Not a Gay Sex Club

"OH MY GOD, BLACK BROTHERS!" Esther exclaimed as soon as they entered the Contemporary Issues in Westerosi Society classroom for their final lesson of the week.

"That's racist!" Hannah fumed.

"Members of the Night's Watch!" Andy corrected.

Indeed, there were members of the Night's Watch hanging out with Jon Snow at the front of the room. The two crows—one tall and thick of neck, a head taller than Jon, and the other small and with large ears—embraced each other in a manly hug, then did the same to Jon, who patted them on the back in a brotherly fashion and grinned.

"Glad you could come knock some sense into this lot," he said.

Jon Snow really does know nothing if he thinks that's possible with Esther, by gods.

"OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GAY," Letty and Hannah shouted in unison, rushing into their seats and leaning forwards, anxious for a good look at the obvious bumsex that was to follow. Of course Letty thinks they're gay. She thinks Theon and Robb and Jon create fuck sandwiches, and that Jaime and Bronn could be an item.

"Pyp and Grenn! But you died!" exclaimed a Ryger fanboy, pointing at the men who weren't Jon Snow. "You died!"

So did Catelyn and Robb and Jon and Tywin and a whole bunch of others who work here, thought Saskia, and that doesn't stop them from existing in this terrifyingly amazing canon. Whoever these guys are, it's not impossible for them to be here. And who were Pyp and Grenn, exactly? Jon's friends at Castle Black other than Sam? She didn't quite remember them from the show, at least.

"Did not happen. Although, really, you've got to admit my show death was mint, as you say," said Grenn, the tall one, beaming and puffing with pride. "I helped slay one of the last of the giants. I held the gate."

"And my death did not happen, either, not in book canon. We're very much alive. There's no arrow through my neck," Pyp said, "and no cock in my arse, Miss Quinn and Miss Postlethwaite. Not Grenn's, not Sam's, not Jon's, not Edd's, not Maester Aemon's, and not Wun Wun's."

"You forgot Bowen Marsh, Alliser Thorne, Janos Slynt, Donal Noye, Rast, Satin, Benjen, and Ghost," Grenn added.

"None of them, either."

Esther raised her hand. "What about Three-Finger Hobb? What else is 'e using those three fingers for, I wonder? Can 'e fit all three of 'em up Bowen's arse in one go?"

"Holding carrots."

"Not like that. As he chops them for stew," Grenn was quick to add.

"Men can be friends and have platonic, brother-like relationships without wanting to put the wood in the hole," said Pyp. "And that's half the reason Jon asked us here today— to show you how the Night's Watch is not a gay sex club."

"But are you gay?" Letty had to ask as Andy just groaned and Edrick facepalmed, and Pyp and Grenn and Jon looked disapprovingly at her. "You sure seem like it. You hugged Jon and you live in a castle filled with no one but men and pigs and—" she trailed off a bit. "—you've got to be doing it! Where else are you going to get it from?!"

"How do you know you're alive, Mr Pyp, ser?" Hannah slavered. "You'd know you were alive, and feel the heat of life within you, if only you would stroke Grenn's chest, and nibble his ear, and put your cock in—"

"The Night's Watch," Grenn interrupted, groaning slightly, "is not a gay sex club, and Pypar isn't my lover. Dolorous Edd isn't dolorous because no one's sticking him in the rear. Repeat after me: men can be friends without wanting to put the wood in the hole."

"Men can be friends without wanting to put the wood in the hole," Saskia and the rest of the lot repeated.

"Men CAN'T be friends without wanting to put the wood in the hole!" said Letty.

"Besides, statistically, Miss Postlethwaite," said Pyp, "it would be extremely unlikely that everyone at Castle Black would be homosexual and that we would all fancy each other. In canon, Grenn specifically mentions a girl he liked back on the neighbouring farm where he was brought up. He's not sticking it up anyone's arse, and no one's sticking it up his."

"We are the shields that guard the realms of men. We are not the guardians of a secret homo paradise," said Grenn. "If we need a wank, we get one from our own hands or a Mole's Town whore, not Alliser Thorne."

