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Chapter 5,
Erin was finally alone. Hank had stepped out to get something to eat, Jay had gone home. It had been the longest day of her life. As far as I can remember, that is, she thought incredulously.
After Hank's big announcement, he had stood up to leave the room, stating he wanted to give them some time alone. She had sent him a warning look, had almost said the words out loud Please don't leave me alone, but one glance at Jay's face and she couldn't say them. He looked sad and broken, but he also looked so hopeful. Like maybe a few minutes alone together would fix everything.
She knew he was wrong. But something deep inside her wanted to comfort him, and so she said goodbye to Hank and turned to her husband. Husband. That word sounded so foreign to her. Sure, she got all "whole and healed" as her therapist liked to say. She lived with Hank and Camille, and she had finally made detective. She was turning her life around. But she had never been serious about anyone. She had dated, of course, but she honestly thought of those men as a string of one night stands that happened to be with the same person. She didn't consider any of them boyfriends. And she never would have considered actually marrying one of them.
She must be different now. She had awoken to a room full of concerned faces. She couldn't remember a time where she had had so many friends. And, when she thought back to Jay's face when she woke up, she remembered the unbelievable relief that overcame him and the loving looks that he gave her.
Now, when he sat across from her after Hank left, she noticed he also looked exhausted. "Have you slept at all?" This seemed like a safe way to start the conversation.
"A little." His voice was low and warm. It sounded completely new but also familiar at the same, which she knew made no sense.
"Umm." She drew out the sound, trying to figure out what to say next. "I'm not really sure what we do now."
Jay sat across from Erin, and it felt so surreal. His wife didn't know him. But at the same time, he had just calmed her down the same way he had done many times before. There was a familiarity between them, he could sense it. He just needed to tread carefully. "The doctor said you might get your memory back slowly, or all at once, or not at all." He paused and took a steadying breath, hoping that didn't overwhelm her the way it had him when he heard it. "I don't know what that looks like, honestly." He gave her an empathetic look and continued, "But how about we start off slow. You can ask me whatever you want, I'll tell you as little or as much as you want to know. And I will be here whenever you want me here, and I'll give you space when you ask." He hoped he was saying the right things. "Don't feel pressured. We can do whatever you need."
Erin listened to his words carefully, and waited a beat to answer. He was handling her with such kid gloves, and she found it adorable. "Are you sure we're married?" When his face fell slightly, she laughed in response to let him know she had only been joking. She raised her eyebrows and gave him a smirk. "I don't usually go for.. nice."
Inside, Jay was smiling the biggest smile. His wife was definitely still in there somewhere. Outwardly, his face broke into a lazy grin. Playing along, he replied, "Trust me. I'm not all that nice."
Staring at his grin, all of a sudden she had a flash of memory. She remembered that grin. The famous Halstead grin, she had called it.
They were in the car, driving along a main road. She was in the drivers seat, with Jay by her side wearing a black t-shirt. The drive had been quiet, when finally Jay began to speak, "How long have we worked together, a month?" His head was resting on his hand, as he leaned against the window. He didn't even glance in Erin's direction as he spoke. "I think it's time we can be honest with each other. Do you agree?"
"No." She said quickly, matter-of-factly. It was her turn not look at him as she spoke.
He ignored her. "Two things. One: You driving all the time, I'm not down with that." He shook his head and raised his eyebrows as he spoke, as if she could see his expressions.
"Seniority rules." Erin responded, giving him a dismissive look and turning her eyes back to the road.
He sat up at that, looked over to her. "I've been in the job longer."
"I've been in this unit longer." She quipped.
"Okay, look." He said, waving his hand around in front of his face. "I feel like a house husband."
"Aw." She looked at him, there eyes locked together. Something fizzled between them, and to ease some of the tension, she spoke. "What was the second thing?"
His voice got serious, as his eyes glanced sideways. "What's the deal with you and Voight?"
She pulled over the car and they shared a serious look. She made it seem like she was really going to confide in him, made him promise to keep it just between the two of them, and his expression grew serious, empathetic even. "We went to prom together."
