Chapter 13,

Erin spent the night awake mulling over Kim's words. A little after 2 am, she realized Kim had been right. She and Jay spent so many hours of the day together, between work and taking care of Sophie, but they never really talked. They never voiced their feelings out loud. They never let the other one know what they were thinking, and instead they were both left guessing. Even the other night when Jay had mentioned the word 'boundaries', Erin had escaped up the stairs and avoided him after. She hadn't probed, she hadn't given him a chance to explain.

She tossed and turned most of the night, but still she woke feeling refreshed and energized, now ready and eager to talk to Jay. She showered and dressed quickly, greeting Hank in the kitchen on her way out. "See you at work," Hank called after her, not bothering to look up from the paper.

While Erin stood in line at the coffee shop, she felt her phone vibrating in her jeans pocket. Surprised to be receiving a call this early in the morning, she looked down at her phone and saw it was Jay calling. As she went to slide her finger across the iPhone screen to accept the call, it occurred to her that Jay rarely actually called her. Instead, he would opt for shooting her a quick text or waiting until they were together, which they were most of the day. She realized all of this because she was momentarily shocked by the photo that popped up signaling it was him, it must have been from their wedding. She didn't allow herself time to dwell on it, and instead answered in a hurry, recognizing it must be something important. "Hi, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine." She was not convinced, he sounded exhausted and distracted. "Sophie was up most of the night and she just threw up her breakfast. She doesn't seem to have a fever, but I'm going to take her to the doctor anyway."

"Oh my god, is she okay?" This was the first time Sophie had ever been sick. That she knew of, she reminded herself. "Do you want me to meet you there?" She still didn't know where the pediatrician's office was.

"No, no, it's okay." No sense in both of them missing work. "We are just about to leave to go see the doctor so I just called to let you know not to come to the house this morning. And can you let Hank know I'm taking a sick day?"

"Uh, sure." Again, she found herself in that uncomfortable situation of wanting to be included but not wanting to invite herself along. "Can I come by after work to check on her?" She felt dumb asking. Of course she could come by after work. It was also her daughter. It was also her house.

"Yeah, of course." He regretted his words immediately upon hearing the uneasiness in her voice. Maybe he should have told her to come. He hadn't mean to exclude her, he just hadn't thought much about it. Only one of them usually stayed home if Sophie wasn't feeling well because they had never wanted to leave the team down two detectives. It didn't happen often, but it had happened enough in Sophie's two years that they had developed a system. "There is just no reason for both of us to miss work, and I'm already here."

He hadn't known, but that was the wrong thing to say. Tears formed behind Erin's eyes. God, she thought, since when am I so damn emotional.

Jay was going to the doctor and Erin was going to work. Because Jay was already there. Erin wasn't there, because Erin didn't live there. She didn't live with her daughter or her husband. She lived with Hank. "Okay." She said quietly, "I'll see you later." She hung up the phone without another word, and then left the coffee shop with only a single cup in her hand.

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When she got to work, she immediately whisked Kim into the break room to unload all of the details of her thoughts all night and her conversation with Jay this morning. On her drive over to the precinct, she had decided it would be best to hold off on the conversation with Jay, but she wanted confirmation from her best friend first.

"I think that's a good idea. Just put off the conversation until Soph is feeling better," Kim agreed. "There's no rush, right?"

"Right." Erin smiled, relieved to have Kim agree with her.

"There is one matter that is a little more time sensitive." Kim had been waiting to broach the subject for a few days now, almost bringing it up several times but losing her nerve. She meant to ask Erin last night, but she hadn't gotten an opening.

"What is it?" Erin looked at her friend, concern washing over her face. Kim was shifting uncomfortably in the chair in the kitchen, which seemed unlike her. Kim was bold and confident, and she certainly didn't scare easily at work, even as the most junior member of the team.

"So I know you know this, but uh... Adam and I... we're engaged." Whenever Kim was around Erin, she subtly tried to hide the diamond ring that rested on her left ring finger. Erin was always playing with the empty spot on her ring finger, and hadn't donned her rings since the accident. Kim wasn't sure why, and she had tried to avoid flaunting her shiny square cut diamond.

"Yeah?" Erin had long since picked up on Kim's not so subtle hiding of her ring finger, but she hadn't said anything. Hank had informed Erin while she was still in the hospital that Jay had removed Erin's rings for safe keeping during her surgery, and she hadn't asked Jay about them since. But her discontentment with that situation had nothing to do with her happiness for Kim. She and Adam seemed great together, and she wished Kim didn't feel the need to hide her happiness.

