Ok, I'm officially rubbish but… I somehow have eventually manage to find inspiration and make up for the crappy update you got last time. This is much longer, much more in depth and kind of follows where we are at the moment in the season with the couple…
Credit to Shonda for part of the dialogue that I have stolen for an episode, which is at the bottom of the chapter. I OWN NOTHING!
Month Eleven
Moline, Ohio had always been one of April Kepner's favourite places. With its stretching fields, idyllic expanses filled with flowers across the colour spectrum and friendly country folk, it was hard not to find her home town such a wonderful part of the world to come home to. It was even more welcoming when times were tough.
Over breakfast that morning, she found herself recalling her previous visit, almost three years previously to this very moment. Just like she had this time, she had sought comfort in the familiarity of her parent's farm and their country lifestyle. That had been back after the disaster with her boards and with Jackson. It had been a welcome relief to return here and to throw herself into the lifestyle she had endured as a teenager; early morning starts, caring for and feeding the pigs and eating the produce grown there on her parents land. It had been a chance to give her head, and her heart, time to rest. It was much needed, and much welcomed considering everything she had gone through. And whilst she had been grateful for Owen's appearance, leading her back to the success she had eventually made of herself in Seattle, sometimes she felt as if it didn't quite feel like home as it did here in Moline.
She had been back in Moline now for almost three weeks. She didn't really know why she craved for the place so much when things were tough; she sometimes felt like a homing bird who had been seat free, but still had that urge to find a way home instead of trying to fend of danger for themselves. Here in Moline she felt safe, protected even and as an added bonus, she wasn't faced with spending all her time in close proximity to her husband whom she was still fighting with. Yet she knew deep down, that she could not spend any longer here hiding out when there was still so many unattended to issues back in Seattle. That was where her home was now, her job, her friends…everything she had achieved was there, not here in Moline. It did not matter how she felt about the small part of the country or about the situation she faced when she did eventually return to Seattle.
"Do you really have to leave this morning?" Kimmie asked, interrupting her young sister's thoughts across the breakfast table.
April smiled and nodded. "I have to get back to Seattle… to work."
"And get back to Jackson?" Her sister asked, raising her eyebrows at April's lack of mention of her husband.
"Kimmie." She warned, taking to her feet and collecting her breakfast dishes. "I told you I don't want to talk about what's going on with me and Jackson."
"April, you've spent three weeks here avoiding talking about him." Kimmie retorted, taking to her own feet also and following April toward the kitchen. "You have to talk about it at some point."
Placing the dishes in the sink, April sighed and turned to face her sister, leaning against the curve of the counter top. "I can't talk about it. It drives me crazy enough thinking about it."
"Should you go back to Seattle to him, if you don't really know how you feel… considering everything?"
"I know how I feel, Kimmie. I have to go back and face up to the reality."
Kimmie nodded knowingly, although it was clear her eyes betrayed the agreement and she stepped forward. "You always have a home here, April. You know that right?"
April nodded and the two sisters embraced, an unusual event to happen at all between the Kepner brood.
"Will you drive me to the airport?"
Kimmie nodded and released her sister. "But I don't promise I won't cry."
*/\*
The flight home had been particularly uninteresting and long. There was a few empty seats, two of which happened to be beside April, and so she had had no one to speak to. Although part of her had been grateful for that, sensing the notion of nerves bubbling in the pit of her stomach as the descent to Seattle approached. It hadn't mattered that she spent time reading, drinking, eating or listening to her IPod to try and distract her mind from working overtime. The reality was still there, still real and it took all her strength to hold back the urge to vomit as the plane taxied down the landing strip.
"Thank you." She mumbled to the Immigration officer, offering barely a warm smile as he returned her passport to her open hand. All that she could think about was collecting her baggage and grabbing a cab back to the city, aiming to take a detour via the apartment to grab some fresh clothes before checking into a hotel. She knew she had outstayed her welcome at Callie and Arizona's, judging by the constant whispering that seemed to occur when she had been in earshot of the couple. It had been part of the reason she had chosen to take some leave and head back to Moline in the first place. It wasn't fair if she asked to go back to them now and she certainly did not feel staying in the apartment was a wise idea.
