"Dr Robbins, we have a suspected Appy ten minutes out. Should I book you an OR?"
"Yes." Arizona glanced down at her watch. "No, crap, I can't. Could you please page Dr Karev and ask him to take care of it."
The nurse started to send the message. "Sure thing Dr Robbins."
"Thank you." Arizona finished signing the chart in her hands and after handing it to the nurse walked back to her office. She grabbed her handbag and walked over to the apartment to get her car. She drove for twenty minutes until she came across a plain-looking building, no sign whatsoever that this could be the place her salvation could be hiding.
Arizona shut the car door and adjusted her bag, took a deep calming breath and walked into the lobby. She found the name and floor she was looking for on the directory and took the elevator. She exited to find herself in a hallway, the writing on the door the only clue to her destination. She opened the door and was met with a sparsely decorated office, the only sign of life a secretary typing on her computer. Arizona cleared her throat and waited to be acknowledged.
"Good afternoon. You must be Dr Robbins." The young woman behind the desk gave her a friendly smile.
"Yes, that's me."
"If you'll have a seat I'll let the doctor know you're here."
Arizona nodded and took a seat, picked up a six month old magazine and skimmed through while the secretary pressed the intercom and announced her arrival. No more than five minutes later she was being ushered into the inner office, an inviting looking couch and a coffee table the only things separating her from the woman she hoped could help her. After she was seated and water had been offered, they got down to business.
"So Dr Robbins, first of all my name is Bond, Stacy Bond." Arizona let the smallest of smiles cross her face. Seeing this Stacy continued on hoping she'd made the first and most important connection with her patient - putting her at ease. "May I call you Arizona?"
Arizona played with the hem of her blouse and nodded. "Yes, that's fine."
Stacy nodded and relaxed back in her chair. "So Arizona, in this room I only have one rule. Thou shall always be honest. I'm not here to judge you or make you feel like crap. I'm simply here to listen and to help you work through the things in your life that you need or want help with."
Arizona nodded and relaxed back into the couch. "I can do that."
Stacy smiled and picked up her notepad and pen. "Great. So Arizona, what brings you to therapy?"
Arizona twiddled her fingers before she met Stacy's eyes. "I cheated on my wife."
"Why don't we start at the beginning. How did you meet you wife?"
Arizona started to give Stacy a rundown of her and Callie's life together, Stacy for the most part letting her talk with only a few queries along the way. Arizona talked about meeting her wife for the first time in the bar's bathroom, to their first date, the first time she met Carlos, all the way through to the car accident, Sofia's birth and their wedding. It wasn't until she got to the plane crash that her demeanour changed. Arizona sounded almost detached when she spoke of being in the woods for four days and then losing her leg. Almost like it wasn't her life she was talking about but a strangers she was relaying to a third-party. Stacy didn't miss the change in her voice and actions but didn't interrupt until Arizona finished speaking.
"Well, sounds like you and Callie have shared quite the adventure."
Arizona sighed tiredly. "Yeah, we sure have. And we would still be if I hadn't screwed it up."
"Arizona, you and Callie have been through so much in your life together. Most people would've given up a long time ago. The fact that the two of you made it this far says something about the love you share and the commitment you have towards each other."
"Until I turned into a slut and fucked it all up."
"Arizona, tell me, why do you think you cheated on your wife?"
Arizona shrugged and twisted her hands together. "I really don't know. I love Callie and Sofia with every inch of my heart and soul, but I really don't understand it myself. I slept with someone I knew for two days and messed up the best thing that ever happened to me. When I look at myself and what I did I feel disgusted."
"It's only natural to feel that way when we hurt the one's we love. Arizona, let's go back for a minute. Could you tell me more about the plane crash."
"Which part? The part where I sat there with my femur exposed for four days? Or how about sitting in my own waste the whole time? Or when I made it home alive and Callie cuts off my leg? Hmm. Which part interests you the most?" Arizona's voice raised higher and higher with every question she posed to the therapist.
Stacy put down her pen and took a sip of water to let Arizona calm down. "Arizona, when you spoke of your life with Callie and Sofia I could feel the happiness and sadness when you talked, the ups and downs. But when you told me about the plane crash and your amputation earlier you were void of emotion, almost like you don't want to talk about it. When I push you to open up about it you get angry. Did you do the same with Callie?"
