A/N: Sorry 'bout that bit of a cliff hanger on the last chapter, I'll let you jump into it but not before I-

disclaimer! Cassandra Clare obviously owns everything to do with the mortal instruments and I am not trying to steal anything, I just enjoy playing around with the world and characters she's created. thank.

I wake up to the sound of water running through a facet, curled up on a couch. It takes me a minute to remember where I am, and the crazy of the day before. And then grief hits like a wall of fire. Jonathan killed himself right in front of me, now I'm stuck in the dammed basement of the Gard with my mom, the father that fed me angel blood before I was born, and my boyfriend who also fell victim to my father.

And I'm still wearing the clothes I've been wearing for the past two days.

Fantastic.

I get up, leaving Jace asleep on the other side of the couch. I look around me, trying to decide what to do about my situation first. There's not much to look at. I glance at the clock on the wall. I know the trial is today, but I've no idea what time.

After standing there for a minute, I notice two duffel bags just inside the door. I go over to one and open it up to find a note inside with Clary written on the top. I open up the letter.

Clary,

you have no idea how sorry I am. I didn't realize they'd be listening. Your parents know everything, if you haven't figured that out yet. Here's your clothes and stuff. I threw in one of my white dresses, because I noticed you had one but it seemed pretty old. I thought you might want to wear it.

Iz

Leave it to Iz to think of my fashion choices, but I'm glad she did. The mourning outfit I have is from when Jace's parents died, and much too small now.

I pull out the dress. Isabelle definitely picked one from her wardrobe that would best suit me, but it's still definitely not something I'd typically wear.

The dress is loose and fits like a long t-shirt, falling just above my knees. The back, however, is low enough to show my shoulder blades. Not really my thing.

I turn when I hear the bathroom door opens, Maryse comes out and smiles at me. "That's nice," she nods at the dress I'm still holding up.

"Oh…" I look back at the dress. "I wasn't sure if I should-"

"You should," she interrupts. "He was your brother. The rest of us will be wearing white, anyways."

"Okay," I nod, feeling weird. "Okay."

She goes to walk away but stops and comes up to me instead. "You should talk to them; Jocelyn, at least. They want to talk to you."

I sigh. "I don't know how… I don't know if I'll care about what they have to say."

"No parent wants their child to hate them… but I think ignoring them might be worse. You're all they've got now."

Looking at her eyes, they're… sad. I remember what Isabelle told me, about her mother's miscarriage. "To be honest, I don't think they ever really had Jonathan."

"I'm sorry, Clary," Maryse says. "I'm sorry this got put on all you kids. We never meant-"

"Can I ask you something?"

Maryse nods.

"Isabelle… she mentioned something - I forget how long ago now, a week? She said that you…" I lower my voice a bit. "She said you had a miscarriage after…" I trail off, not knowing what to say.

She smiles sadly. "Don't worry yourself, Clary." She gives me a hug. "You shouldn't have to worry about anyone but yourself."

"Thank you."

Maryse pulls away. "Always."

She leaves into the room they all sleep in, and I go to sit on the couch beside a still sleeping Jace. I touch his calf. "Jace."

He groans, half asleep.

"C'mon Jace, we should get ready."

He rolls onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow. I ignore the part of my head that thinks of his raspy voice, his shirt twisted to reveal his abs, his sexy, messed-up hair. "Maybe tomorrow."

I get down off the couch and sit on the floor, making our heads level. "It's today, unfortunately."

He moves his head from the pillow to look at me, his eyes squinting against the light. "Do we have to?"

I almost smile. "Yeah, we do… Alec and Iz brought us bags with clothes. There should be something white in there." I hold up the dress Iz sent me as proof.

The playfulness in Jace's eyes fade and I wish I hadn't said anything. I press my lips against his cheek quickly before jumping up and going to change in the bathroom.

I come out, expecting to find Jace in the same position I left him in, instead I find my parents, waiting.

"Clary," my dad says, standing.

