Assuming Jack
After the Sam Affair, Kim offered me to stay the night in her room. Sam is still hogtied there as far as I know. She's smart. She'll figure it out or my other roommate would find her. I could see them being good together if Sam ever gets over me.
More than anything, Kim expressed in not so many words that she didn't want either of us alone tonight. She saw this all in her nightmare, and it happened. I'm a little freaked out too, but I know we don't have to worry about it anymore.
I look over at Kim, who looks exhausted but really adorable. I kiss her head and she looks up at me with a smile, her cheek pressed into my shoulder. "Hi." Kim sighs, barely conscious.
"How are you?" I ask, taking her hand in mine and kissing her knuckles.
"I'm *huge yawn* good." Kim smiles lazily. She rests her chin on my shoulder and keeps gazing at me. "You? It was you that almost got defiled by a psycho bitch." Her eyes hold worry now.
"I'm okay, Kim. I wish you didn't have to be there for that, though." Her Friday, then me tonight. I think both of us are a little shaken, to be honest.
"I'm glad you decided to come with me and Rudy." Kim kisses my shoulder. "We can't stay up all night again, but I do feel better with us both here."
Rudy parks the Jeep and we stumble out, my arm around Kim's shoulder to keep her up. We pulled an all nighter, plus Sam's drugs in our system, we're pretty beat. With her dad being a vet, I can see how she had access.
We make it to her room and I barely get the door open before I have to scoop her up bridal style to carry her to bed. With no warning, she kicks out of her shoes and peels off her socks and jeans. She's in her panties and the t-shirt I lent her that I'm probably never getting back. It's a plain black v-neck, the likes of which I have more of. Sam ripped her blouse earlier in a weird bit of rage. The way she looked and talked about Kim, I think she had a weird thing for the both of us...
"Are you just going to stare, or are you coming into bed?" She buries her face into the pillow. It's more of a legitimate question than a flirt or challenge.
I hesitantly get in bed next to her, her back in front of me. She pulls the blankets over us with some effort. Kim rolls over so we're face to face. "Your jeans are scratchy." Kim's voice has no tone, like a sexy blonde robot.
"Want me to sleep on the floor?" I offer. I don't know what she wants from me!
I find out as soon as her hands make work of my belt before I can do anything. "Don't be silly. Just take em' off and go to bed."
"I'm not taking my pants off!" Am I making this more awkward than it has to be, or am I making her lucid morning easier?
"I won't take advantage of you if you don't take advantage of me." She pops my button. If I don't take them off, I'm getting the idea she will. I'm actually cool with that.
Kim takes my pants all the way off and throws them against a wall. "There. Was that so hard?" She pauses. "Don't answer that."
I chuckle and relax a little, the bed being big enough that there's an inch or two between our bodies, now that I'm on the edge of the bed.
I think I'm good to finally sleep, but Kim grabs my arm and rolls me over. She throws a leg and an arm over me and presses herself up against me. My heart's in my throat, I'm getting harder by the second but can't really help that. "Kim..."
"It's Michigan. In December. I'm cold." Is the only response I expect. "It'll go down." Kim is relentless when she's half drugged and sleep deprived. I roll my eyes and try to fall asleep.
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Assuming Kim
Jack, hey Jack. Jack begins to stir. I know it's early but you gotta get up. Jack is up and looking at my smiling face, though the words aren't coming out. There's a lot to do and you got this. Good morning, Jack!
"Kim?" Jack asks, not sure what was happening. The little song replays. Jack, hey Jack. The first words aren't sung, but a gentle whisper. I know it's early but you gotta get up. There's a lot to do and you got this. My recorded voice sings. Good morning, Jack! My voice says happily and full of life.
"I recorded you a wake up song for your phone alarm." I say smiling. "I woke up in the middle of the night and the idea came to me. I recorded it in the bathroom."
Jack smiles and hugs me too him. I hug him back before he can remember that neither of us are wearing pants. Our skin is warm and feels relaxing when it's pressed together.