Well, that's a disturbing mental image. Others certainly seemed to think so, making looks of intense disgust—all save Esther, naturally.

"Is this clear?" Pyp asked.

They nodded solemnly.

"That said," said Jon Snow, "the Night's Watch also does not accept women as recruits. There are no sworn sisters of the Night's Watch."

"Yes, there are!" a few fangirls exclaimed.

"Like my OC Erenia Snow!" Kayleigh shouted.

"And Wendianka!"

"And Rhynyrah Targaryen, ward of Ned Stark!"

"Time for a lesson in Westerosi history and legend," said Jon, grimacing. "Is anyone here familiar with the song and story of Brave Danny Flint?"

Only Andy, Edrick, Jay, and a girl off in the corner nodded.

"Years ago, Danny, a girl of House Flint, disguised herself as a boy to join the Night's Watch—"

"Just like Erenia!" Kayleigh said excitedly. "She's a bastard from the North who wants to fight and escape the marriage her father arranged for her! And then she falls in love with Jon, who falls in love with her the minute he sets eyes on her! And then he marries her beneath the heart tree and takes her virginity and they live happily ever after!"

"Let's have a read of one of these 'girl in the Night's Watch' fics, shall we, and compare the ending to that of Brave Danny Flint?" Jon said, leafing through a pile of papers on his desk. He found a particular stack – clearly marked Jon/OC – and selected one from the pile. "Which outcome is more realistic in Westeros amongst thieves and rapers?"

"I can fight!" Erenia exclaimed to Alliser Thorne. "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't fight!"

"Doesn't it, now?" the evil man laughed. "Well, Erenia, fight that one there."

She picked up a sword and a shield and waved it at Grenn, who shrunk back in fear. She was waving the blade so fast it made whooshing noises. As she advanced on Grenn, he swung his own sword feebly to block Erenia's blow, but missed and was hit in the shield.

"I yield, I yield!" he cried.

"Wow, how did you learn to fight like that?" Pyp asked, looking at Erenia with interest.

"I taught myself," she said proudly, curtseying, "though my father taught me some."

"He must've been an amazing fighter."

Erenia nodded; though she knew she was a better fighter than her father, it would be indecorous to be so proud, she thought. "He was," she said, with a look to the fit bastard nearby who was also an awesome fighter. He was definitely noticing her now.

"Nice swordsmanship," he said, grinning at her. His deep brown eyes were boring into hers so sexily, and Erenia, for the first time in aeons, found herself blushing under his caring and loving stare. If this was the kind of man who was populating Castle Black, becoming a sworn sister of the Night's Watch wasn't going to be so bad at all.

"Whoever wrote that mess of a fic should be sentenced to digging latrines north of the Wall for three days," said Pyp. Kayleigh crossed her arms and sulked, glowering at Pyp.

"Should not," she retorted.

Grenn coughed. "We may not be legendary fighters, Miss Evans, but we are not weaklings. Also, we would not be admiring your Mary Sue's fighting skills. We would be besting her and beating her as Rast beat Sam, and Jon would pay no notice to her. And others at Castle Black, the thieves and rapers and scum, would be having their way with her come nightfall, or earlier, and she would be very lucky indeed to live."

"The Night's Watch is full of men," said Jon Snow, flexing his burnt hand, "who are not always the most honourable. Men are sentenced to serve in the Night's Watch for crimes such as rape. Your Mary Sues would be treated with disdain – and rightfully so – because they would not truly be able to fight if they were reasonable characters. I would do no harm to Erenia, Kayleigh, but I would not fall in love with her or notice her in any way other than finding her foolish. I would not dishonour her against her will or with her permission. I would not break my vows and marry her beneath a heart tree."

"We are to take no wives," said Grenn, a bit sadly. "That is not to say that we are allowed to take husbands and male lovers. We are not allowed to father children."

"Which we still can't and never will on other men, Esther," Jon noted with a glare at Esther, who was waving her hand madly and bouncing slightly in her seat. "Lower your hand. That, of course, is forbidden, likely because love distracts from duty and the Others like to zombify babies."

