I find myself outside my favourite ice cream parlour 'Molly Moon's' and enter, ordering a large tub of vanilla I go and sit in a booth out of the way. All thoughts disappear as I work my way through the tub. Once finished I take out my phone, wondering if I've been missed yet. It vibrates into life as the messages start coming through. I read Hannah's first, and then some of the others.

'Matt, Where are you? I'm worried about you and everyone is frantic. Please come back, I miss you. Love Hx'

'Matt, Christian has gone thermonuclear; he has security out searching for you. Get in touch. Love Hx'

'Way to go little bro. First you thump Christian and then you disappear. The black eye is impressive though. Get in touch with someone to let them know you're OK. Laters, Elliot'

'Matt, please don't do anything silly. You know how much we all love you. Let us know you are safe somewhere. Love Mia xx'

'Matthew, I know you must be hurting but text and let us know you are OK. Your mom is upset. Love Dad'

'Where the fuck are you? You little shit. I so want to punch you back right now. I only want to know where you are because mom is distraught.' That one is from Christian and I want to punch him again. He makes me so mad. Well I'm not texting him back. Another one comes through from him 'I told you that you needed security and you haven't got any. Once again you don't listen to me. Call as soon as you read this' I don't think so; I'm not listening to him again.

Another message from Hannah, this one nearly breaks me 'Matt, I need a hug from you. All your family are worried. Your mom thinks she's to blame and is so upset. I've never seen her cry before. Please, I'm begging you. Get in touch. I want to lie next to you tonight. Lots of Love Hx' Shit, what do I do. I desperately want to hug Hannah, and kiss her and make love to her.

'Baby, I love you. I'm just not good enough for you or my family at the moment. I told you I was pretty messed up and now you know what you're dealing with you probably won't want me either. Love always Mx' I hit send. Hannah must read the message immediately as my phone rings straight away; I reject the call and switch the phone off so that I can't be tracked. I stand up and make a move; I've got to go in case they managed to trace me in the short time my phone was on. I jump on the first bus that comes along but I'm not even sure where it's going. I get off at Grey House. Sitting on the wall outside the building I switch my phone back on. Again it vibrates into life. Finally there's a text from mom.

'Darling boy, I'm sorry. I'd give anything to start the evening again and have you sat next to me at dinner. Please call, I love you.' Oh mom, I love you too. Am I ready to be found yet or do I still want alone time. I'm not sure so I enter Grey House and make my way to Christian's office. The building is deserted with it being a Saturday evening. I sit in his chair at his desk; Ana looks down at me from the huge portrait that Christian has hung on the wall.

'Matt, the tears won't stop. Please call me I want you to make them go way. Love Hx' Oh baby, I want to hug you and make the tears stop.

I send a couple of texts. 'Mom, I love you but I'm hurting so much. I need to sleep now. Love Matt x' 'Baby, I will see you soon. Please don't cry for me, I am not worth it. I'm so tired now. Love always Mx.' As I hit send another message arrives.

'Matt, please call me. Love Mom x' I reply straight away. 'I can't mom; I'm too ashamed of myself at the moment. I don't know why I did it. Please tell Christian I'm sorry.' I hit send and then rest my head on the desk and close my eyes. My phone rings, it's mom but I hit reject. It rings again and it's Hannah this time, again I hit reject. The phone on Christian's desk rings, I know it will be him. I pick it up.

'Stay where you are, Taylor will be with you in five minutes.' Christian hisses.

'I'm sor…'

'Don't even go there. I don't want to hear it.' He says and clicks off. I rest my elbows on the desk and put my head in my hands to wait. I'm so tired and want to sleep. My head is pounding and my eyes are hurting. I close my eyes but the pain doesn't go away. I hear Taylor clear his throat; I didn't hear him come into the office.

'Mr Grey, I have been given instructions to take you to Bellevue.' He says, his tone clipped. Taylor sounds so formal. I nod and stand and follow him to the door. He calls the elevator and we enter, as it descends I look at him but he doesn't give anything away. Crossing the foyer I feel slightly dizzy but concentrate on getting out into the cool evening air. As soon as I'm outside I breathe deeply and go and sit on the wall where I was earlier.

'Mr Grey' Taylor says looking at me as if I'm a stranger. I turn towards the flower bed behind me and throw up. Shit, I feel totally embarrassed. I slouch onto the floor, my back resting against the wall and put my head between my knees. I don't feel good, it's as if I'm somewhere else, totally detached from my body.

