A/N: I'm terribly sorry that it took so much time for me to write a new chapter. I am a slow writer.
Well, since I am responsible (or like to think I am), I'll warn you: Mentions of drug abuse in this chapter and maybe in the following.
Somewhere deep inside him he knew that it had been wrong to snap like that. He knew that Takano was just worried about him.
But that made everything worse. He felt so guilty. Just imagining being in the other's situation made him want to puke. How frustrated and helpless the man must feel, Ritsu could never comprehend.
He was not only hurting himself but the man who loved him as well. That was the devilish circle, after all. Cutting yourself makes you feel good for a short time, until you realize that you're not only ruining your own life but also the lives of people who care about you. So you want to stop but, you're so depressed and upset that you end up cutting yourself again. You get caught up in a circle of hate, guilt and sadness.
Ritsu ran without a destination in his mind. He just wanted to feel something other than hate and guilt. It made him feel alive when his lungs ached and his head started to spin. The pain reminded him that he had a body, as weird as it sounds. Physical pain felt real to him. It was easier to explain. After all, he had the evidence of pain marked on his body. It was hard to prove pain when there's no injury. People tended to believe what they could see and doubt what they couldn't.
Since he felt like he had no other place to go, he shoved his hands in the pockets of his coat to feel the small note. It was not necessary to actually see it; since he already had the address memorized, but feeling something tangible to confirm that this wasn't a dream gave him the courage he needed to go.
This led to him standing in front of yet another building, but this one was old and condemned. The windows were smashed and the door was bent out of its frame. It was very likely that it was no longer provided with electricity or heating.
It wasn't an easy decision but after drawing in a deep breath he entered the building, only to be met with a surprise.
He shouldn't have been, really, but he was.
There were more than twenty people in this shabby house and none of them seemed to be sober. The air smelled like cheap alcohol, smoke and foreign spices.
Ritsu felt an uneasy feeling form in the pit of his stomach and was just about to leave as the girl from before found him and beckoned him over to where she was standing. Now he felt obligated to at least say hello before he left, so he walked over to her and forced a smile on his lips.
"I knew you would come. It was just a matter of time", she said proudly and shoved him in front of the people she was talking to. "This is the newcomer I've told you guys about. His name is... uh?"
She gave him a look that advised him to end her sentence.
"Ono... uh, Oda Ritsu", he mumbled.
It was a close call. If he had told them his real name, they would have been able to track down his family, and he didn't want them to be dragged into this mess he knew he was getting himself into.
"Yeah, whatever. I'm Angel. That guy in the corner that looks fucking wasted is Puncher. The guy in front of you is Devil. And the one behind him..."
She continued to list all the names of her friends but Ritsu wasn't listening anymore.
They use fake names. I'm such an idiot! Why didn't I think of that? He scolded himself.
"You'll be Dollface from now on."
This statement brought him back to reality.
"What?! Why?" he nearly shouted, a look of confusion on his face. Maybe he should have paid attention to what she was saying after all.
The girl simply shrugged and took another drag of a weird cigarette. Its smell made him feel slightly dizzy.
"Because you've got a face that looks like someone sculpted it. You could make so freaking much money with it if you were a prostitute!" she explained to him, sounding a bit annoyed. "And look at your body! With your good looks, you could conquer the world! It's a fucking sin to look as perfect as you do!"
At this point she sounded really angry. It then dawned on Ritsu that she was envious. This realization made him slightly angry as well.
Sure, it wasn't the first time he was told that he was handsome. Actually, that was the first comment he heard whenever he met someone new and he had grown to hate it. People saw in him a person that looked perfect on the outside and they automatically assumed that he must lead a happy life. They underestimated him and his abilities because they thought he could get whatever he wanted just because he was handsome. If it was possible, he would trade his looks immediately. He would prefer being ugly over being acknowledged for his appearance and not for his personality. He always wanted to be more than a well-formed body and a handsome face.
"I'm far from perfect" he objected bitterly.
All his struggles to reach his goals were usually in vain. He was working himself to death but all his efforts were for nothing. He hasn't even moved one step ahead from the beginning. He was stuck where he started and no matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to make progress.
He knew that he had to keep trying and work even harder. But at the same time he felt so useless. And worthless.