"But I want to write mpreg with Wun Wun and Bowen Marsh!"

Grenn and Pyp made faces of extreme disgust, but Jon just shook his head—used to the insanity by now, most likely. "As Lord Tyrion tells me he likes to tell you, no, just no. But back to the point, which is that there are no women in the Night's Watch for a variety of valid reasons, and from this point on, none of your fanfics will include women joining the Watch."

A fair percentage of the fangirls around grumbled and sniffled—including Kayleigh, still sunk down in her seat and glowering at Pyp and Grenn, and now her beloved Jon Snow. How dare he apply reason and logic to her beloved fanfiction.

"Erenia could very well end up like Danny Flint—raped, murdered, and now haunting the Nightfort," Jon said. "That's not exactly the kind of romance any of you desire, I presume."

"So..." said Amy, confused. "If there are no women, and the women can get killed, then who are you fucking?"

Grenn sighed. "Again, no one, our hands, or Mole's Town whores. Why doesn't anyone write an OC who's a Mole's Town whore?"

That's actually an interesting idea, Saskia thought. Seira could be the child of a Mole's Town whore – Mole's Town's south of Castle Black, right? – and a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, long dead. And she could see the war and the situation with the wildlings through the eyes of one of the smallfolk. Seira could be an interesting character, with loads of daddy angst and problems with men, but she could ennoble herself by doing other work. But no. She could escape the sack of Mole's Town, ready to better herself and stop whoring because she's got some kind of disease, like chlamydia or whatever else they've got in Westeros, and by the time she's at Castle Black, she gets raped and killed, and the brothers who used to fuck her don't give a rat's arse that she dies.

Well, that's depressing and pointless, like a bad Thomas Hardy novel set in Westeros. What would Tyrion and Miss Oloi think of it? Would that be a sane and canonical thing to write, or would the travails of a dying and ultimately murdered bastard-born whore be more suited to an original story? Would they approve of the actually-written-out story of Brave Danny Flint, or a Westerosi-style ballad about her?

In any case, the wheels were already turning in Saskia's head—beyond the repetitive cycle of Robb, Robb, Robb.

Speaking of clubs that were not gay sex ones, if you could get a staff member and at least three other people to sign up, you were allowed to start your own fan club of some kind—or so Lord Tywin had begrudgingly announced earlier that week. Saskia tittered with excitement and dread, for now she could meet fellow Robb fans – fellow competition for his love – and discuss him as much as she wanted without Orla to tell her she was blathering again, or Letty to shriek that no, he'd not be having her because he would be having Theon, very roughly (though now Lucy enjoyed reminding Letty that no, neither Robb nor Theon was gay). Saskia went to have a peek at the updated club list in the Hawick common room, hoping and praying there'd be a Robb club.

Sansa Stark Appreciation League
Leader & Sponsor: Jay Remo & Robb Stark

Robbers Anonymous
Leader & Sponsor: Megan Finch & Jeyne Westerling-Stark

Aww yiss, Saskia thought. My people. Her heart sank a bit at realising she'd have to put up with Jeyne in order to attend, likely with Neddy in tow.

Ramsay's Girls
Leader & Sponsor: Eve Ludden & Ramsay Snow Bolton

Society of Stannis Fans
Leader & Sponsor: Nathan Hall & Davos Seaworth

People Who Want to See Jon Snow Fully Naked
Leader & Sponsor: Emily Preston & Tormund Giantsbane

What the hell was Tormund doing sponsoring this club?! Someone would soon be writing bad slash based on that wee titbit, no doubt.

