A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the lengthy time between chapters. I was in really bad car accident and recovery has been slow.
After two episodes of Cupcake Wars had passed in silence, Gabby looked over at Erin. Erin's face looked more relaxed but from the look in her eyes, Gabby knew that Erin was deep in her own thoughts.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Gabby asked, hoping to get Erin to open up a little bit more. She knew that it wasn't good to completely internalize everything after a traumatic event. She couldn't even begin to imagine what a dream like that must feel like and the emotions it carried.
"I just, what if," Erin drifted off as she swallowed hard. "Just, what if I can never have sex again with Jay?" She finally blurted out. She knew it might be the stupidest question but it had been in her thoughts recently. She had been romantically involved with Jay for over a year now off and on and she was wondering if that would ever return.
"Oh honey." Brett said quietly as she held out a hand to Erin. Erin took it gratefully as Gabby also held out one of her hands. They sat in silence for another minute, holding hands while Brett and Gabby thought about the right way to reply.
"Honestly, Erin, I think there will always be a little difference to how you had sex but I firmly believe you will have sex again. The trust you had with men before is gone now and you have to build it back up. Even with someone like Jay, who you love and trust, it just takes time. Don't rush." Brett answered first.
"And you know that Jay will always understand whatever you need. If you need him to stop or you just can't, he will never press you for it. You know that already." Gabby added. She knew that Erin was one of the strongest women that she had ever met.
"Thanks guys." Erin gave them both a genuine smile with a little more peace in her heart. She was incredibly grateful for friends that supported her and had stuck by her side through the absolute worst moments of her life.
"We're always here for you." Gabby responded with a gentle squeeze to Erin's hands. Erin smiled as they all turned back at the television, still leaving their hands clasped together. "What kind of cooking show is this?" Erin laughed as she swore she saw green rising in Gabby's face. Gabby was an excellent cook and enjoyed making new dishes but she was definitely not on board to ever make the dish they were cooking on the show.
"It's Farmhouse Cooking." Brett rattled off before she could stop herself and blushed when both Erin and Gabby looked at her with a questioning look on her face. Brett was best known for watching the sappiest, gushiest romantic comedies that made everyone around her want to vomit. "I, um, I like it."
"Brett, you never stop surprising me." Gabby laughed, feeling her heart lighten when Erin laughed along with her. It was almost three minutes before they were able to get control of themselves, finally changing the mood of the night to something lighter.
"Hey! You never know when it'll come in handy at the firehouse." Brett tucked her head against her shoulder as she laughed along with them. Cooking duty was literally her least favorite thing in the entire world and it was rarely assigned to her because of her lack of cooking skills. She made grilled cheese, Ramen, and mac and cheese but that was about it. Luckily, living with Gabby, she rarely had to cook.
"Well know I am not touching that if you cook that!" Gabby just shook her head as she watched them dump more and more ingredients into the stew. After the show ended, another episode of Cupcake Wars picked up. Gabby glanced at the clock as she watched Erin yawn. It was 2:07 AM. "Do you want to try to go back to bed?" Gabby asked as Erin yawned again. Erin made a face as she shrugged her shoulders. Sleep was synonymous with being tortured lately.
"How about you take a quick shower to relax and we'll change the sheets. We can sleep on the couch or near you if you want." Brett didn't want to force Erin to do anything she didn't want to do but some sleep could help. Erin nodded at that suggestion. She got up and turned to face Gabby and Brett.
"I really can't thank you guys enough. From being there in the very beginning to being here now, I can't express how much you have done for me. You guys have been two of my rocks and biggest supporters. You haven't questioned me or made me feel stupid or silly. I appreciate you guys so much." Erin hoped the two could understand that she really didn't know what she would have done without them.
