"Can I use your blue pen?" Miranda asked, reaching across to AJ's pencil tin.
The three of them, Miranda, AJ and Gabby, were sat in a circle on the floor of the play-closet in AJ's room busy drawing.
Miranda and AJ were both making a thank you card for their Nana's in gratitude for everything they had done for their moms. Gabby was doing a picture of her own to present to their mommies so that everyone would have something. It was a picture of a fish, of course.
AJ nodded his head to Miranda's request. He had been concentrating on the lettering he was carefully outlining on the front of his card, but now he was watching Miranda as she took the pen from his case.
"Are you scared about tomorrow?" he asked. She had been very quiet all evening, more so when his mom told them all that Binks was going to be late because she was talking to Miranda's doctor.
Miranda looked back at her birthday-twin. He looked worried. She knew he was asking about going to see Dr Stanhope with mommy.
Gabby looked up briefly from her own drawing. She had been carefully colouring in the scales of her fish, Reggie had shown her how to add fins and eyes and fishy lips and she was getting really good at them. Gabby saw her sister's smile disappear. AJ was right, Miranda was scared.
Gabby put down her crayon and moved across to give her big sister a hug.
Miranda let her cuddle her for a moment and then pulled back.
"I'm okay." she said but she still wasn't smiling.
Miranda wanted them to drop the subject, but AJ was still watching her with concern, and now so was Gabby.
"I just don't want my mommy to hate me." she said quietly.
"Binks would never hate you!" said AJ quickly.
"It makes her cry to remember what happened." said Miranda. "I don't want to make her sad and I don't want to make her remember. I hate him for how he hurt my mommy and she must hate him too… And I make her sad, and I look like him… People say I look like him… I don't want her to hate to look at me because I look like him!"
AJ suddenly looked very angry at Miranda.
"That's stupid." he said gruffly. "You don't hate people because they look like people you don't like!"
"But they could…" said Miranda, unsure where his anger was coming from.
"No they can't." he said, so desperate to get his words out that he stammered. "Be…because, I look like my daddy and my mommy loves me and Binks loves me! And daddy hurt them worse than anything and I never would!"
He stared back at her, almost vibrating with tension as if waiting for her to contradict him.
Miranda blinked, she hadn't thought of that. When she looked at AJ she didn't see his daddy and all the bad thing he did… she just saw her best friend and she never thought for a moment that he would hurt anyone like that.
"I'm sorry." said Miranda softly. "I was being silly, of course I was. I don't see your daddy when I see you and I don't hate you for what your daddy did! You are a million times better him!"
"And you are a billion-trillion times better than your daddy!" said AJ firmly.
She felt ashamed about how thoughtless her words must have sounded to AJ. But something told her it was something more. Maybe he realised that she hadn't spoken her real fear; because she knew you could hate someone for who they reminded them of. Miranda was starting to realise that she was beginning to hate herself! Hating the fact that the face she saw in the mirror everyday was the same as the man who had hurt her mommy so badly.
Sometimes she would stare at her reflection and try to see his face in hers. Was he the reason for her pale eyes; her golden-brown hair, so much fairer than her mommy's; the dimple in her cheek when she smiled..? Sometimes she felt like her face was a mask belonging to a monster she could only imagine and she would give anything to give it back. Sometimes in her dreams the figure hurting her mommy until she screamed would stare back at her with her own face…
AJ seemed to be able to read her thoughts.
"Don't you start hating yourself for what your daddy did." he said. He looked embarrassed and uncomfortable about his next words but he held her gaze as he spoke them. "Because as bad as it was, if he hadn't done what he did, there wouldn't be a you for you to hate!"
He scooted closer and patted her back, he didn't look comfortable with the gesture, but he wasn't sure what else to do, Miranda needed him to help her.
"Please try to be happy again." he begged. "We have our new house and our new family and our daddies can never hurt our moms ever again. They are safe and we are safe and… and I just want you to smile again."
Miranda looked up at her birthday-twin and did just that… she smiled at him; grateful for his kindness and his comfort.
Smiling back, AJ stopped his awkward back patting and turned it into a hug instead, which Miranda thankfully leant into.
Gabby who had been watching the exchange with curious eyes, relaxed when the smile returned to her big sister's lips. Miranda was fixed again, she wouldn't have to run and get mamma! With a relieved sigh she picked up her crayon and continued to colour in her fish's scales, she still had a lot of work to do to get it ready for when Erica and AJ's Nana came for tea!
…