A/N: Thanks for all of the support and reviews. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations!
Jay had flat out refused to leave Erin's bedside once Natalie had allowed them to come see Erin. Natalie had told them that Erin's body was healing and she would wake up when she was ready. Even though Erin was still asleep, everyone on the team had wanted to at least check in on her. After spending a few minutes with her, Hank, Antonio, Atwater, Olinsky, Ruzek, Roman, and Kim had all found spots so they could get as comfortable as possible in the small waiting area. Not one word was spoken about leaving the hospital. The bastard who had done this to Erin was dead, so there was no other place in the world they needed to be.
"I'm going to walk down and pick up everyone some dinner, can I get you anything?" Antonio asked quietly as he poked his head in Erin's room. Jay shook his head, not looking at Antonio. He had Erin's hand in his hands. "Jay, you need to eat." Jay shook his head again before finally turning towards to Antonio. Antonio was shocked as he took in Jay's face. Jay's eyes were bright red and there were still traces of tears in his eyelashes. He had never seen Jay cry before.
"I can't eat." Jay sounded so lost. Antonio felt a pang of guilt as he realized that no one had really checked in with Jay. They had all been in such a fog of disbelief since arriving at Chicago Med that no one had asked Jay how he was handling all of this.
"Jay. You know this isn't your fault." Antonio stepped into the room and knelt down next to Jay. "You did nothing wrong." He put his hand on Jay's leg as a lone tear rolled down Jay's face. Jay and Antonio locked gazes and the pain and guilt that was reflected in Jay's eyes made Antonio's heart hurt. "You did nothing wrong." Antonio repeated. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Jay was feeling.
"This is my fault." Jay whispered as he glanced back at Erin's prone form. He just kept picturing her as he smashed his shoulder through the door. He kept seeing the pool of blood between her legs. He could still hear the screams of pain as they transferred her to the stretcher. They were the images and sounds that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"No." Antonio said forcefully. "This is absolutely not. You have to believe that." Jay's head dropped to his chest as another tear fell. Jay felt like he had been broken into a million pieces. Antonio made a gut decision and grabbed Jay and pulled him down on the floor with him. Jay grabbed onto Antonio and sobbed into his chest. Antonio just held Jay as he cried. It was almost twenty minutes before the tears stopped falling. "You keep telling yourself this isn't your fault because this isn't your fault. When you can't tell yourself that it isn't your fault, you call me. I'll tell you again that this isn't your fault." Antonio helped Jay to his feet. Jay didn't even know how to respond or how to thank Antonio for what he had just done for him. There weren't words to express Jay's gratitude. "I'm going to bring you back a burger and you're going to eat it." Antonio gave Jay one last hug, looked over at Erin, and strode out of the room.
"You should listen to him." Erin's voice was extra raspy but still the most beautiful sound to Jay's ears. Her hands had tightened into fists on the bed but her eyes remained closed. Jay wasn't sure how long she had been awake but he hoped she hadn't heard or seen the fiasco that was him being a sobbing mess on the floor. He couldn't fall apart like that again. Erin needed someone who would be strong.
"Oh my God, Erin!" Jay leapt to his feet as he out to hug Erin. His mind flashed back to Erin flinching away from him and he snatched his arms back to his chest before he made contact with her. "How are you feeling?" He could have smacked himself for asking such a stupid question.
"Hurts." She admitted, knowing that she couldn't get away with telling Jay that she was okay. It felt like she had been run over by a truck. She knew that her wounds had been stitched because the agonizing, white-hot pain had been replaced with a constant throbbing pain. Erin knew that she had to be in some form of shock. She had flashes of things that were coming back but big chunks in the past day were missing in her brain. She wasn't sure if she should be, but she was grateful for the blanks right now. She knew she had been raped. A shudder ran through her and her whole body went ice cold as soon as she thought the word rape. She knew it was stupid thinking but she was really hoping this was some sick and twisted nightmare and she was going to wake up in Jay's arms.
