So, I am going on vacation, so this will be my last post until Monday April 24. Hope you enjoy this! :)

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"Are you going to the Rogue's party tonight?"

Han experienced a moment of disquiet. This whole thing between Leia and himself was so new. Was she going to pull that typical, female crap about controlling where he goes and what he does?

He turned from the computer terminal and looked at her standing beside his chair. For a fleeting moment, he was distracted. How could she look so damned beautiful in that plain, gray uniform?

"I was thinkin' about it." He wasn't sure if he had managed to keep the defensiveness from his tone.

She leaned back against the bulkhead, crossed her arms over her chest, and turned her gaze to the floor. "I was thinking of going, too," she said in a shy, uncertain tone.

His eyebrows rose to meet his hairline before a grin spread to half his face. "Cause you had so much fun last time?"

She cast him a simpering smirk. "Well, I had some fun last time." One brow rose playfully. "Then someone walked out on me."

Chagrined at the reminder, his expression grew apologetic. He reached forward and pulled her into his lap, lacing his arms around her waist. "Well, I promise that won't happen again." Her head tipped to his and he kissed her, quick and light.

One hand moved to toy with his collar and her eyes followed the movements of her fingers.

"I thought that perhaps…" She hesitated, a reticence dominating her expression. "Perhaps we could go to the party together."

Han's eyes widened in surprise at the suggestion. By the time she looked at him, he had composed himself. What exactly did she mean by 'together?' "You don't wanna walk in by yourself?"

Her eyes lit with confusion. "What do you mean?"

He gave a slight shrug. "Last time you got there after us. Must've been hard walkin' in by yourself."

She was staring at him as if he were a most perplexing puzzle. The light seemed to suddenly dawn and her eyes squinted in disbelief. "You think…you think I want to go with you so I don't have to walk in alone?"

By her tone, he knew he had said something wrong. Lips poised quizzically, he tried to decide how to respond. What he eventually came up with was less than eloquent.

"Well, I dunno."

She took a breath, closed her eyes, and seemed to be composing herself. Finally, she looked at him, one hand raised to shoulder height. "I want to go with you because…" She hesitated, seeming to second guess herself. "Isn't that the type of thing that couples do? Go to parties together?"

Couples? Had he ever been part of a traditional couple? Was he part of one now?

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"You don't know?"

He shrugged mutely.

Leia sat back and scrutinized him. "Do you want to go together?"

"Sure."

"You don't look so sure." A hint of nervousness was in both her expression and her voice.

He looked away, uncomfortable with the entire conversation. "I dunno, Leia, it's strange."

She tensed. "What don't you know? And what's strange?"

"All of it," he said, gesturing as if it were obvious.

She stood from his lap, hands planting at her hips. "What are you worried about?"

He sighed. "I just wasn't expecting to be putting on a show for everyone." He knew the words had been a mistake even before her eyes turned steely.

"A show?"

It was too late to back out of this one. He nodded.

"Being seen in public with me is a show?"

"C'mon, I didn't mean it that way."

"What way?" Her eyebrows seemed both lower and darker below the crevasses in her brow.

"I dunno, whatever wrong way you're taking it."

"You're not exactly explaining it well."

"That's just me."

"So, let me see if I am understanding you." There was a swift, biting edge to her voice. "It's plenty of fun to act like a couple when we're anonymous. But, amidst the people we actually know, we must remain at arms' length."

"That's not what I said, Leia."

"No, but it's what you meant." She crossed her arms over her chest and bent one leg.

Thoroughly frustrated, he stood and bent over her, feet solidly placed. "Look, I just don't want anyone havin' expectations for us that we don't have for ourselves."

"You mean that you don't have." Mouth clenched, she was as angry as Han had ever seen her.

He hesitated. "All right," he finally admitted. "That I don't have."

Her response was lethal and quiet. "Well. I'm sorry to learn that we have such different expectations."

Softening, he moved close and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Sweetheart," he murmured soothingly. "Do we have to define this?"