Erin remembered the rest of that day, too. She remembered as he beat up the guy who had catcalled after her. She remembered their easy banter and the sexual tension and their overall vibe. She remembered how well they worked together as partners, and how it even seemed like they were going to be friends.
She didn't understand. How was it possible for her to remember one day out of her life. She couldn't recall the day, the week, the month, the year. She didn't remember the day they met, or any days after that. But that day... that day, she remembered.
"Hey." Present day Jay reached out and touched her face, caressing her cheek softly. "Where'd you go?"
"I had... um... a memory." Or was her mind playing tricks on her. "I think."
"Well," He hoped it was truly a memory. He hoped he was in it. "Why don't you tell me what it was about?"
"We were in the car. We were driving, and you said you felt like a house husband." Immediately his face broke out into a smile, and she recognized that smile immediately from her memories of that day. "Do we work together? Are we partners?"
"We are. We've been partners for 6 years now." For the first time since Erin woke up, he truly believed everything was going to be okay.
"Were we married first? Or were we partners first?" She couldn't even imagine it. They spent all day together at work, and then they spent all night together at home? She couldn't imagine ever liking someone enough to want to spend that kind of time with them. Although, she had to admit, she wouldn't mind looking at Jay all day. The way his shirt clung to his muscles made her want to reach out and touch them. Or bite them. Jesus, Erin. Where did that come from? Get a grip, she chided herself.
"Now that is actually a long story." He leaned back in his chair, making himself more comfortable. "We were partners first. And our partnership was filled with longing stares and sexual tension," he shook his head dramatically, "but sadly, Hank was not having it."
He laughed and she couldn't help but smile. "That sounds like Hank." She replied playfully.
"He came around eventually, though."
"Now, that." She said drawing out the word, shaking her head. "Does not sound like Hank."
He smiled at her and she found herself smiling back. Never in her life could she remember having a conversation that flowed this easily, that made her laugh and smile this much, with a guy that seriously turned her on.
A knock on the door interrupted their eye contact, and they both turned to look at the door. "Speak of the devil," she said.
"You seem to be doing much better, kid." Hank walked in and immediately noticed the color had returned to her face.
"I am." She smiled at him, turning to Jay. It was at that moment that she caught the glint of his gold wedding band on his left hand. She reached out and laid her hand over his, feeling a jolt of electricity at the touch. Embarrassed by her body's response, she pulled her hand away. "I'm feeling much better." She said to Hank, a little more quietly this time.
"I'm glad." He was happy for Jay, and he didn't want to ruin the moment. But he had a feeling it was only a matter of time before she asked-
"Hank." Erin's eyes remained focused on Hank's. He had avoided the conversation before and she needed to know. "Where's Camille?" She braced herself for his answer.
"Erin," Hank kept his eyes on her, but they became unfocused, shining with unshed tears. Jay reached out and grabbed her hand. He held it tightly as Hank delivered the worst news she had ever received in her life. "She passed away almost 10 years ago. She had cancer."
She had lost her memory. She had forgotten her husband. She had lost 10 years of her life in an instant. To describe today as emotional and difficult would have been the understatement of the century.
And yet, hearing those words... She passed away. She could never have imagined or prepared herself for the depth of her pain in this moment. There were no words to describe her anguish. She was completely and utterly devastated.
"There's more." Hank knew he had said he wasn't going to overwhelm her with too much too quickly. But watching the light drain out of her eyes, he knew he couldn't do this again.
"Hank," Jay tried to interject, but he couldn't stop the words from coming out.
"Justin's gone, too." Hank whispered. "It's just you and me, kid. We're the only ones left."
At that, the dam broke. Tears flowed from her eyes blurring her vision, her rate of breathing increased until she was hyperventilating once again. Her eyes remained on Hank, his usual stoic expression lost, his face was broken and his eyes were full of tears. Jay stood from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her in close to him. Again he whispered in her ears, soothing her, begging her to match his breathing. He pressed his body close to hers so that she could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed against her body.
If she had taken a step back to realize the absurdity of the situation, maybe she wouldn't have stayed tucked into Jay's body. But, she did. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against his chest. This amazing man she didn't even know had his arms wrapped around her, and for some reason, his strong, comforting hold was the only thing holding her together. She cried in his arms until she fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was alone.