Instead of pulling apart like I expected, he kisses me and buries his face in my neck. "Good morning, Kim."
"Jack, are you okay?" I felt the urgency of his kiss and heard it in his voice.
"I'm great. Just waking up next to you is... it's what I need. I'm so used to waking up alone and tired, not sure what I'm getting up for. This morning I woke up in the arms of a beautiful, warm woman that I know cares about me, that I can feel the care of. I've never had this before."
Jack's voice is quiet but strong. "Come on, we should get you ready for work and school." I urge him, smacking his ass under the blanket. Chalk that up to the 'Definitely Gonna Happen Again' list. The man must do squats!
"Alright, alright, I'm up!" He says laughing, the seriousness of his statement left behind. It's not that I'm cold and trying to ignore it. It's just that I need to process what he has said. I know what he means, because I'm there too, and no one has ever said that I affected them like that before. That kind of admission from someone like Jack is a lot to swallow.
Jack and I get dressed together (Nothing obscene, I assure you) and head out for the Jeep. I'm going to drop him off at work for 6:30 am. That's just stupid, but the man does what he has to for his bills. Who can't respect that?
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Assuming Jack
Kim pulls up to the entrance of the kitchen and stops the car. "Don't work too hard today. You need to keep me company on the flight." She tries to tell me seriously, but her eyes give her away.
"I'll behave and take care of myself. Sam doesn't work today, so I should be good." I'd like to chuckle at that, but I can only grimace now.
"Hey, are you okay?" Kim asks, taking my hand. "If we need to talk about this, we will. What are they going to do, fire you?" Kim lightens the mood with that, knowing it's my final day here.
"Yeah Kim, I'm good." I smile back, kissing our entwined hands. "I'll meet you back at my place after school." I reach for the door but she pulls me backwards by the shoulder. My head's on the console and she leans down to kiss me.
"I can do that now, remember?" Kim smiles and I get up. "See you soon."
I step out and my coworker Derek is outside smoking. "Hey champ! Who's the girl?"
I stay silent, trying to think of a safe answer to tell him. "That's my girlfriend." That's all I give him.
"She's smokin' and gives you rides like a taxi? You must be damn good in the sheets, man." Derek chuckles and I don't think he realizes how close I am to blowing up in his face.
"Don't talk about her, Derek." That's his one.
"A little insecure, Jackie?" This is one of the reasons I didn't want Kim to have lunch with me here the other day. Because this fucker works mornings. "Want me to show her a couple of things and send her back your way?"
I close my eyes and try to control my breathing. "Wanna watch so you can learn, too?" That's enough!
I center myself one time. I twist on my right toe and plant that foot, swinging my left up at a forty-five degree angle to sit on Derek's right shoulder. I twist at the ankle enough to tap the side of his head.
"If you talk about Kim again, I will put you in the hospital. Go thank God because I chose not to do it now." I pull my foot back and I stand on my two feet again. "I'd like to slap that cigarette out of your hands, but I hope they're right when they say smoking kills you." With that, I went inside.
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Assuming Kim
Me and Rudy stop over at Jack's house. We should have asked first, but I think getting him all packed and ready while he's at work might be a good idea. A time saver.
It also gives me a chance to check out Jack's natural element when a crazy sixteen year old isn't trying to have her way with him.
His room is about what I expected. Dirty laundry all over the front of the room. He has an overflowing waste basket and a messy night stand, buried in water and Gatorade bottles. In the back half of his room away from his twin size bed, the floor is barely visible under old books, notebooks and scattered loose leaf paper.
There's only one notebook on his Maplewood desk against the wall. It's simply titled Musings. Curiosity gets the best of me. I open the cover and a note in scraggly hand writing reads If you're not Jack Brewer, please fuck off. How elegant.
I press on anyway. I'm his girlfriend now. Isn't this my job?
As I flip through the pages, Jack's mind unfolds before me. Musings is full of Jack's original works. Short stories and poems. Each work is dated and titled, going back four years, even. I need to talk to Jack about this.
