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Chapter 11,

"Come on, bug. It's time for bed!" Erin had finished washing the dishes from dinner and wiping down the kitchen counter tops, and she walked into the living room to find Jay and Sophie building a tower with blocks. It was past her bed time, and Erin needed to get back to Voight's. Olive and Daniel, two people Erin had just learned about and met, were staying at Voight's for the weekend and she was planning to meet them for dessert.

"5 more minutes! Please please please Mommy!" Sophie smiled sweetly up at her mother, and there was no way Erin would be able to say no to those dimples. She could be a little late.

Jay stood from his seat on the couch and kissed his daughter on the top of her head. "Okay, princess. Five minutes, but then you have to go to bed nicely for Mommy, okay?" He rumpled her hair and began walking towards Erin.

Jay always gives in so easily, Erin thought. She smiled at the thought, realizing that three weeks ago she never would have been able to put Jay and always in the same sentence. She had been coming over every night after work to eat dinner and spend time with Jay and Sophie. She would put Sophie to bed, and then be back in the morning before Sophie woke up. She even knew how Jay took his coffee now, medium dark blend with a little bit of skim milk, and she brought him a cup every morning. In other words, they had their routine down.

Not wanting to show how much this exchange thrilled her, instead she gave Jay an eyebrow raise and an irritated look that said: 5 more minutes? Really?

"You know what the best thing about our daughter being two years old is?" Jay whispered in Erin's ear, by way of response. He knew Sophie wasn't paying attention and he could've spoken the words aloud, but he couldn't help but lean in to Erin, wanting to feel her closeness.

"What?" She tried to stifle her smile, Jay's breath on her ear making her feel giddy.

He looked at Erin conspiratorially and said, "She has no concept of what 5 minutes means." He winked at Erin and then walked back over to Sophie. "Okay, Soph. Five minutes are up!" He lifted her from the couch and hauled her over his shoulder while she giggled uncontrollably. "Let's go princess!"

"Mommy, mommy! I'm upside down!" Jay walked with Sophie up the stairs with Erin trailing behind.

After her bath, three books, a goodnight song, and several hugs and kisses goodnight, Jay and Erin turned off the lights and closed Sophie's door, walking quietly downstairs.

As was their routine, Erin reached the bottom of the stairs and began putting on her coat. Jay watched as she slowly slid her arms into her thick winter jacket. She wrapped her cream-colored scarf around her neck before zipping her jacket up to the top.

He wanted to ask her to stay. Every night Jay watched Erin put on her coat and every night he almost asked her to stay. But for some reason, he could never find the words.

Everything had been going so well for their family. Erin was resuming her role as Sophie's mother as if she had never left. Sure, there had been some bumps along the way, some awkward moments. Erin didn't know which stuffed animal and blanket were Sophie's favorite, she hadn't been able to find the special towels with the animal hoods, and the first night, Sophie had been confused when Erin didn't remember to sing her the goodnight song. But all in all, Erin was a fantastic mother - she always had been - and this accident hadn't changed that.

But for some reason, their relationship seemed more complicated. As much as Sophie didn't pick up on the changes in her mother, Jay picked up on the changes in his wife. She was never fully relaxed around him. Usually after they put Sophie to bed, they would sit on the couch drinking beer and talk about their day or watch TV. She would constantly reach over and touch him, putting a hand on his leg or arm, or rest it on his cheek. She always said she had to make up for all the time they couldn't touch at work when they had to 'be professional'. Now, she was careful never to touch Jay. She never relaxed with him on the couch unless Sophie was between them.

His missed the quiet moments. The husband and wife - you don't have to say anything - just sitting together - quiet moments.

She also never brought up Camille or Justin. She was clearly grieving, anyone could see that. She would lose time staring at that family photo on her desk. She would go hide in Hank's office, and one morning when she had clearly hit a low point, she had even walked over to Hank in the middle of the bullpen and wrapped him in a tight hug, a single tear falling down her cheek. But she didn't talk to Jay about it. She had her walls up - walls he had worked so hard to tear down many times before.

There were other things too. Like, for some reason it irritated Jay that she brought him coffee every morning. She used to do that when they were just partners - but now they made their coffee at home. His favorite part of the day was waking Sophie and bringing her into the kitchen, the coffee brewing and Erin sitting in the breakfast nook waiting for him. Store bought coffee delivered and drank on the way to work just wasn't the same.

"Do you think that there is any chance," Erin had her hand on the door handle, ready to leave when she turned back to Jay, interrupting him from his thoughts, "that I will ever get our daughter to laugh like you do when you flip her upside down?"

Our daughter. He let out a small laugh and grinned at his wife, "Oh, definitely."

