Chapter 10,

Erin began to follow Jay out of the break room and into the bullpen to hear more about the new case, but she stopped short in the doorway. Hank was standing facing the team, his body partially blocked by a large white board. Olinsky was sitting and scribbling something on a piece of paper at his desk, which seemed to be almost hidden in the corner of the room. Other than Hank, Olinsky, and Jay, there were three others standing in the room. All three of them were staring at her.

She recognized the only female in the room. Her brown hair was swept up in a neat pony tail, and she was wearing tight jeans and a dark blue v-neck t-shirt. She had minimal make-up on and she looked effortlessly pretty. Erin had seen her at the hospital; she had been standing in the back of her hospital room when Erin had woken up originally, but had left almost immediately. That must be Kim, she thought, my best friend.

She forced herself to move further into the room to join the rest of the team, and she went over to sit at her desk. The three pairs of eyes followed her and she averted her eyes uncomfortably, reaching for a pen to take notes on the case.

"Erin," Hank spoke gruffly, knocking the three young detectives out of their trances. "This is Adam Ruzek, Kevin Atwater, and Kim Burgess," he said, by way of introduction. "Lindsay will be on desk duty until I say otherwise, but she's still a detective in this unit and I want everyone to treat her as such." Without any more explanation, he turned to the white board and began to explain the case.

As Jay listened to Hank explain the details of the latest case, his eyes continued to drift to Erin. He could still taste her on his lips, and part of him wanted to walk over to her desk, lift her up, and haul her into the locker room to finish what they'd started.

The other part of him, though... felt confused, and maybe just a little cautious. Erin had spent the entire weekend avoiding him and Sophie, and Sophie hadn't handled it well. Erin couldn't just come in and out of Sophie's life... he wouldn't allow her to just pop in when it suited her, and run away just as quickly.

Sophie needed consistency. He needed to protect her.

And if he was being honest... he wanted to protect himself, too. When he had kissed Erin... he had gotten completely lost in the moment and he had forgotten that it wasn't really his wife underneath his hands.

"Halstead, Burgess, go to the motel and see if you can get any security footage from last night." Voight's order interrupted Jay's thoughts.

As he stood from his desk and grabbed his jacket, Jay decided he would talk to Erin about setting up a more consistent schedule tonight at dinner. They would figure something out. They had to. "I'm driving," he said to Kim as he walked past her desk and out the door.

The rest of the day moved slowly for Erin, stuck at her desk while the rest of the team was out consulting CIs and following up on leads. She couldn't wait for her work day to be over so she could go have dinner with Jay and her daughter.

At one point in the afternoon when she couldn't stare at her computer any longer, she decided to take a walk outside. She couldn't get her mind off of the kiss she and Jay had shared that morning, and the busy work wasn't helping.

The cold breeze hit her immediately when she stepped outside, but she just wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck and pressed on down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, for some reason she couldn't explain, she felt her body turning right and walking towards the wall of names. Fallen Members of District 21, it read.

She slowly glided her finger along the names, whispering each name aloud. She waited for one of the names leaving her lips to trigger a memory, but by the time she read the last name, no memories had arisen.

"Hey," a female voice came suddenly from behind her, causing her to jump and quickly remove her hand from the wall. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

She recognized her immediately, "Kim, hey."

Kim looked past her at the wall of names. She could tell Erin was embarrassed to have been found down here, although she couldn't imagine why. "I come down here sometimes too," she said, walking towards Erin. "I miss her."

Kim reached past Erin and touched a name. Nadia Decotis. She couldn't help but be disappointed when the name didn't evoke any emotional response.

Erin didn't respond and Kim quickly picked up on Erin's increasing discomfort, "Listen," she said softly. "I can't imagine what you are going through right now. But I want you to know I'm here for you." She almost reached out and touched Erin, but then thought better of it. "Sometimes it can be easier to talk to a stranger, you know... without all the expectations and family responsibilities." Erin was still shifting uncomfortably, her hands clasped together, gloveless and white with cold. "I know I'm not really a stranger," she smiled warmly at her best friend, hoping it would put her at ease, "But there's no pressure and no expectations here." She turned, but before leaving she turned back. "I'm a text or phone call away. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night and you just need someone to sit and watch TV with. I'm always here." And with that, she walked away.