Never in my life did I think my dad would have the capacity to hurt anyone, but after seeing what Ithuriel showed us, my body instinctively takes a step back. I can see the hurt in his eyes, when I do and I almost feel bad. Almost. Then I wish Jonathan were here to help, tears prick my eyes. I have to blink them back.

"Please sit, Clary. We just want to talk to you," Mom says, standing too.

I nod, swallowing the saliva that has gone thick in my mouth. I try to remember what Maryse said; I'm all they've got left. When I'm sitting in the chair across from the couch, I have to swallow again. "Okay."

I stare at the hand Mom has on Dad's arm, and I can't tell whether she's holding onto him out of her own comfort, or whether she's trying to comfort him.

"We're sorry, Clary. When we told Jonathan we never thought he would take it the way he did… we didn't know-"

"That's because you weren't around to know," I interrupt Mom. "He never even tried to tell us, he constantly avoided the subject. When all this retrial shit started, we screamed at each other… I screamed at him because I had no idea what I was talking about trying defending you. Did he really know everything?"

They nod. "Everything," Dad says.

"Even this weird angel stuff?"

Dad nods.

I fold my arms across my chest, unfold them, put my palms flat on my knees, hoping no one notices my knuckles going white.

"Clary I-"

"No. No I don't want an explanation. I already know what you're going to say."

"I'm sorry for what I did to you," Dad continues. I blink, but it doesn't help, it only let's the tears escape. I can't listen to this.

"Don't."

"I knew it would make you better, I wanted to make you better, but I'm sorry."

"Stop!" I stand, and Dad finally stops talking. "I can't listen to this. You can't make me listen to this. I refuse."

"Why?" Mom asks.

"Because trying to make me forgive you won't work. You both did horrible things, the whole Circle did. I may not know the whole story but what I do know is you must've gone way too far. Jonathan went into that basement and marked a blade with demonic runes. We couldn't stop him. I watch my brother kill himself and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

"If I do forgive you, I'm not going to live through the trial because we all know there's only one way it will end. I already love you both enough that it'll hurt." Tear flow out of my eyes so that I can't see clearly. "Please don't make me forgive you, too."

My heart pump thunderously in my chest. The hurt of it all makes me feel like my chest might burst open. I can't help the sob that come out when I try to breath. I see a blur of Jace coming towards me, his arms around me, holding me together while I feel like I'm falling apart. After all this it'll just be the four of us, or maybe just Alec and Isabelle. Jace and I will be put away for our own crimes. Crimes we didn't commit.

I wrap my arms around Jace, trying to hold on.

As we walk towards The Clave's meeting room where the trial will begin I know I look like hell. Eyes puffy and red, fingernails chipped, not a bit of makeup on, and my hair clambered up on the top on my head. Jace looks pretty bad, too; bags under his eyes, his mourning clothes not quite fitting right. They let Jace and I walk without binding runes to our wrists. My parents and the Lightwoods wear them as usual.

When we walk in, I spot Isabelle and Alec already to the side of the dais. The Mortal Sword sits horizontally on a gold tripod, waiting. I almost want to bare my teeth and growl at it for all it's done.

Jace and I stop when we're beside Alec and Iz. I reach over without looking and squeeze Isabelle's wrist. Our parents are taken to our left, behind the raised dais. the Clave sits to our right. I decide to stare straight ahead.

Consul Penhallow steps onto the dais. "Today is the retrial of remaining Circle members Maryse Lightwood, Robert Lightwood, Jocelyn Morgenstern, and Valentine Morgenstern. The purpose of this trial is to determine their place in our society… if they have a place." She looks at everyone around the room, then her gaze falls on Aldertree. "Inquisitor, you may begin."

"I believe we should start from the beginning," Aldertree says. "I know you all want to about recent events and… rumours. But we'll get to that. I think that first we should be told all the information from the start. I would like to call Valentine Morgenstern to trial under the Mortal Sword."

Two guards follow behind Dad as he comes up to the dias, stopping in front of the Mortal Sword. The guards are hesitant, but they cross out the binding rune on his wrist and he holds out his hands to take the sword.

