned the ring over in her fingers before she dropped it in her jewellery box. She wondered what would have happened if she had been a little braver about following her feelings back then. Maybe a lot of the past trauma wouldn't have happened. She wouldn't have broken JR's heart, he wouldn't have gone off the deep end and shot her. She and Bianca would have been together and no one would have gotten hurt.
With a sigh Marissa picked up the last item in the case; a small, flimsy cardboard box. She opened the lid and peered inside. She was faced with the lid of a green ceramic pot with a pink rose bud for a handle. In that moment it was if the world had jumped sideways and spun on a new axis as a tidal wave of memories came flooding back…
…
It was the music box – the music box that plays her father's song. The most romantic gift Marissa had every received… it was the reason she gave JR a second chance, because she had been overwhelmed by him producing such a special gift … but Bianca was the one to find it, the one who loved her enough to seek it out, only she was too scared to give it to her…
But it was the song that was important! Her father's song! The song she had been singing her entire life…
She first learnt that song on her father's knee as her cheered her up after she'd grazed her elbow…
She sang the song loudly as a child because it was daddy's song and daddy was incredible; so brave and strong and mommy was so kind and funny and she loved them both so very much…
She sang the song night after night after the car accident, after that figure in a uniform on her doorstep told her that she was now alone in the world…
She sang it at night in her little flat after scrubbing her skin clean after a degrading nights work in that massage parlour wishing she had somewhere, anywhere else to go…
She sang it to herself as she slumped to the floor as a bullet tore through her chest and she could feel the darkness closing in…
She sang for it JR when she found out about his cancer…
She sang the song on her wedding day when she thought all her dreams had come true and she had found her Prince Charming…
She sang it to AJ when she became his mother and was tucking him in at bedtime, sharing a little piece of the love her parents had given her growing up…
She sang the song in despair when she discovered JR was not the man she thought he was and that their marriage was over…
She sang it to herself when she was left choking in an attic filling up with gas as Annie left her for dead…
She sang it to herself to give herself confidence as she stepped into the hall to take her bar exam and fulfil her dream of becoming a lawyer…
She sang it in grief when she thought David was dying and she didn't know how to cope...
She sang it for Bianca when Ricky had trapped them in the closet, to make herself feel brave and to let Bianca know she was safe…
She sang to herself as she nervously took that step forward to kiss Bianca for the first time…
She sang it to herself in the anxious moment waiting to see if JR would go through with the blackmail and post that sex tape on-line…
She sang it to herself as they waited on the edge of their seat to see if the house by the park was going to be theirs…
She sang it to herself when JR stood over her, his eyes dead as he pulled the trigger…
She sang the song because to was a song that made anything possible… It was a song about love.
…
Marissa slumped to the floor and stared into the distance. She felt something change within her, something new. She hadn't even taken the lid off of the music box in her hand, but she didn't have to, she could already hear the tinkling tune in her head.
Marissa was still sat on the bedroom floor when Bianca found her an hour later.
"Marissa are you alright." she exclaimed, stumbling forward on her crutches as she tried to kneel beside her girlfriend. Marissa could only turn to Bianca, her eyes wide.
"I remember!" she whispered.
"What?" asked Bianca.
Marissa smiled and cupped Bianca's cheek. She leant forward for a kiss, but stopped just before their lips met; wanting one last look at that soft smile she was going to smother. Then she dipped her head forward and closed the gap.
As they pulled away from the kiss, Bianca looked back, a look of surprise and recognition in her eyes.
"Marissa?" she gasped.
Marissa smiled.
"I remember everything!"
…