A/N - buckle up, kids! It's a long one!
Disclaimer: CC owns the shadowhunter universe. duh.
After eating, we go to change for the long, coming day. Alec and Iz hadn't said much about it at breakfast, but I know they'd be devastated if Maryse and Robert met the same fate as mine or Jace's parents. I would be devastated. We would have nowhere to go from there.
Our mourning clothes don't stand out as we make our way to the trial. Instead, Alicante is a sea of white. A whole wave of people mourning those they lost in battle. I'm positive some are mourning an entire family lost, like I am. The stares are a little different, filled with pity and despair rather than loathe. I'm not sure which I'd prefer, though I'd prefer none at all.
Consul Penhallow stands at the entrance on the Gard, greeting the Clave members coming in for the Lightwood trial. Shaking hands, kissing cheeks, giving condolences for all the lives lost. Her eyes wander, however, not entirely focusing on those she is talking to. When she spots us, waiting our turn to step into the Gard, she stops wandering and instead concentrates on the people waiting to get into the Gard before us.
"Thank the Angel you're early, go up to my office and wait there, there's thing you need to know before we proceed today." She talks in a low voice, so those behind, and those lingering in front of us will not be able to understand the conversation. We all nod, and thank her as if she's giving us condolences as well.
"What do you think this is about?" I ask as we ascend the staircase and are out of earshot to other shadowhunters.
Jace shrugs. "No idea."
"I'd guess they don't want us there during the trial," Iz suggests.
"That's ridiculous! Consul Penhallow said we're part of the Clave now, 'for our efforts'," I mimic the way the Consul said it to me. "They can't deny us being in there."
"I don't think she'd deny just you and Iz, Clary," Alec says. "The Clave wouldn't want any of the four of us there for obvious reasons. In mundane culture they bring in people that aren't involved in the case to make the decisions. They call it the jury. If none of the people have any connection to the case or it's events then it's unbiased. If you consider the Clave to be the jury… then we couldn't be a part of it."
"Because we're biased," Jace says.
"Exactly."
"That's a load of bullshit."
"Didn't say it wasn't."
We make it to the Consul's office and leave the door open behind us. A few minutes later, Consul Penhallow comes rushing in, shutting the door behind her.
"I think you need to be prepared for a few things before you go in there," she tells us.
"You're letting us be there?"
"Of course, you're all part of the Clave now."
We let her leave it there, not wanting to give away any idea of why we shouldn't be there.
"Okay," Alec says. "So what is it?"
"I think you all need to know how angry everyone is that all this happened. Despite the fact that it was the Clave's decision to keep your parents locked up for so long, they're angry we didn't do something sooner. The point is that everyone is influenced somehow, and now they have to no reason to be influenced, so they're going back on their word. Know that when we choose a new Inquisitor today, the decision has already been made. It's your choice as to whether you want to fight but-"
"You wouldn't recommend going against the majority," I finish for her. I know exactly where this is going and I don't like it.
"No," she replies. Penhallow pauses before continuing. "As for the trial. The Lightwoods are a very old family, most of the Clave feels sympathy, especially after all that's played out."
"They never seemed to have sympathy before," Iz says.
"Like I said, there's less influence," she lowers her voice, "now that Aldertree is no longer Inquisitor."
"So who's the next Inquisitor?" Jace asks.
"Whoever has the most influence," she says, meeting our gazes, but stays on mine. "Clary, be prepared to say a few things about Valentine." Then she exits the room, leaving the door open behind her.
We make our way back downstairs, the entrance of the Gard is still full of people, so we're not late.
John Carstairs stands a few feet from the entrance of the big meeting room, shaking people's hands and chatting with other members of the Clave. He catches us about to go into the room and waves us over, everyone around him dissipates. I almost feel bad for him; now that he's associating himself with us, he'll definitely loose. Our parents had talked about him before, telling us what a good Clave member he is. He obviously wasn't part of the Circle, but our parents trusted him. He helped us out over the years, too, when we were left on our own he and his now wife always came by to help us with school work, training, cooking meals.
I reach John first and he hugs me. "I'm so sorry about what you've been through," he pulls away, shaking Alec and Jace's hands, hugging Iz. "All of you, it's not fair for you."
"Thanks John," Alec says, sincerity in his voice.
"We've kinda all been talking, we know it's important to keep the four of you safe. It's the least we could do for all that you've done! You've all had a rough time."
"How-" Jace starts.
John interrupts him. "The Clave goes way outside just meetings. The shadow world is a small place, you have to have friends, people to talk to… especially on matters as big as this."
John looks above our heads and starts a little. "I guess we should all be heading in now."
I turn to find just a few people left in the foyer of the Gard. John starts to shuffle us in and whispers, "don't worry, we'll keep you kids safe."