"I admit I was angry at Callie for cutting off my leg but I moved on. I apologised for treating her like crap and we even had sex. It took me a while to get there and feel comfortable with my body again after losing my leg but we did reconnect physically."
"Yet you slept with someone you knew for only two days. Did you fall instantly in love with this woman?"
"No, God no. The sex wasn't even good."
"Then ask yourself this. If you really did move on why did you have sex with another person? Did you want to punish Callie for cutting off your leg?"
Arizona went to deny it but shut her mouth again before she spoke. Stacy was right, she did that to Callie. The only time she ever had any emotion for a long time after the crash was anger. She never once opened up to her wife about what she'd been through. The only time she thought about being in the accident was when she looked down at her leg, otherwise she ignored what had happened to her. It was no wonder Callie couldn't understand what happened to her in those four days, why she tried to include herself in something she wasn't a part of. It was like someone shined a light in a dark tunnel and she could see clearly for the first time since that plane fell out of the sky.
Arizona felt the tear trickle down her face and she quickly wiped it away. "I didn't know that's what I was doing. I swear I never wanted to hurt Callie or Sofia. I love them."
Stacy offered Arizona a tissue which she gratefully accepted. "When someone suffers a life altering event they have to face what they went through head on. If they shy away from it, if they ignore their emotions for the sake of others or downplay them it will get on top of them eventually. And that is what I believe happened to you. Arizona you do have PTSD. You've expressed anger towards Callie in the past but for the most part I think you internalized your real anger until it exploded and the way it exploded was you sleeping with this other woman. I don't think you had any intension of going out there and cheating on Callie but we need to get to the heart of your anger in order for you to move on, in order for you to become the person you can look in the mirror again and love."
Arizona finished wiping the tears and nodded in agreement. "I want that again, I do. Callie said the same thing to me, that I need to find myself again before we can even know if we fit in each other's lives." Arizona raised her head and looked at Stacy with hopeful eyes. "I need help. Will you help me?"
"Yes, I will Arizona. You've taken the first step and recognised you need help and that's what I'm here for." Stacy looked at her watch and put down her notepad and pen. "That's all for today, you've done very well. I want you to go home and hug your daughter 'cause I think you need it right now."
"Yeah, I really do. Thanks again."
Stacy stood and escorted Arizona to the door. "I'll see you next week."
Arizona turned and looked at her therapist. "Yes, you will."
Arizona said a goodbye to the secretary and took the elevator back to the lobby and climbed into her car. She took a moment to clear her head before she started the car. The clarity was giving her a headache but at least it was all out in the open. Saying you're sorry and having sex with her wife had solved nothing when deep down she was still angry at Callie for cutting off her leg. All she'd done was ignore her pain and let the anger and resentment build up until it exploded. Callie was 100% right. She needed to work through her issues and find herself first.
Arizona arrived back at the hospital and instead of going to the Peads floor went to the day care. She signed herself in and found Sofia playing with Zola. Arizona stood back and watched them play before Sofia finally noticed her Mama standing there. She put down her toy and ran over, practically leaping into Arizona's arms. Arizona collapsed back into a bean bag with her baby in her arms. Sofia started to babble away and Arizona just let her, softly stroking her daughter's hair, hair that reminded her so much of her wife's.
Neither of them knew Callie saw the whole thing, her heart filled with love at the scene in front of her, her anger towards Arizona the only thing holding her back from joining her family. Callie walked away before she was could get caught but not before Arizona saw her retreating form and felt the sadness roll over her in waves. A new determination came with it though, she would fix herself and she would prove to Callie that she could be trusted again. She could not and would not fail. She made the silent promise to herself, to Callie and to Sofia that she would get better for them all and they would be a family again if it took the rest of her life.
Hello. Apologies for taking so long to update. Between stroller shopping with my sister, my best friends baby shower and work, it's been a looooong week. I will be ignoring the Halloween show and moving on to Carlos coming to town, that seems like a story line that fits my fiction much better. Thank you to those of you reading, any suggestions please let me know. Tigersforever. P.S. RED SOX! WORLD CHAMPIONS BABY, YEAH!