Chapter 4 - Unwell

Ted sat on the small love seat in front of the window of his childhood home. He continued to stare at the slightly wrinkled envelope in his hands, scarcely believing it could be real. How could she know?, he wondered. How could she know that I need her now more than ever? His gaze lingered on his name, written in her flowing script on the envelope, debating. Finally, his need for her outweighed his fear of what the letter might say, and he carefully opened the envelope.

Ted

Hi again. Bet you didn't expect this, did you? Well, as you know, I am full of surprises, even beyond the grave. If you have this letter in your hands, it means you have reached bottom. I left this letter with Robin, knowing it would be her that would confront you when you were at your lowest, probably spurred on by Penny and Luke. Ted, I know this is hard, and I can't imagine the pain that you are going through. But I do know you, my Teddy Bear. I know that you are probably holding on by the barest of threads, and you feel like your life has ended, but you are persevering for our kids. Its time, sweetie, to be a little selfish. I have arranged a couple of things for you. First , I have arranged for Lily, Marshall and Robin to take care of the kids for a month. Penny knows about this, as she helped ask her aunts and uncle to help. This is open ended, triggered only by your affirmative response to the rest of this letter. I have booked an open ended charter flight around the world. You can take it to see your favorite architecture sights, old and new. But only one month. Barney will be going with you to make sure you are ok. I know, you would just say you are fine and not to worry, but I do. The second thing is this. When you get home, you need to see a grief counselor. This is not an option. You need the help. I know you better than you know yourself, Teddy, so I know you need it. In the envelope, you will find the card of a very good counselor. She is the same woman I used when Max died. She will help guide you through. But you have to promise me to work hard, my love. I'm counting on you, Penny and Luke are counting on you, your friends and their kids are counting on you, and that future special someone is counting on you. I'm not going to harp on about this, but I know first hand how tough it is to move on. It took me 6 years to date again after Max. Don't rush things, but get better so you can have the life you deserve. I love you.

Tracy

Ted wiped the tears from his eyes, took the business card out of the envelope, replaced the letter in the envelope, gave it a kiss, and went up to bed.

January 2027

Ted sat staring out the window of the small jetliner that he had been on with Barney for the last month, visiting places like the Millau Viaduct in France, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, and Kingdom Tower in Saudi Arabia. If he was honest with himself, he had enjoyed seeing these great architectural feats, but was still missing his Tracy, and now missing his kids. He had talked to them every day, but it just wasn't the same as being there to hold them, tell them stories, or tuck them in at night. Barney was excited too, because he was missing Ellie, and he was glad to be done with architecture, which he found incredibly boring.

"Ted, I love ya, bro, but if I never see another bridge or skyscraper or church, I will die happy."

"Barney, you live on the Island of Manhattan. Which is full of skyscrapers and churches, and, since it's an island, is connected to a bunch of bridges," Ted smirked.

"Dammit, Ted. Logic not allowed."

They continued their good-natured bickering as they exited the plane and walked across the tarmac towards the terminal. After they had gone through customs, they went to the waiting area, where they were greeted with a rush of noise.

"DADDY!" three small voices proclaimed in unison. Penny and Luke rushed towards Ted, and Ellie tackled her father to the ground. Marshall, Lily, Robin and the other three cousins hung back and watched the scene unfold, laughing.

"Oh, I missed you guys so much," Ted said as he squeezed his kids tighter to him.

"Dad, we talked to you this morning," drawled 11 year old Penny.

Luke piped in before Ted could. "It's not the same, though, Pen. Now we can get hugs, and bedtime stories, and see him whenever we want."

Penny smiled at her little brother, "You're right, Luke. I did miss the hugs."

HIMYM

Later that night, after all the kids had been put down for the night, the adults gathered in the study to talk. They had all planned to stay the night this first night.

"So, what was your favorite part?", asked Robin

"Well, I liked the Tokyo Skytree," said Ted. "I liked the simple, yet elegant lines, and the multipurpose use of it."