I want to say so many things to him. That not everyone feels the same way about us as him and his friends, that he doesn't have the influence to become Inquisitor, that we're not even worried about ourselves today, we've taken care of ourselves without help for a long time. We can't loose another set of parents, that's what matters today.
Alec leads the way to a place to sit in the middle. We have to step over a few people, who either greet us or glare.
When I sit, my knee starts to bob up and down with anxiety. When the Consul asks me to get up and talk about my father, what am I supposed to say? That I'm devastated I had to kill my own father? That I'm furious I'm the one who had to do it? That I love and miss him despite the fact that he went crazy?
All of it feels genuine, but none of it feels right.
Jace's hand presses up against my knee, stopping it from shaking. He leans close to my ear, I can't imagine what the shadowhunters around us are thinking. "We can leave if you want."
I shake my head. "No, I want to be here," I whisper back. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to say about all this." I look at Jace and he nods, understanding what I mean. I have to say what people will like. I can't be defiant about it. But if I'm not telling the truth they'll see right through it.
"I think when the time comes, you'll know exactly what to say."
"You sure about that?"
Jace smirks. "Yeah, obviously."
I let out a big breath. My friends trust me, John Carstairs obviously trusts me, he said he has friends that trust me. It can't be as bad as we think it is.
I lace my fingers through the ones still resting on my knee and squeeze them hard. Probably harder than necessary, but it helps.
The room quiets, Consul Penhallow steps on the dias.
"We have a lot to get through today," she says, her voice echoing throughout the high-ceilinged room. "First I'd like to thank you, and those who did not make it to today, for fighting the battle you fought. We've already taken precautions to ensure that the wards cannot be taken down like that again. The high warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane, a true ally of the Clave has strengthened the wards to detect demonic magic. He is also here today to help us through our topics." Consul Penhallow gestures to a figure down in the front of the room. He turns and raises a hand full of jewelry, his cat eyes glint in the light.
"The leader of the Circle of Raziel, a group of shadowhunters looking to disband the Clave and abolish all downworlders, Valentine Morgenstern, was killed in the battle he ensued…" her gaze flickers to mine, I feel Magnus' gaze on me as well. "Clarissa?"
The room shifts as people turn to look at me. I squeeze Jace's hand again before standing. I still have no idea what to say, so I just let myself start talking.
"Consul Penhallow told me yesterday that I didn't have to be here today if I didn't want to be. While I'm grateful for the gesture, everyone in this room knows that a shadowhunter doesn't give up on other shadowhunters when we're in situations like this. My brother killed himself just a couple of weeks ago. Just before I had to kill my father, he admitted to murdering my mother. But we're all in mourning today, not just for the blood family we've lost, but for all the shadowhunters we lost because… well I don't know why Valentine did what he did." I can feel myself losing the point of what I wanted to say, I can't find words anymore.
"So… I, uh, I'm not sure where we go from here. I don't want pity, I don't want a reward... I really don't want a reward. I just want respect, like everyone else."
I sit back down immediately, not looking at anyone around me to avoid embarrassment. Jace laces his fingers back between mine. I can feel everyone's eyes boring into my head, but I just look at Consul Penhallow and wish for her to say something. She opens her mouth and I watch her chest expand as if she about to speak, but the sound I hear is not her voice.
"Your whole family went against our society of shadowhunters. Your parents formed The Circle, your brother stole the Mortal Cup, how do we know you won't do anything?" Matthias Gonzales accuses from across the room.
I sigh and turn to face him. "I killed my father," I tell him. "And, with all due respect, Mattias, how you we know anyone in here won't do anything? How do I know you won't do anything?"
The room starts murmuring.
"You were raised by the creator of The Circle. You've been… influenced." I can tell he wanted to say damaged, or compromised.
I try not to raise my voice, but it does grow louder, "my parents hardly raised me, they were locked up for ten years of my life."
"Clarissa is right," John Carstairs speaks up. I almost groan, knowing he's ruining his chances of becoming Inquisitor even more. "We took their parents away from them over ten years ago, we left them on their own. If anything, those kids should be terrified on the Clave."
"Then how would you like to explain Jonathan Morgenstern?" Mattias asks, his eyebrow raising, a smirk forming on his lips.
"Jonathan killed himself," Alec says, voice raised. "In front of us, might I add."
The room quiets.
"If my daughter - if Emma, were left on her own like that..." John says, his voice lower now that the room has become silent. "No matter what I'd done, the amount of love I have for her would make me never want to involve her." I watch Cordelia's eyes fill with love for her husband. "We already know that these kids were not influenced. We put them under the Mortal Sword as children. We tortured answers out of them... They deserve the respect Clary has asked us for."
I hear more murmurs, this time, agreeing with John. A few still sound like they'd like to argue, but no one speaks up.
