Hey, guys! Well, here's a new chapter. I know it's a rather dark fic so one doesn't really feel comfortable while reading it. I didn't even feel comfortable while writing it. The feelings of Ritsu are based on the feelings of a friend of mine who hurts herself as well. I know Ritsu is really out of character but cutting really changes people and brings out another side of them, they weren't even aware they had. She only agreed to help me with this fic so people could understand the feelings of a person who cuts himself. Hopefully, people will stop calling persons with this problem emos because that's just shallow and narrow-minded.
By the way, the titles of both fics are titles of songs. "Never to know" is a song by Lene Marlin and "Never too late" is by Three Days Grace.
After this blackout, his rational side came back and he began to panic.
Repeatedly he thought "What have I done?" Once again he felt disgusted at himself, but now for a completely different reason than before.
In haste he held his arm under a jet of water, while anxiously listening to any sounds in his surroundings. He feared that Takano might come in surprisingly since he had to give the man the key to his apartment after everything that had happened recently. If it weren't for the man's persistence he would've never agreed to that. If only he hadn't been weak and vulnerable during their talk, thinks might've been in his favour now.
The wound stung and was still bleeding so he wrapped a bandage around his arm to cover the ugly sign of his own weakness.
Since the bloodthirsty monster within him was satisfied and had withdrawn, his senses were back and he could finally feel the pain he had inflicted on himself.
Hesitantly he looked at his reflexion in the mirror again, afraid that he'd see his ugly, disgusting face again but what he found now was the face he was familiar with, that people told him was attractive.
What's wrong with my mirror? Just a few minutes ago it showed me someone totally different.
Just to be sure that he could trust his eyes; he poked his own nose and trailed down his cheeks with his fingertips.
Everything's alright. I'm okay now. I don't feel the urge to destroy myself anymore. I'm normal now. I'm okay. He repeated these thoughts like a mantra to calm himself down. Of course he knew he wasn't. Nobody in his right state of mind would get suddenly overwhelmed by dark depressing thoughts that seemed to not be his own. Nobody sane changed in one moment to another to a completely different person.
And what made matters even worse was that he had been wrong. He couldn't just simply forget the reasons why he started cutting in the first place. He couldn't just live his life like it had never happened. He couldn't just pretend that everything was fine. Because he would always feel guilty about what he had done to himself and that just added to his insecurity about his own person. Also, because the fear of not being good enough would always haunt me.
Just now he realized that he had only fed his fears by hurting himself. They were satisfied for now but they grew bigger at the same time. And when they were hungry for more, they would attack again.
Later that day, Takano came over to prepare dinner. They didn't talk much to each other, only now and then about some work-related stuff.
Ritsu sat at the table, nervously fidgeting with his pullover. He didn't forget about the deal he made with the other man. In order to not having to go to a therapist he had to get better and he had to prove that he was, indeed, better.
The silence continued while they were eating. Although, Ritsu didn't really eat. His stomach churned up so he didn't feel very hungry. He was too afraid of what would happen next.
"So, show me your arms" Takano cut right to the chase of the matter after they had cleaned the dishes together.
The younger one's heart started to beat uncontrollably as if it tried to escape the body it was in.
"D-don't you trust me?" he countered, slightly hurt. He really tried his best to look like he honestly felt betrayed by this request.
The raven haired just raised his eye brows at that.
"It's not a matter of trust. So, cut the crap and show me!"
He hadn't expected this to be easy. Takano could be as stubborn as he himself was when it came to something the man considered important.
"I don't want to! I'm not a kid you need to control, Takano-san!"
Now he was getting really angry, mostly because he was desperate. He didn't want the other to see that he had made the same mistake again. He wouldn't be able to find an excuse or defend his actions because he knew that nothing could ever make up for this. He was ashamed to admit that he was not able to handle this problem on his own anymore.
"Then show me your arms for prove! I don't believe empty words. If you're an honest man then let actions follow your words!" Takano hissed, already running out of patience.
In the last few days Ritsu had always bid a little defiance at his request but he had complied in the end nevertheless. But now Ritsu just maintained his ground but he didn't seem confident, though. Actually, he reminded Takano of a cornered frightened animal.
Since arguing over it was quite pointless, Ritsu did the only thing that came to his mind: He tried to run away.
But, like the older man had on so many other occasions, he caught him just before he could make his way out of his own apartment. Without listening to the smaller males complaints Takano pulled the sleeves of his shirt up to take a look at the skin underneath the fabric.
Ritsu's strange behaviour had already instilled an assumption that now turned out to be correct. He growled unintentionally.
"That's it! You're going to see a therapist!"
At this, Ritsu successfully freed himself from the grip of the raven haired. He chuckled darkly.
"Are you happy now? You were right, I failed. Congratulations!" he hissed bitterly.
He wasn't really angry at the man but he just felt so frustrated and mad at himself that he needed to get these feelings out of his system.
Takano grabbed his chin and forced him to look him in the eyes. He was also angry by now but more apparent in his gaze was worry. It made Ritsu feel even guiltier. But he relaxed a bit and let the older male hug him.
"I'm not happy. I never am when I know that you're hurt. I just want you to be okay again", he whispered, just loud enough for Ritsu to hear.
They just hugged each other for a while and found comfort in the sound of the others heartbeat. They both tried to ignore the fact that hard times were ahead of them by clinging to each other to reassure themselves that at least this would never change.
Takano wanted to feel the other to find resolve to not let this problem apart them while Ritsu just needed prove that his former lover wouldn't throw him away because of this ugly, dark side of him.
"Why? Tell me the reason, Ritsu" Takano demanded gently. The other just shook his head. He couldn't reveal his fears and thoughts to him. Not now, not ever. He was way too afraid of Takano's response to do so.
So he just said "I don't know."
It was only partly a lie. He really didn't know how it came to this. He really didn't know when he lost his way. Or maybe he had this side in him since he was born? All he knew was that this was a great challenge for their already unsteady relationship but all the same he felt the importance of this relationship to him grow.
I apologize for every grammar mistake I've made. I didn't have a beta-reader for this story.
Thanks for reading.