'John, pleased to see you again. This is my younger brother Matthew, you've seen him at functions but probably not been introduced.' Christian says shaking Dr Flynn's hand.

'Good to see you Christian.' Dr Flynn says as he shakes his hand in return. I look up shocked, he's one of the few people to use my brother's first name outside of the family. 'Matthew, I've heard a lot about you.' He says shaking my hand.

'Oh.' I say. 'Is that a good or bad thing?'

'Good mainly.' Flynn says smiling at me. I look at Christian and suddenly I feel awkward.

'You want me to go.' Christian says. I nod. 'Will you text me later or call?' Again I nod. 'You can talk to me.' He says gently. I look uneasily at Flynn. 'You're uncomfortable?'

'Yes.' I whisper.

'You're so similar to Ana, she was fine once I left and so will you be.' He says smiling at me. I look at him surprised.

'Ana came.' I say quietly.

'Yes. It will be easier once I'm gone. You can trust Dr Flynn. Call me.' He says, coming to give me a brotherly hug. 'I'll see you soon, have a great holiday. Be safe and don't over-do it.'

'Ok, lecture over.' I say rolling my eyes at him.

'I can't wait until you're fully fit and we can work out and kick box together. You're going to take such a thrashing.' He says grinning at me.

'Bring it on.' I say back at him with a smirk. 'Haven't you got a meeting to get to?' Dr Flynn regards us with an amused expression.

'Yes little bro, take care.' He says and then adds 'Bye John, be gentle with him. He'll come out of his shell eventually.' He shakes his hand once more and then is gone.

'Matthew, shall we sit.' Dr Flynn says guiding me towards the dark green leather sofas. I sit on one of them and he sits in a wing backed chair opposite me.

'Dr Flynn please call me Matt, I'm only ever Matthew when I'm in trouble for something.'

'OK Matt and I am John.' He says and I nod at him. 'Matt, I'm here to listen to whatever you want to talk about. What we speak about stays in this room unless you ask me to share it with anyone.'

'OK.' I say quietly. I look around nervously, not sure where I want to start. 'Did you see Christian's black eye?' I ask and John nods. 'I did that to him on Saturday evening. He said something to me and before I knew what was happening my fist had connected with his face. I was so ashamed of myself.' I put my head down as I cannot look at him.

'You seem to be getting along well now.'

'Yes, we had a long talk yesterday evening. That's when he suggested I should come and chat with you. Most of the time we get on brilliantly, I started working for him a few weeks ago and we haven't got on as well since.' I say.

'Why do you think that is?'

'He's still the same, over protective of me. Controlling. I want to have more freedom but he keeps checking everything I do. Sometimes he treats me as an equal, like when we're working out together, sailing, having a few beers but it's when I want to go off on my own he double checks everything like I'm ten again. We've just had lunch together and I told him that at the end of the next school year I want to go to university in England.'

'How did he react?'

'He was shocked at first but seemed to come round to the idea quicker than I expected.' I say before adding quietly 'I've finally told my dream to mom and Christian but I don't know whether I'll ever be able to go through with it. I was offered a scholarship to study at Harvard next semester but turned it down because I've always been terrified of change and leaving the family. I didn't even tell them because I thought they might try and change my mind. I opted to do another year at school, it seemed like a safe option, I know where I am then.'

'But you can't stay at school forever.'

'I know, that's why I need to sort myself out. The last few weeks I've been getting frustrated and angry at the slightest thing but taking it out on other people, mainly Christian. It's me that's the problem though. I want to do so much stuff but I can't seem to ….I don't even know where I'm going with this conversation.' I say and look at him.

'Do you want me to help?' John asks. I gulp and nod. 'OK, so we need to focus on getting you to a place where you can apply for a university in England and are comfortable enough to be able to visit, have interviews and eventually accept a place that you have been offered.'

'Yes' I whisper. 'You make it sound so simple. It won't be that easy.'

'We'll break it down into small pieces and take one step at a time. Which university have you got in mind?' he asks.

'Cambridge.' I say as he whistles.

'One of the best in the world. It's a beautiful place.' He says.

'It sounds like you know it well.' I say.

He smiles at me 'I spent three years there. I met my wife there. I have a lot of fond memories from there. Originally I'm from London.'

'My mommy went there too, though I only found that out last night.' I say. 'My daddy was born in London. They were killed in a car crash when I was small. We lived next door to mom and dad.'

'You're adopted?' he asks and I nod. 'How do you feel about that?'

'Grateful that mom and dad have looked after me and I've got my brothers and sister. Guilty that my mommy and daddy died.' I say.

'Guilty, why's that?'

'When they dropped me at pre-k that morning daddy was hugging me and telling me to look after mommy because he was going to New York on business for a few days. Mommy had picked me up to hug me but I didn't want to know. I wriggled to get out of her arms, I was more interested in running around and playing instead of giving my mommy a hug. They were killed on the floating bridge, their car crushed between two trucks. I saw the pictures on the news channel when I was supposed to be watching cartoons. If I'd just hugged mommy back they would have been with me an extra few minutes and wouldn't have been there. I still have nightmares about that day, though recently I haven't been as bad.'

'Have you ever spoken to anyone about this before?'

'No not the guilty part, I did mention it to my girlfriend on Saturday when I was telling her about myself. She was in tears by the time I'd finished telling my story. I haven't told anyone else though.' I say. 'I also feel that mom and dad got stuck with me. They chose Elliot, Christian and Mia. They were my godparents but they probably weren't expecting my mommy and daddy to be killed when they agreed to do it and all of a sudden they had another child to look after. I'm totally insecure about the love that they all have for me and am always doubting it. Mom says I give her more hugs than any of the others and I'm always telling her that I love her, I think if I don't then something bad is going to happen. If something happens that I don't like then I tend to go into my own little world and not talk to anyone, that's probably why when we first came and I was just nodding at Christian he was being gentle and said 'you can speak to me' he seems to have this way of knowing what I'm thinking and quite often knows that I'm doing something mischievous even though we're miles apart.'

