author's note: thank you eternally for regionsofkindness (at tumblr) for beta-ing. also check out their may meta; it's worth the read.
spoilers: this part is a connector between the previous chapter and the current plotline on the show. spoilers for all aired episodes.
coming home
When the Fridge falls, Melinda allows herself a moment of doubt. A moment of "are we doing the right thing?" and "can we even succeed?" before she swallows it down like bile. She can imagine Phil saying something about "better out than in", but she swallows that thought too. She lets all of it fester, the anger at Hydra, the pain from Phil, the loss of her team, and she saves it, until the day she'll need it.
She spends more time in the gym than is probably healthy. There's no one around who cares enough to comment on it.
The Fridge held their most dangerous items and people. It held former SHIELD agent John Garrett, and that knowledge rubs Melinda in the worst way. She wants to track him down, wants to use her fists for what they were made for. She wants to wipe the smug smile from his constantly yammering mouth.
Being Deputy Director means she can't.
She's forced to stand in the Ops Center, barely rebuilt, and direct teams to go after the other threats. Some are easy, like Marcus Daniels, who is back to stalking Phil's precious cellist. Others, not so much. Prisoners of the Fridge tend to be either too smart for their own good, or too powerful. The powerful ones didn't know how to hide very well, but the smart ones were practically untraceable. It was a pain in the ass.
It's when she sees Ian Quinn's smiling face on national television that she nearly snaps. She flies out of the Ops center, skipping the gym and heading straight for the showers. The pounding water helps, minimally, but her rage is building and building and instead of being able to bury it, she's terrified of it letting lose. Quinn almost killed Skye. And now he's preaching about how he knew all along SHIELD was a terrorist agency, and he's here to guide the American people into a safer tomorrow and on and on until she knows she should have broken his jaw when she had the chance.
Two hours later, after a long session of tai chi and another shower, she returns to Ops. She doesn't breathe a word to Director Hand; she owes no one any apology, not even now, and Hand knows better than to ask for one.
Instead, Victoria Hand looks like she's about to be sick.
"We have news from Providence base."
May nods. Level 8 opened up more doors than she expected, but she always knew Nick Fury was excellent at keeping secrets.
"Agent Ward," Victoria looks down. "Grant Ward has been revealed to be a Hydra agent."
The ground falls out from under her. She knew Ward. She knew everyone on that team, because she put them together, excepting Skye. She had hand picked him –
"He's taken Skye hostage."
She'll kill him.
She doesn't get a chance to murder Ward, because the team manage to save Skye all their own. She follows it as best she can; Skye's trip to the diner, the fight with Deathlok, and finally, after too much radio silence, Coulson lets them know she's safe.
Two days later, she gets a video call.
Simmons's face takes up the bulk of the screen, but she can see Fitz pacing in the background and hear Skye's voice, irritated.
" – call her, she obviously doesn't want to be with us, she just left with Hand – "
"Ahem," Jemma fake coughs, and Melinda can imagine the shock and mild fear on Skye's face perfectly, even though she can't see it.
"Agent May," Jemma begins calmly, as if Melinda is the one to call her. "What a nice surprise."
Melinda raises an eyebrow. "You called me."
"Ah, yes, about that. We, you see, Fitz," he waves from the back, then continues pacing, "Skye," she hears a muttered, "Don't drag me into this," and "I, have realized, or, really, we kind of, just, it's that." Jemma takes a deep breath. "We need you back, Agent May. Oh!" Her face brightens. "I mean Deputy Director May! Congratulations on your promotion!"
Melinda lets a small smile slip. "You can still call me Agent, Simmons."
"Oh, of course. Well, back to the matter. We really do need you back." Simmons allows for a moment of silence, then continues, softer. "Skye never would have been taken if you were here."
There's no blame in her voice, and Melinda is grateful for it.
"I had it under control," Skye hisses, and this makes Fitz perk up. "He's not evil, can we stop with that line of thought already!" He waves his hands in the air, then returns to pacing.
"He's not coming, is he, Fitz?" Jemma calls out, and Melinda is not surprised that they're hiding this from Coulson.