"I'll get the doctor." Jay stood up and poked his head out of Erin's door to flag down the nearest nurse. The nurse said she would page Dr. Manning immediately and Jay came and sat back down next to Erin. Jay laced his fingers together as he sat down in the chair next to Erin's bed. Jay had a million things he had wanted to say to Erin but none of them sounded right. He wanted to tell Erin how incredibly sorry he was but nothing sounded right. He wanted to tell Erin how much he loved her but the words wouldn't leave his lips.
"He's dead, right?" Erin asked after a moment of silence. She had this blank in her memories that lasted from when Jay came bursting through the door to when she woke up in the ambulance. She was partly glad about the spots she didn't remember because it was her brain protecting her from the worst of the pain and images.
"Yes. I shot him." Jay's voice dropped deeper on the word him. Jay still wished that he hadn't killed Pete so that he could take him somewhere that no one would ever hear his screams. He wanted Pete Damien to pay for the heinous crime that he had committed. Jay had a list a mile long of things he wanted to do to Pete. He would have to settle for the fact that Pete was dead. Erin just nodded.
"Hey Erin!" Natalie kept her voice soft but cheerful as she walked into the room. "I'm sorry but I'm going to need to take a look and make sure the bleeding has stopped. Do you want Jay to be in the room?" Natalie pulled on a pair of gloves while she waited for a response from Erin. She hated having to poke and prod, but she knew she had to check. "I can give you something for the pain." Erin nodded to that and Natalie quickly typed a different number into IV machine that was attached to Erin.
"Please don't go." Erin pleaded as she opened her eyes and looked up at Jay. She held her hand out and Jay grasped it back, hard, trying to send Erin all of the strength that he could. This handhold was a lifeline to stability for Erin right now. Erin fastened her gaze on Jay as Natalie carefully moved the sheets. Once Natalie was done, she was going to tell him he could leave. He didn't have to stay and pity her. She didn't want to make him suffer through this with her. She wanted Jay by her side more than anyone else in the world but she didn't want him to feel obligated.
"I'm not going anywhere." Jay replied firmly. He knew he would be repeating these words a lot but he meant it with every ounce of his being. Unless Erin told him to get lost, he planned on staying by her side. He knew just how stubborn Erin could be but he wasn't going to let her run him off because she was scared of being a burden. He didn't care if that meant they never slept in the same bed again, he loved Erin and would do whatever she needed to recover.
"Are you ready?" Natalie asked after a few seconds. Erin jerked her head once to acknowledge that she was ready but her gaze didn't waver from Jay's face. Erin's eyes widened once Natalie moved the sheets away. Erin's second hand flailed and reached out for Jay as Natalie started checking. Her grip was like a vice as her breaths starting coming in quicker. "Okay honey, I'm done. The bleeding has stopped." Natalie snapped her gloves off and threw them in the trash.
"Am-Is, what's wrong with me?" Erin stuttered out the question. She still felt so dazed and her brain didn't want to form words or sentences. She tightened her grip even harder on Jay as Natalie helped move Erin's legs back together. It felt like she was being ripped apart every time her legs were moved.
"Well, you have a total of 48 stitches." Natalie started off with the easy news. She wasn't sure how much Erin wanted to know right now. Erin was a detective and one of the toughest people she knew but it was different this time. Natalie knew that Erin could handle the gruesome details of what happened to a victim but this was her own body and she was the victim this time.
"Is, was anything broken?" Erin wasn't even sure what to ask to get the correct answers. She took a deep breath to steady herself against the pain so she could try to think straighter. She could feel the extra pain medication flowing through her veins and she knew she was going to be sucked back under soon but she wanted to know. She already had this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach but she needed to hear the words.
"That is kind of a complicated answer." Natalie answered honestly. She knew exactly what Erin was asking but she didn't know if Erin was ready for this yet. She knew that Erin was a tough as nails detective and had always asked to be given the news, no matter how bad.
"Please, be honest." Erin bit down on her lower lip to try to stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. She was not one to have the news sugar coated and she needed to know the honest truth. She needed to hear the words. She needed to know.
"I'm really sorry, but there was a lot of damage to your cervix. We had to stitch your cervix in several places and," Natalie had to pause, trying to pull her emotions in, "You will never be able to have children."