When I wake I feel totally relaxed again. Dawn is just breaking and I lie for a while enjoying the peaceful calm as the room gets brighter with the sunrise. Eventually I rise and head downstairs. I wander in and out of every room again. The blackberry in my hand buzzes and I look at it and see it's Christian. 'Reply when you read this.' Is all the text says. I check my other messages. There's a couple from Hannah, she's worried about me in the first one and the second just says she's going to bed, they were both sent late last night.

Mom has also texted. The one from last night reads. 'Christian told me where you are. Call me if you need anything. I love you. Night darling boy.' My eyes fill with tears, she still loves me even after dad probably told her what I'd done. She's obviously up early as there's another that she sent this morning. 'When you wake please let me know you're ok. Love mom x'

I sit on a large comfy sofa at the edge of the kitchen looking at my phone. Do I reply now or enjoy the peaceful calm before I have to communicate? First I reply to Hannah. 'I'm awake baby, let me know when you are. Sorry I wasn't with you last night. I'm looking forward to going on holiday today. I love you. Mx'

She replies instantly 'I've been so worried. Can't wait to see you and hug you. Love Hx' I smile at her reply, she loves me and doesn't seem cross that I wasn't with her last night.

Next I reply to mom. 'I'm awake, feeling good but just need some space.'

Finally I reply to Christian. 'I'm awake.' My phone vibrates and I answer.

'Morning Christian.' I say cheerfully.

'Morning little bro, you seem happy.' He says.

'I had a good nights sleep.' I reply.

'Good. I spoke to mom last night, she's upset.' Christian says. I gulp and breathe deeply, I didn't want to upset mom. 'She thinks she's going to lose you.'

'No' I say quietly.

'Matt, obviously dad told her what happened in his study and she's worried about the two of you.' He says gently. I don't reply, I just sit quietly. 'Matt, talk to me.'

'I'm not sorry I shouted, he shouted first.' I say stubbornly.

'You need to speak to each other.'

'No, I can't see him. He doesn't want me.' I say. 'He's never liked me, he's always been so tough on me. He doesn't love me.'

'Matt, you know that's not true.' Christian says.

'It's what I think at the moment. His words last night hurt Christian, my angry words were just questioning him they weren't directed at him personally like his to me.' I say.

'Oh Matt, you're hurting.' He says.

'Yes I am but I'll get over it. I've got to be tougher and if people hurt me then I'll just block them out so that they can't hurt me again.' I say.

'So you're going to block dad out of your life.'

'At the moment yes.' I mutter. 'Christian, if I let it get to me like it might have done in the past I would be in a 'no words' situation right now and it would be a bad one, a really bad one. I've found a new way of dealing with it that suits me at the moment and it's probably preferable to those that still want me to talk. Maybe I shouldn't have lost my temper and yes I need to control it but at least I can still speak normally to everyone else but dad.'

'Will you at least talk to mom soon?' he asks.

'Yes, when I feel able to without getting upset.' I say.

'Shit Matt, I know this is preferable to 'no words' and I'm glad you're speaking to me but you sound so cold and distant. I thought you'd jump at the chance to talk to mom.' He says.

'I don't want to upset her or me so will wait until I can control that. Did you talk much to her last night?' I ask.

'No, I just told her where you were and she said how worried she was and I said I would speak to you.' He says.

'She told me about Emily Grace.' I whisper.

'It was a sad time.' He whispers back and I know he's upset thinking about it. 'She was tiny, beautiful, perfect.'

'She would have been sixteen in just under three weeks.' I say.

'Fuck' he says after a quiet few moments. 'Matt, I'll call you back. I need to speak to mom.' And he clicks off. I look at the blackberry and then toss it onto the sofa. I wonder what was so important.

Christian hasn't called back after ten minutes so I shove the phone in my pocket and head to the room that was mommy's office. I stand and look at the framed pictures of my houses paying particular attention to the one in Hawaii where I will be later today. Next I glance at everything on the floor to ceiling shelves, books, photo albums, magazines with the same title and then boxes. I find one that has a Matty label stuck to it. Sitting at the desk I carefully open it up. Inside are lots of drawings that I must have done, some with my childish scrawl on. Mommy has carefully written on the back of them dates, places and sometimes a few lines. I take my time looking at each one and reading her comments and by the time I get to the bottom of the box and the last picture I am in tears. I put them all back exactly as I found them and then return the box back to the shelf.

