A/N: Thank you for all the support. Let me know what you think! I can't wait for tomorrow's episode!
It had been a week since the failed attempt to visit the precinct and Erin had refused to leave the apartment. Jay didn't want to push her but he didn't want her to keep fearing every little thing that was beyond her door. She had drawn back into herself more and was struggling with the nightmares and the PTSD. Jay had set up a grocery delivery yesterday because he was scared to leave her alone and thankfully, Antonio had run by his apartment and dropped some clothes off at Erin's door, but he knew that Erin would have to leave eventually. Voight was giving Jay as much time with Erin as she needed but he was facing pressure from above that he was down two detectives in his unit.
"Baby, what if I invited Brett over?" Jay very quietly broached the subject with Erin. They had been settled on the couch watching an old romantic comedy. He felt her start to tense up under his arm at his words. "She could just come and watch a movie with you?" He said after a brief pause when Erin didn't say anything. He didn't want to leave her but he also had talked to Dr. Charles in depth and Dr. Charles had explained that Jay represented her normal from before and she was hanging onto him for dear life to keep reminding herself of what her life used to be. Erin had to start realizing that she was capable of achieving a new normal and could return to her work and lifestyle from before.
"I, I guess that's okay." Erin's voice came out in a whisper. She considered Brett one of her good friends and she really liked her but she didn't know if this was going to go well. She knew that she should try but she had a hard time after what happened with Antonio.
"Okay!" Jay didn't want to shout but he was elated that she was letting someone else come over. He had had figured she would say no or be more resistant to the idea. "I'll text her." He shifted so he could pull his phone from his pocket. He shot a message to Brett who answered immediately that she would come over within an hour. Erin took a deep breath as she tried to prepare herself.
"Hey!" Brett had a big grin on her face as Jay let her in the apartment. Erin was huddled under the blanket but managed to find a tiny smile for Brett. Brett approached her slowly and sat down on the opposite side of the couch. "How's your day going?" Erin shrugged, her voice lost the second that Brett had entered the apartment. Erin didn't understand why she felt this tightness in her chest. It was just Brett. She liked Brett. They hung out all the time. "Do you want to keep watching this movie? If not, I brought 27 Dresses and 13 Going On 30." Brett had grabbed several of her favorite silly, mindless movies that she liked.
"Either is fine." Erin's voice returned, raspier than her usual, but it was there. Brett put 13 Going On 30 in the DVD player and pressed play. Jay had been hesitating by the door but slipped out once he saw that Erin was focused on the movie. He'd already told Erin he'd been running a few errands and she was prepared for him to leave. Erin and Brett were quiet for about fifteen minutes, watching the silly beginning of the movie. "How can you act like you still see me the same?" Erin's voice had dropped but had a touch of anger to it.
"What do you mean?" Brett was genuinely shocked by this question. Jay and Brett had talked about some possible scenarios but this question hadn't been one they thought she would ask. She had figured Erin would want to talk about the attack or how she was feeling.
"I don't understand how you can act like you don't see me differently now. You see me now as the dirty, disgusting, gross person that I am." Erin sat up taller as her voice grew louder.
"Woah, Erin. I absolutely do not, in any shape or form, see you any differently. You had something awful happen to you but you are not disgusting or gross. This doesn't change my view of you. You're my friend and I want to help you through this." Brett wanted to cry but held herself together, knowing that tears were not going to make this easier. She didn't feel like it was her place to be the one who got to cry.
"I don't understand how you can't." Erin spit back. She couldn't seem to put this anger away now that it was out. She didn't understand how Brett viewed her the same way as she did before.
"Because Erin, I don't look at you as a thing. You're a person who just had something really, really awful happen to you. It doesn't imply that you are weak or bad. I still see you as the strong detective who helps people every day of her life." Brett hated seeing the anger in Erin's eyes. She didn't care that Erin was mad, she hated that Erin was angry about something that she should never have had to be angry about.
"Why?" Erin felt the anger rush out of her almost as quickly as it had come on. She wasn't really mad at Brett. Her anger seemed to come out of nowhere.
"Because you will bounce back from this. It takes time." Brett was completely confident that Erin could recover from this and would be stronger than ever. "It doesn't happen overnight. You need to get out of your apartment. You don't have to shut us out. We're here for you and not because you're weak. You're one of the strongest people I know. We want you to talk to us. Tell us how you feel. We're here for you." Brett rambled on but she hoped she was saying what Erin needed to here.
"I, I don't understand how this happened to me." The tears started to well up in Erin's eyes.
"I wish I had the answer to that question." Brett's heart was breaking for Erin. She wanted to give her a huge hug but Jay had warned her that Erin wasn't handling contact well and anything unexpected sent her into a full panic attack.
"I just, I want to wake up and it be like before." Erin started to sob as she forced the words out. "I, I wake up and I get like five seconds, five seconds where I forget what has happened and I feel normal. I get five seconds and then, it hits me. Everything comes rushing back and it's all I can think about once I'm out of those five seconds." Erin was choking on her sobs and Brett had to strain to understand everything Erin was saying.