I watch as Aldertree asks his questions and Dad replies. I reach over and grip onto Jace's hand as the four of us discover the whole truth for the first time.

Dad started The Circle of Raziel when they were still at the Academy. He was the best at the time, and everyone looked up to him. He never liked the way The Clave ran things, and the rules they had. He wanted to wipe out demons completely, increase the size of the shadowhunter race, get recognition from humans for the work shadowhunters do for them.

So when they graduated the Academy, they went to work. Using illegal portals, letting mundanes see them, and going against The Clave's wishes to have the Academy's best students studying quietly at the London Institute.

That's why they weren't arrested earlier, I think. They were the best. They came from the elite families.

And when Dad's father was killed by a werewolf, they started pinning crimes on downworlders.

"Downworlders are the cousins of demons. We agreed that one step out of line from them would be more than enough reason for execution," Dad said.

The story didn't just come from him, it came from Mom, and the Lightwoods, too. The whole story piecing together from different viewpoints.

And then, the next signing of the Accords came around. The agreement of peace between shadowhunters and downworlders. That's where they were going to plan their attack. That was ten years ago. After they were married with children. But before the Circle to got to do what they planned, the Clave took action.

That's why there's only four remaining members. Some members of The Clave fought so hard against their arrest they were killed, or killed themselves before the first trial ever came.

I find out other little pieces, too. Mom's parents killed in a fire after a group of Circle protesters rioted outside the Fairchild family manor. The werewolf that killed Dad's father was also a protester of the Circle.

Maryse publicly admits that she was with child on that night ten years ago. And her and Robert both admit they had planned to back out of the Circle that very night to protect their children. They weren't going to take part in the attack.

And it's all true, because the Mortal Sword pulls it out of them.

Maryse is the last to tell the story. And when she's taken back behind the dais, binding runes back on her wrists. Aldertree isn't finished. We haven't gotten to the part where Jace and I come in.

For a second, it seems like it'll all be left there. Everyone starts shuffling, murmuring, getting ready to ask further questions. Consul Penhallow steps up with Aldertree and holds up a hand, getting everyone's attention.

When all is silent, she lowers her hand. "Recent events have caused us to further this trial. The suicide of Jonathan Morgenstern has opened up new information we did not know existed ten years ago."

"Clarissa Morgenstern," Aldertree says, looking at me. My hands tighten on Jace and Isabelle's but I let nothing show on my face. "As a victim, you are to tell us under the Mortal Sword."

I let go of Jace and Isabelle's hands and walk up onto the dais. My mind spins with memories of being under the sword the first time. But I was just seven, and seven year-olds aren't actually supposed to be under the sword. This time should be different. I mask all my features as I walk up and the Mortal Sword is put in my hands. I focus all my energy on telling the truth, I suspect that will make the weight hurt less.

It doesn't. The weight still bears on my mind enough to make me want to scream and cry, but I stay standing straight, head and eyes forward, no noticeable expression on my face.

"Your brother, Jonathan Morgenstern, disappeared after we announced a re-trial for your parent's crimes. Do you know why?"

I start to shake my head but it's not good enough for the Mortal Sword, it pulls at my brain and forces out the truth. "He told me he knew too much, that I didn't understand what happened that day; when I tried to defend our parents without knowing anything that happened. We fought and he ran away."

"Where did Jonathan go when he left?"

I grind my teeth together because my family manor burned down and everyone in the room knows exactly where Jonathan went. "To the Morgenstern Manor."

"Tell us what happened there."

The pain on my mind grows the most uncomfortable I've ever felt. The same pain when I was a kid, maybe worse. My plan was to remain cold, like nothing being asked effected me, but it fails as Aldertree asks this question. Too much, I want to answer. Too much happened at the manor and now the Mortal Sword is trying to pull it all out of me at once.

I squeeze my eyes shut and they sting with tears; when my eyes open the liquid will fall so I keep them shut. I realize it's not the Mortal Sword pulling on my words, but my grief spilling over.

