A/N: I hope you guys understand where I'm taking this story.
Erin had finally built up the courage to kick Jay out of her hospital room for a few hours. She knew that he needed to get into a real bed and catch a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. She was already anxiously for him to come back and he had walked out of the door only a few minutes ago. She found herself watching the door, hoping he would walk back through it. She absolutely hated this feeling of helplessness but she felt completely dependent on Jay and the safety she felt with him around. She knew from her own police training, that it was normal to attach to one person, but it felt completely different now that it was her. She sighed as she tried to relax, knowing Jay wouldn't be back for a while.
"Hey, is it alright if I come in?" Came a quiet voice as they knocked at the door. Erin knew that voice instantly.
"Of course." She attempted to sit up a little bit taller in the bed, ignoring the pain that flared when she moved.
"How ya doing?" Antonio sat down in the chair that Jay had vacated. Erin would have to thank Jay later for sending someone to sit with her so she wasn't alone. She knew eventually she would have to be alone, but right now, the thought of being alone made her throat close up and her head spin. Jay knew that there was a very short list of men that Erin would trust to be alone with but Jay had picked the right guy in his absence.
"Well, I'm here." Erin shrugged her shoulders. She had already disliked that question but she was really beginning to detest that question. What was she supposed to answer, that her vagina was completely and totally fucked up and unfixable? Was she supposed to tell someone that she could never have children? What was the right answer to this question?
"I know." Antonio said, his voice barely audible. Jay had given him the bare details but told him to stay with Erin until he got back. Jay said that he was just going to run home for a shower and to pack a few things. Jay couldn't stand to be away from Erin any longer than that; even if it meant spending another night sleeping huddled in a chair. "What's on your mind?"
"They told me," Erin wasn't sure how to get the words out. It was like they were stuck on her tongue. "They said, I, I can't, can't have kids." Tears started to well up in her eyes for what might have been the millionth time. It was like having every bone in her body broken at the same time as she uttered the words. It felt like every drop of blood had been sucked from her body. The words physically hurt her. She hated uttering them because maybe, just maybe, if she didn't say them, they weren't real.
"Oh Erin." Antonio felt his heart filling with sadness. This was not what he had expected Erin to say. Erin had been through so much heartbreak. First, with Nadia being killed only a few months ago and now, this. Erin was an amazing person full of compassion and love. He only hoped that she would rise above this and show that Lindsay strength he knew she had.
"Jay said he loves me. I just don't know why he wants to stay with me." Antonio had to stop himself from yelling, it's about time. He had known for a long that Jay loved Erin. Even when they hadn't been dating, it had been blatantly obvious the feelings they had for each other.
"Because he loves you." Antonio knew that wasn't the response Erin wanted but it was the first thing he could think of. "Seriously, Erin, that boy has loved you for a long time. I think he tried to deny it at first but I saw it. I think I saw it before him. He doesn't care that you might not have kids. He doesn't see you as broken or damaged. He loves you. When he talks about you, his eyes light up. He stares at you all the time. He wants to stand by you. He will love and support you through anything you need." Antonio had been the one to bring Jay into the unit and had an incredible amount of respect and love for his fellow detective. Erin just nodded, overcome with emotions.
"Thank you, Antonio." Erin wasn't sure what else to say. "Thank you." She was so thankful for her Intelligence Unit family. After a few moments of silence, she grabbed the television remote and turned it to a re-run of House Hunters. They sat, making comments here and there about the houses until Jay returned.
"Do you have any questions about your antibiotics or home care?" Natalie asked Erin as she handed a thick stack of papers to Erin. Erin was dressed in some loose fitting athletic pants and a t-shirt that Jay had brought from her apartment. She had texted Hank to let him know she was being released but she had told him to stay at work. Hank had given Jay the next three days off to stay with her and that left him two members down in his unit.
"No. I'm just ready to get home." Erin gave Natalie a small smile as she accepted the papers. She would be forever grateful for all that Natalie had done. Natalie had gone above and beyond for Erin and Erin would never forget that. Erin had already gingerly climbed into the wheelchair that she hadn't been able to talk her way out of riding in. She would have sprinted for the exit if she had been allowed. It had been almost fifteen days since she had been brought to the Emergency Room and Erin was all but climbing the walls of her room by the end of her stay.
"Let's get you home!" Jay kept his voice peppy. He knew that being at home would be a whole new set of nightmares and issues but he knew that Erin would feel much better once she was in her own bed. Within a few minutes, he had her settled in the passenger seat of the car and they were headed towards Erin's apartment. He felt a weight off the top of his heart as he put the hospital in the rearview mirror.