"Our wedding is next month, and I was hoping you would be my maid of honor." Kim asked sheepishly. "You can say no if it's too much." She added quickly after a second.

Erin ignored Kim's last rushed sentence, and instead jumped out of chair and lifted Kim into a hug. "I would love to!" She said excitedly.

"You're sure?" Kim said, disbelieving. For some reason she hadn't thought Erin would want to participate in the wedding. They're friendship was in it's infancy... at least to Erin. And that wasn't even taking into consideration the fact that focusing on someone else's marriage when yours was not going well couldn't have been pleasant.

Erin smiled at her. She loved Kim for being concerned. From the first day Erin met Kim, Kim had promised her a no strings attached, no pressure, no expectations friendship, and she knew Kim was worried about the implications of her question. But Kim was Erin's closest friend, and she was thrilled! "Yes! Of course I'm sure." She sat back down, eager to hear details of Kim's wedding and began asking her questions. "Oh wait." She said, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I have nothing to wear! We have to go shopping!"

Kim laughed at her friend. "Well, the dress you picked out 6 months ago is hanging in my closet, right next to Sophie's flower girl dress. We can shop for a new one if you want, but the one you picked is absolutely stunning." As the words left Kim's mouth, she realized it may not have been the right thing to say. She hadn't previously mentioned Sophie being a flower girl, and she certainly didn't want to remind Erin of more things she didn't remember.

It didn't bother Erin, though. In fact, she was pleasantly surprised - happy even - when the idea of wearing a dress she had picked out months ago didn't seem to bother her. And she couldn't wait to see her little girl walk down the aisle in a flower girl dress.

She was so grateful for her relationship with Kim - it felt so normal. "Let's hope I still fit into it." Erin joked, putting her arm around her friend.

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During her lunch break, Erin finally worked up the nerve to call Jay. Again, she avoided staring too closely at the photo that popped up when the call connected on her iPhone.

"Hey Erin," Jay's voice came over the phone, and he sounded even more exhausted than he had this morning. "What's up?" His voice had a little bit of an edge to it, like he was irritated that she was calling.

"Oh nothing," Does something need to be up for me to call my husband? She thought bitterly. "I just had a minute, and I wanted to see how Sophie is doing." She knew he had wanted to set boundaries, but her daughter was sick and she was worried.

"She threw up at the pediatrician's office and twice more at home, but she is sleeping now." He had heard the irritation coming from his voice, and he tried to soften it. "I was just trying to get some rest myself," he said, by way of explanation for his behavior.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," she replied quickly. Now she felt bad. "Get some rest, I'll see you both later."

He could tell she was embarrassed by her call. He hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable. God, he hated how sensitive she was around him. He was her husband, she didn't have to apologize profusely for calling him and waking him up. She hadn't apologized this sincerely when she sent him to get her food at 3 am when she was pregnant! Now that was waking him up. "Thanks, Er." He hoped using her nickname would make her realize it was not a big deal. "Goodnight." He hung up and closed his eyes, burying his face in the blanket. The exhaustion took over and he fell right back to sleep.

He woke up several hours later to a text message from Erin.

"I was thinking you should take a break and go out for a beer or something tonight. I'm sure it's been a long day." He read the message three times, trying to figure out what to make of it. He was going back and forth.

The message could mean 'I'm being a super thoughtful wife, when I spoke to you you sounded exhausted, go have a beer and relax with friends. I can take care of our daughter, no problem.'

Or, the message could be saying, 'You were an ass hole and said you wanted to set boundaries, then you didn't ask me to come with you to the doctor, then you were a jerk on the phone, and I would rather spend time with my daughter alone.'

He was guessing it was the second one.

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In truth, Erin had offered Jay the night off for neither of those reasons, instead she had two of her own. The first one - because that is how Hank and Camille did things when she was growing up. She had been old enough to stay home alone when she was sick, but after her car accident when she had been home recuperating, Hank and Camille took turns staying home with her. Erin, who had been avoiding taking any pain medications other than Advil and Tylenol for fear of becoming addicted, was a lot to handle during the day... to say the least. If Camille spent the day with her, the minute Hank got home from work, he would send her out with the girls to give her some time away. Camille had always protested, saying Hank had worked all day and he deserved to relax too. But Hank would insist, saying that at least his work had gotten him out of the house. And the second reason - after her conversation with Kim, she thought it would be best to avoid a serious conversation that might be interrupted at any moment by a vomiting two year old.