Erin stood for a few more minutes, thinking of Kim's words. She was a stranger. That was the problem wasn't it? They were all strangers to her. But Kim was right. Jay, Sophie... even Hank a little bit... they were strangers to her, but she was family to them. They were strangers that looked at her expectantly hoping she would remember them. It felt like a lot of pressure.

Instead of resenting it though... she just hoped she could rise to the occasion. She reached out and touched Nadia's name, hoping this girl she had known was up in heaven, standing with Camille and Justin, looking down on her and giving her strength.

0000000000000000000

Finally, 5 pm rolled around and Hank dismissed everyone for the day. Erin began to save all the documents on her desktop and log out of her computer, and when she looked up, Jay was standing above her. "I'm going to pick up Soph from daycare." He shrugged his black leather jacket on over his muscular shoulders as he spoke, and as he stretched his arms up, his t-shirt rose above his jeans, allowing Erin a brief view of his sculpted abs. "Want to meet us at home around 6?" She forced herself to look away from his body and back up to meet his face.

Home. "Yeah, sounds good," she said calmly, hoping she portrayed more confidence than she felt. Erin couldn't help but feel immediately disappointed when she realized she didn't know where home was. She couldn't get up the nerve to ask Jay, and instead she just watched him walk away.

She stood from her desk and walked over to Hank's office, knocking twice to alert him to her arrival.

"Come on in." He said without looking up. He was surprised to see Erin standing in the doorway, she didn't usually knock. She was the only member of the intelligence unit that let herself in and out of his office whenever she pleased, and she only knocked when she was angry with him and was trying to be passive aggressive.

Erin didn't speak right away, instead she allowed her eyes to take in her surroundings. It was the first time Erin had stepped foot into Hank's office, and her eyes fell to his desk. She immediately recognized the sterling silver star paper weight she had bought him during the first Christmas she was living with him. It was the first gift she had ever bought him and she had hardly been able to afford it. Originally she hadn't been able to decide what to buy Hank, she wanted to express how grateful she was to him for taking her in. In the end, Camille went with her and helped her pick it out. God, she really missed Camille and her guidance. It didn't matter if it was something as small as picking out a Christmas gift or as large as choosing a career or her first apartment, Camille always had the right answers.

Camille would know what to do now. "So Jay invited me over for dinner tonight."

Hank signaled for Erin to take a seat, "That's what you want right?" He could tell she was nervous, but he knew she didn't have any reason to be.

"Yeah, it is." Now she was looking at the other objects on his desk, mostly just to avoid his gaze. "It's just... uh." She couldn't see the pictures lining his desk, only catching the backs of several wooden frames. She wanted to turn them around and study them like she had at her own desk that morning. She resisted reaching for them and continued, "I don't know how to get there." She admitted, finally meeting his gaze.

"You know, Erin." He let out a low chuckle, his voice his usual deep gravelly tone. "Nowadays, there is thing called Google Maps. I'm an old man... but I think even I can teach you how to use it." He stood from his chair, and came around to sit on the edge of his desk to be closer to her. His face grew serious, and he reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'll give you the address. Everything is just going to take some time." He leaned in to her and kissed her briefly on the forehead and then stood up, grabbing his coat off the hook and walking towards the closed door. "Come on, you can drop me off at home and take my car."

"You're going to let me drive your car?" She stood from the seat and followed him out the door. "Wow," she raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. "I guess a lot has changed in the past 10 years."

He laughed at her sassy remark, the same she would have made when she was 15. Not as much as you would think, he thought and began to smile as he walked with his foster daughter towards his car.

0000000000000000

She arrived at the address early, and parked on the street in front of the house. From the car, she took in the medium-sized brick house with a wrap-around porch and a deep green door. It had a pretty large yard for Chicago standards, and the grass was neatly mowed. There was a large expanse of plants and flowers that lined the walkway up to the porch and she couldn't help but smile at the view. Camille had always taken great care to maintain her gardens, and she knew Camille would be proud of this beautiful yard.

At exactly 6 pm, she unbuckled and took a deep breath. You can do this, she encouraged herself as she stepped out of the car. Even though there was no snow on the ground and the flowers were still fairing well, a deep cold had settled on Chicago, especially in the evenings. She wrapped her coat tighter around her body, and walked to the door. She stood at the door, shivering slightly in the cold, but didn't lift her hand to knock.