"Oh, so what's your problem, golden boy?" she asked him sarcastically. Then she shoved the cigarette in front of his face and waved it around like it was a fan. "Take a drag of this and your problems will solve themselves, I promise ya!"
His last bit of reason tried to argue with him about the pros and cons, but it soon dissolved into a craving. When you feel like you are drowning in an ocean of despair you cling to anything that can keep you above water. So he found himself taking the cigarette, putting it between his lips, and taking a deep drag. He soon discovered that was a huge mistake as he burst in a painful coughing fit. His lungs seemed to be on fire and the smoke choked him. Tears were already forming in his eyes.
As soon as he was able to breathe again, he felt calm. Unusually calm and dizzy. The room was spinning so he was forced to sit down or he would have fallen face first on the ground.
The movements of the ground made him feel sick so he just lay there and tried concentrating on breathing.
He couldn't really think straight because it felt like his brain had turned into jelly. It felt weird. He became actually scared that his brain would fall out of his ear if he as much as turned his head.
Somehow this idea seemed so comical to him that he started to giggle.
"Whoa, bro. You were too greedy for your first time."
Ritsu could neither perceive where the voice was coming from nor what meaning the words held, but that didn't bother him. He felt too comfortable at the moment to be bothered by anything.
"I'm gay", he confessed out of the blue. "I'm gay! I'm in love with a man! I have slept with him too! Multiple times!" He was screaming now.
"You're a gay in the closet? I see your problem, then. Here take another drag. You'll talk more."
He did as he was told since he craved the metallic taste that the smoke left in his mouth.
"My parents are homophobic, though. I learned it the hard way", he mumbled, feeling the dull pain from a time long ago. It left a scar on his heart that might never fade.
"I'm simply wrong. All I've ever wanted is right in front of me but I can't reach it. Maybe I never will. And it's killing me inside. " He started to laugh again at this point. Even though the words were serious and came straight from his heart, he couldn't feel all the hard feelings that usually came along right now. Whatever he was smoking seemed to shield him from all the bad feelings and that's the reason why he could finally speak freely about his fears. It made him feel strong and invincible.
"I'm so damn useless."
"Why?" The question came almost immediately.
"Why?" he repeated, chuckling darkly. "Because I love him, but I can't bring myself to tell him. Because I know I will never live up to all the expectations people hold about me. Because I'm so afraid that being me won't be enough I don't even know who I am anymore. Because I feel exhausted after waking up. I am tired of trying and failing. What's the reason to get up in the morning and to fall asleep at night knowing that I just wasted another day? It feels like I've been chasing my tail this whole time and now I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to catch it. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that people underestimate me and judge me because of my looks and my family. But what I hate the most is that even I can't find anything underneath all this. Maybe I am an empty shell. Maybe I am only a doll that was meant to just look good. Maybe that's all people see in me because it's true."
He never stopped laughing while admitting all his worries in front of the strangers, so his speech wasn't taken all that seriously. In fact the people who had actually heard it had had a hard time following him because they were too stoned themselves to concentrate. Besides, it is really hard to comprehend the words of someone who is laughing and talking at the same time. It didn't really matter to him anyway. He just needed to admit his worries out loud. And this was only the beginning of it.
"I should go home now" he then decided and struggled to get up from the dirty floor. That was a harder task than it should have been because it still seemed to him like his surroundings were swaying. Although he was wobbly, he managed to stand up and stagger to the exit. No one tried to stop him. No one even realized that he was leaving so it never occured to anybody that it was dangerous to let a certifiable man wander around alone at night, especially stoned.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Before I let you off to your reallife, I want to say that I seriously think that people misjudge Onodera because of his looks. In the novel (Yoshino Chiaki no baai) it is mentioned that Yoshino, while meeting Onodera during the New Year's Party, muses that Onodera might have been hired due to his good looks. Well, personally I think that assumptions like this one can lessen one's self-esteem and since Ritsu is a person who gets insecure very easily, I think he might take something like this to heart. He is a pretty interesting character since he has so many flaws even though he is always trying so hard to be perfect.
And last but not least, I want to thank to Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan for proof-reading and editing my story. You don't cease to do an amazing job at it. (I would give you a cookie if I could.)
Thanks for reading!