"You don't have to thank us." Gabby and Brett said in unison before looking at each other and laughing. Erin laughed with them as she headed for the bathroom. Gabby quickly texted Matt for a change of clothes and Brett explained where in her room to find the things for her. After getting the sheets changed, they decided to make up Jay's air mattress, which was a double and would be enough room for the both of them in case Erin needed them during the night. Matt dropped the clothes off just as Erin was turning the water off in the shower. Gabby explained the situation and Matt understood completely. He gave Gabby a goodnight kiss, told her that he was proud of her, and disappeared quickly. The girls changed while waiting on Erin to come out and they got settled, knowing that morning would be coming soon.
"Hey baby." Jay's voice came out as a rough whisper as he stepped back into the apartment, with Antonio hovering a few inches behind him. Gabby had made the girls breakfast and talked a little more with Erin and Erin had definitely wanted to see Jay. Gabby had texted Antonio to bring Jay over. Erin was curled up on the couch with Gabby on one side of her and Brett on the other side of her. She gave him a tiny smile.
"Hey." Erin returned the greeting. She had a million different thoughts running through her head but her voice failed her the second that she saw Jay. It wasn't that she was scared of Jay, but just didn't know what the right thing to say to him was now that he was in front of her. She had an entire speech prepared where she apologized for her behavior and that she loved him but it just flowed out of her brain.
"I'm really really sorry." Jay broke the ice after a few seconds. He didn't know what else to say. He hated seeing Erin in pain. He kept seeing Erin flinch away from him last night every time that he blinked and a little more of his heart chipped away. He'd rather been skinned alive than ever purposely hurt Erin.
"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry." Erin felt awful. Jay's eyes were still red and he had huge bags underneath them. She knew that he hadn't gotten any sleep. She felt a pang of guilt that she had actually managed to sleep until the sun came up. She could see from the shadows on Jay's cheeks that he hadn't shaved and his shoulders were hunched over, carrying the pain and failure he felt from last night. "You didn't do anything wrong." She literally couldn't imagine why he might want to apologize. He wasn't at fault for any of this.
"I didn't know what to do." Jay let his shoulders slump as he stared down at the ground. He knew he had panicked last night. The sounds of Erin screaming out that he was hurting her had frozen him. He wished he had known what to do other than call for Gabby and Brett.
"It was me that didn't know what to do." Erin rebutted. She knew that Jay wouldn't hurt her but her dream had been so incredibly realistic and she had been so terrified. "I was scared and I shouldn't have pushed you away like that."
"You are allowed to act however you need to feel. This is all very scary." Jay let his eyes lock with Erin's. He knew that the most important thing that he could do is keep supporting Erin and making sure that she understood that he was just there to support her. "I'm here for you. I'll always stand by your side. I can't imagine what last night must have felt like. Just know that I love you and I want to do whatever you need me to do."
"You are doing everything right. You are absolutely amazing in everything you've done. I don't know why you didn't walk away but I'm so glad you didn't. You are doing everything so amazingly right. I didn't know what to do last night. I shouldn't have pushed you away though." Erin pushed herself off of the couch, stepping over the blanket as it fell. She took a huge breath as she walked to Jay and in a moment, grabbed his face and pulled him towards her, kissing him. He responded instantly, kissing her back, keeping his hands down by his side so he didn't scare her. He had missed her incredibly silky smooth lips and the feeling of electricity he got when they kissed. She pulled back after a minute with a content smile on her face. Jay gazed in her eyes, not wanting to push her to do anything she didn't want to do. She took a small step backwards and laughed.
"You two are some of the strongest people that I have ever met." Brett broke in after a few minutes. She had tears in her eyes. Gabby looked over at her and rolled her eyes with a sappy smile on her own face. Her partner has the most incredible soft side and cried at even the tiniest bit of romantic display. Antonio clasped his hands together in happiness as he watched the scene in front of him. He knew that Erin was a badass but he was astounded by her strength time and time again.
"Why don't we let you guys have some time to talk it out." Antonio suggested after a few moments. Gabby and Brett gathered their things. They were all confident that the two would be okay alone now. They said goodbye and Erin and Jay thanked them all one more time before they headed out.