'Matt, Matt.' Taylor is talking to me now and he sounds concerned. He's crouching down next to me and I look at him through glazed eyes. He didn't want to know me a few moments ago, that hurt. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. He whips out his phone but before he makes a call I grab his hand to stop him and shake my head. 'Matt, I need to call Mr Grey.'

'No, I'll manage to get to the SUV, just drop me at Bellevue.' I say showing no emotion. I stand and walk towards the car, Taylor follows. He opens the back door and I climb in. As I sit on the back seat I close my eyes. Hopefully Taylor will drive quickly and we'll soon be there.

Twenty minutes later Taylor pulls onto the drive, I can see dad's car is there already. As I climb out of the car the front door opens. Dad is stood there and mom is behind him. I can't see anyone else. I walk into the house that I left almost a week ago. I eye both parents warily.

'Darling boy….' Mom starts. I shake my head. I'm not that anymore. I'm some horrible monster. I walk past them and start climbing the stairs; I hear mom sob and turn. Dad was talking to Taylor but he puts an arm round her. Taylor leaves and dad takes mom in his arms. I continue walking up to my room. I close the door behind me and climb under the duvet without even undressing, I'm too tired to do anything but sleep.

When I wake it's still dark outside. Someone has been in my room and left a glass of water on the side. I drink it and then find my phone. There are so many messages but I only read a few.

'Don't worry about Christian, he'll calm down eventually. At least you're safe. If you need to get away from it all you can always come and stay with me. Take care little bro. Elliot.'

'Matt, I'm so glad you're safe. Love Mia xx'

'Matt, I'll come as soon as you want to see me. Love you always Hx' I gulp when I read that one. I hit reply 'Baby, I love you and always will. I'm pretty fucked up right now and not a nice person to be with. Missing you, Love Mx' I hit send and lie back down on the pillows. There's nothing from Christian.

I go and use the bathroom and then make my way downstairs still in the clothes I slept in. I find what I'm looking for and head out of the house through the kitchen door. Crossing the patio I follow the path behind the trees and find the gate in the wall. Unlocking it I proceed into my garden next door but I'm careful to lock the gate behind me. I go and sit on the swing seat by the water. I watch the dawn break and the sun rise over the city. The phone in my pocket vibrates.

'Darling, where are you?' Mom asks.

'Watching the sun rise.' I whisper back.

'Can I come and sit with you darling?' she asks.

'Mom, I'm not a darling. I'm a monster. I'm probably best alone right now, I'm not a nice person to be with, I don't even like myself.' I say.

'Matthew, let me come to you.' Mom says gently.

'I'm on the swing seat mom.' I whisper and click my phone off. I sit and wait for her and as I see her approach I watch her warily. She comes and sits next to me and we sit in silence for a while. Eventually she takes my hand. 'I'm sorry mom.' I say quietly.

'We were all so worried about you.' She says. I don't say anything in reply. I doubt Christian was worried. 'How are you feeling health wise, Taylor said you were sick and that you didn't look good.'

'I wasn't last night, I had a headache and I think I ate too much ice cream; I went to Molly's' I say.

'Oh Matt.' I take the keys out of my pocket and give them to mom. 'You want to go inside the house?' she asks and I nod.

We walk side by side, mom is about to go round the side of the house to the front but I stop her.

'No, mommy and daddy brought me in this way.' I say looking at the patio door. I'm referring to the dream I had in the hospital. Mom smiles at me and finds the right key before opening the door. I indicate to mom to go first and then I follow her. Stepping inside I stop to look around. The first thing I see is a grand piano. I can't help but grin.

'I have my own piano.' I mutter.

'Yes, you have one in all your houses.' Mom says. I walk across the room to it and rub my hand over the lid. Mom is watching me. Instinctively I turn and walk into the hallway; I stare with wonder as I walk in and out of every room. There are photos of me everywhere, as a baby progressively turning into a five year old. Lots on my own, some with mommy and daddy and some with my Grey family. I look at them all. I walk into what was daddy's study and sit at his desk. I then head up the stairs. There are so many bedrooms but I know where I'm going. I open the door and then I'm in my childhood bedroom. I feel like I'm finally home. There's tears running down my cheeks and I can't stop them. I go and lie on the bed; I can see the outlines of the stars on the ceiling that will light up when it's dark. Eventually I stand and go to the window and look at the view. I turn and head back out, I pause outside mommy and daddy's room but I don't go in, I'm not ready for that room yet. I wander back downstairs, into the huge kitchen, then conservatory, the dining room, the living room, the family room, the TV room. The house is huge. I find mom in a small room that I don't remember. She's sat at the desk looking through a photo album, tears in her eyes. She looks up when she sees me. 'Mom' I whisper and go to her, enveloping her in a hug. We both cry together. Eventually we pull apart and go and sit on the two-seater sofa. 'I don't remember this room, all the others I do but not this one.'