With permission from Hank, she left work early and went straight to the grocery store. She and Jay had been eating a lot of take out, and she thought it might be nice for him to have a home cooked meal. She made lasagna and tomato soup, which along with being comfort food was also Jay's favorite meal, according to Hank.

She placed tin foil on top of the lasagna, but the soup was too hot to place in the plastic storage containers Hank had at the house. She had tried to allow it to cool, but after 30 minutes it was still hot enough to melt the plastic, so instead she opted to bring the entire pot. She taped the lip on top, and with a little maneuvering, she strapped it into the front seat of her car, as if it was a passenger.

She arrived a little before 7, almost an hour later than their usual dinner time. The soup pot had held her up, plus she had driven slowly, concerned about the soup spilling if she had to break too quickly.

She was greeted at the door by Jay, who was dressed in dark jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt and was sliding on his leather jacket. He stopped, his jacket only half on, and he stared at Erin, who was balancing a large soup pot against one side of her body and what looked like a lasagna in the other. "You made dinner?" He was surprised, not to mention confused. Hadn't she told him to make plans?

"Yeah," she said, pushing past him into the kitchen where she turned the oven on to preheat and rested the soup pot on top of the stove. "I figured we could still eat with Sophie before you head out." She tried to keep her voice casual, she had noticed he was already getting ready to leave when she walked in. "But if you made dinner plans, Sophie and I can eat and you can eat the leftovers tomorrow." She hoped the disappointment wasn't evident in her voice. She had made his favorite food, after all.

"Sophie is asleep." And I ate already, because it's 7:00. "I'm hoping she is down for the night." He turned to put his coat back on the hook. "I'd be happy to sit with you and keep you company while you eat. I can just text Antonio and let him know I will be a little late."

"No, no. That's okay." She turned the stove on to heat the soup, knowing it wouldn't need long to reheat. "Have fun. Tell Antonio I say hi." She had heard of Antonio when she was a patrol officer, and she had seen him and his wife Sylvie several times in the recent weeks. She liked them. And she knew he and Jay were close from the years they worked together in Intelligence before Antonio left to work for the district attorney's office.

He knew that she was busying herself in the kitchen to avoid looking at him. Things had been tense since the other night, and they hadn't really been alone since she had run out. "Okay, I will." He said, turning and walking back into the hallway to put on his coat for a second time. Part of him wanted to stay and sit with her, hear about her day and just talk. But he didn't think she would want that - she had planned for dinner with Jay and Sophie, not just Jay. "See you later," he said, and he walked out of the house, closing the door gently behind him.

Erin made herself a plate in the kitchen and brought it into the living room to eat in front of the TV. She grabbed herself a beer, hoping it would calm her. She felt unsettled being in the house alone. Sophie was there - but she was sleeping and that didn't really count.

She finished her meal in front of the game, and then returned to the kitchen to clear her plate and put the leftovers in the fridge. She pulled a second beer out of the fridge, and took a long sip. She let the alcohol flowing through her veins give her the courage to do what she had wanted to do since she walked in over an hour ago.

She slowly walked up the stairs, feeling even more unsettled then before. She saw the closed door - the one she knew was Jay's bedroom. She lifted her hand and touched the doorknob, but instead of turning it, she retreated a half a step back.

Let me just check on Sophie first, she thought. She walked over to Sophie's room - her favorite room in the house, the one she had been in almost every day since she woke up in the hospital. She tiptoed inside, trying her best to stay quiet. She looked down at her daughter, sleeping peacefully. Her blonde curls were cascading down the pillow, and her hands were wrapped around her favorite stuffed bear. She had completely kicked off the pink comforter, and it laid crumpled at the foot of the bed. She took the blanket and straightened it out, tucking it comfortably around her sleeping daughter. She leaned down and kissed her daughter lightly on the forehead, and was relieved that Sophie didn't feel warm. She touched her fingers gingerly to Sophie's cheek, and allowed her sleeping daughter to give her the courage to visit the room next door.

She turned and walked out of Sophie's room, closing the door quietly. Without allowing herself time to give it a second thought, she turned the knob to Jay's bedroom and walked in. She found the light switch on the wall and flipped on the light.

Her breath caught in her throat. Her heart beat quickened as a multitude of memories washed over her.

Sitting by Camille's bedside, tearfully saying her goodbyes to the only mother she ever knew.

Hugging Justin and holding hands with Hank at the cemetery.

Visiting Hank at Statesville prison.

Joining Hank's unit.

Meeting Jay Halstead for the first time.

Julia being killed, telling Julia's husband.

Justin getting out of jail.

"I don't think it's so much I'm a cop, as much as Justin thinks I'm your boyfriend."

"You wish."

"No, you wish."

...

Her mother coming back into her life.

Her mother's wedding.

...

"You're my family."

"You're about the best thing that ever happened to me. And I mean that."

...

Finding Teddy.

...

"You know, it's not like it's the last time I'm gonna put on a vest."

"No, it's just the last time I'm gonna help you get it on right."

...

"You know, we no longer work together. So a lot of the old rules don't apply."

...

"Hank, put the gun down it's me."

"You lose your key?"

"It's been a rough day. I didn't want to get shot, too. Is it too late to get my spot back in Intelligence."

"Welcome back."

"I'm all yours."

"Hey come here."

"Thank you."

"You kidding? You see the faces I gotta look at every morning?"

...

Wisconsin.

Hank finding out about her and Jay.

...

"So we'll cool it. But we'll always have each other's back."

...

"Just because I don't want to lose my job doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"Me too."

...

Nadia moving in with her. Nadia being kidnapped.

Nadia being killed.

Her mother. Landon. The drugs.

Jay being kidnapped.

Moving in with Hank. Getting clean.

...

"That was for never giving up on me."

"What was that for?"

"That was because I wanted to kiss you."

...

Justin's death.

Hank falling apart.

Moving the body.

...

"Cases come and go. Bosses come and go. I don't want you to come and go."

...

"You saved my life. I would've been dead at 15 if you hadn't taken me in. There's no doubt in my mind about that. And I've always looked forward to savings yours."

"You're all I have left now."

...

"Jay, I'm completely in love with you."

...

"By the way. I love you, too."

...

And then the last memory that came, one from almost four years before...

"Jay, where are we going?" Erin asked for the tenth time in the past five minutes. Jay had shoved Erin into the car after a lazy Saturday breakfast in their apartment, telling her he had a surprise for her. He had even insisted on driving.

"Here." He said, finally. He pulled over to the curb and put the car in park. "We're here."

Erin looked at the brick house with a wrap-around porch, large windows, and a deep green door. It was two stories, and had a beautiful, large front and side yard. "Wh-what are we doing here?" She stuttered, surprised at the unsteadiness in her voice. She and Jay had been living together for a year now, and he had never mentioned wanting to move. And certainly, not to a house. Could they even afford a house?

He got out of the car and quickly walked over to her side of the car, opening it and guiding her down the walkway to the front of the house. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in May, and the yard was green and perfectly cut. "Come inside and see."

They walked up to the front door, and Jay punched in the code to the lockbox that was hanging from the door knob. He retrieved the key, and began to slowly unlock the door. He tried to hide the fact that his hands were shaking. "The kitchen would need to be redone," he said, as he walked through the foyer and down the hallway to the kitchen. "But just wait until you see the rest of the house. It's perfect." He shoved his hands in his pockets, they were still shaking uncontrollably.

They walked into the living room and she stared in awe at the large fire place and the beautiful wooden mantel above it. The room was large and the crown moldings made it feel fancy and homey at the same time. "Jay, it's beautiful," she said, a little breathlessly. "But can we afford this?"

He took her hand in his, feeling a little more steady, "When my mom died, she left me some money. This is what she wanted me to spend it on." He smiled at the thought of his mother. She would have loved this house. And she would have loved Erin. "Come on, let's look upstairs."

As he led her up the stairs, he could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. Relax, he thought, trying and failing to calm himself.

He showed her the three bedrooms and the bathroom, and then led her to the final door. "This is the master bedroom," he said, by way of introduction.

She gasped as he opened the door. The room was covered in hundreds of colorful daisies and white candles lined a walkway to the center of the room.

Jay grabbed Erin's hand and walked with her to the center of the room, his heart beat hadn't slowed. Releasing her hands, he reached into his pocket and removed a red velvet box. He bent down to one knee and opened it, to reveal a two carat brilliant round diamond with small diamonds lining a platinum band. It had been his mother's. "Erin Lindsay," he began.

Tears streamed down her face as she listened to the love of her life deliver the most precious words she had ever heard. "I think I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. And since then, we've been through it all. You and me. The better and the worse, we've stood together, stronger than either one of us could ever be alone. I have loved you through all of it. And I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."

He looked up into the hazel eyes of his beautiful girl, and smiled as he saw tears streaming down her face. A tear of his own fell as he continued, "You make me happier than I ever thought possible, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Will you marry me?"

"Yes," she cried, her voice steady through her tears. "Yes! Of course I will."

He stood and wrapped her in his arms, and they shared the first of many kisses in their new home.

xo

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