"When we got there, we found a charm on the house keeping it standing, and when we stepped inside it seemed like Jonathan wasn't there." I try my hardest to keep my voice from shaking, but it doesn't work. "He was in a hidden basement, we found the entrance behind a bookshelf I unlocked with a rune. We found him down there with a blade covered in demonic runes. The ones on the walls in the small room matched. That's what he killed himself with."

I force myself to take a breath because all the information spews out of me and I feel like I can't stop, like I can't breathe. The oxygen burns in my lungs before my vocal chords betray me. I open my eyes but don't dare to pay attention to anyone around me. I keep my voice even and hard but let my eyes water. "He burst into flames right away and the charm over the house didn't keep it from burning down too. When the flames disappeared the angel Ithuriel sat in it's place. He got into our heads and showed us how he got there. My father called him and trapped him-"

My composure cracks. My voice comes out strangled and raw, I want to drop the sword but it stays glued to my hands. From the corner of my eyes, I watch Jace; his hands clenched, his eyes daggers. "He tortured Ithuriel and bled out his veins and fed the blood to Jace and I when we were in our mother's wombs."

Suddenly voices breakout among the room, I can't even tell what people are saying, all I know is the Mortal Sword in my hands.

Consul Penhallow stands and gestures to Aldertree who finally removes the sword from my hands. I collapse to the floor in relief and press my palms against the cold floor.

"I believe we all need a break," Penhallow announces, and the room clears out around us.

Jace is at my side, his hand on my back. "You're okay," he whispers.

I nod, my eyes still on the floor.

"The hell kind of question was that?!" He asks Aldertree. "You knew that was way too much!"

"Jace, don't." I look up to see Alec hovering above us.

"I asked what we needed to know," Aldertree says. "That was all."

Alec scoffs.

I stand, facing Jace and he keeps a hand pressed against the small of my back. I realize my cheeks are wet and reach up to wipe underneath my eyes. "I'm okay," I finally respond to Jace.

"By the Angel," Iz says. "How are we supposed to defend them after this?"

"We don't," I respond. "Jonathan was right. At least about my parents. It doesn't seem like yours had a lot of say…"

"I still can't believe this."

"There's just no way any of us would have expected something like this," Alec whispers, conscious of the fact our parents stand less than ten feet away. "It might take too long to believe."

I tune out the conversation to watch my father from the corner of my eye. I watch his eyes. He doesn't look sorry, he looks more angry than anything, possibly sad. I try to find something I could say to him, but everything I think of ends up being too cruel. Something that I could never say to him. Despite all the hate in my veins, he's still my father.

I think back to my fight with Jonathan, the one that spun my life into chaos. The one that ended in his death. We fought about whether we should still love our parents.

Jonathan and I, despite being siblings, were always two very different people. Jonathan was the kind to be angry, the kind to hold grudges, but also the one to protect the people he loves with everything he has. I like to think he hated loving our parents after what they did.

I accept that I still love them after everything they did. They raised us with more love than a child could hope for. They were always patient and kind, and made Jonathan and I apologize to each other every time we fought…

As much as I want to say something I could regret to my parents, we're all still feeling the loss of Jonathan. I still watch the Morgenstern Manor burning down in front of me.

Eyes continue to watch me. The eyes of my friends, my family. The fire inside me is more dull than ever, and I know they can tell, even if I were trying to hide it.

I keep my side pressed against Jace when Consul Penhallow tells us were getting started again. The four of us line up along the dais as we did before, our parents remain to the right. And The Clave pours into the room again.

Jace is up next for the Mortal Sword and I try to silently break it to him that I won't be able to watch him break as long as he watched me. I won't. I can't.

As Consul Penhallow speaks, I don't listen, but I can tell she's about to call up Jace. He puts his arm around me and kisses my temple.

"I know you've got a little fight left," he whispers, and then walks up to the Mortal Sword.

A/N: Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it don't forget to leave me a little review and add this to your follow list so you know when I update next!