"What are you doing?" Jack asks gruffly from the doorway. Oh shit. I literally can't hide it. I'm sitting at the head of his bed, my nose in his notebook.
"Hey Jack." I smile and stand up to greet him. He meets me half way and pushes me back on the bed! What...
"I said what are you doing." I've never seen Jack this bristled, his eyes so angry. His fists are clenched and I'm a little... intimidated. I can't worm out. He's serious about this.
"Me and Rudy came to get you packed. We thought it would be easier for you." I tell him, not answering why I have his notebook. "What are you doing here?"
"It's my house..." Jack says like it's obvious.
"I thought you were working till 12:00."
"Oh, that." Jack shrugs. "I got fired for threatening a coworker. Why do you have my notebook?" Back to business, I guess.
"You threatened a co worker?" That doesn't sound like Jack. I'm also hoping he'll drop the notebook thing.
"Why do you have my notebook?" Nope.
"I'm sorry, Jack. I saw that it was called Musings, and I got really interested."
"Why?"
"I thought it would tell me more about you. And it did." Jack's fists clench even tighter. Is that blood? He's digging his fingernails into his palms so hard they're bleeding! "Jack, stop! You're hurting yourself!"
"Did you not read. THE FUCKING NOTE?!" I crawl back further till I hit the wall. Jack's never been pissed at me, and I really don't like it.
"Jack, I'm sorry." I put the notebook down and push it towards him.
"That's the one thing no one is allowed to touch. You're not allowed to look at it. You're not allowed to read it. The worst days of my life are in that notebook. Did you read any of it?" His eyes are closed and he's breathing deeply.
"No." I'm a terrible liar.
"KIM!"
"Yes, yes! I read some of it!" I shout back, a little frightened.
Jack drops to his floor and rubs a hand through his hair. "What did you read."
"It's My Fault, Cut, and Helpless." I answer. It hurt just to read it, and to know that Jack went through what he did.
It's My Fault was about the death of a friend when he was sixteen. He was supposed to serve at his funeral, and Jack couldn't get through it. Donna, his ex, was a big part of the short story. When and why did she leave him? Cut is about Jack's first time self harming. He doesn't have any physical scars anymore, but I wonder what kind of other mark it left on him. Helpless is about Jack's ongoing battle with his depression, anxiety and hang ups he has with himself.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I should have listened to your note. I should have stopped reading as soon as it got personal. But when I started it was so well written I couldn't stop." I try to explain myself.
"Are you happy now?" Jack looks up at me and I see betrayal, self loathing and fear in the most expressive face I have ever seen. "Are you happy now that you know two of the secrets I wanted to take to my grave? Are you happy that you know what goes through my head every day, that now you know what my inner voice puts me through every day? Because I would give anything, to have never felt any of that." Jack gets up and slams the door behind him as he leaves. He left me here, sitting on his bed and crying.
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Assuming Jack
God damn it! Why? Why did she have to fucking read that? Nobody was ever supposed to. Certainly not her. Donna found it once and read it cover to cover. That's why she left me. "I was too much." Sorry Donna Tobin that little Jack Brewer was too fucking broken! I didn't ask for any of that to happen, for that notebook to be full of my life's stains. Writing them down was like bleeding out poison. And it is poison. Who ever reads it leaves me for dead. Now it's Kim's turn.
Kim isn't going to want me since she found out how fucked up I am! I was doing the best I could to hide it, but she had to read it. I thought I had caught a break, that I found someone who might be capable of loving me, someone I was capable of loving. It was looking like it was going to be Kim until now.
Just thinking about this gets my chest pounding and my heart drumming. My breathing is laborious now. Fuck! I need to get down the stairs and to the couch. I need to lay down.
I'm at the stairs but I can barely breath and I feel numb. My whole body is tingly to the point of feeling like needles from head to toe. I can't move. My body is giving out from under me. "JACK!" my mind barely registers the shout before I fall down the stairs.