'This one your mommy considered to be her office.' Mom says. 'All the photo albums are on the bookshelves in here, Matt you'll find lots of your early memories in this room.' I look around the room; the shelves are stacked neatly with albums and books. On one wall there are six photo frames with pictures of houses or buildings. I stand to look at them, mom comes with me. 'They are yours.' She says and points to each one to name them 'London, Paris, Hawaii, Sydney, New York and finally the villa in Spain.' I'm totally mesmerized.

'Wow' I say. 'I still don't think of them as mine.'

'Why don't you stay in the Hawaii house when you go with Hannah? It has its own private beach.' Mom says.

'I don't know mom, she might not want to go away with me now after last night.' I mutter.

'I think she will, you should call her and speak to her. She can't wait to see you but she's waiting until you're ready. She's still at Escala.' Mom says.

'I've totally screwed up though, haven't I? Christian must hate me. He'll never forgive me.'

'He'll calm down eventually. After all he went through a stage where he was hot headed and got into a few fights. I think you shocked him though last night. The black eye will fade in a few days, he'll just have to make sure he doesn't get caught by any paparazzi otherwise it will be all over the papers. Matt you know how he and Hannah went shopping yesterday.' Moms says and I nod 'Well it's been picked up by that dreadful Seattle Nooz site. It asks if 'The Christian Grey' is playing away already by finding another girlfriend and they wonder what Ana will do when she finds out. It doesn't mention Hannah's name but I thought you should know. You know there's nothing in it.'

'Yes I know but I guess it's something we've got to start putting up with. I feel like I want to go away and hide now.'

'Don't say that darling, I thought we'd lost you yesterday and after last week with the operation…' mom says her voice sounding shaky.

'Oh mom, I'm sorry.' I say hugging her.

'Matt, have you been happy living with us?' mom asks.

'Yes, you know I have.' I reply.

'Then why do you worry about everything so much?'

'I don't know.'

'Christian wants you to see Dr Flynn.'

'And you?'

'I think it might be a good idea. When Christian was younger he saw every psychiatrist that was recommended but it didn't do him any good so we didn't do that with you but you seemed happy most of the time. It's only now that I think we should have taken you to see someone.'

'I wouldn't have liked it and I probably wouldn't have spoken to them. I'll go and see Dr Flynn though, he might help because I don't like who I am at the moment. Why am I changing so much mom?'

'You're finally trying to grow up. You've been too over protected by us all and you're just starting to live your own life.' She says quietly.

'Mom I have a hospital appointment tomorrow, if everything is OK would you mind if I went away with Hannah for a bit. I think we need some time away from here.'

'Only if you let Taylor sort out some security to take with you. I'd rather you had someone with you. Would you go to the Hawaii beach house?'

'Yes, I think we'll start there.'

'OK, I'll warn the housekeeper you're on your way. She'll be pleased to see you after all this time.'

'I have a housekeeper?' I ask.

'Yes darling, you have so much to learn and find out. Will you be back in plenty of time for the wedding?'

'I don't know mom, Christian and Ana might not want me there. I don't think Ana was too impressed with the black eye. We'll be back in time to start school.'

'Will you call me most days? I don't want to lose you darling.'

'Oh mom you won't lose me. I love you. I just need to go and find myself and the man that's inside me.'

'I love you too darling, don't ever forget that.'

'I won't. Shall we go back now? I'd better call Hannah.' I say.

'Yes, I'd better tell your father what's happening. He can speak with Taylor about security and I'll speak with the housekeeper. I better warn her what you will and won't eat.' She says smiling at me.

'No mom, I think it's time I stopped being so fussy and started trying new things.' I say smiling back at her and enveloping her in a hug before we leave. We lock the house up and walk across the garden, back through the gate in the wall and onto the patio. Dad is sat at the table reading the newspaper.

'Hi Matt.' He says smiling at me.

Hi Dad, I'm sorry about last night.' I say.

'I'm sure you had your reasons.' He says. I'm grateful he doesn't start to lecture me.

'Matt go and call Hannah. Carrick put the newspaper down I've got a list of jobs for you to be getting on with.' Mom says and dad rolls his eyes at me. I smile back at him before disappearing up to my room. Picking up my blackberry I speed-dial Hannah. She answers immediately.