All of a sudden, as she listened to the words come from Jay's lips and she saw his unbelievably sexy grin, a memory washed over Erin.

Jay and Erin were sitting at a high-top table, drinks in their hands. It was the night of her high school reunion, she had asked Jay to go with her and pretend to be her fiance. Last minute, she had backed out of the reunion, and instead she and Jay went to a quiet bar for a drink. The low lighting made for a romantic atmosphere, and their table positioned next to a large window, overlooking the twinkling lights of the city.

She had never seen Jay look more handsome than he did at that moment in the low lights of the bar. She had seem him look sexy and dangerous, in jeans and a t-shirt, talking to witnesses, holding a gun. But damn if he didn't clean up nice in a suit.

She knew she owed him an explanation for why they had bailed out on the high school reunion. And surprisingly, she found herself telling him the truth. "So like you saw in my file, I was Voight's CI so he knew me." He stared into her eyes as she spoke, listening so intently to her words. "And when I was 16 him and his wife took me in. He saved me." She smiled wistfully, and took another long sip of her drink.

She told him about St. Ignatius, about her history as a street kid. He didn't interrupt and he didn't take his eyes off of her. When she told him about the mean girls at school, he just smiled mischievously and said, "Who's ass did you kick first?" She laughed in response - in the short time he knew her, he seemed to know her so well.

At one point after a long silence, he looked deep into her hazel eyes and grabbed her hand gently, squeezing it lightly.

She knew that look. Many men had given her that look in the past. And even though no other man's look had made her feel quite the same as Jay's did, she knew they couldn't go there. "We can't," was all she said.

He grinned at her, seemingly not put off or surprised by her answer. Instead he stood and said, "Come on, let's get you home."

Even though she knew nothing could happen between them, she felt her body being pulled to him like a magnet, and when she stood up, she stood close to him, their bodies only separated by a thin layer of air. She looked his body up and down, she was so tempted. "Maybe some day," she said wistfully, reaching his eyes again.

"Oh, definitely."

"Erin?" Erin was standing with her hand still on the doorknob, but she hadn't moved or spoken in a couple seconds. He hoped she was having a memory of some kind.

"Yeah," she shook her head, bringing herself back to reality. "Sorry, um." She tried to regain her focus, the memory of that night still fresh in her mind. "I should, uh." She shook her head again, struggling to form words. "Get going." She finished and turned awkwardly.

"You remembered that night," He remembered the first time he had said those words to his wife, and he hoped it had triggered that memory. That night had been a turning point for them. "Didn't you?"

"Yeah." She whispered quietly, turning back to face him and looking at him cautiously.

He could see she wasn't ready to talk about it. Even if this version of Erin was different than his wife, he still knew her well enough to know she needed to take some time to process all of this. "That was a good night," he leaned into her and slowly kissed her on the cheek, and then pulled back, signaling that it was okay for her to go.

Erin sat shivering in the car. She couldn't be sure if the shivers were from the cold that had descended on the evening, or from the memory. It was so clear. And it felt so significant.

The other memories had been different. The flirtatious banter in the car... they picked that up again easily, and she could recognize herself in that memory. The memory of her being married and pregnant... that seemed like an entirely different person. All this time she had been waiting for something to bridge them... something to explain how she had gotten from enjoying a sexually charged but generally innocent work partnership to a lifelong commitment and a baby.

This memory shifted things into place.

She had told Jay about her past. She had trusted him with her history, with Hank and Camille. She had told him her mom was a junkie and her father was in jail. He had looked sexy as sin in his suit, but his eyes were full of comfort and understanding.

It was an unbeatable combination, and now she realized she wasn't at all surprised she was married to Jay.

She had never seen herself settling down. She had never seen herself being the "marrying" kind. Even the past few weeks with Jay and Sophie, she felt more comfortable in her role as a mother than a wife - but that may have had something to do with her helping raise Teddy.

Even so, she couldn't see herself as a wife to Jay. Day after day, night after night, she spent time with him. Their aforementioned witty banter made her day for more enjoyable. And she was attracted to him - that was for sure. He was also a fantastic father. She had thought she was maybe falling for him, she had realized that a few days ago.

But she had excused that as a result of the sexual tension she felt between them whenever they were alone. And she had fallen for guys before, albeit briefly, but still. She couldn't imagine how she could go from maybe falling for a guy to wanting to marry him, to spend the rest of her life with him.

But that memory... the trust she placed in him and the comfort and understanding he gave back... yeah, she could see it. She could definitely see it.

She just wished she could see the rest of it. She wanted to remember it all.

Xoxoxoxo