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Assuming Kim
"JACK!" I shout, seeing the state of my boyfriend as he leans forward and falls down the stairs, all the way to the bottom.
"Jack Jack Jack Jack." I repeat as I follow him down. He finally stops as he rolls into the front door. "Oh my God, Jack." He looks like he's out cold, but his chest is still rising and falling rapidly yet shallow.
Rudy comes back into the house from loading Jack's things in my Jeep. "Rudy!"
Rudy looks down to see Jack on the floor and me crouching over him, his head in my lap. "What happened?"
"Jack had a panic attack and fell down the stairs." I look up to Rudy, and he must see the hurt in my eyes. "It's my fault. I caused it."
"Kim, we'll have to talk about this later. We need to calm Jack down. He's too out of it but his system is still going haywire. I'll check his backpack. He probably has anxiety meds in there." Rudy jumps over us and starts whipping everything out of Jack's backpack. Finally he comes up with the bottle and runs to the kitchen. Probably getting water.
"Hold on Jack, we're gonna help you." I kiss his forehead. Jack's face is screwed in pain from trying to breath. He's fetal and rolls over so he's on his knees and forehead, fighting for air. His face is soaked with tears and a mutter of "make it stop" occasionally escapes.
Rudy comes back with the water and two pills. "Jack! We need you to get these down. Can you do that?" Rudy asks loudly, trying to get through Jack's grunts of pain. Jack isn't showing any signs of understanding.
"We need to get him to the hospital." I look Rudy in the eyes. "We can't help him."
"You're right." Rudy nods and with effort, picks Jack up in what doesn't look like a comfortable hold. "I'll drive. Sit in the back with Jack." Rudy orders.
I do as I'm told and I don't even get to strap him in. He falls off the seat and is fetal again. He's pale and now he's hacking, but nothing comes out. We need to get him there, fast.
Rudy breaks every traffic law I can imagine as we race Jack to the hospital in the center of town. It's hard to miss.
It seems like the longest car ride of my life. It feels like Jack is fighting for his life, and all I can do is tell him we'll be there soon and that it'll be okay. "I'm not gonna leave you, Jack." Jack nods, the first thing he's comprehended in minutes.
We finally get there and I open the door. Rudy tries to move Jack, but he's gripping my ankle for dear life. "Jack, you have to let go of me so we can get you inside."
"Won't... let go." Jack forces out between sobs and barking coughs.
"I'm coming with you, Jack. I'm right behind you." He nods and lets go, and Rudy finally gets him up.
"We need a doctor!" Rudy shouts as he front kicks the door open, Jack still held tightly in his arms, shaking and silent.
A nurse appears almost immediately with a wheel chair. He almost falls out but I catch him and sit him back up. "They're here to help, Jack. You're safe!" I shout as they wheel him away, another nurse holding him in place.
I take a seat in the waiting room across from Rudy. I finally break. If I hadn't touched that damned notebook, Jack wouldn't have lost control. He wouldn't be fighting for every breath right now. What have I done?
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Assuming Jack
What am I even feeling? Every breath is excruciating and not enough. I'm trying not scream because I feel I'm suffocating and I can't move my body, like a full body case of arthritis.
It takes three nurses to get me on the bed. A doctor throws the door open and pulls my shirt over my head. I couldn't help if I wanted to. She pushes me back and they apply some kind of patches over my torso. They hook me up with an oxygen mask. I must be blue by now.
They try to ask me questions, but it just sounds like the adults from Charlie Brown specials.
Minutes that feel like hours go by and I can take in oxygen again. My breathing evens out and I feel like I lost every karate match I have participated in right in a row.
"Can you hear me?" The doctor asks. I nod. "Can you speak?" I roughly push out a yes. "Good. Can you tell me what happened?"
"Panic. Attack. Kim's. Gonna leave." I push out through deep, slow breaths. Kim leaving me floods my mind. She shouldn't have to deal with this, with me being like this. "She should."
"You have terrible anxiety." She says more to herself, but I nod incase she is looking for confirmation.