I feel my phone vibrate and taking it out of my pocket I look at the screen. It's Christian, I click to answer.

'Matt, are you OK?'

'Yes' I say.

'Have you been crying?' he asks. How does he know?

'Yes.'

'What's upset you?' he asks.

'I'm in mommy's office and I was just looking at something.' I say. 'I'll be OK in a minute.'

'We've been trying to call you. Mom was worried that you're avoiding her by not answering. You didn't even answer Hannah's call.' He says.

'Sorry, I was lost in what I was doing.' I say quietly.

'Please will you call mom? When you texted her earlier you didn't even write 'Love Matt' or whatever you use to sign off with her. She's hurting Matt.'

'I'll call her now, it wasn't intentional. What was so important that you had to call her?' I ask.

'I'll let mom tell you but I've moved the wedding back by two weeks. Ana is fine with it and my reasons why. Mom will explain.' He says mysteriously. What is so important that he has delayed his wedding for and he abruptly stopped our conversation earlier.

'OK, I'll call her then.' I say sulkily.

'Don't sulk.' He says. 'Call mom and then I'll speak to you later.' He clicks off not giving me chance to reply. I look at the phone and sigh. I'd better get this over with so hit the speed dial button to mom.

'Darling.' She says as she answers straight away.

'Mom' I whisper.

'Are you OK?' she asks.

'Yes.' I say quietly. 'I'm sorry if I upset you mom, I didn't mean to.'

'Will you come here for breakfast?' she asks.

'Is he still there?' I ask.

'If you mean your dad then yes he's here, he's just in the shower.' Mom says.

'I'll stay here then mom. I can't be there with him.' I murmur.

'Oh darling. He's sorry.' Mom says.

'He hurt me mom. He didn't want me there.' I say as I stand and move to the room at the back of the house with the piano. I sit at the stool and lift the lid as mom talks.

'He regrets what he said darling.' Mom says.

'I'm sure he does mom but I can still hear the words going round and round in my head.' I say putting her on speaker and placing the phone on top of the piano. I press a key.

'You're sat at the piano.' Mom says.

'Yes mom.' I say.

'Play for me.' She says and I start to play Canon in D major for her, one of her favourites. 'That was beautiful darling.' Mom says as I finish and slowly put the lid down.

'Are you crying mom?'

'Only because it was beautiful.' She says.

'I'll come and hug you mom, I love you. I don't want you upset. Meet me at the gate in the wall.' I say and go into the garden, locking the door behind me. I run across the grass and through the trees to unlock the gate and mom is waiting for me. I envelope her in a hug as her tears flow. 'Shhh mom. Please, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry.' I pull her tightly to my chest and she hugs me back. I kiss the top of her head. 'I'm so sorry mom.' I whisper.

'Hey, what's the matter?' mom asks pulling away slightly. I shrug my shoulders. 'Swing seat' she says and I nod. She takes my hand and leads me there and once we're sat she looks at me questionably.

'I don't think I deserve to be in this family.' I whisper.

'Oh darling, what's brought this on?' mom asks.

'Mom look at me. I punched Christian, then I shouted at dad. I'm not good enough and don't deserve the love you give me.' I say as I look away from mom to the view of the city. 'I hurt those that are close to me and I even killed my mommy and daddy. They should still be alive today.' I add as I turn to look at her and see the shock on her face. 'Mom, I've never told you this before but mommy tried to hug me when they dropped me at nursery that morning. I wriggled out of her arms to run off and play. If I'd stayed for a few more minutes to hug her they wouldn't have been on the bridge at that moment. It's all my fault. I don't deserve to be happy and have your love. If it wasn't for me you and dad would still have your best friends.' I stand and walk to the shore, staring at the water through a blur of unshed tears. Eventually I sit and hug my knees. Everyone will hate me now. I have a quick glance behind me and mom is no longer on the swing seat. She has left me all alone. The tears finally fall.

Hi All, Thank you so much for reading. If you have time please leave a review, thanks to those that already leave them regularly or PM me, you are the reason I carry on writing as it's good to read your words after each chapter. The wedding has been delayed by two weeks in my story because after re-reading the original trilogy and working out dates from emails between Ana and Christian the time from Christian's birthday to the wedding date was actually 6 weeks and not a month. Enjoy your day, happy reading. Best Wishes Mx