Leaning against the cool marble of a supporting pillar, she waited patiently as the luggage carousel began to creak into action. It did not take long for her suitcase to come into view and she collected with an eager pace, pacing quickly toward the exit in need of a few moments of fresh Seattle air before she hailed a cab.
In her haste, she almost missed a familiar face waiting for her.
"April!"
At the sound of her name, the young woman whipped round and dropped her bags at the sight of her husband waiting in the arrivals entrance. "Jackson." She replied, her tone filled with surprise as she advanced towards him. "How did you know when my flight got in?"
"I got Arizona to tell me." He admitted sheepishly before trying a small smile, in hope she wouldn't be mad that he has asked her friend to give up the information. "Are you mad?"
"No… I just didn't expect you to be here, that's all." She told him, her voice still laced with a surprise note.
"I came to take you to… wherever."
She nodded. It was clear he had wanted to say the apartment but had thought twice, unsure if this was in fact where she had planned to go. Picking up her bags once more, she bit her lip with an uncertain edge. "I was just going to drop of some things, get some clean clothes and check into a hotel… I think."
"A hotel? April." He replied, hurt clear in his tone at her admission. "We have two perfectly good rooms back at the apartment."
"I don't want to sleep in the guest room, Jackson." She retorted before almost instantly regretting her tone. She knew he wasn't trying to irritate her with his perfectly reasonable answer to the issue.
"I'm sorry, I just thought… it doesn't matter." He trailed off before extending a hand and pointing at her belongings. "Here let me take you bags."
She tried a small smile as he accepted the bags and trailed behind as he headed towards the exit.
This was going to be one long car journey.
*/\*
"I washed some of your clothes whilst you were away." Jackson told April quietly as she began to spoon dirty laundry from the suitcase onto the bedroom floor. He was stood watching her from the door way, chewing on his bottom lip nervously as he wrestled with less sensible and calm sentences he wanted to use instead.
"Thank you." She replied as warmly as she could whilst avoiding eye contact with him.
The last time she had been here in the apartment had been before her trip to Moline. Jackson had still been at the hospital, despite the late hour and she had actually enjoyed the peace that the rooms offered to her. It was one and only time she had been back here since their fight without him and she had been happy about that fact. Having not told him of her plans to spend some time back home with her parents, it was a relief that he wasn't around to ask her hundreds of questions or demanding to know what that meant for their relationship. Instead, she had planned to leave him a note explaining that she was going to take a week or two to spend some time with her thoughts and that she would be more willing to talk when she returned home with her thoughts straightened out.
Of course, he hadn't quite been pleased to come and find the note lying on the kitchen countertop. Her flight had already left.
"Have you made reservations anywhere?" He continued, watching her now as she began to hunt through her drawers. This is ludicrous.
"Not yet."
"There's still the offer to stay here… and I'll take the guest room." He continued, adding the extra end to the sentence in reference to her earlier comment.
April paused for a moment, in the midst of upsetting a pile of freshly washed clothes Jackson had obviously placed on the shelf in her absence. A pair of washed, neatly folded pants caught her eye and caused a small smile to hitch on her lips for a moment.
"I wouldn't expect you to do that in your own apartment." She replied.
Jackson bit hard on his tongue at the comment. "Our apartment, April… not mine, ours."
"I-I just meant it was yours, you know… before we got married."
"And now we're married, it's ours."
Hitching her breath a little, she grabbed the pants from the pile and stuffed them into the bag at her feet, choosing not to respond to the reference of their marriage. She knew she was avoiding the elephant in the room but she just couldn't quite bring herself to be open to another fight, or emotional conversation considering everything clouding her thoughts at that very moment in time. Instead, she squashed everything down and zipped up the case again before taking to her feet and closing the closet door quietly.
"So you're going to ignore it then… ignore me and run off to stay in a hotel somewhere." Jackson grumbled, standing a little straighter in his position as he watched her lift the case onto the bed and reach for her purse. "We're not going to talk about it, at all?"
"You asked me for a divorce that last time we spoke, April. I think we need to talk about this."