One, two, three, knock. One, two, three, knock. Her hands stayed firmly placed in the pocket of her black North Face coat, this time clad in black leather gloves. Come on, Erin. You made it here, don't wimp out now. One, two, three, knock.

Jay had seen her arrive from where he had been standing in the kitchen. When he and Erin had moved into the house, Hank had given them a large check as a housewarming gift. Erin had tried to refuse the gift, knowing it would make Jay uncomfortable. Hank wouldn't hear of it, and after seeing the house for the first time, Hank had encouraged Erin and Jay to take the money to 'gut this god awful kitchen'. It took the remodelers six months, but Erin had her dream kitchen put in, which included a breakfast nook with a large window overlooking the front yard. Jay had been giving Sophie a snack to tide her over until dinner, and had seen Erin pull up.

He watched her sit in the car nervously, taking in her surroundings. He was glad he had thought to water the flowers and plants today. Erin loved to garden with Sophie, and Erin had always told her daughter that it was something special they could do together to honor her namesake.

When she finally got out of the car, he watched Erin walk up the front steps on to the porch, and stand by the door. She had a determined look on her face, but she also looked terrified. He realized she had no idea what to expect behind those doors. They had built an entire life, but it wasn't one this Erin was a part of.

He finally decided to put Erin out of her misery, and went to open the front door. "I was going to let you stand out there for a few more minutes," he said, opening the screen door to let her in. He tried to sound more casual than he felt. "But it's freezing out there, and I'm starving." She took a step inside but then stood awkwardly in the doorway, not removing her gloves or coat. She seemed to be waiting for permission to pass through the foyer. "I'll take your coat," he said, trying to relax himself. If he relaxed, maybe she would relax too.

"Thanks," she said, removing her coat to reveal the same outfit she had been wearing earlier today. The same outfit she had been wearing when she left the hospital on Saturday.

"No clothes at Voight's?" He smirked and began gesturing for her to follow him into the kitchen.

She laughed, allowing herself to relax at his smile. "I opened my drawer this morning looking for clothes to change into and found a drawer of diapers and wipes."

The tension in his shoulders released slightly at the sound of her laugh, it felt so good to have her in their kitchen again. "Yeah, Soph kind of took over your room over there. Hank likes to spoil her rotten when she sleeps over."

At the sound of her name, Sophie ran into the kitchen. "Mama!" It was the third time that Erin watched her daughter run into her arms.

"Hi, Soph!" She responded excitedly, lifting her up and swinging her around. She had been waiting for this moment all weekend. In the hospital, she had been overwhelmed, searching her daughter's features and listening to her voice, trying to bring back a memory. The second time, she had been a little more comfortable, but still nervous and unprepared. This time, she was ready. She had quizzed Hank on all of Sophie's favorite things all weekend long. She had studied every photograph, looked at all the finger paintings and art pieces that Hank hung proudly on his walls. She was ready to take on the role as mother to this amazing little girl.

Erin kissed Sophie all over her face and tickled her tummy until she giggled uncontrollably in her arms. She reminded herself that Hank and Camille had missed the first 15 years of her life. They were the most important people in her life, the best parents anyone could ever wish to have. She could do this. "What's for dinner, baby?" She looked down at Sophie, relaxing her hand against Sophie's stomach to give her daughter a break from the tickles and the opportunity to answer. She didn't, but instead looked at Jay. Erin followed Sophie's gaze, and she saw Jay looking at them with a huge smile, his eyes full of love and awe. The look Jay was giving her was too intense, so instead she turned back to Sophie and repeated her question. "Are you hungry, baby?"

"Uh..." Jay, who had been astounded by the scene, spoke up when he saw his daughters confused face. "She isn't answering because you usually call...uh... you call me baby... not her."

Erin's cheeks reddened immediately, and she turned away from Jay to hide her embarrassment. She leaned her face down and began kissing and tickling her daughter's tummy, her laugh causing the tension in the room to dissipate once again.

When Sophie's laughter died down, Erin walked over to Jay and whispered in his ear. "What do I call her?" She was so ashamed that she even had to ask, but she didn't want to confuse her daughter.

Jay could tell it had been a hard question for Erin to ask; it had never been easy for Erin to ask for help, and this was clearly a new level. "I call her princess, which you hate," he said, giving her his signature Halstead grin. "You call her bug or monkey, which I hate!"