Consul Penhallow does not comment on the situation, instead, she moves on. "Before we begin the Lightwood trial, it is time to name a new Inquisitor. The Inquisitor has been chosen by myself and unbiased members of the Clave and has already been appointed, taken the oath to serve the Clave, and is fit to handle the Mortal Sword later today."
The room shifts. I had no idea the decision had already been made.
"I would like to introduce Inquisitor John Carstairs."
I feel like I could burst into applause. I let out a quiet sigh of relief and see in the corner of my eyes, my friends do the same. Iz bumps my shoulder and I turn to see her wearing a small smile. This is good. John Carstairs was never really friends with the Lightwoods, but he is good news for their case.
John steps up on the dias and accepts a grey robe from the Consul.
"I've already sworn the oath," he says. "But it is my honour to serve you."
"Maryse and Robert Lightwood are testifying today against assisting Valentine Morgenstern with the demon attack on Idris: dismantling the tower, letting in demons, and the massacre of one-hundred fellow shadowhunters. Members of The Clave, you must refrain from asking questions while either Maryse and Robert Lightwood are under the Mortal Sword and let the Inquisitor complete his duties."
Consul Penhallow pauses, scanning the room. I can't bring myself to look at Maryse or Robert for too long. Their eyes don't meet mine, but I have no idea what kind of fate they'll find today.
I watch silently as each of them are called up to the Sword, and Inquisitor Carstairs questions them both on their involvement on the demon attack the other day. I brace myself for the worst, but the answers they give surprise me, and by the murmurs that happen around me, I know they're surprising everyone else, too.
According to both Robert and Maryse, they both had active involvement in The Circle, but as far as they knew, The Circle ended over ten years ago when Valentine murdered his parabatai, Lucian Greymark. The uprising still happened, however, with Circle members minus Lucian. After they agreed Valentine went too far, they still rose up against The Clave for him.
They knew he had been wanting to take down the towers ten years ago, but he convinced them while they were all locked up together that he had left that behind.
"He told us," Maryse said, holding back tears, "that he just wanted to get out of that cell and back to his kids. He told us he didn't care anymore, he just wanted his kids to have a life that he was actually involved in."
I already knew what my father meant by a "good life" for Jonathan and I, it meant finally getting what he wanted, because he thought that was best.
They both explained how the day of the attack went, in too vivid detail for me to want to hear, but I sat through it anyways. At some point, Alec, Isabelle, Jace, and I were all clutching each other's hands between our seats. Isabelle would squeeze mine sometimes, when a new fact came up. Jace's hand against my other remained still. I knew we were thinking the same thing: we'd already lost our own parents, so losing the Lightwood parents wouldn't affect us as much. But for the sake of Alec and Isabelle, we hoped they wouldn't meet a fate similar to our own parents.
When the Inquisitor's final question comes for both of them I have to hold my breath.
"What is the future of the Circle?"
"There isn't one," Maryse replies. "The Circle was supposed to be about equality, not domination. I can't even fathom trying to keep up with it. The last ten years… if I could go back and be able to properly raise my children, I would."
Robert replies a bit differently to the same question. "The law is hard, but it is the law. The Circle has no future in my mind and it never will again. It was never supposed to turn into what it is known as. Valentine was power hungry, he was crazy. I could never again be involved in something so vile."
I flinch a bit as the word "vile" is used alongside my father's name. He was crazy, but it feels odd to call your father, your blood, crazy.
I wonder if Robert had been allowed in the room while Maryse was answering that he would've given a more similar, fatherly answer. But Robert had never quite gotten fatherly right. He was always going to be more stern than nurturing.
Maryse and Robert both leave and the arguing begins.
People talk back and forth along the big room so quickly, I hardly keep up on who's saying what.
"They were active Circle members, don't they deserve the same fate?"
"But they've obviously changed, after being locked up for ten years."
"It doesn't matter, people don't change."
"Put them back for another ten years!"
I watch Consul Penhallow, her head turning to each speaker, her eyes watching them with an air of professionalism. There's a lack of compassion in her eyes that I know is there from when she's spoken to me in private. She nods slightly after each opinion and suggestion is stated, like she's actually processing each one, making it valid, and filing it under possibilities.
"They didn't have anything to do with the other day, though."
"Yes, they've already been punished for their involvement in the Circle."
"So have many others, but they were punished much differently."
Penhallow cuts in suddenly, "those who died because of their involvement, did it while acting on their involvement in the Circle. Most died in the uprising, the rest were stripped of marks and died because of that, those who fled are now banished."
"And the Lightwoods are just left to think about what they did for ten years as if children being punished?"
"Shouldn't their marks be stripped, then?"
