A/N: I'm sorry I went so long without updating! I have had both the flu and the stomach bug in the last few weeks and am still recovering. Let me know what you think.
A blood curdling scream jerked Jay out of his sound slumber. His eyes snapped open as where he was and what was going on came rushing back to him. He struggled for a moment to free himself from his blankets and scrambled quickly to his feet. Erin was thrashing in her bed, her arms flailing as she fought off an attacker that only she could see.
"Erin!" Jay called to Erin, afraid to reach out and touch her and make it worse. He felt tears threatening to rise in his eyes as he watched her chest arch off the bed as she tried to free herself. "Erin, baby, please wake up!" He pleaded with her, hoping his voice would reach her. He looked at the clock, 3:25 AM. "You're safe. You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay." He kept trying to reassure her and hope his voice was reaching her in the darkness of her nightmare. Suddenly, her eyes flew open and she lurched forward, wrapping her arms tightly around Jay's chest. It took Jay a second to recover from his shock and he wrapped his arms around her. She was covered in sweat and shaking. "You're okay. It was a nightmare. You're safe."
"I hate this." Erin sobbed, tears soaking into Jay's shirt. It had been an incredibly vivid nightmare. She felt like she could feel him pushing her down on the bed, the weight of his body on top of hers. She could still feel the ice cold blade of the knife slicing through her shirt. She could still see the malice gleaming in his eyes as he leered over her. "Make it go away."
"I would in a heartbeat if I could. I'm so sorry Erin." Jay blinked hard, trying to make the tears in his eyes go away. He loved Erin so much and to see her suffer like this was breaking his heart. She was still shaking in his arms. Erin had come home from the hospital six days ago and every night had been full of being woken up by night terrors. It made his entire body ache for Erin and he wanted nothing more than to take this pain away from Erin. If only he'd been five minutes faster that day, none of this would have happened. "What can I do to help you?"
"I don't know." Erin whispered, her hands were still shaking but her heart rate was finally starting to even out. She didn't want to go back to sleep right now. The thought of closing her eyes and seeing his face again made the vomit rise in her throat. She used to love curling up in her bed after a long day at work but now, getting into bed was like willingly climbing into a bathtub full of acid. Every time she got into bed since being hurt meant waking up sweaty and terrified.
"Do you want me to go?" Jay asked, hoping that Erin would say no. He didn't want to be anywhere but here, but if Erin needed some space, he wanted to respect what she needed for her recovery. She hadn't wanted to be alone yet but Jay knew that there might be a time where she needed to be alone to sort out herself and the memories.
"No!" Erin half shouted as she clung tighter to Jay. The thought of him leaving was more than she could handle. "Can we watch television?" She asked after she felt like she could move again. She'd always felt so safe in Jay's arms and that feeling was starting to come back. She still flinched every time he touched her but she knew that Jay would never hurt her and she kept reminding herself of that.
"Of course!" Jay didn't care if Erin asked for him to hop on one foot and sing, if that was what made her feel better, than he would do it for her. "Do you feel like walking?" Erin nodded and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. She grabbed the blanket on top of her comforter and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Let me get you some socks!" Erin couldn't sleep with socks on but normally had on a pair of fuzzy socks until she got into bed. Erin managed to give Jay a small smile as he walked over to her dresser and found a pair. He slipped them on her feet quickly and shoved the air mattress out of the way so Erin could walk into the living room.
"You're amazing." Erin whispered as they got settled on the couch. Jay slowly and carefully tucked Erin underneath his arm. He checked to make sure that Erin was comfortable and let his arm rest on top of her. At 3:30 in the morning, most channels had switched to informationals, but he found an old episode of a cooking show that he didn't recognize. They were halfway through making some extravagant chocolate dessert that would only be served a restaurant that took up half of his paycheck. Maybe once Erin was more stable, he'd take her to one of those fancy restaurants.