April paused in her ministrations for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed by the thoughts of that very night around a month ago in Joe's bar. There had been whiskey involved, but only a little to insight her courage and they had been discussing the therapist that his mother had felt might benefit their marriage. He had asked her what they should discuss first and she had offered the omission that had first been discussed in an earlier therapy session. Jackson hadn't seem to take the possibility seriously the first time but after the whiskey, and the day he had endured at work, the possibility that his wife might well have been being serious all seemed to real.
"Do you want to get divorced, April?" He asked, pushing further forward with the subject. That night in the bar, she had told him that it seemed a very real possibility at that time. She had told him that it was clear that had different values, which would divide them eventually she felt and that she wasn't sure she could remain married to a man who did not seem to take her seriously. Of course, he had counter argued it all and tried to enable his wife to see his point of view but that had only caused another row to enthuse, arriving at her subsequent departure and further lack of communication between them before she left for Moline.
"April?"
"Jackson, I…"
"Because I don't." He told her with true honesty. "And I don't want to you to leave tonight when we still have so much to talk about."
She continued to stand motionless for a few moments, hearing every word that he was offering and noting the clear pain straining with each of them. This was becoming too much, ripping her apart inside slowly, piece by piece. It was killing her, knowing how much he loved her, which she truly believed but just how much she could not find it within herself to admit that yes, a huge part of her did not wish to be married to a man who could not respect and love her for the person she really was. It wasn't something that was going to fix itself by being here with him, not allowing herself a place where she could be without his presence to mull everything over before she came a final decision about their future. There was too much at stake for her to be making rash choices.
"Jackson, I have to go." She told him eventually, zipping up her purse and replacing the suitcase back onto the bedroom floor. "I'll see you tomorrow at work."
Grasping the pully handle, she strode across the bedroom and slipped past him into the hallway, fully intent on leaving the apartment.
"April," He called, watching as she made her break for freedom. The truth about his views from the argument that had started this mess, were bubbling beneath the surface and needed to provide them room to escape into words before they broke him. "I said a lot of things during our argument that I regret, and I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings."
Turning back, she let go of the pully handle and fixed her eyes against those of her husband. "I'm sorry too." She replied in truthfulness. It was not a mistake that she did feel guilt and regret partially in regards to her reaction to Jackson's truth telling.
"Good then come home… stay." He tried, surprised and yet relived that she seemed to at least see a partial light at the end of all of this. "This is a conversation we're always gonna have to have. It's a part of who we are. It's going to take some talking… but we got married. We love each other. We made vows to push through this sort of thing."
"I know." She shot back in quick succession. She was more than aware of the vows she had taken, much the same ones as Jackson had which he seemed to have somehow forgotten or confused in their few short months of marriage. "I love you too and we made a commitment."
Spared on by her admission, he took a few steps forward closing the gap quickly between them as his expression became more animated. "Then if you believe it God, you believe he made me… your husband. Who shares your values, which I do. I believe we shouldn't kill or steal. I believe that you should be truthful. I believe you should treat others the way you want to be treated."
"I agree."
"So then we can push through this… problem. At our core we believe the same things."
"And still I think about telling our children how unbelievably loved they are by the creator of the universe, who also made them and I can just see you standing there, judging and dismissive and I just can't get passed it."
There it was. The truth; everything that bound this argument together as it centred on the faith she held so close to her heart. This was the reason they were fighting, because he had told her that he thought her belief in Jesus was unjust. It didn't matter that he had his own thoughts, or that he was simply being honest because he had torn at a huge part of the person his wife was by inadvertently admitting to his dislike of those beliefs. Furthermore, it was obviously affecting the plans they were making for their future, heavily influenced it seemed by the fact he would not share the same beliefs to instil into their possible children as his wife.
Too fired up by her truths, he cut across her words and gave a demand. "Can we please just take a break from a hypothetical children for-"
"No! We can't because… they're not hypothetical anymore." She too cut across, demanding a silence between them as the words fell out into the open space. It was hard to not to read between the lines regarding the meaning of that statement. Standing with an open mouth and wide eyes, he listened as she admitted the final piece of the puzzle that was keeping this problem so current in their marriage.
"Jackson, I am pregnant."