Callie sat in the gallery above the OR watching Derek Sheppard place the implant in one of their up and coming test subjects, her mind still a little cluttered after her conversation, well fight, with Arizona. She knew Arizona had a point, she said from the beginning that Arizona had to find out who she was now and see if they could fit together. And deep down Callie felt they really could, she really did want this version of Arizona as she was. Her wife was coming to terms with the hand fate had dealt her and being comfortable with who she was now.
Sure, Arizona lied about not knowing why she cheated, but considering how many times she hid behind that fake smile and didn't tell Callie the truth about how she felt about things, about everything really, she really had come a long way. Callie could forgive it, hell, she could understand not being ready to tell the truth when you know what it is and why you do something. She hid so much of her real self when she first started to realize her attraction to women and she cheated on Erica with Mark to try to figure herself out. She lied to herself about needing to be with a man to make sure being with a woman was what she wanted when she knew deep down she did and all that accomplished was hurting someone she really cared about. And as much as it did hurt Callie to know that she was still pushing Arizona when she didn't realize it, it was so much easier to know the truth now and talk about it then let it fester and blow up in their faces later.
Derek asked for 4.0 Vicral and started to place the stitches in the patients cranium, effectively ending the surgery. Callie sighed, she really hoped by talking about her and Derek's research that Arizona would get a little excited about it but if she didn't want it, well then, Callie wouldn't push it. Arizona was a stubborn woman who knew what she wanted, that was evident from the moment she kissed her in a dirty bar bathroom. If she decided later on she wanted to try what Callie and Derek came up with then that was great, if she didn't, it was her choice. Callie had tried really hard not to push Arizona while she went through therapy but it was a habit she fell back into when things looked like they were back on track again and it was a habit she knew she had to break once and for all.
On the Peads floor Arizona was talking to the parents of a little boy whose Appy she just finished performing, her mind not fully on the job though as she thought about what had gone on with her and Callie this morning. Arizona really did need a push when she first came home from hospital but now she was becoming the independent person she wanted to be again she wasn't going to be hurried along or made to feel she wasn't the best she could be. She loved how much Callie cared, how much she wanted to care for her, but if they were going to be a couple again it had to be equal. Their relationship couldn't and shouldn't be about one half taking care of the other. If she needed help she would ask. She promised Callie she would and Arizona would add it to the promise she made to herself about getting better for her and their family. The only dread she felt was telling Stacy she broke her golden rule about telling the truth and that would be something she would face tomorrow when she had her next session.
At noon Callie and Arizona made their way to the day care centre to have lunch with their little girl and help Sofia with her Christmas card. Their initial encounter was a little strained and awkward. Callie put her hands in her pockets while Arizona twiddled her fingers together.
"So, um, how was Derek's surgery?"
"It was fine. We started our test with todays subject, nothing exciting yet."
Callie turned her head back to the front of the elevator not really wanted to talk about their research after this morning. Arizona sighed, she wanted Callie to talk about her work, she could see how much heart and soul she poured into it, she just didn't want Callie to only do it for her. They soon arrived at the entrance, Sofia jumping up as soon as she saw her mommies enter the room.
"Mommy, Mama, you came!"
Callie picked up Sofia and twirled her around before finally bringing her back down and balancing her on her hip, planting a kiss on her chubby little cheek and then leaned her down slightly so Arizona could do the same.
"We told you we would."
Arizona tickled Sofia who giggled away in Callie's arms. "We wouldn't miss this for the world big girl."
Callie put Sofia back down on the ground and followed her daughter to her workstation, Arizona bringing up the rear. They sat cross-legged on the ground around the table and were soon joined by Derek and Meredith who were doing the same with Zola. They all sat there in a circle, colouring and sticking pieces of fabric on the cards, completing the look with mounds of glitter.
Arizona looked across the table at Callie, her smile wide as she helped Sofia with her card. Arizona was grateful their daughter had stayed the same happy little girl through all of this. It was the one thing she and Callie had always agreed on. No matter where their paths took them, Sofia came first, that was never up for discussion. Arizona cleared her throat and finally caught Callie's eye.