"I love you." Jay answered and squeezed her a little bit closer, hating himself for it when she tensed up for a second before relaxing. He stared at the television screen but he was lost in his thoughts. He kept looking over at Erin to make sure she still looked comfortable. He was being extremely careful on what was on the television screen because he wasn't sure how she would handle a show like Law & Order: SVU where they talked about rape. He smiled when he realized about twenty minutes into the show that Erin's eyes had closed and her breathing had evened out. She'd been sleeping so little and any extra sleep was a fantastic thing. He flipped the station to find a baseball game and let his own eyes fall shut.
"I know you don't want to be here but I want to help you Erin." Dr. Charles smiled kindly over the top of his glasses as he held onto his coffee cup with both hands. Erin had agreed to meet him at a local coffee shop after constant pleading by Jay and Voight.
"I have never liked talking about my feelings." Erin answered honestly. Voight had all but twisted her arm to get her to agree to meet with Dr. Charles. It wasn't that she didn't like him, in fact, she thought he was a very respectable man, but it was the fact that he would be looking into her mind.
"I know, but here we are." Dr. Charles took a sip of his coffee. "How are you doing?" The way that his eyes pierced into Erin's meant that there was no giving a generic answer. Erin knew that she had to try to talk to Dr. Charles if she was going to get anything out of this session.
"I wish I knew how to answer this question." Erin mumbled after a few minutes. She felt like she had said 'I'm fine' more than she could count. Everyone kept asking her that when they saw her and treating her like she was a china doll that might fall over at any moment. She absolutely hated it and wanted her old life back. She looked down at her hands. She could see where she'd picked off the skin around her fingernails and she'd chewed her nails until they were nubs.
"How's your sleep?" Dr. Charles was going to let Erin give her own answers but Jay had come to him and let him know about the screaming and the nightmares.
"I'm not." Erin's sleep was deteriorating even further. She had slept seven hours in the last three days. She knew that there were dark circles under her eyes that no amount of concealer had touched. Dr. Charles clasped his hands together and rested his chin on them.
"Nightmares?" He knew it was an obvious question but a fear of sleeping could be almost as bad as the nightmares. Erin nodded, still not looking up from her hands. "Those are normal as I'm sure you know." Dr. Charles kept his voice gentle. He didn't want Erin to push him away. Erin nodded again.
"I just want to go back to normal." Erin spoke, her voice coming out like a sigh. She just wanted this to all go away. It was like her whole life had been shoved inside a bottle and shaken up.
"I know honey." Dr. Charles wished for that too. Erin had done so much good in her career as an officer and detective and didn't deserve this.
"How does someone move past this?" She asked after a few more minutes of silence. She wanted to get back to her job and joking around with Jay. She wanted to get back to sleeping and eating like a normal person. She wanted people to stop looking at her like she was broken. She wanted to be Erin Lindsay again, not this shell she'd become.
"It takes time and you have to keep opening up. Even if it's not me, I know that Gabby or Brett would be willing to talk to you." Dr. Charles had a lot of respect for the two paramedics that always went the extra mile. He knew that they had responded to the initial call and he knew he'd seen them hanging out at Molly's frequently. "You're going to get there. I know it's the first thing that is in your mind every time you wake up and it's consuming you right now, but you will move past this stage. I promise. You are going to get to a point where you wake up in the morning and it won't be the first thing you think about. You're going to get back to being a detective."
"I hope." Erin felt a tiny bit of hope, something she hadn't since she'd been attacked, with Dr. Charles words. Dr. Charles jumped when his phone started ringing.
"I'm so sorry Erin, for the first time, it's me that has to leave!" Dr. Charles cracked a small joke once he hung up the phone. They had an emergent psych evaluation on a patient who needed surgery immediately but they were not sure if she was of sound mind to make that decision.
"That's okay. Jay's just waiting outside." Erin looked out the window and could see Jay sitting in the car, scrolling through something on his phone. They paid for their coffees and walked out together.