"I want to get in the shower." Erin announced as soon as she stepped through the threshold of her front door. Jay nodded. "Are you, are you staying? I mean, you don't have to," Her voice got lower and drifted off as she dropped her gaze to stare at her hands.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll watch some television until you're done. If you need help, just say my name." Jay answered. Erin brought her gaze back up and looked in Jay's eyes. She could see the sincerity in Jay's eyes. She nodded and headed towards her bedroom, ready to get the filth of the hospital off of her. Jay walked over and plopped down on the couch, watching Erin walk to the bedroom before turning on the television to some hockey game, letting his mind drift.
Once in the privacy of her own bathroom, Erin turned the knobs in the shower to start getting the water hot. She braced herself as she started to undress. She winced at the pulling pain in her groin, but it was manageable rather than breathtaking. Natalie had told her not to take a bath but a shower was fine. She felt the tears start to spill out as she took in the mess that was her body. The multicolored bruises scattered over her body and stood out against her pale skin. She turned away from the mirror, her head dropped in shame. She was so disgusting. She stepped into the shower, sighing in relief at the hot water. She turned so her face was close to the stream of water as sobs started to wrack her small frame. She wrapped her arms around herself as the water started to wash away the first layer of dirt. She cried harder and harder as every detail of what happened to her started to hit her. She slid down until she was curled in a ball on the floor of the shower. She let the water continue to flow over her, not caring as the almost scalding water hit her skin.
"Erin?" Jay used one knuckle to knock on the bathroom door. Erin had been in the shower for over an hour and he had grown more and more worried with each passing moment. She still had a few stitches and he was scared she might have hurt herself and been unable to get up. Suddenly, the sounds of Erin crying hit his ears and he felt his heart pang. He took a deep breath and made a split second decision to peek in the bathroom. He blinked back his own tears as he took in the scene in front of him. Erin was crumpled on the floor of the shower, crying. Her hands were covering her face and she made no sign that she had even heard Jay. He backed out and knocked on the door again. He heard Erin mutter a curse under her breath as the water splashed. "Erin, baby, do you need some help? I'll keep my eyes closed. I can just, I'll hold your hand and give you a towel. I can do whatever you need. I just, I want to help."
"You can come in." Erin's answer was so faint, Jay almost missed it. He kept true to his word and closed his eyes, feeling his way over to the shower door. He opened the door and held his hand out. "I'm broken." Erin sobbed as she reached for Jay's hand. Jay paused before deciding to do something rash. He stepped, fully clothed into the shower, grabbing the towel, as he wrapped Erin into her towel and pulled her into his lap. He let the water rush over both of them as he rocked her. After a few minutes, Erin started to relax and threw her arms around Jay as she pressed her face into his chest, more sobs ripping from her throat. Jay knew that this probably wasn't a breakthrough, so much as a gut reaction for Erin, but he would hold her for as long as she wanted. After almost twenty minutes, Erin's crying seemed to start to slow. He craned his arm back and turned the water off, getting to his feet with Erin still in his arms. He snatched a few extra towels off the rack and set Erin on the toilet, handing her the extra towels. He moved the pajamas that she had gotten closer to her and stepped back. He wasn't really sure where to go from here.
"I'm going to change my clothes really quick, okay? Once I come back, I won't look until you say you're dressed." He strode quickly from the room and stripped off his wet clothes as fast as he could. He walked back into the bathroom, re-dressed, within a minute but kept his back turned away from Erin. He wanted to respect Erin's boundaries as much as possible. He heard the rustling of clothes as Erin finished changing.
"I'm dressed." Erin's voice was raspier than normal, worn out by the crying. After her almost two hour stint in the shower, she was completely exhausted.
"Do you want me to carry you to bed?" Jay asked once he was facing Erin. He didn't want to overstep and wasn't sure if what happened in the shower counted. Erin hung her head again as she nodded. She wasn't sure her legs would support her weight and when Jay had held her in the shower, she felt a safeness that she hadn't since she was raped. There was something that Jay brought that made her feel completely secure. Jay moved slowly, not wanting to scare Erin as he picked her up and carried her over to the bed. "Feel better?" He asked once Erin was settled in the bed.
"I, I, I don't want to be alone." Erin was having trouble getting her sentences out. Jay nodded and knew instantly what she was asking. He snagged an extra pillow and blanket out of the closet and set up on the floor near Erin. He flipped the light switch on the wall before settling himself on the floor. He made a mental note to buy an air mattress at some point in the next few days. Erin's floor was cold and unforgiving but he would gladly sleep here for Erin. He didn't care if he slept on this floor for the next twenty years, so long as those nights were with Erin.
"Thank you." Erin's voice came after almost ten minutes in the dark. She still was trying to explain to herself why Jay wanted to be with her but she knew she loved him and he loved her. She let her eyes fall shut, trying to think about Jay's love for her as she drifted off.