"Oh honey. That's going to get better. It won't be instant, but you'll realize that you got a few minutes when you wake up before you remember. And a little later, you'll realize that it's half an hour and soon, it will feel like less of a sledgehammer to the stomach and more like a tap on the shoulder." Brett knew that this wasn't going to be for maybe years, but it would happen. Erin brought her knees up to her chest and buried her head into her knees.
"Thank you Brett." Erin said after a few more moments of silence, trying to convey how much she appreciated Brett. She hated that she'd lashed out at her. She was grateful that Brett had been able to talk her through it.
"You are very welcome. You can talk to me anytime." Brett sincerely meant that Erin could talk to her at any time. She couldn't begin to imagine the emotional roller coaster that Erin was on.
"I want to feel normal." Erin repeated. She'd said it a thousand times to Jay but it was so hard to convey exactly what that meant. There were so many layers to that word, normal.
"What do you want to do to feel normal?" Brett asked, knowing it was probably the first time that anyone had asked Erin this.
"What?" Erin was a little confused. That was a new answer to the statement she'd been saying. Dr. Manning, Dr. Charles, and Jay hadn't ever said this to her.
"Yup, that's the question. You don't get back to normal if you sit here inside of your apartment. You have to figure out what is going to help you feel normal again." Brett clarified. Erin nodded slowly as Brett's answer sank in.
"I want to try to go to the precinct again." Erin said on the spur of the moment. She almost put her hand over her mouth once she said it but she didn't regret saying it. She knew part of normal for her was being able to work. If she was able to go back to the precinct, she could start taking steps to return to work. She wanted to be a detective again.
"Okay. Let's go." Brett got to her feet. There was no better time than the present and if they got there at the right time, Jay might be there. She knew that would make Erin feel a little more relaxed to have Jay close.
"Right now?" Erin stammered. She hadn't been prepared to go at this moment. Brett responded by pulling out her car keys and holding them up. "I'm, I'm not dressed!" She looked down at the sweat pants and hoodie she had on. Her hair was a greasy mess and she wasn't wearing makeup.
"Go get dressed. We're going." Brett's voice gained some determination as she motioned towards the bedroom. She hoped that pushing was the right thing but after a second, Erin moved towards the bedroom. She threw on a pair of jeans and a black shirt, zipped up her boots and threw her hair up in a bun.
"You'll go in with me?" Erin asked as she emerged from the bedroom. Her heart was fluttering and her stomach was in knots thinking but her brain was reminding her that this was the right thing to do.
"Yes!" Brett said enthusiastically. Erin moved towards the door before she could change her mind and Brett followed her out. They were heading towards the precinct within a few minutes and Erin half-jogged to the front door. Brett kept a few inches of space between them but was close in case Erin needed a hand to hold or a hug, even though Jay had said she was extremely guarded about physical contact. "You can do this." Brett reminded Erin one last time as they pushed through the first and second set of doors.
"Erin!" Trudy was extremely surprised to see Erin after the last fiasco. She waved at her from behind her desk but didn't say anything further. She didn't want to make Erin any more nervous than she had to be. She buzzed them in once they got close to Erin wouldn't have to type her code in.
"Hey!" Jay greeted them at the top of the stairs, stopping dead in his tracks when Erin appeared. He was floored that Erin was in the precinct again and gave Brett a look that conveyed both shock and happiness that Erin was here. He had figured that they would just sit and watch the movie.
"Hey." Erin's voice was a squeak as her eyes darted around the room. Ruzek was in the break room, his back to the door. Voight was at his desk and looked up to see Erin, but forced himself to stay sitting. He knew that Erin needed small steps. Olinsky peeked around the corner, but also didn't get up. He didn't want to scare Erin. Antonio smiled from his desk. He didn't to mess anything up this time so he just kept his mouth shut. Jay was the only one who stepped forward, figuring that Erin would be okay. "I'm okay." Erin took a few steadying breaths but took another step forward, closer to Jay. She felt a little bit safer knowing that Jay was beside her in case she needed him. She was determined not to run this time and with both Brett and Jay here, she thought she could handle this a little bit longer.
"You're doing great!" Brett whispered to Erin. She was really proud of Erin. "Why don't we try to make it to Jay's desk and back and we can go." She knew that setting a goal would help Erin. Erin took a few steps forward, pausing when she got past the point where the stairs were directly behind her for her to bolt down. Her hands were shaking so hard and sweat was forming on her forehead but she pushed forward.
"We miss you Erin." Ruzek said from the doorway of the break room. He didn't want to step beyond the threshold and panic her but it was a good sign that she was here. Erin thanked him as she laid her hands on Jay's desk with a huge sigh of relief.
"Ready to go?" Brett asked after Erin had stood there for a few minutes. Erin nodded vigorously and they headed towards the door. Jay mouthed thank you to Brett several times before she waved him off. She didn't need to be thanked. Brett waved at everyone as Erin started to descend down the stairs. Erin felt a peace in his heart that she had her first successful outing as Brett drove them to the nearest Starbucks.