'How old were you?'

'I'd just turned five. Elliot was seventeen, Christian fifteen and Mia was nine. My mommy and mom had been best friends since they were in second grade. Dad and daddy became the best of friends as well. Elliot, Christian and Mia knew my mommy and daddy better than I did. They saw each other almost every day for ten years and in Mia's case every day since she was three months old. We lived in the house next door to where I live now. There's even a huge climbing frame that was built for the three of them.'

'The big house with the stone wall and gates?' he asks.

'Yes.'

'I always wondered who lived there.' He says.

'No-one has for almost thirteen years. Dad told me recently that it belongs to me. I was born in that house, mom delivered me. I can't really remember much about my mommy and daddy, I think I've blocked most of it out though I'm just starting to remember small memories. Somehow over the years I've developed a fear of anything within the family changing, I was devastated when Christian went to Harvard, even when he started going out with Ana I didn't want to like her. I've always wanted everything to be the same, at restaurants I always have the same thing. I've always sat next to mom at functions, dinner, on planes and at concerts. I've never even been to a friends for a sleepover. I'm pretty messed up aren't I?'

'There's a few things we need to work through.' He says and I look at him. 'First you have to start believing in yourself and the love your family has for you. I have been to a few functions and parties at your home and it is clear that they all adore you. Do they tell you that they love you?' I nod. 'So we just have to get you to accept that love.'

'I do know that they love me but I'm worried that they only love me because of my mommy and daddy.'

'Matt, Grace delivered you. She will have fallen in love with you as soon as she saw you. She might have chosen the others but she's been in your life since day one and probably helped your mommy through her pregnancy.' He says gently and I look at him.

'Christian says that. He also said he loved me from the first time he saw me on the day I was born.' I say and John looks at me surprised. 'Yes my brother can be loving. He's not like how the media portray him. When I was small mommy used to tell mom off for spoiling me all the time, actually when mommy and daddy were alive the two families spent so much time together it was like having two moms and dads around all the time. Christian was really close to my daddy, he said he went off the rails when they died. According to Elliot Christian hero worshipped my daddy and he reckons my relationship with Christian is similar and that I hero worship him.'

'Do you think that?'

'I've always looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Even from an early age I wanted to do the same as him, playing the piano, kickboxing, rowing. He's always had so much patience with me, teaching me things, taking me to music lessons or to kickboxing. Driving me to school when mom and dad were working. He's always been there for me. I was supposed to go to California surfing in a few weeks but ended up in hospital with glandular fever and a ruptured spleen but before that happened he said he would help me learn to cope on my own without mom and dad around so that I would be happy being away without them in the room next door. He had me sleeping over at his apartment and I'm happy staying there now.'

'Christian said you are going away tomorrow.'

'Yes, I'm now going to Hawaii with Hannah and Mia. Dad says I'm taking Mia as a comfort blanket because she knows me so well. Hannah is aware of this and is more than happy. She realises that I need lots of rest so Mia will keep her company whilst I sleep. I'm excited about going away but there's also a bit of fear in me as well.'

'There often is with anyone who is doing things like this for the first time so you are not alone. This is a good opportunity for you to start working at your fear of change and also sticking to the things that you know. I'd like you if possible to try something new each day and keep a diary of what it is. It could be something simple like trying a different flavour of ice cream, wearing flip flops instead of converse, trying a new restaurant and something different off the menu. Do you think you could do that?'

'Yes, in a way I've sort of started this. Mom was going to give the housekeeper a list of everything I would eat but I said not to and I would just try what everyone else was having.' I say.

'That's good but have what you like in the fridge or freezer as a back up. I want you to feel comfortable whilst trying these new things but not get to the stage of you panicking if you don't like what you're trying. Remember small steps and eventually you'll get there. Some days you might slip back into what you're familiar with so just mark that in your diary and we can then work out why you had days like that.'

'OK, that doesn't sound so bad.' I say smiling at him.

'Also I want you to research Cambridge University. Look at the courses and colleges. Decide what you want to do and which college you want to apply to.' He says and I nod. 'I'd like you to come and see me when you get back from Hawaii. We can have a look together at what you've come up with and if you want I can help you with the application, it's not easy getting an offer to study there.'

'OK thanks, that would be great. I get back a week on Friday so shall I come and see you two weeks today.'

'Yes, that will give you the weekend with your family so continue with the new item diary. Here's my card, while you're away if you want to call me you can. If I'm not available leave me a message and I'll get back to you. We've spoken about accepting the love, change and new things and also about the future. I think that's enough for you to work through for the next two weeks. Next time we'll see how you're progressing and maybe we'll touch on the guilt that you've been feeling. How does that sound?'

'Good. I feel more optimistic already.' I say happily.

'That's good. Remain positive and remember those small steps and you'll get there eventually. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?' John asks.

'No, not that I can remember. I'm going to write a list for next time so that I don't forget. Oh one thing, did Christian say he would pay you?' I ask.

'Yes, he said just to add any appointments to his bill. Is that OK with you?' he asks.

'Yes for todays and then can you send the bill to me. He pays me enough and I'd rather not take his money for granted. I'd rather he didn't know absolutely everything that's going on in my life and if you send him the bill then he'll know when and how many times I've been.'

'I understand and that isn't a problem.' He says as I stand from the sofa and shake his hand.

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome. Enjoy your holiday. See you in two weeks.' He says as he shows me out.

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