Dad drives and as we get nearer to the bridge I feel my body becoming tense. Shit, why did I tell him to come this way? I grip the sides of the seat. I breathe deeply.

'Are you OK?' dad asks.

'Yes' I whisper. Fuck, I'm not OK at all. I stretch out my legs and my body is rigid. I close my eyes. I feel someone's hand on my shoulder. Dad starts to slow down.

'Matt, do you want me to turn round?' dad asks.

'Keep going.' I manage to say through gritted teeth. I open my eyes just as we start the journey across. I can't breathe, I'm holding my breath. My eyes stay open, I can't blink, I just stare straight ahead. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I want to scream. The hand squeezes my shoulder. I want to cry. I know dad is driving fast but it seems to be taking forever, we've only just passed the halfway checkpoint. I focus on trying to breathe, shit it's so hard. In and out, oh fuck my chest feels so tight.

'Darling, we're nearly there.' Mom says gently. Breathe. I can see the end. Oh thank God, we are nearly at the other side. As dad exits the bridge I feel my body sag with relief though I'm still gripping the sides of the seat.

'We'll be home in five minutes.' Dad says.

'Darling, it's OK. We're over the bridge.' Mom says. I sit totally dazed. I can breathe again. When dad pulls onto the drive and switches the engine off I still cannot move.

'Matt, we're home.' He says gently looking at me. I'm still staring straight ahead. My door opens and mom envelopes me in a hug.

'Oh darling boy.' She says sobbing as she hugs and kisses me. I turn in my seat and hug her back.

'Mom, please don't cry. I'll be OK.' I say. 'It will be easier next time.' Dad takes mom in his arms and she cries into his chest. I hate seeing her cry because of me. 'I'm sorry dad, I didn't want mom to get upset.'

'Don't worry Matt. She'll be OK. How are you?' he asks.

'Tense but I'll be fine.' I say. Mia hugs me tightly.

'Oh Matt, you were so brave.' Mia says kissing my cheek. 'I am so proud of you.'

'Thanks Mia.' I say and then look at Hannah shyly. I hold out my arms and she comes to me and I envelope her in a hug. She hugs me back tightly. I kiss her cheek and then look at her. 'I told you I was fucked up.'

'Matthew Grey.' Mom says.

'Sorry mom.' I say and grin at Hannah. 'Sorry baby.'

'It's OK, I love you.' Hannah says smiling back at me.

'I love you too, come on lets go to bed. I want to fall sleep next to you.' I say and take her hand. We follow mom, dad and Mia into the house. Before we climb the stairs I let go of Hannah's hand and hug mom once again.

'I love you mom. I'm sorry if I upset you.' I say as I kiss her.

'I love you too darling boy. There's still a long way to go but we'll get through this together. I'll be there to help you.' She says gently.

'Thank you mom.' I say and then take Hannah's hand once more to climb the stairs. Once in my bedroom I hug Hannah again.

'I so want to lose myself in you now.' I say to her as I hug her tightly. She looks at me and grins. 'No, we'll wait, Tuesday will be special.'

'Even with Mia?' Hannah asks.

'Yes.' I say quietly and look away.

'Matt, what is it?

'The bridge, it's where my mommy and daddy were killed in the accident. Dad took me over once when I was small and I freaked out. I was sat in the back with Christian and he had to hold me until we got to the other side. Since then we have always gone the other way until today. I saw pictures on the news channel, I was supposed to be watching cartoons. I sometimes still have nightmares, I never slept much even when I was small but before I was ill I hardly slept. Christian doesn't sleep much either so we often played the piano together in the middle of the night. Hannah I'm scared that I'll have a nightmare when I'm asleep with you. Mia knows what I'm like and as dad calls it she's my comfort blanket. I've never been on a sleepover before, until recently mom or dad have always been in the room next to me. If I tried to sleepover at Elliots or Christians they would often have to bring me back here in the middle of the night or sit on the end of the bed until I finally fell asleep again. Shit Hannah the more I tell you the more I realise I'm totally fucked.' I say sitting on the end of the bed and putting my head in my hands.

'Matt, I still love you. You'll get through this, look at what you've achieved tonight.' Hannah says gently coming to sit next to me.

'I'm going to see someone tomorrow afternoon, he's called Dr Flynn. Christian thinks it will do me good to talk to someone apart from family about everything.'

'Is he a psychiatrist?' she asks. I nod. 'Do you think it will help?' I nod again.

'Whilst I'm there I want you to go and see your mom.' I say.

'No'

'Please Hannah, mom will go with you. Just try and talk to her before we go away. I don't want to come between you and you only get one mom. I lost my mommy but I was lucky enough that mom was there for me.' I say.

'OK, I'll go and see her and try and talk to her but if she says one thing I don't like then I'm leaving.' She says.

'OK baby, thank you for doing this for me.' I say, relieved that she's agreed to go. 'Shall we try and get some sleep?'

'Yes, I'll just use the bathroom first.' She says kissing my cheek. As Hannah goes into the bathroom I take my phone out of my pocket and speed dial Christian. It goes to voicemail as I thought it would. I leave him a quick message to tell him I'll catch up with him tomorrow and then switch it off. I undress quickly and climb into bed exhausted. As Hannah comes back into the room I watch her as she undresses. I smile at her as she looks at me.

'What?' she asks.

'I'm enjoying the view.' I say. 'Come and lie next to me, I want to feel your body next to mine.' She grins at me and climbs in.

'Matt, you have nothing on, not even your pants.' She says shocked.

'I know, take yours off. I want to be next to you skin on skin.' I murmur in her ear. I help her take her panties of and pull her close. 'Oh baby, this feels so good.'

'And this feels so hard.' She says taking my erection in her hand. I close my eyes and then feel her take me in her mouth.

'Hannah no, please it won't take long and I want to wait.' I mutter as she grips me and bares her teeth. Fuck I really do not want to come like this. I grab her under her arms and move her on top of me. She pouts. 'Please Hannah. Let's wait.'

'I just want to make you happy and relieve all the tension in you.' She says.

'I am happy and I need to sleep.' I say and roll on my side taking her with me. 'Roll over and I will lie behind you. We've got a busy day tomorrow and need to sleep.' I reach to turn out the light and pull her close her back to my front. 'Sleep baby, I love you.'

'I love you too Matt Grey' she whispers as I fall asleep.