'Matt.'

'Baby, how are you?'

'Good, what about you?' she asks.

'I think I'm OK. Do you want to see me?' I ask nervously.

'Yes of course. I love you and I want to hug you and kiss you. Can I come now? I think Sawyer will bring me.' She says.

'Yes. I can't wait to see you. I love you so much.' I say.

'Oh Matt, I missed you last night.' She says quietly.

'Me too baby, let me know when you're on the way. I'm going to shower now.' I say.

'Don't lock the door.' She says and I can tell she's smiling.

'OK, see you soon.' I say and click off. I feel so much happier as I go into the bathroom. Hopefully Hannah will be here soon. I shower quickly and find clean clothes. As I head back downstairs I'm feeling optimistic and hum to myself. I go to the kitchen and hear mom on the phone.

'Christian, he's going and you can't stop him. It will do him good to get away.' 'He'll be back if you want him there.' 'Your father will speak to Taylor about security.' Mom sees me and signals asking if I want to speak. I shrug. 'Matts here now, do you want to speak to him?' 'OK, well have a good day and phone later.' Mom says and hangs up.

'He didn't want to speak.' I say.

'No, sorry darling. He was just about to set sail on 'The Grace' with Ana.' Mom offers in way of an explanation. 'Sawyer is on his way here with Hannah and I've spoken to Mrs Richards your housekeeper in Hawaii. She is very excited about the prospect of seeing you again.'

'Oh, what's she like? I don't remember her.' I say.

'An older version of Mrs Jones. She must be about fifty now. She worked for your mommy and daddy.'

'Is there a Mr Richards?' I ask.

'Yes.' Mom says and turns to mix some batter for pancakes; she must be making them for me.

'Mom, what aren't you telling me?'

'Yes, there is a Mr Richards, he is lovely. He's a doctor at the hospital.' Mom says.

'So that's why you're letting me go.' I say.

'Yes, it will make me happier knowing that he's there in case you need anything. Matt you've still had a few dizzy spells and you might get some more. Even if you only stay there a week before moving on at least he'll be there that week and then you'll be stronger still.'

'Still being over protective.' I say smiling at her and going to hug her.

'I always will be darling.' She whispers into my chest. 'I'll miss you so much but I understand that you need to do this and I need to let you go.'

'Oh mom.' I say giving her another hug and not letting go. This is how dad and Hannah find us. Dad goes to mom and takes her in his arms. Hannah runs into mine. We hug each other tightly and I kiss her forehead. Mom looks at me and mouths 'Go, have some private time.' She smiles. I beam back at her and take Hannah's hand leading her into the garden and down to the jetty.

Hannah sits between my legs; her feet are dangling in the water. My legs are either side of hers and I wrap my arms around her. I kiss the side of her head.

'Hannah, if everything is OK at the hospital tomorrow would you come away with me on Tuesday.'

'Of course I would Matt; I want to be wherever you are. Where will we go and will your mom let us?'

'Hawaii.' I say 'and yes mom approves.'

'Really.' Hannah exclaims.

'Yes really. Hannah there's some stuff you still don't know about me but I can't tell you all about it now.'

'Can't or won't.' she asks

'Won't. I don't want to scare you off. I'll start by telling you that we're staying at a house in Hawaii, it has its own private beach and a housekeeper whose husband happens to be a doctor so that's why mom approves. I think it's quite big; it has at least eight bedrooms and a huge garden and swimming pool. We have to take security with us, that's one of mom's conditions as well.'

'OK, why are we staying in a house that's so big?'

'I own it.' I mutter quietly.

'What? You own it? But you have the house next door to here.' She says surprised.

'Yes. I know. My mommy and daddy were quite rich. I've only just found out.' I say hoping that's enough of an explanation.

'Really, and you're going to take me to your house. Oh Matt, I'm so lucky.' She says.

'No, I'm so lucky that you're coming with me.' I say kissing her neck. My hands move to her breasts 'Tuesday.' I whisper

'Is the day that we can…..'

'Yes baby. It will be special. We'll wait until we get there.' I kiss her neck again and she turns to face me and giggles.

'I never bought any underwear or bikinis.' She says.

'There'll be shops there, we can go together.' I say and smile at her. 'Hannah, I'm hungry and need to eat, sorry I've not had breakfast yet.' I say standing up and pulling her to her feet. We walk back up to the house hand in hand. 'You're so beautiful, I love you.' I whisper as I kiss her ear just before we go into the kitchen.