"Ten years ago," someone speaks up, louder than the rest, "the trial of the Lightwoods, and the Morgensterns, was concluded that they be put away. The other Circle members were stripped of their marks, but the so-called leaders, who may have deserved a worse fate at the time, were locked away for ten years. Does anyone remember how we concluded to that?"
I finally turn for the first time to look at the speaker and find Andrew Blackthorn, not just speaking up, but standing, so everyone can see him clearly. His eyes roam the crowd, waiting for an answer, they stall on mine for a second before moving on.
"We did that," he continues, "because the Morgenstern and Lightwood names were highly respected. They were two among a handful of families that own Manors outside the protection of the city's towers. They were families known to have great influence over others and hold their own when trouble came around. We thought, that a bit of time to think about the Circle and what it came to be would do the families well, restore the respect. I think we need to keep that in mind." Andrew then sits down, and I turn my head back to Consul Penhallow, waiting to see her small nod.
She nods eventually, but there is no one else speaking. She looks at us, he eyes set between Isabelle and Alec. Iz releases my hand.
"Lightwoods?" she asks.
Alec does not seem startled, but Isabelle shifts a little as the room turn to look at them.
"Dura lex, sed lex," Alec says. "But may I make a suggestion?"
Isabelle looks like she's about to throw up. I reach over and squeeze her arm.
Consul Penhallow nods.
"I recall," Alec continues, "a Clave meeting a few months ago wherein we were trying to decide on a reasonable new tenant for the Institute in New York City?"
"You want," speaks up Gonzales, "your parents to run the New York Institute?"
"I think it's reasonable enough. You want them to stay out of trouble, you want a reason to trust them again, but you can only do so by being able to monitor their actions. You also need someone to run the Institute again."
"There are shadowhunters needed in New York City right now. Magnus Bane and the downworlders there need assistance with the growing number of demons popping up there," Consul Penhallow says.
"Sounds like a cop-out," Gonzales says.
"Doesn't sound like one to me," says Andrew Blackthorn. "Sounds like reasonable way to end the situation. Without-" he pauses to swallow hard, "without adding more death."
I put my hand on Jace's thigh to steady both my hand and his bouncing leg.
"Alright," Consul Penhallow says, "we'll get the Council to vote."
So then we were forced to leave, along with everyone else in the Clave, except for members of the Council. Everyone else leaves with no intention of coming back - not caring enough to hear the decision, just wanting to go home and mourn their lost family members. We stay behind, hovering by the doors into the meeting room of the Gard.
Isabelle stands with her hands stuck on her hips, I can't tell if she's really confident or just pretending to. Alec stands off to the side, close to the closed double doors, ears trying to listen in, even though the doors have protective runes. Jace has an arm tight around my waist.
I feel his hot breath on my ear, "I never ever want to wait in this room ever again."
I turn my head, our noses almost touch.
"Last time was bad enough," he says quietly, and kisses the corner of my mouth.
"I'd rather not have to deal with PDA right now," Alec calls from across the room, not moving from his spot. Jace moves to join him.
Iz comes to stand beside me. "Nothing is going to be the same," she says - not a question.
"Would you really want everything to stay the same?" I ask her.
She shrugs, moving to cross her arms. "Our lives weren't normal by any means, it wasn't like any other shadowhunter kid, but we were used to it. Now, no matter what, everything is going to change."
"It was bound to happen sometime, Iz. Everything went wrong when Jonathan left, everything changed then-"
"Everything went wrong when they," she points a finger at the closed doors, "went and defied the Clave. Everything went wrong before we were even born. They brought us into this whole mess and now it's our mess."
"I guess it is."
"It doesn't even matter that they never meant for it to be our mess."
"I guess not."
"We're still on our own."
"We're on our own together," I tell her. "We had shitty parents, they created a mess and threw us in the middle, they didn't pay attention enough to realize the extent of what they did. My father was insane. We can't change it so we just have to stay where we are together."
The door suddenly opens, slowly, as if taunting us.
Maryse and Robert walk through, Consul Penhallow behind them. None of them see us, standing there.
"Magnus Bane will set up a portal, you'll travel through it from here," she nods to the wall behind us, and that's when they all realize we're still standing there.
Alec crosses his arms, any chance of a happy celebration is cut off. "Let's go home."
The streets are dead on our walk back to the house, Maryse and Robert trailing behind us. They don't try to keep their voices low as they talk about the city, what's changed and what hasn't.
When we walk in the door, the façade fades.
"Is anyone going to say something?" Maryse asks.
"No," Alec replies.
"We can't talk about this?" Robert asks, looking at the four of us, though I'm not sure that Jace and I have a say.
"No," Iz says. "We can't, because you can't be parents anymore." Her and Alec both make their way up the stairs without another word.
The air around me goes stale and awkward. I look at Maryse and Robert and try to ignore the embarrassment on their faces. "Tea?" I ask.