Thank you for all your comments and those who are reading this.. Bear with me! Here is another update.
Caroline saw the sadness fill Kate's eyes she had to admit to herself if not allowed, the serious expression on Kate's face filled her with dread. But she had just experienced what it was like if only for a few moments what life could be like without Kate and she wasn't going to let that happen.
Caroline cupped Kate's face "tell me" she pleaded her soft tones ringing in Kate's ears.
Kates eyes refused to meet hers she felt Kate tense underneath her the tears rolling freely down her face. "I thought you didn't want me, i thought you were with Gavin. I was angry I didn't mean it I was hurting I... I didn't mean it but I can't take it back..."
"Kate your worrying me now" , their eyes connected "I've ruined everything Caroline once I tell you this you will not want me I'll have ruined us".
"Kate, trust me" her eyes were blurry from the tears but she could still make out those gorgeous blue eyes staring at her lovingly and that amazingly gorgeous reassuring smile.
""I need you to know I did it ,because I wasn't thinking no ..I was distraught I didn't mean it too happen but ..." She looked up Caroline's face still the same "Its Greg" Caroline felt her breathe stop, her body shook her eyes prickled. Oh god no anything but this please tell me she didn't go to him. That she kissed him anyone but him Caroline calmly nodded "did you kiss?" Caroline careful to control her voice, but as Kate's head once more lowered her heart broke in two as the words followed "worse".
"oh Kate please tell me you didn't , did you?" Kate's eyes shut at the pain in Caroline's voice "we slept together. I thought we were over, I wasn't thinking I was distraught over thinking I'd lost you.. And now I've done that all by myself".
Caroline pulled herself off Kate's lap her body shook violently as the sobs overtook her body as she sank to the floor, part of her had feared the words as she had almost guessed before they'd been spoken. Would she have felt worse or better if shed not heard the actual words. "we slept together" her mind flooded with the imagine the pain overtook her as an anguish cry escaped her lips. She felt Kate kneel beside her she felt her hand but at this moment she couldn't, she couldn't be near her she couldn't think of it or she feared shed never feel happy again.
she pulled herself up avoiding Kate's gaze "I've got to make dinner", "Caroline" Kate's voice pleading they talk about it, her efforts rejected as Caroline held up her hand to stop her words. "I've got to make tea" she walked from the room leaving Kate sitting frozen, what the fuck had she done!
Caroline switching onto auto pilot walked to the fridge and to the oven chopping the vegetables, her mind shutting down blocking out the pain. She didn't even feel the pain as she sliced her index finger open, she looked down on it as the blood escaped in ripples over her hand but it was if she was looking at someone else's finger. She felt numb she was unsure how she should react, She couldn't think she couldn't respond it was if her brain had shut down to minimize the pain, as she finished off the bottle of wine her head swam. It was no good the thoughts still there, the image of Kate touching him, him touching her as they had sex. How could she have done that to me, how could she think I would have done that to her, how could she let him. How can she think I'd get over this, how can I pretend I don't know this, how do I not and loose her.
Her head swam as they all sat in silence as they ate dinner, Kate tried to take Caroline's hand but Caroline wouldn't allow it, she felt Kate's eyes search to meet hers but she wouldn't allow it.
she felt her eyes boring into her, she dare not look up, she daren't In case everything in her mind suddenly was released into the open. As they cleared the plates andLawrence disappeared taking a double look at both women, feeling the tension guessing his best move was to leave them. He caught the sad defeated look on his mothers face, it worried him what the hell had happened must be bad, he grabbed his phone off the table and quickly left the room.
Kate found Caroline standing over the sink, as she became closer she watched the fear fill Caroline's eyes, as the woman she loved stood frozen battling with herself between fight and flight mode. Kate's arms reached around Caroline's waist "Caroline" her name was enough as Caroline's composure evaporated her knees felt like they were about to buckle but Kate held her up. "I'm sorry I didn't mean it, it meant nothing" her words sounded so empty so inadequate she watched as Caroline physically trembled in front of her. She wished for something anything, for Caroline to shout to throw something, to cry anything but this silence. "I love you, I need you Caroline talk to me."
Caroline stood composing herself the best she could "I'm going to bed", Kate nodded "I'm so sorry Caroline, I'll go". Caroline didn't move she wanted to speak but her mouth opened and shut without words escaping as Kate reached for her car keys.
Caroline's hand outstretched to stop her "don't leave me" her words so quite they were almost in audible. "I'll stay if you want me to" Kate whispered Caroline's words had run out all she could do is nod, as she turned off the lights and headed upstairs.
Caroline got into bed and turned to face the bathroom, she very rarely turned away from Kate even when she slept but tonight she couldn't look at her. As Kate climbed into bed Kate's foot met hers, Caroline sharply pulling hers away the simple touch bringing silent tears to her eyes once more. As they lay their together but separate Kate listened as Caroline slowly and quietly cried herself into a restless sleep, until she awoke sitting up right the cries now loud, unstoppable, her breathe fast and shallow she felt sick she felt distant from her own body. Kate now sat up next to her her arm on her shoulder but Caroline ignored it as she settled back into bed facing away from Kate once more, pleading with herself to ignore the image the fake montage in her head of Kate crying out in pleasure as she slept with him. His lips on hers his hands everywhere, her body shaking in enjoyment from his body on hers, the imagine of him inside her thrusting against her. She ran from the bed as she reached the toilet she was violently sick, as she sat at the toilet bowl sobbing, Kate sat in the bed unsure what to do for the best.
Kate couldn't stand this what the hell had she done, how could she do this to poor Caroline, oh her magnificent Caroline. Kate's eyes wet from her own tears as she crawled from the bed and dressed once more, finding Caroline hunched over the toilet her face almost unrecognizable. "I think I should leave Caroline, I'm sorry more sorry then Ican ever explain that I've caused you this pain. I love you". Kate turned to leave feeling an arm snatch at her leg "Kate" a strangled sob "stay with me" Kate sunk to her knees "what can I do Caroline, I'll do anything to take it back to make it right" the sobs becoming louder from her lover who held to her as if holding on for dear life. "Stay" she whispered Kate pulled her into her embrace feeling Caroline give into her touch, her hands now desperate seeking flesh. "Caroline I don't think.." "Fine!" she snapped "one fuck too many today is that it" the venom in her words hit Kate like a steam roller "Oh Caroline, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you". "Yes you did that's why you did it, but I didn't do anything to deserve it" her words cut into Kate as if a razor her heart broke as she watched the formidable Caroline Elliot who sat before her broken.
"I love you Kate " her word tender surprising Kate "I love you too Caroline, more than anything" Their eyes meeting directly as Caroline took her hand placing it to her chest, Kate felt her rapid heart beat as her finger found the outline of her lips. "Hold me, I want to feel like yours". Caroline spoke tenderly as Kate's expression turned to concern "you are mine Caroline". Kate moved closer she pulled Caroline into her arms as she stroked her hair making calming sounds trying to soothe her as if a child. They sat for a long time before creeping into bed and lay holding one another, quiet, safe as if all was fixed whilst sleep prevailed And their minds lay dormant.