"What about you, Barney? What was your favorite thing on the trip?"

"Yvette."

Lily slapped him on the arm at the same time as Robin on his other side, Marshall tried to look anywhere but at Barney, and Ted smirked into his scotch glass. They chit-chatted for a little longer, when Robin cleared her throat. Everyone turned to her, and she said, "Ted, we're all glad you're back, but I have to ask you. What about the second part of the letter? Are you gonna call tomorrow?"

Ted looked at Robin thoughtfully, and replied, "I feel so much better, though. I don't really think-"

"Ted, no. You are not backing out of this. You need this. Your kids need you back. We need you back,"Lily said with tears in her eyes.

He looked around at his little family, and knew there would be no getting away from this. He bowed his head in defeat, and promised to call tomorrow.

6 months later

Looking back, Ted knew that everyone had been right. He had needed this. He had never fully accepted that Tracy was gone, and had forgotten to live his own life. He was happy to be here for what would be his final appointment. Sharon had been a marvelous counselor, and though he had been skeptical and frankly downright rude in the beginning, they had developed a good rapport.

"Ted, come on in."

"Hey, Sharon, how are you today?"

"Good, good. Sit. Now Ted, today is a big day. You said you feel like this could be your last appointment here. What makes you sure you're ready?", Sharon asked, pen and clipboard in hand.

Ted took a moment to gather himself, looked to his new friend, and began to speak. "Sharon, when I came here six months ago, I was nearly gone. It had been just over two years since my wife's death, and I was not handling it well. I had huge reservations that this could ever work for me, but I can tell you, it has. I have finally accepted that Tracy is gone. I can say her name in casual conversation without crying. The other day, I even checked out a woman. Not that I am ready to date, far from it. But I never thought I would look at any woman in that way again. My kids are happier and more well adjusted now than they were six months ago. My twelve year old Penny told me the other day that she feels as if her dad is back. I will admit, I did cry at that. The most important thing though, Sharon, the thing that lets me know that I am going to be ok? I can smile again and not feel like I am betraying Tracy. Every time I would smile or laugh before I would feel a soul-crushing guilt, as if by letting a little bit of sunshine into my life I was spitting on Tracy's grave. But now, now I know. Now I know that it will be okay, that she isn't in pain anymore, and I don't have to be either. Not that I don't still feel the pain of her death, but it seems less. More manageable."

Sharon looked up at Ted and smiled. "One more question. Is it still okay to feel sad about Tracy sometimes?"

Ted grinned at Sharon and with conviction, replied, "Absolutely. As long as I don't live there."

Sharon put the clipboard down on the small table beside her chair, stood up, and held out her hand. Ted grabbed it, and then pulled Sharon in for a hug. It was because of this woman's patience and understanding that he was no longer living in the cell of his grief. Yes, he still grieved his beloved, and would always do so, and would still shed many a tear over her, but now he knew, he just knew that he was ready to be alive again, to be a real dad to his kids. And a true friend to the four other people who meant the world to him. He released the hug, and sat back down, as did Sharon.

"Ted, I am ready to let you go out and fight this fight on your own. Remember, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be mad, it's okay to grieve. Just don't become a prisoner to it. I'm always here if you feel you need to talk again." With that, Sharon walked Ted out into the waiting room, and into the rest of his life.

HIMYM

Later that night, Ted found himself alone with the yellow umbrella again, crying. He knew he shouldn't have picked up the umbrella, but it looked so alone in the corner, and he felt so alone without her. As he finished crying, he wiped his eyes, and looked at the umbrella. It was just an umbrella again. It didn't hold the spirit of his dead wife, anymore than the lamp or the chair. It was just a symbol. He put the umbrella back in the corner where it belonged, feeling as if a small weight had lifted. He still had more weights to deal with, but the umbrella would not hold any power over him anymore. He turned out the lights, looked at the umbrella once more, and smiled. I'm getting there, my love… I'm getting there.