Learners of Hodorese
Leader & Sponsor: Ashleigh Dudley & Hodor

Daenerys Is Our Queen
Leader & Sponsor: Brandon Ford & Tyrion Lannister

Society for the Appreciation of Dorne
Leader & Sponsor: Derrick Hynes & Ellaria Sand

Even Esther, batshit Esther, led a club. Whilst some rather straight-laced students who liked pairings such as Jaime/Elia, Daario/Daenerys, Sam/Sansa, Ned/Cersei, Arya/Hot Pie, Robb/Dacey (whoever that was), and Lyanna/Ashara frequented Beautiful Loves: Uncommon ASoIaF Pairings meetings until they were scared off, it was, in reality, mostly a hotbed of Esther-led crackery. There, you were more likely to share pornographic diatribes about Tywin and Bob the Builder, Barristan Selmy and Pope Benedict XVI, or Sansa's erotic adventures with Chewbacca, a dalek, Batman, Molly Weasley, Daniel Day-Lewis, Margaery, a harem of Care Bears, and lemon cakes than you were to discuss how the Seven Kingdoms would've been affected had Cersei been betrothed to Ned, or what would've happened had Baelor Hightower not suffered from vile farts and had married Elia Martell. Because they were very keen on shipping Sansa with everything that moved, and too many things that didn't, the Beautiful Loves club had many nemeses in the Sansa Stark Appreciation League, led by Jay ('the sane one', as Daenerys and Tyrion tended to call him). Robb, adorably, sponsored the club devoted to the protection and appreciation of his sister, who had never loved lemon cakes that way, thank you very much.

That was what Saskia had heard, at least. Someday she would work up the courage to attend a Beautiful Loves meeting, but today was not that day. Saskia just signed up for Robbers Anonymous, and Lucy had signed up for, predictably, Society for the Appreciation of Dorne and People Who Want to See Jon Snow Fully Naked.

O n Monday, the last day possible to get staff sponsorship for clubs, Orla went running around Harrenhal like a headless chicken with Saskia at her side… you know, for the appearance of support and as an apology for her previous bitchiness. Orla begged all the staff she could corner to sponsor People for the Perpetuation of Happiness, and sniffled through the refusals of Robb, Tywin, Catelyn, Bronn, Stannis ("Nothing makes him happy! Not even Shireen being alive in this canon, probably! He's a soulless dry shite! He needs to die!" Orla cried just a bit too loudly, thus inciting a barrage of insults and death threats from the Mannimals), Tyrion, Sansa, Miss Oloi, Miss Ellie, Jon, Daenerys, Sandor, Oberyn, Hodor (she'd explained her mission entirely in Hodorese, but it was still a resounding hodor), Wyman, Ygritte, Davos, Ramsay ("He said the only thing that'd make him happy'd be stabbing my eyes to mush with splintery twigs, then rolling me in a pile of bacon and leaving me to the dragons!" she wailed), Jeyne, Tormund, and her one true love, Jaime, who just laughed at her and walked away without comment.

"Tyrion seems rather happy with his one true love, wine," Saskia told Orla as she stood, dejected, in Jaime's wake out in the blustery courtyard before theirDomestic Artslesson. "I don't know why you'd want to interfere with love so pure. What love can Sansa give him that wine can't?"

Come to think of it, she was beginning to like wine, which was as freely available as ale and mead at meals, though Saskia knew the good stuff was reserved for staff. Love – even of the King in the North – couldn't make you feel as fantastic in the head as wine did, unless it were a fanfiction and you were exaggerating, because at home in the real world, that shit hurt.

"Because he's meant to be with Sansa who's meant to be with Sandor!" Orla whined. "Can he father sweet Lannister children on wine?"

"Just give it up. This is Westeros. You're not going to get your 'happily ever after' even here. Like, if Jaime and Brienne and Sandor and Sansa wanted to be married, they would be. You know, like," it almost pained her to say it, "like… Robb and Jeyne."

"I can too!"

"What're you going to do, annoy them until they give in?"

Orla's eyes sparkled. "You think that'd work better than reasoning with them?"

"No," said Saskia, "but good luck with that."

Suddenly, Brienne appeared at the far end of the courtyard, walking into a garden for a stroll. Orla perked up immediately.