"You are incredible, you know that, right?" Jay smiled at Erin, still reeling from the kiss. He had missed kissing her so incredibly much but he hadn't realized just how much until she had kissed him. Kissing Erin made him feel like he was soaring on top of a cloud and there wasn't a care in the world. He had never known it was possible to feel as strongly about a woman as he did about Erin.
"You're incredible!" Erin responded with a silly smile. Jay felt his heart growing as he saw a little of the Erin from before the attack coming back. "I have a doctor's appointment today." She realized after they'd been standing in the entryway for a few minutes, just looking at each other.
"Let's get ready." Jay walked into the house, quickly grabbing his shaving kit to go back into the kitchen. He hadn't wanted to intrude on Erin so he had been taking care of his daily bathroom ritual in the kitchen lately. Erin pulled her hair up, applied light makeup and got dressed and by the time she came out, Jay was also ready. He snatched the car keys up and held the door open for Erin. They headed towards Chicago Med. Jay could see Erin's breathing increase as they got close. Chicago Med was definitely not on her top ten places to visit. He offered her his hand and she took it without a second of hesitation. Natalie greeted them and directed to a quiet room. The Emergency Department had been quiet this morning but no one dared say it out loud and jinx them for the remainder of their shift.
"How's everything going?" Natalie asked once Erin had gotten into a gown and was ready. Natalie hated that these exams were absolutely necessary as she knew that it was very uncomfortable and triggering for Erin.
"We had a rough night but I think we're in a much better place now." Erin answered honestly. She really did feel like she and Jay had hit a huge milestone and would continue to move forward.
"That's amazing to hear!" Natalie gave Erin a huge smile. "You ready?" She asked. She had her fingers crossed that this would be the last time. Last time there had been still some residual redness and tenderness that concerned her.
"Yea." Erin said quietly as she looked up at the ceiling, trying her best not to tense up as she felt Natalie begin her exam. She held her breath as Natalie began and was pleasantly shocked that it didn't hurt. It felt slightly irritating but Erin was able to relax a little bit as Natalie finished up. Natalie made sure to be thorough but did try to keep the exam as short as possible. "That doesn't hurt!" Erin exclaimed, almost not daring to believe it. Jay could have done a back flip right then and there from pure happiness as he looked at Erin's face. Normally her face was contorted with pain but it was fairly relaxed and full of shock.
"Oh Erin." Natalie smiled, almost crying tears of happiness. "Everything has healed much nicer than I thought it would. You won't need any cosmetic surgery. I can clear you for all activity, including driving," Natalie said with a wink to Erin, "and I will clear you to return to work but you'll still need Dr. Charles to approve you too. I'm so happy for you Erin." Erin nodded as the biggest grin broke out over her face as she looked towards Jay.
"Thank you so much Natalie." Jay gave Natalie a huge handshake. They were so lucky that Natalie had been there that day. She had definitely worked hard to fix the damage and made sure that Erin had the best possible recovery.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Erin repeated as she sat up. She gave Natalie a handshake too. She wanted to hug her but she just wasn't quite there yet. Natalie got paged to an emergency case and slipped out of the room. Jay stepped out so that Erin could get dressed and spotted Will. He waved at him but could tell that Will was busy. Will finished his conversation and came over and gave his brother a quick hug and a hello before rushing off to assist another doctor that Jay didn't know. Jay was proud of how well that Will was doing here. He knew that his brother was brilliant but sometimes made bad calls. This move to Chicago had proved to be a good move.
"Ready?" Erin slid the door open behind Jay and came out of the room. She held her hands out expectantly with a smirk on her face as she looked at Jay.
"What do you want?" Jay teased her, knowing exactly the one thing that she wanted. He knew that his days of driving were over for a long time but he was fine with that. Erin just raised her eyebrows at him and he smiled, pulling the car keys out of his pocket and handing them to Erin. Erin's smile only grew as they walked towards the exit. She climbed into the driver seat and the car revved to life. Jay just looked at the woman he loved in awe as they roared out of the parking lot. He knew that there were still so many issues that Erin would need to work on but the clean bill of health was a huge obstacle that was now in the rear view mirror.
A/N: I have one more chapter to post! I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter.