Since this story has turned into a headache, I will cut it short, just the chapters already written. I am tired of ugly PMs and anonymous nonsense. Again P-EE-WEE is one word, P-E-WEE is another (sort of), it was game of words going from hate to love just with a word change. Enough said, for those who don't know, disobedience of a magical law/decree is punishable with either losing your wand or a prison sentence in Azkaban. Remember this is not a drama but meant to be light. And hopefully the cut and paste didn't trash the text. Have fun, this is a Hermione not willing to compromise, mostly because there is too much going on. Why not let her vent.

Musical Parents or a Pit of Snakes

"Darling? What if I confess an itty-bitty lie of omission one that I've hidden for years for your own good." Her eyes had an unhealthy gleam.

Hermione narrowed her eyes, she hated that 'for your own good' preamble, it was never good, "What now? Let it roll, I cannot even start to guess let's see, no, hmm, yeah, you are a witch and you been hiding because...hmm let's see."

She should have looked at her mother nodding her head, looking somewhat relieved.

Meanwhile, Lucius and Narcissa had heard the loud fight. Outside the room in a silenced charm waiting room, several Muggle nobles sat, to include a couple of Royals. Wilbur, a tall and arrogant Lord, paced up and down. He had informed the Malfoy that should Hermione refuse their son, she had a contract with him since he was seven.

He had waited long enough and frankly, he was about to challenge their son. He was barely magical but he was a fencing champion, and he had wanted (not loved) the silly girl for too long. He was seven years older and wanted to be respectful, which was difficult when he was twenty three, and she'd enjoyed taunting him.

At thirty, he wanted a wife and a partner, and Hermione was it. For fun and play he had a long standing mistress, as it should be. Even his prince had done it, it was the natural order of things, a young, pretty desirable wife for show and children, and a mistress who pleased him. Even his father had done his own take of the theme.

The older Malfoy stomachs were in knots thinking that their prized fish was about to get away, and their idiotic son wanted to play the modern man. "Spank her and shag her," had been Lucius advice, "it works, ask your mother," and Narcissa laughed coyly.

At this Draco'd screamed in disgust,"Yuck, I already know too much, yuck."

And now things were looking grimm.

Inside the room, Hermione continued her tirade. She pursed her lips, knitted her brows, and tapped her lips with her finger, "Hmm, let me see is Voldemort my father?" And she turned like an owl to check on her mother who cringed and walked three steps back.

Her mother shook her head in denial, "Well, hmm, err, hmm, cough, choke..not ..."

Hermione's eyes opened wide, "Wait there non-mother, as in you are not sure if I am the snake's spawn? Gods, I am going to be sick. And what was your answer to my question are you a witch in hiding?"

"Ah, you hadn't guessed, I am relieved for a moment I thought you knew." Her mother smiled looking at ease.

"No, this is not possible, I was being sarcastic," now her hair had fallen from her updo and was furiously flying around her. Her restrains had evaporated, not that her mother had noticed.

The tears again and now there was someone at the door, "My love, darling are you okay? I sensed your upset. Open up."

"Let them all come the more the merrier. Yup, let's count, Remus traitor number 2, my mother number 1, and Harry number 3…the band of brothers in treason." The list kept growing, revenge was going to take a while.

"Come in," she moved her finger and opened the door.

"You do wandless and your restrains?" Her mother looked at her with interest.

"Yes, since I was 13 so what?" She asked defiantly.

Remus ran to hold his dear Jean's waist and growled when Hermione kept coming.

"Hermione kitten you need…"

"Yeh, stop it, don't kitten me and save your breath..I need to respect my mother, she is pregnant, blah, blah, blah…You made her pregnant not I."

She looked at the not so liked couple with utter contempt, "Save it Remus, the traitor who I call mother just dropped a bomb, I am a Half-blood so it seems that Mrs. Lying witch…"

"Respect her, I mean it," Remus growled rather menacing, "not a Half-blood your mother had to hide, she had her reasons."

Hermione's lip trembled for a second, Remus her hero, her second or was it her third crush, had just growled to her for the second time. Who cared? She didn't not her, and quickly the anger returned.

Lucius and Narcissa had entered the room from the side entrance, closed the door behind them, and stayed right out the main room.

"The mother lode, let's see, I'm not a Mudblood, ehem, a Muggle but everyone thinks so." She stared from one to the other.

"So who was my father exactly? Aha and your real name? And why have you been hiding?"

"You don't need to tell her if she is being this ugly," Saint Remus or Traitor # 2 advised.

What was this? Remus was kissing her mother's cheek? What the heck? Hermione started yelling, "This is not right. I want to wake up. This is not right, this is a nightmare."

The winds that accompanied her greatest angers, were already blowing.

"Okay, let's go and marry me to the ferret, the son of the prettiest of them all also known as Mr. Darky and Lucius the snake. And what else? I am a Half-Blood or maybe more, however I had to be insulted my entire life." Then she calmed her voice, "even more troublesome for all others, ha, ha. Do you know what I'm thinking? I will turn-in in my wand since it is unnecessary. Who cares, I just pretended to use it." She shrugged her shoulders.

Lucius hated the prettiest-nickname, and once again he could swear that she was his grandfather's reincarnation, beautiful, powerful, clever and with a razor sharp tongue. He was the most dangerous wizard ever, nice most of the time but everyone had to run whenever he was displeased.

"No, not a Half-blood, tsk, tsk, darling don't be hasty, a Pureblood." Her now re-labeled-pretend mother interjected.

"Aghh, no, no, and no." She came towards her mother while Remus hackles rose, his hair stood and he got in between them, snarling.

"Your name now right now, no more of this. Wait don't say it, my heart is going to go boom, and I am way too young for heart failure."

"There you go, my name is Nannette Jean L'orc or Je m'appel Nan.." She just said it, there and also in her mother tongue as well.

"Ha, indeed," her eyelids half down not friendly, the lying imposter, "I never heard of a L'orc family."

Outside the main room right on the entrance niche Narcissa turned pale,"Lucius, why haven't you said something before now?"

"Because I didn't know," he had paled even more and his heart started to bleed; he had never been 100% truthful to Narcissa. He had asked his father to help him re-route his Malfoy-lust when all seemed hopeless. Today was horrible because the re-routing was vanishing. This was bad and his father was dead, he would need to ask Draco if it was all together possible. He thought her dead as everyone had said. They stood quietly listening.

"Darling, I have used a Color-Vario plus a light glamour all my life to hide on site. I was raised by the Grangers who picked me up after my entire family was murdered. When I became pregnant I had to hide from the order, and from the Dark Lord, and from others, ahem. I was under a death threat, ahem. Someone told Dumbledore my identity after fooling him forever." She looked very upset but Hermione ignored it.

"Don't stop," she urged.

"I did what I could, hid my powers with a spell made by my grandfather and ran back to the Grangers. Robert a squib, who was my senior by nearly twenty years and lovers with Wilbur's father (also a squib) both rest in peace, gladly married me. It was the perfect cover for the entire family, and you well know how much your grandfather loved you."

It all started making sense, all of it, her father's hunting trips, vacations with Wilbur and her father and the unusual sleeping arrangements; her mother never taking her to the train station; Remus immediately liking her mother and greeting like old chums, of course, the damn wolf had known her mom's scent...she had been played like a guitar..."

"Here my love," a voice, the imposter's was coming thru a tunnel, no matter, she looked.

Her mother, the imposter, was a blond the color of melted gold with strands of silver; the eyes lighter with blue flecks, the nose a little larger, and other light face mods. She was still just as pretty.

Remus eyes went cloudy with lust…"You are even prettier," and kissed her, and her non-mother smiled-shyly, this was bad.

Hermione hadn't noticed, but she also had a Color-Vario that was attached to her mother's except her hair was backwards. Silver blond with melted gold highlights, her eyes were steely grey, and her skin nearly alabaster. All the rest was nearly her. She saw the color of her skin and screamed, then ran to the mirror and screamed some more.

"Mom, this hair but for the gold streaks is, is, is…agh, no, no, and no, the prettiest of the wizards' hair, no, my eyes, my skin…please, please tell me this is a mistake."

Her mother made a face and mumbled, "Thanks to God, it is good to know who your father is," Remus heard.

"Is he my father? No, don't say it, hush, hush. So why why are you letting me marry, he no…"

And she calmed some and looked at her mother coldly.

"No, my dear mother do the trick backwards, what is the sense. Put me back, I don't want to find out my relationship to whoever. I am innocent, I am a parental victim. Don't worry, I will Obliviate myself."

"Dear, weren't you listening? We already told you, I didn't know you see because I'd done a complex color-vario. I wasn't sure how was your father, I had two lovers that Yuletide. One was hmm, Tom Riddle. When you were born your hair mimicked mine, and I just learned today who was your father, and darling, I am so relieved. Now, do you understand why I was hiding from Tom, he wanted you."

Hermione was feeling faint, "Do tell, why the Snake-Wizard? Were you crazy? And why the Order, and why are you hiding from Beauty?"

"I was young and not very clever," her mother appeared distress not that it made a difference, Hermione was truly in shock.

"I need a glass of water, make that a double vodka." Hermione waved her hand and a glass appeared on her hand. Remus just shook his head, he'd seen her abilities for a while and attributed them to her dark heritage.

"As to the other, I will explain later, yes there is more. And yes, you cannot marry today."

Lucius ran into the room, he wouldn't look at her in the eye, his heart was not beating correctly, yet he was elated, it was time to lie, a bit of damage control, "Nannette so, ahem, you see I got cold feet, cough ...when I was going to marry Narcissa." He choked, he couldn't lie, not about his love for Nanette; hell, he was about to hold her and kiss her, "but thanks for my beautiful daughter."

And he turned to Hermione, "I aways wanted a daughter." He hugged her and kissed her head with true love and affection, meanwhile her arms hanged limp.

Hermione couldn't breath. She didn't notice Remus frozen in surprise, growling softly looking at Narcissa who was moving away from Remus.

