Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so far apart! Here's the next chapter. Trigger warning for rape.
He was holding her down as he thrust his hips forward, the pain exploding inside of her. Her hands were trapped, tied behind her back as she struggled to get free. She tried to push her body down into the bed but he just clenched his hands tighter around her hips. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to take herself away from what was happening. The fire inside her burned hotter and hotter. She was a trained detective with the Chicago Police Department. She was supposed to be able to fight him off. She wasn't supposed to let this happen. This wasn't supposed to happen.
Jay felt a tear make its way down his cheeks as he watched Erin flail in the bed in front of him. He knew exactly what Erin was reliving in that nightmare. He wanted to snatch her in his arms and hug her and kiss away the pain, but he knew that would make it worse. "Erin, you are safe. I am here. You're safe." Jay still had no clue if he was saying anything close to the right thing to say but he hoped he was close. Jay felt his heart shattering as Erin let out a gut-wrenching scream and shoved at the air in front of her. It was like Erin had actually pushed the air out of Jay's lungs instead of the air in front of her. He couldn't even imagine the terror and fear that Erin must be feeling. "You're safe."
"Jay?" Erin's voice was extremely raspy as her eyes snapped wide open. Tears were pouring down her face as she grabbed onto the edges of the bed. Her breaths came in pants as she cried. The pain that she had felt in her nightmare didn't disappear like his face did when her eyes opened. The events of the past day came rushing back into her brain. She remembered that she was in the hospital. She remembered that the pain in her groin wasn't going anywhere. She remembered exactly what happened that put her in the hospital.
"I'm here. You're safe. You're okay." Jay reached for Erin's hands. Erin had said it was okay for him to hold her hands. Erin laced her fingers through Jay's fingers as she started to get control over her breathing. She tried to remind herself that it was just a nightmare and Damien was dead. "You're okay." Jay added one more time.
"I can't have babies." Erin bit her lip as she started to cry harder and her breathing started to pick up. Dr. Manning had promised Jay that she would come back and explain more in details when Erin was ready for the details. Jay knew that the time hadn't come yet. It was definitely something in the front of both of their minds but the truth was going to be harsh and Erin needed to be stable.
"We'll figure it out." Jay didn't care about the nonexistent babies right now. He definitely wanted to have children with Erin but the priority was Erin's recovery. Jay knew that children were not anywhere on the horizon and that was okay with him. He needed Erin to take care of herself and try to start moving past this first.
"Why do you want to be with me? I'm so disgusting. I'm so broken." Erin had gotten herself all worked up. She was sobbing and her breath was coming in gasps. She let go of one of Jay's hands and placed it on her chest. Her heart felt like it might race out of her chest. She could take a bleach shower and she'd still be filthy. She couldn't wait until she was allowed to get in the shower. She wanted to turn the water up as hot as it would go and just stand in the shower for days.
"Take a deep breath baby. You are not disgusting. You are not broken. I want to be with you because I love you." Jay knew that it would take a long time before Erin believed the words that he was saying but he didn't care if he repeated them a hundred, a thousand, or a million times, he would say them until she truly believed him.
"I am broken." Erin choked out as tears streamed from her eyes. "Can you get Hank?" She looked down at her toes, hoping that Jay didn't feel hurt that she was asking for someone else. She just needed to talk to Hank. Hank had been with her through some of the toughest times of her life.
"Of course!" Jay said without a second of hesitation. He understood that Erin viewed Hank as her father figure and had leaned on him many times before. He jumped to his feet and hurried from the room. He knew that Hank was down in the waiting room along with the rest of the team. No one could bring themselves to leave until Erin was able to leave. It was an unspoken bond of security and family. Everyone loved Erin like a sister and considered her a close friend. She was the first to step up when someone needed a helping hand and now she was in need of a helping hand. They all wanted to be here in case there was something they could do to help.
"Voight?" Jay walked into the waiting room and spotted him. He was standing near the small window in the waiting area. His arms crossed across his chest as he gazed intently out the window. Hank turned to look at him and strode over to him. Jay glanced around the rest of the room as he spoke to Hank. Burgess was asleep with her head on Ruzek's shoulder. Ruzek was snoring quietly. His head leaned back against the wall. Antonio was scrolling through his phone but had stopped and looked up once Jay had walked in the room. Atwater was also sleeping, curled up in the corner chair. Roman had a magazine opened in his lap but he was staring off into space. Olinsky had a blank look on his face, like he was still in shock. He didn't even look up when Jay came in.