It was clearly too late to recoup so easily. Her eyes softened but her mouth remained hard and unyielding. "Do you know that I wake up every morning wondering if, after the last day of your contact, you'll be gone?"

A quiet pang of guilt slashed through him.

"And that's not that far off in the future," she continued. "But, I try not to think about it and just enjoy every moment we have together. And I tip-toe around the subject because I don't know what might scare you off.

He opened his mouth to deny it, but she kept speaking.

"You wasted all this time we might have had, blaming me for something I didn't even mean." Her arms fell to her sides and she stood to her full, diminutive height, backing away from him so that his hands were forced to release his hold on her shoulders. "All I've done is wait for you, for almost four years now. And I'm still waiting."

Her words caused a reflexive lowering of his eyes.

"But, never mind, Han. If going to a stupid party together is too much of a commitment for you, that's fine. Go by yourself. Have fun!" She spun quickly on her heel and stalked stiffly away.

Her words stung and sent his emotions into an uproar of anger, embarrassment, and confusion. Regretting the words almost as soon as they left his mouth, he called after her.

"This crap is why I don't do relationships!"

One thing hadn't changed. They still knew how to piss each other off.

###

Winding his way down the corridor, Han couldn't help but feel a touch of nervousness. After the way they had left things earlier, he expected a chilly reception.

Why did everything have to be so confusing? Things had been going great as they were. Why did it have to get complicated? Women always wanted more.

After his initial bluster, unease had settled in, and his anger had disappeared down a whirlpool to be flushed from his system. Left in its wake were only sheepishness and anxiety.

What if Leia's parting words were an end to…whatever was between them. He didn't want that…really didn't want it. Now, he would try to repair the damage with as little acknowledgment to it as possible. Action was preferable to words.

He just hoped it was enough for her.

Stopping at the door to her quarters, he took a moment to bolster his resolve. With a deep sigh of dread, he knocked rapidly.

He waited. Just as he began to think she would not answer, the door slid aside. He was not surprised to find that she wore a light blue robe over her white sleepgown.

Curious irritation faded to wariness as she registered his presence. Eyes clouded, her head shifted to one side with leery expectance.

"Get dressed," he said shortly.

"What?" she snapped.

"Get dressed." He ushered her with wave of his hand. "We have a party to get to."

He could almost hear her feet digging into the floor below her.

The hand clutching her robe closed dropped to her side. "I'm not going."

"Sure, you are." He stepped forward, expecting her to back up and allow him to enter, but she remained stubbornly in place. He had no choice but to halt as she craned her neck to glare at him.

He sighed. "Can I come in?"

"Why?"

"So we can talk."

She seemed to mull it over, leaving Han dangling hopefully. Finally, she took a step backwards, spun away from him, and went to the small table beside the bunk. Relieved, he followed her inside and sat on the bed so that he could see her face. Leia had begun to remove the pins from her hair without looking at him.

"Look, I'm sorry about before," he said plainly.

Her fingers began tearing apart the braids that had tumbled past her shoulders, but she remained silent.

Han didn't know what to say. This was not a position he had ever been in before. In the past, if a woman were upset with him, he would either feed her some sweet talk or walk away. But, Leia was different.

"Leia, c'mon," he implored.

"Come on, what?" she asked tersely, fingers moving more quickly than Han's eyes could follow.

"You know, this isn't easy for me."

Her hands suddenly halted their movements and she turned to him with narrowed eyes. "And you think it's easy for me? I've given my whole heart to you, you know exactly how I feel. And I have no idea how you feel or if you're even going to stick around. You might break my heart in a few weeks' time, and yet, here I am every day, opening myself up to you more and more. While you take the easy way out and say nothing, promise nothing. I'm the one who's likely to get hurt in this scenario."

A bit surprised by her words, he took a long moment to process them. She just looked at him, eyes sharp with an underlying hint of pain beneath the anger. It took him another moment to form a response.

"Well…" he began slowly. "You know how I feel."

Her eyebrows quickly rose. "And how would I know that?"

"Cause you know. You knew a long time ago."

"Did I now?" Her fists moved to her hips. "And what is it that I've known? Because right now, I feel like I know nothing."

Han swallowed hard against the building tension, made only greater by the effort of trying to find words to answer her. With a small sigh, his eyes dropped to the floor as he struggled to sort his feelings into words. "I guess I…didn't realize this was hard on you, too. You act like it's not."

"I guess you're not the only one who can hide your feelings," she said coldly.

That drew his eyes back to her, but only for a moment. He stared hard at the floor. "I thought how I feel is pretty obvious."

"Maybe to you."

He nodded and expelled a deep, tense breath. "I mean, all this time…I've always had your back."

"You've always had Luke's back as well. Do you feel the same for him as you do for me?" Her tone had become quieter, yet still held a hard edge.

He smirked without looking at her. "Not exactly."

Her tone abruptly softened. "Han, I understand that this is difficult for you. But it's difficult for me, too. You have all the power here."

His entire face distorted with bewilderment as his gaze jumped to hers. "I have all the power? How do ya figure that?"

All traces of anger fled her and now her eyes were simply sorrowful. "You get to decide," she said solemnly. "You get to decide whether you stay or go."

He realized she was right, although he had never thought of it in those terms. He spent so much time thinking about his own risks, he hadn't given any thought to what Leia was risking.

"I've placed my bets and put all my cards on the table. And I've allowed you to play your cards close." She paused meaningfully. "Now, I call. I need to see some of your cards. I need to know I'm not wasting my time entirely."

Something fluttered deep in his chest. With a long exhalation, he stood to face her and shoved his hands into his pockets. His eyes drifted around the room before settling unsteadily on her.

Gazing up at him, her eyes looked large and fearful, as he had never seen them before. Longing softened him to his core and he reached out to her with both arms.

"No." She shoved him back with more force than expected and her features hardened. "Don't." Her voice was low. "Not unless it means something."

His hands hung at his sides but he took a step closer to her. "Of course it means something. It's always meant something."

"What does it mean?"

What does it mean? The question echoed in his mind. Gods, what could he say to that? His eyes bounced away and back to her several times as his thoughts raced. How could he put it into words? No woman had ever meant something to him before. And there had been a lot of woman before her.

A thread streamed and caught in the branches of his thoughts, and he latched onto it tightly, desperately.

Gaze levelling at her neck, he answered slowly. "I've been with a lot of women before, Leia. But…I've never felt this way before."

"This way?" she asked softly. "What is 'this way'?"

He looked at her briefly then looked away again. How could he possibly put it into words? He swallowed. "This way is…it's like…" He thought for a moment about the nothingness he had experienced with women in the past, how there was no depth, no meaning. Then, he thought about the spark that had always been between himself and Leia, from the very beginning. The words came to him suddenly. "Like doin' a spacewalk in zero g. Floating. Weightless."

He forced himself to meet her eyes, found them wide for the longest, most dreadful moment. He had bungled it, he was certain of it.

Slowly, one side of her mouth began to curve upwards, and she was suddenly grinning, eyes radiant. "Zero g? Is that the best you could do?"

He shrugged, relief coursing through his being. "Hey, I'm a pilot."

"You sure are."

This time, when he reached for her, she didn't resist. When he lowered his lips to hers, the unbidden thought smacked him hard in the gut.

I love her.

He hadn't known it a moment ago, had realized it in an instant.

Gods, how had this happened?

He was barely aware of his lips moving with hers, was far too unnerved to register anything else.

What the hell do I do now?

She ended the kiss and he opened his eyes, looked at her, and it almost seemed as if he were seeing her for the first time. The tender look in her dark eyes sent him momentarily breathless. He just stared at her, transfixed.

"What is it?" Leia asked with soft wonder.

Han swallowed and briskly shook his head. "Nothing."

"Are you sure? You looked…almost surprised by something."

His eyes took in her half-braided head and he smiled. "You're beautiful," he said truthfully.

She smiled with obvious pleasure. "You're not so bad yourself."

"I know." He flashed a smug smile and she rolled her eyes in response. He needed to dispel the moment. "C'mon, get dressed. We have a party to go to."