"Promise me one thing Erin." Dr. Charles asked as he walked Erin over to her car. "You'll talk to someone and if you feel lost, you call me any time. You can call me at 2:30 AM or 4:45 AM or 5:00 PM or whenever you need me. If not me, call someone. I know everyone is here for you."
"I will." Erin promised genuinely. She knew that eventually Jay would have to go back to work and she'd be alone. She shuddered, trying to shake off that thought. She wasn't ready to be alone and she wasn't ready for Jay to be gone. She got in the car and looked over at Jay. She was desperate to drive but the doctor hadn't cleared her yet. She was still having trouble sitting up for long periods of time.
"Want to go home?" Jay asked, pulling out of the spot. He didn't want to pry about how her conversation had gone with Dr. Charles. He could see a tiny glimmer in Erin's eyes and that was the first time he'd seen that since she'd gone to the hospital.
"Um, can we just go by the precinct?" Half of Erin's mind said she wanted to go crawl underneath her bed and never come back out but the detective in her head kept nagging her to get out of the house. She regretted the words once she said them but she wanted to try. One day, she wanted to be able to get back to work and she knew that would be hard. She would have to go back to talking to victim's families and would she ever be able to not doubt that one of them was about to attack her? Would she ever feel safe again? Would she ever be able to be a detective again?
"Do you feel up to that?" Jay was floored at the suggestion. Erin hadn't wanted to leave the house or do anything before her talk with Dr. Charles. That would be a huge step in the right direction if she wanted to go try to be around people. Erin shrugged her shoulders. She definitely wasn't sure if she was ready but she was going to force herself to try. Jay smiled and turned towards the precinct. Erin felt weird being the passenger in her car but it was a good change of scenery from her bedroom wall.
"Erin!" Platt greeted Erin the second they walked through the door. Platt wasn't really sure if she should ask Erin how she was because that was a loaded question for someone who had been through what Erin had been through. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." She decided on after a second. Erin gave her a smile and thanked her before walking over to the stairs. Jay was hovering beside her, ready to help Erin if she needed him.
"Hey Erin!" Antonio greeted Erin after doing a double take at who was coming up the stairs. He jumped to his feet and walked towards Erin, stopping when he saw her shrinking back towards Jay. It was a punch in the gut that Erin felt unsecure around him. He stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets to hide his rage. That son of a bitch better be glad that he was dead because Antonio would have pummeled him otherwise. Everyone heard the name Erin and also got to their feet, not wanting to all advance on her at once, but happy to see Erin.
"I, I can't do this!" Tears sprung into her eyes and she turned towards Jay with fear in her eyes. "I'm sorry!" She squeaked as she rushed back down the stairs, ashamed and angry with herself for being so weak.
"It's okay!" Jay tried to comfort Erin as he hurried after her. She made it to the bottom of the stairs before he caught up with her. "Hey, it's okay. This is okay. You're allowed to feel this way." Tears were pouring down her face as she kept her face turned away from Jay. She lurched forward and cried into his chest. Jay saw Antonio peaking around the corner and he shook his head, knowing that seeing anyone else would just embarrass Erin further.
"I'm broken." Erin sobbed harder. She hated herself. She wasn't ever going to be right or be fixed. She was beyond fixing. She knew that.
"No, you're not. Erin, you're not broken. You're going to be okay." Jay affirmed. He couldn't even begin to understand how hard this was for Erin. He just was determined to be there for her. He held her tightly until her tears started to slow.
"Let's go home." Jay led Erin towards the front door, keeping Erin tucked into his side. Platt gave them a sympathetic look before turning back to her computer screen. She had such a soft spot for Erin and seeing her like this broke her heart. Jay hated himself for agreeing to bring Erin here. He should have known she wasn't ready and who knew how much this might set her back. He just kept thinking, if only he'd been five minutes earlier. Five minutes and he would have been able to prevent this.