"Erin wants to see you." Jay whispered to Hank. He had barely finished the sentence and Hank had left the room, heading towards Erin's room.
"Hey sweetheart." Hank knocked on the door as he entered. He wasn't normally one for nicknames, but it seemed appropriate given the circumstances.
"Hank." Erin greeted Hank in her normally raspy voice. Hank felt his heart pang as he took in Erin's appearance. Her eyes were bright red and tears still filled the bottom of her eyes. Her skin was pale and she was sweaty. Her hair was plastered against her face and her eyes were missing the normal sparkle they held.
"How are you?" Hank sat down in the chair that Jay had left right next to the bed. "The real answer." Hank gave Erin a look that said that lying was not going to cut it. Hank had known Erin for fifteen years and knew that Erin was notorious for trying to hide her feelings. He had spent years learning how to poke and prod her to get her to open up about her emotions.
"I feel so disgusting. I just, I feel so broken. I feel dirty and used. I don't know how Jay or anyone is going to ever look at me the same way again." Erin let out a sob as she opened up to Hank. "I, I'm a detective. How did I let this happen?"
"Let's get one thing straight Erin. You did not let this happen. This was not your fault. No one thinks any less of you. This was not your fault." Hank knew that rape victims blamed themselves and that all he could do is keep providing comfort and affirmation to Erin that she was not at fault for this. Hank didn't plan on letting Erin go down this road alone. He knew that Jay wouldn't leave Erin's side and he didn't plan on it either.
"I can't do this." Erin threw her hands up over her eyes and started to cry again. She felt so lost and weak. She didn't know how she was going to get through this. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to survive this.
"You're going to get through this. You're going to be okay. This was not your fault." Hank wanted to console Erin by giving her a hug but he just had to rely on his words. He had said these words to countless rape victims but the words felt like they were stuck on his tongue when it was Erin. Erin was all but his daughter. It was the worst feeling to know that he couldn't take this pain away from Erin. He would put the pain on himself if he could.
"I'm not strong enough." Erin whimpered as she wrung her hand together. Hank had never seen Erin look so beaten and broken. Erin had gone through years of neglect from her mother and drug abuse and she'd come through it. She was tougher than nails. Hank knew that she could come through this. It might take days, months, or years, but Hank knew that Erin was going to recover.
"I need to know, please?" Erin was all but begging Natalie for some more answers. Natalie had just finished checking on the progress of the healing. Erin had spent three days in the hospital. She was finally starting to get control over the pain and the shock was finally starting to wear off. Erin had been in and out of consciousness, fighting off nightmares, panic attacks, and now an infection. They'd started Erin on some antibiotics after her heart rate spiked and her temperature had started to rise but it meant that Erin wasn't going home any time soon. Erin had been really upset but had resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to convince anyone to let her go home.
"There was a lot of damage to your cervix, Erin." Natalie paused. She knew that Erin was asking to know but she still wanted to tread carefully. She never found giving information that was life altering got any easier. "Your uterus prolapsed and with the continued trauma," Natalie paused again, knowing that this was a lot to take in, "Your uterus had to be stitched to fix it and if you ever got pregnant, the scar tissue would not be able to successfully stretch with a baby's growth."
"Why?" Erin blurted out. She didn't know what else to say. She wasn't quite sure why she said it but she was at a loss. After all she had been through, this was just the icing on the cake. She turned to Jay, who was sitting in the chair next to her. She had a tight grip on his hands. Jay felt like his heart had been torn into a million tiny pieces. Erin did not deserve any of this.
"I am not sure why honey." Natalie wished she had the answers to tell Erin but she didn't. "It did explain why you were in such extreme pain. It was why you bled so badly." She knew that it wasn't any sort of consolation but she hoped that it would at least give her one solid explanation. She knew with rape, there weren't often a lot of rational, logical explanations with rape recovery and she wanted to provide Erin with at least one. Erin just nodded as more tears fell from her eyes. She thought she would surely have run out of tears but somehow the faucets in her eyes kept running. She felt the welcoming call of unconsciousness and she let it swim over her.