She laughed, and began to place Sophie in her highchair. "Why does that not surprise me at all?" It made her happy whenever Jay told her something about this new version of herself - her future self? - that aligned with what the old version of Erin - her current self? her 10 years ago self? what was she supposed to call it? - would think. It was nice to know she hadn't lost her identity or changed too much. If she had become someone unrecognizable, she wasn't sure she could ever get back there.

Jay walked over to get the Chinese takeout he had bought, and brought it over to the table. As Erin unloaded the food, Jay began spooning some rice and small pieces of chicken onto Sophie's plate. Sophie talked about her day at daycare, and Erin was surprised by how much of Sophie's words she could understand.

After dinner, Jay said he needed to bathe Sophie and put her to bed. Erin said goodnight to her daughter and gave her big hugs and kisses, but she stayed back when Jay walked up the stairs with Sophie in his arms. She was hoping Jay would invite her to join and learn their nightly routine, but when he hadn't, she didn't ask - partly because she felt awkward asking permission to put her own daughter to sleep, but also partly because she didn't wanted to impose.

Instead, she busied herself with gathering the leftovers and placing them in the fridge and washing the dishes. The kitchen she stood in was beautiful. It was exactly what she would have designed, it was as if she picked everything out herself. Dark wooden cabinets with blue granite counter tops, a large island in the center of the room with lining one side, plus a breakfast nook and large windows alone the front and side walls. She wondered how they had afforded such a beautiful home with such a modern kitchen, but she wasn't going to ask.

When she finished cleaning up she decided to walk around the rest of the downstairs. She began in the dining room, and was again impressed with the elegant decor. As she peered at the mirrors and paintings adorning the walls, she thought again how proud Camille would have been. And again, she wished Camille were there with her, holding her hand through this overwhelming time.

She moved down the hall and found the family room. There were toys scattered all over the floor, there was a large puzzle on the coffee table, and there were two pink blankets draped over the dark brown leather sofa. Everywhere she looked, there was evidence that a child lived there. Over the fireplace was a giant, way too big TV mounted against the wall... evidence a man lived there. She walked towards the fire place, hoping to get a glimpse of the pictures that adorned the mantelpiece, when she heard Jay coming down the stairs.

She walked towards the bottom of the stairs to meet him. "I should probably get going," she said. Even though she said the words, she realized that she didn't want to leave.

"Okay," he replied, and she was immediately disappointed. "I wanted to run an idea past you first, if that's okay." He stood at the bottom of the stairs, afraid to move closer. He needed to outline his plan, and part of his plan was keeping some distance between them.

"Yeah, of course," she said, trying to seem nonchalant.

"I know you overheard me talking about Sophie this morning. My unnecessary comment about you aside, I really do think she was fussier than usual because she missed you." Guilt washed over her face, and he immediately continued, trying to explain without making her feel bad. "She is too young to understand, and I just think she needs some consistency."

Erin's breath caught in her throat, she was too afraid to let it out. She thought tonight had gone well. She had enjoyed spending time with Sophie so much, and as much as she couldn't blame Jay for not wanting her around, she knew she would be devastated if he asked her to stay away. She looked down at the floor, hoping he didn't see the hurt in her eyes. "I understand," she said quietly.

"I was hoping you could come for dinner every night." Erin looked up at him with surprise, happy tears now welling in her eyes. "We can put her to bed together, like we would normally do."

So I should have gone with them. "I'd like that a-"

"And then after she goes to bed, you can go back to Voight's." Jay had cut Erin off mid sentence, and she couldn't help the surprise and disappointment that arose at his words. She wasn't sure she was ready to move in with Jay and Sophie... but after their unbelievable kiss this afternoon and after their family dinner... she was shocked by how standoffish Jay was being now. He hadn't even moved from the bottom of the stairs. He was standing as far back as he could without going back up.

In truth, Jay wanted nothing more than for Erin to stay with him. He wanted to take her upstairs right now and wrap his arms around her protectively. He wanted to kiss her and make love to her and hold her and never ever let her go.

But this version of Erin wasn't his wife. She wasn't his girlfriend. She wasn't even his friend. She didn't know him at all.

What if she got to know him and she didn't like what she found. It would quite literally destroy him.

So for now, they needed to focus on Sophie. And the rest could wait.

xoxo

I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Please review!