"Everyone, we need to stop this wedding. It is a good thing you never let Draco, ahem. It was fortunate."

"Yes, but you, you, you, are you my father? Mother say it, she has not yet said it once. "

Remus wasn't happy, "Nanette you and the Dark Lord?" He looked at Narcissa again who looked the other way, her cheeks flushed.

"Sorry, darling, my grandfather was Grindelwald, hence my hiding from the order. I've already told you that I was the last person alive from my family, all had been killed by the Order, yes by Dumbledore. I was hiding with the Grangers, my guardians, until I came to visit Orion my fourth cousin, right after Hogwarts. Tom was a fling...oh, now look at her hair again. You see the green streaks, those come from my grandfather. The first to show them, I knew it his magic runs strong thru her veins. I am digressing, where was I? Yes, I had to hide because Tom wanted to marry me, and from Lucius because ... well…"

"No, no, I must have died and gone to Hades; now I am related to the darkest of all." Hermione looked desolate and plopped on the couch.

Two minutes later Hermione looked invigorated, a truly magical transformation. Nah, not really, she was seeing some positive outcomes.

"Great at least I am off the hook. You all know something? I like the hair combo. No Draco, right Daddy?" She was thinking that it was quasi-cool being at the top of the food chain. Plus Lucius looking at her with such pride. It was sweet and kind of suited her. Yes it did, she had remembered that in her father's eyes Wilbur had always been number one, no wonder, he was the real son of his beloved. But truly, she also felt bad for the ill fated couple, Robert and William. The two had to hide their love till the end, so sad.

"It is great, we must call the farce off, isn't that right daddy dearest?" Still no liking the Prettiest-of-them-all...that much.

Narcissa came forward, "Nanette, imagine my surprise to see you here." She looked worried.

Narcissa looked at Lucius, "I heard everything, you had your secrets and I had mine. A few days before we were to marry, I was mad seeing you moon over Nanette's old letters. You hid and sobbed day and night. Yes, dear Nanette, the snake here cried until we finally had a real honeymoon one month later, you broke his heart when you ran, he tried to die, not very flattering."

Lucius blushed, "Sorry darling, I apologize for my untoward behavior. You see dear Nannette, well, sometimes a Malfoy loves a witch and has lust for another and well…" He twisted his mouth, he was stuck.

What he had said was all true, but he hadn't say who was his love, his darling, or who was who. The old spell was cracking at seeing Nanette again, good thing he still lusted after Narcissa, barely, not really. And looking at his love's shinning eyes and the way she was looking at him, really hurt.

"Stop while you are ahead, I don't like where this is going." Narcissa warned him missing Bellatrix's help. And hoped to hell he wouldn't find out because he might kill her, in any case it wouldn't be nice.

Remus growled again, at Lucius whose eyes were glued to Nanette, who was no longer sure about her feelings, she ran because Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange were going to murder her. Bellatrix was demented but she loved her little sister until she died. Truly she had mourned Lucius until now, she grimaced. She wished…she did, her Lucius, and tears flooded her eyes.

Remus moved closer to Narcissa and looked at her with angry eyes, he had never been close enough to her to sniff her real well and wanted to be sure. When he did, he snarled angrily and made a sign to her with his index and middle fingers pointed at his eyes, and then to hers as in, 'I see you.' Moony snarled as well, She is the 'Black cousin' in Diagon Alley, she dies, the liar. Narcissa visibly cringed.

Hermione had caught the entire back and forth between Remus to Narcissa, and didn't miss the non-mother and her-to-be-father's looks, and she didn't like them one bit. Her progenitors looked at each other as lovers in old movies, a tragedy as far as she was concerned, too bad, so sad.

"So what are your wife's secrets, I smell a dead fish. She looked scared when she saw Mom, and her thoughts were loud. She kept thinking about Bella and her hubby, you ask her. And did she have a slip with hmm, who, not sure, who, daddy dearest?" Nobody questioned how she 'heard' thoughts, minor details in the midst of this drama.

"Daddy, ah my sweet witch, you are right I am your father, thank you my princess," Lucius said proudly ignoring the sarcasm, "no wonder you were so smart, the smartest witch ever." He didn't answer her other questions.

"Yes, and you let Bellatrix nearly kill me? Hmm I wonder if she knew who I was? Ask your wife, she is hiding something."

He paled, "I could have lost my heir. Now, come darling, please let me be your father. You don't get it, you are truly a child made with love, with real pure love…"

He paid no attention to his words and the impact on Narcissa, he was Lucius, thoughtless and a bit selfish. As for the other, he had long suspected Narcissa, and he had to find out from Nanette what had happened, but not now.

"All is great, now call the farce off. Isn't that right daddy dearest?" Her tone was not loving, she didn't like the Prettiest-of-them-all...that much, but to her dismay, her feelings were rapidly changing.

"Again, I cannot marry the ferret, oops, excuse me, I meant my dear brother. It is a bit tacky don't you agree? And once again, what did your wife do?"

A/n. As one reader quoted, the tangle web we weave. Hermione is angry, who wouldn't, but remember this is not a drama. It seems everyone has something to hide.