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Happy Holidays!

Chapter 14,

Erin stood in the doorway unable to move. At first she was unable to breath as she stared into the room. Then as she recognized the painting on the wall, the one Camille had bought her to hang in her old apartment, she began hyperventilating. Her mind had been overloaded, and her body felt heavy, as if the memories were a physical burden. It was as if the memories were being unloaded like books stacking on her head and shoulders. It took her several minutes to steady herself and for her breathing to become more regular.

Even as her breathing calmed, she held onto the wall for support. She was sure if she let go, her feet would give out and her body would collapse on to the beige carpet that lined the floor.

Still unable to move her legs, she pulled her cell phone out from her back pocket. She dialed the third number in the favorites section of her iPhone, the name that came after Jay and Hank. She rested the phone against her ear, and the warmth of her phone touching her face grounding her, reminding her that this was real. She wasn't dreaming. She remembered every minute of her life, up until the day Jay proposed. The last thing she could recall was her quick answer, her ample tears, and the overwhelming feeling of joy and love that had come over her.

She was overwhelmed now, too. Overwhelmed with happiness, or fear, or relief, or love - she didn't know which one. Maybe all.

Finally she heard a voice greet her on the other end of the phone. "Kim, I need you. Can you come over?"

"I'll be right there." Kim responded, quickly hanging up the phone. Erin glanced at the time, it was 8:45 pm. Kim was probably home enjoying a quiet evening with Ruzek. She knew she should feel guilty... but she didn't. On that first day back at work, Kim had promised she was only a phone call away. Even then, Erin knew that she had meant it. But she hadn't guessed she would actually take her up on her generous offer.

Twenty minutes later, she heard a frantic knock at the door. It was only then that she realized she had been standing in the same place, frozen in the doorway, losing time. A second knock finally forced her to move, and she quickly turned off the light and closed the door to Jay's bedroom.Our bedroom,she corrected as she walked slowly down the stairs to greet Kim.

She opened the front door to the house, and immediately ushered Kim in and thanked her for coming. "Of course I came. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

At that moment, Erin noticed that Kim was wearing pajama pants and Ugg boots. She had meant it literally when she said she wouldbe right there. The sight of Kim standing in a winter coat and pajamas gave Erin the urge to hug her.

Kim held her tight, and waited for Erin to speak.

The warmth of her friend, both emotionally and physically, gave Erin courage. "Jay went out with Antonio, and I kind of took the opportunity to sneak around a little." As she spoke the words, she found herself feeling embarrassed. She wanted to tell her friend she had recovered years of memories, but she knew she needed to give her some background. If she didn't offer it, Kim would pepper her with questions until she got everything out of her anyway. "I went to peek into his bedroom and-"

"Wait." Kim, who had planned to stand quietly in the kitchen and listen to her friend without interruption, couldn't help when the word shot out of her mouth. "It's your bedroom, too. All this time and you haven't been in there?" She paused for a second, momentarily dumbfounded. "How did you get your clothes?"

That would be her question. "Jay packed a few bags for me. He did it before I even had the chance to think about clothes. And I kind of took it as a sign he didn't want me in there." At this admission, she shifted uncomfortably, feeling even more embarrassed. "I don't know," she added, because she honestly didn't know what his intention was. Maybe he was just trying to be helpful.

Kim didn't answer, and instead signaled for Erin to continue with her original story and to pardon the interruption. "Anyway," she sighed heavily, finally ready to unload her news. "I walked in to the room and all of a sudden, everything started flooding back to me. I can't even explain it. One second I am standing there with no knowledge of the last ten years of my life, and the next second I remember every minor detail. Up until the day Jay proposed, and then it stopped."

Kim touched Erin's shoulder in a gesture of comfort, understanding immediately. "Because he proposed in that room."

Erin nodded, she knew Kim would understand.

Kim thought for a moment and then spoke. "Maybe it was seeing the room for the first time," Kim guessed, moving to sit down on a barstool. "Walking in with all of that anticipation... that is probably how you felt four years ago when you first walked through that door."

Erin hadn't considered that. "That makes sense." She said after a few beats of silence. She stood across Kim, leaning against the kitchen island, not ready to sit down.

"So, what now?" Kim asked. She wanted to suggest Erin tell Jay, but she didn't want to overstep.

"Well, that's why I asked you to come over." Erin smiled for the first time since she opened the door into her past. "I was hoping you could watch Sophie for me."

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Jay sat on a stool at Molly's nursing his scotch. He was already two drinks in, and he knew he needed to slow down if he was going to be able to drive home in an hour or two. It just felt good to be out of the house, to be out of his normal routine - a routine that felt anything but normal lately.

"So, are we done talking about the cubs?" Antonio was seated across from him. He wasn't driving, so he was on drink number four. "Because I think it's time for you to tell me what we're really doing here."

"What do you mean?" He answered, even though he knew exactly what Antonio meant. When Antonio raised his eyebrows at Jay and gestured for him to continue, Jay stayed silent, still not ready to start talking.

"Come on, Jay." Antonio finally broke the silence, placing his drink down and smacking the table for emphasis. "You and Erin. I know I'm not in Intelligence anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't hear things. How are things going?"

"What have you heard?" Jay responded, still avoiding his question.

"Nothing." Antonio chastised himself, he shouldn't have given Jay the opening. "I'm just concerned for a friend. Come on, spill." He chuckled at his word choice and smiled to himself.Come on, spill was something his wife commonly said to him when he was having a bad day and needed to unload on her. He was so lucky he found Sylvie.

"It's just..." Jay searched for the right words, before he continued. Something he was doing a lot lately. "I love Erin, I always have. She is the love of my life. I fought for a chance with her, and it was the most worthwhile thing I've ever done in my life. We went through so much in those first years, between Hank, Bunny, Nadia, her dad coming back into her life - we went through more than most couples do in a lifetime. Then I asked her to marry me - which was another one of the best decisions I have ever made. Then we got pregnant, and when Erin called me to tell me she was bleeding and Sophie came early... that was the scariest day of my life."

"I know."

"And then after weeks at the hospital, we brought home our beautiful baby. We built a life together, we have a history."

"I know."

"But ever since Erin has gotten home from the hospital-"

"It can't be easy for you. And you can't be so hard on yourself. It's natural for you to feel differently about her - she's different." Antonio couldn't imagine how difficult this was for his friend, but he hoped that his words would give him some comfort.

"But that's just it, Antonio." He gulped down his drink.So much for taking it slow tonight. "I love Erin. That version, this version. Every version of her. And I don't care if she never gets another memory. I just want to be with her again." He smiled wistfully, looking away from Antonio. He was surprised by how easily the words flowed out of him, he hadn't realized how much he needed to say all of that.

Antonio watched his friend. He was smiling, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He looked sad. "I don't think I understand the problem."

Jay could feel the alcohol reaching his head, and it felt heavy and light at the same time. "The problem is that I'm not sure Erin feels the same way," he sighed, feeling surprisingly relieved as he finally released the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for weeks. He was in love with Erin, plain and simple. But he couldn't be sure that she felt the same way. "All that stuff I was talking about earlier - everything Erin and I went through in the early years - if Nadia hadn't died..." his voice faltered at the mention of Nadia's name. Thinking of Nadia had always been extremely difficult for him. Her life was stopped short, in a brutal and tragic way. and he and Erin missed Nadia deeply. But if not for Nadia, if not for Erin going off the rails, he and Erin may never have happened. Hank would have never given them permission to be together, she never would have let him in and allowed him to support her in her grief. So, he never knew how to feel when he thought about Nadia. Because feeling grateful felt wrong, but he could never find another, more suitable word.

"If Nadia hadn't died, you would still be together." Antonio finished his friends train of thought, secure that Jay and Erin would be together, without a shadow of a doubt.

"Sure, maybe. But when that happened... Erin really let me in. And even more so after Justin." Jay remembered how close they had grown during those days when Erin had distanced herself from Hank, before she and Hank had resolved everything. "I just mean that even if Erin is attracted to me and she likes flirting with me at work, even if she wants to date me..." He exaggerated the worddate, even as he realized how absurd the idea was. "In Erin's mind, I'm new. I'm a stranger. I'm a guy she met a little over a month ago, that she could probably just take or leave." His shoulders slumped, and he looked down at his empty glass, wishing it wasn't empty.

"That's not true, man." This time Antonio felt less secure in his statement. Jay's logic made a lot of sense. He had worked at intelligence then, he remembered how much Erin had leaned on Jay during those hard times. It had given then an impenetrable bond.

Jay sighed heavily, rolling his empty glass around in his hands. "And after the new and exciting wears off, if she does decide she wants to 'break up' with me," He gestured his hands as he spoke the ridiculous words, "I'll have to be okay with it. Because to her I'm just some guy."

"Some guy she has a daughter with," Antonio corrected.

"Yeah, and sometimes I think that makes it worse. We will be in each other's lives forever because of Sophie. And if I have to watch her date other guys, or even marry someone else..." The idea shook him to his core, and he felt tears coming to his eyes.Jesus, I need another drink.As if understanding his thoughts, Antonio silently slid the remainder of his drink to Jay's side of the table. Jay took a long sip of the drink, sitting silently for several moments before he whispered, "I know this is terrible, and I recognize that I am the worst person for saying this. But if that happened... if she started... if she married... I just..." He lost his breath, not able to find the words. He finished the drink in one large gulp. "Then, it might have been easier if she had just died." He regretted the words the minute they left his mouth. He hadn't actually meant it literally, but hearing the words out loud, he realized how deeply he didn't meant. He was so grateful Erin was alive and well.

He heard her before he saw her. He heard her sharp intake of breath. Even without words he recognized her sounds. He looked up and saw Antonio looking past him, his eyes wide and full of fear.

He hoped he was imagining her sound, her scent. He couldn't turn around. He couldn't face her. He hoped she hadn't heard his awful words. The words he hadn't meant.

When he did turn, he knew right away she had heard them. She looked so broken, so unbelievably hurt. Tears streamed down her beautiful face, her arms were wrapped tightly around her waste, as if she was hugging herself.

He stood from the stool, immediately reaching for her. She stepped back and avoided his touch, but her tearful, hazel eyes stayed glued on his. "So I guess when you said we had been through better or worse, when you said you loved me through all of it, when you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you... I guess you were full of shit?" Her voiced was dripping with disdain, and when she finally finished her speech she broke eye contact and ran out of the door.

He stood and watched her leave, stunned at her words. After a few moments he ran after her, finally catching up to her when she reached her car. He was out of breath, and not just from chasing her out of Molly's. "You remember the day I proposed to you?" His voice was unsteady and soft, his eyes were brimming with tears. He wanted to reach out and touch her face, but the look on her face stopped him. Before she had looked hurt, but now she looked angry.

"God. That's all you care about it, isn't it? Me recovering my memories so you can have your wife back. You don't care that I've been here, I've been here fighting for you, fighting for us this whole time. Well, screw you, Jay. Screw you."

xxx

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