"This isn't just an anxiety attack. I need to ask some questions when you're able, Jack." Dr. Ambrose is familiar with me. Small towns and all. We've gone to the same church for as long as I can remember.
"Ask away." My voice was coming back, but I haven't felt this dead since my first ever panic attack. It happened just like this, but without the spill down the stairs.
"What were you doing when you had your attack, Jack?"
"Just thinking about some stuff..." I know I should tell her the truth, but I'd rather not.
"Who is Kim? The girl you're afraid will leave you?"
"Yeah..."
"Is that what you were thinking about?" The doctor asks with a sympathetic look in her eyes.
"Yeah. I got fired today, too. I have a new job opportunity that I've been thinking about a lot too." She's probably thinking I'm fighting too many things at once and I couldn't handle it.
"Do you work a lot, Jack?"
"Yeah."
"Full time student?"
"Mhmm." I mumble, trying to stay awake. It's getting harder by the second. I'm so tired.
"I think you're exhausted, Jack. You're working yourself into the ground, and it's magnifying your anxiety. Do you suffer from depression, Jack?" I nod, unable to open my eyes. "I thought so. You need to take it easy. There's only so much you can put on yourself, and you've piled it on too deep."
I understand this is her professional diagnosis, but I flip her off with a shaking arm anyway, because that's not what I wanted to hear.
She didn't say anything, so her reaction is a mystery to me. "Get some rest. I'll go speak to those who brought you in."
"Don't." I tell her, but it's too weak to be heard. She's gone and now she's going to go tell Kim and Rudy how fucked up I am. There goes Kim and the job of being with her, of protecting her. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm not strong enough.
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Assuming Kim
A doctor comes out of the double doors of the ER seeing rooms and sees me and Rudy sitting together. We're the only two here.
"Is Jack okay?" I ask softly.
"Jack is stabilized now. I want him to get some sleep before the two of you go to see him." The doctor tells us before she takes the seat next to Rudy.
"Doctor?" Rudy is probably wondering what kind of bomb she's going to drop on us. I'm wondering that right now.
"Your friend Jack didn't just have an anxiety attack." She says. "I think Jack is breaking. He's exhausted. He's been doing too much and there's a lot on his mind. He needs help, and he needs a break. He's fatigued to the point of damaging himself." The doctor finishes with a pained look.
"Is there anything we can do for him?" I have to ask. He needs somebody, and I'm going to be that somebody.
"What are you to Jack, ma'am? A relative, a friend..."
"Girlfriend." I answer, swallowing deeply. I don't like where this is going.
"You must be Kim." She smiles softly. I only nod. Did Jack say something?
"Kim, you need to talk to Jack. The first thing he said was that you were going to leave him, and that you should."
I drop my head in my hands. I read that damned notebook and he thinks I'm going to leave after what I learned about him? "I could never leave him. Not now, not yesterday and definitely not tomorrow." I say, looking back up with watery eyes.
"He needs to know that, and you need to make sure he relaxes. He's going to stress himself to the grave. He's depressed. I'm not supposed to reveal that to you, but you need to know it for his safety if you don't know it already."
"I just found out that he is today. I read his... journal, I guess... and he really flipped out." I confess, ashamed of my insatiable nosiness.
"Jack has been through alot, Kim. He's a proud, strong man, but he needs help. I don't want to put that on you, but he can't handle it all alone. This is what happens when he tries. His last girl left him because of Jack's… problems, and it devastated him further."
"Are you allowed to tell us this?" Rudy asks.
"I'm not telling you as his doctor. I'm telling you as his friend that doesn't want to see him back here." She smiles at us sympathetically. "Jack has been fighting alone for a long time, and he really needs somebody now." She pats her knees and disappears between the double doors again.
Jack's done being lonely. He's done worrying paycheck to paycheck. He's done feeling worthless and wondering if he's just too much to handle. He's been holding out for a hero, and I'm going to try to save him like I know he will try to save me, like he has already.