"No, Trip said he'll give the signal when Coulson gets bored. But it's legitimate Howling Commandos gear, he could stare at that stuff for hours. Speaking of, I'd really like a chance to look at it before – "
Jemma clears her throat, interrupting him.
"I mean, seriously, Agent May. We really would like you to return." Fitz gives a brief smile, then, yet again, returns to pacing. She can see that Ward's betrayal isn't sitting well with him. She wonders if they've been pressuring him to accept the truth, when they should know that Fitz needs hard evidence. He needs to see things with his own two eyes.
Jemma turns back to the camera. "Agent Coulson spends all his time in his room. He's barely speaking, eating, and we don't know what to do for him. Only you really understood him, Agent May."
Skye scoffs, and Melinda, though pleased by Jemma's sweetness, has had enough.
"Something to say, Skye?"
Skye grabs the laptop and turns it towards her roughly.
Melinda is surprised, and angry, to see a healing bruise on her temple.
"You know what? Yeah, I do have something to say. How could you just walk away like that, May? How could you just leave us, after everything we've been through together? Right after Hydra? We could have thought you, that you were – "
"Coulson requested that I not return," she says, calmly.
Jemma actually gasps out loud.
"Oh," Skye finishes.
"Director Hand had a need for my services, and as Coulson did not, I felt that my place was here."
The three are silent. Before anyone can speak, there's a knock at the door. Jemma shrieks, Skye swears, and Fitz is seen running about, no doubt searching for his phone.
The door opens, and Melinda can tell it's Coulson by the way the three young adults all look like extremely guilty children. Melinda thinks of hanging up, but stays on, because it's been months, and her team missed her, and she deserves to hear it from the source.
"Everybody out, please," he says, just out of sight, and the three move quickly. She gets a good look at the dingy motel room, and despairs of SHIELD's dwindling funds.
Coulson settles on the couch, and she's surprised to see that he's a little worse for wear.
"Break in, at Cybertek Industries. Did you know Garrett was the Mark I Deathlok?"
She nearly gapes at him. That wasn't the opener she expected.
"Or is, I guess. I'm assuming they broke him out of the Fridge with the rest of them. He's really been playing the long con with us, ever since – "
"Phil."
He sighs, looking down.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have behaved the way I did. I was mad, and I was mean." He looks away. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, May."
She's quiet.
"It's eating away at me, Melinda. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to focus on the team, on Hydra, on Garrett, and now Ward, but all I can think of is TAHITI. You were right. What if, what if I'm a sleeper agent? What if Hydra really is the ones who ordered this? Nick didn't take orders from many people, but Alexander Pierce was one of them, and I…"
He looks at her. She almost expected tears in his eyes, but there's nothing. "Please come back, Melinda."
"I can't." It kills her to say it.
"Hand needs me here. I'm Deputy Director, Phil. This is different from being on Administrative duty. You can't just grab me because you want me to drive your plane."
"I thought you put this team together?" he asks with a wry smile.
"I can't leave here, Phil."
He nods. "I understand. I really do. I just… I wish things were different. I wish I had been different. I'll explain it to the kids."
"Be gentle with Fitz," she warns. "He's not taking this Ward thing well."
Phil pauses. "Are you?"
Her eyes narrow. That's all the answer he needs.
Soon, it seems that her rage has drained out of her, replaced by an aching sadness from being away from her team. She's tired all the time, forcing herself to wake up to do her morning exercises instead of simply moving out of bed. She cuts down her evening workouts, falling asleep exhausted every night. Her work is still impeccable, but she's lost her drive.
Finally, she approaches Hand.
"I'm asking for a leave of absence."
Hand doesn't even look up from her paperwork.
"I assume you have a list of possible replacements?"
"Just one. Akela Amador."
This makes Victoria pause.
"She was nearly sent to the Fridge. Determined to not be dangerous enough, and is now in federal prison."
"She was forced to perform those crimes."
"I know." Victoria taps her chin. "We're still labeled as a terrorist organization, and Talbot is refusing to get his head out of his ass. It'll be difficult to bring her on. Last I heard, she wasn't exactly a team player."
"She is now."
"Fine," Victoria shrugs. "But if this goes wrong, I'll have your head for it. You need a ride?"
Melinda shakes her head. "I've got one."
Her mom will be happy to see her. She thinks.