"Brienne! My lady! My lady!" Orla howled, not even bothering to reply to Saskia, running after her. Saskia followed. Maybe this conversation would be excellent fodder for things to tell Jaqen H'ghar; one never knew. "Do—do you want— want to sponsor— People for the— Perpetuation of Happiness?" Orla panted, doubled over and catching her breath.

Brienne gave her a quizzical look. "What is that?"

"My new club. Though—though it's not got a lot of members yet. Just me, Sara, Evie, and some of their friends. We'll be growing soon enough."

Brienne looked long and hard at both of them. "And what do you do?"

"Well, you see, our goals are to make sure you're happy. Like, you and Jaime like each other, don't you? I'd even say you secretly love each other. So we want to perpetuate happiness here, where George RR Martin doesn't rule, and allow and encourage you to marry and have babies and be happy whilst you can be. This is likely the only canon in which you'll be allowed that mercy. Think about it."

"There are more important legacies than children," said Brienne, cringing a wee bit. "More paramount is honour, that after we are gone from this university and returned to canon, that we are viewed favourably, that we have acted with principle, and that we have fulfilled our oaths."

"That's not happy," Orla said blankly.

"Perhaps not, but it is important."

"Marriage makes people happy," Orla whinged one more, making silly pleady eyes at Brienne. "So do children. You and Jaime might want to get on that. Tell Jon and Ygritte, too. Olly can't possibly be making them happy. She didn't birth Olly, and he's not a wee cute Targaryen baby. He's pure satanic."

"Children do not always bring their parents joy, Miss Dwyer. They are often disappointments. That is not an insult to you," Brienne said, "but it is true all the same."

"I might disappoint my granddad and my ma a bit, but babies don't in fanfiction!"

"Yes, in some cases and in fanfiction. But life is not a song or a fanfiction."

"So," Orla said as sweetly as possible, her voice already wavering with disappointment, "are you going to sponsor People for the Perpetuation of Happiness?"

The answer to that, also, was a no.

In the end, Orla managed to get Sam to sponsor People for the Perpetuation of Happiness on the condition of her adding 'Sam becomes a wizard and marries Gilly' to that stupid list that served as club goals. Sam hadn't died, though, and Thoros and Melisandre weren't around (yet) to revive anyone (and you'd not trust yourself to Maester Qyburn for that or anything, ever), so Sam was very much bound to his vows, which, Saskia was now perfectly assured, meant no taking any wives or husbands. All the same, Sam totally shipped half the things that Orla shipped like the fuckin' Royal Mail. And Gilly was working in Winterfell, serving Lord Eddard Stark, apparently, so Orla's task, were she up to it at all, was that much harder.

"I don't care about Sam and Gilly," she told Saskia on their way into the sewing room, where Lady Stark, Jeyne, and Sansa were already awaiting them. "They're already happy. Now if Sam can convince Sansa and Jon and Jaime to do the right thing…"

"…And sew your mouth shut?" Saskia snorted.

"Sansa! Look! I've started a club!" Orla whined, ignoring Saskia, waving about her urple list and her new club roster, with thankfully few names at this point. Sansa just looked coolly at Orla, barely looking up from her sewing—that was unfortunately going nowhere near Orla's mouth. "It's called People for the Perpetuation of Happiness, and now you can marry Sandor!"

Catelyn tutted. Jeyne rolled her eyes. Sansa sighed. Saskia inwardly cringed. The girl was hopeless.

Want to start a club that isn't a gay sex one, or want to join any mentioned? Let me know in a review/PM and I will add you as a representative of that club. Perhaps we'll take a trip to some of these clubs; let me know if there's any in particular that interest you. Also, my apologies for the 'girl in the Night's Watch' fic I pulled out of my drunk arse. I hope it was as terrible as some of the real ones I've seen. And fear not; the fans, including Saskia and Orla, won't always be so hopeless. That's the point of an OFU, after all.

'Put the wood in the hole' (or, as we'd say, 'put wood inth'ole') is an old-school expression meaning 'shut the door'. Of course I had to twist it to sexual purposes lol.

Next on: Shireen and Davos host a reading circle… with fanbrats who cannot read. Alas.