"So, are you coming to April's bridal shower this afternoon? 'Cause I met the sisters just before and let me tell you, this will be worth seeing. They are nuts, not to mention completely inappropriate to people they've never met before. April warned me, but I think she left out a lot."
Callie couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her face at Arizona's rambling. "I might be able to. Depends on how this afternoon's session goes. What time is it?"
"It's not until four, so plenty of time."
"Okay, no promises, but I will try."
Arizona nodded and turned her attention to Meredith. "You're gonna be there right?"
"Yeah. I have a laparoscopic Chole with Bailey and then I'm free."
"Awesome. I promise you will entertained."
Arizona turned her attention back to Sofia, leaning over to place a kiss to the side of her head and sharing a smile with Callie. They finished the cards and stayed seated to have lunch with Sofia and Zola, juice boxes all around and sandwiches which made them feel like they were back in grade school, but it was so much fun. Soon enough though they all had to go back to work while the girls took an afternoon nap. Before Callie could walk away Arizona pulled her aside.
"Are you okay Cal? Are we okay?"
Callie sighed and put her hands in her pockets. "I'm okay and yes, we're okay. I'm a little hurt and I just need some space okay."
Arizona slowly nodded her head. "No, it's okay, I get it."
Callie put her hands on Arizona's upper arms and looked her in the eye. "We are going to be fine Arizona. We've already been through so much and this is just another thing we have to work through and we will, but I need some time to process everything you said. I'll see you later."
Arizona nodded as Callie finally walked away, her coat swinging in her wake and her head down slightly. Arizona sighed, why didn't she just tell the truth from the beginning? She asked Stacey for help and she made herself a promise, a vow, to get better but it had taken her this long to finally tell the truth and Callie was right. She should have trusted her and been honest and not hid it and kept on lying to everyone who cared about her and the stupidest part, lying to herself. All that had accomplished was setting her healing process back and hurting Callie all over again. Arizona pulled out her phone and made a quick call. She went back to the Peads floor to make sure everything was under control and quickly drove her car to Stacy's office building. She sat in the waiting room, her leg jiggling with nervousness. The secretary finally ushered her into the room and she sat in the offered chair, a heaviness in her heart and on her mind.
Stacy picked up her notepad and pen and looked at Arizona. "So, Arizona, what brings you here today? It must be something important for you to beg to see me today instead of waiting until tomorrow."
Arizona blurted it out. "I lied to you. I knew why I cheated on Callie all along. I finally told her today and I needed to tell you too. You are an important part of my healing process and I lied to you. I don't think sorry is ever gonna cover this, but I am. I am so sorry."
Stacey put down her pad and pen and sat back in her chair. "I don't like to judge but I have to say I am very disappointed in you Arizona. You broke my one rule and that kind of hurts."
Arizona's head went down and she held back her tears. "I seem to hurt everyone today." Arizona wiped at a tear that finally escaped and looked at her therapist.
"What do you mean by that Arizona? Don't be shy with me now. What happened?" Stacey leaned forward and picked up her pad and pen again.
Arizona enlightened Stacy about her encounter with Callie this morning and how she finally told the whole truth about knowing why she cheated and how Callie made her feel when she always seemed to be trying to fix her leg and Arizona herself.
"I had to tell her that I don't want her to fix me and that if I needed help I would ask. It was hard to do but I had to tell her, I couldn't hold it in any longer. And as for knowing why I cheated, the only excuse I can offer was that I was so desperate to get her back that I kept lying about why I cheated so she would give me a chance if she thought I didn't know. I didn't want to admit to Callie or you or even myself that I had done something so cruel and heartless to the woman I love. She told me we're okay and I will give her the space she asked me for but I can't help but feel she's one disappointment away from leaving me for good."
"I understand Callie being upset but what you did was the right thing. You needed to be honest about how you felt and she needed to hear that. You can't sugar coat the truth all the time and magically think everything will work itself out. And by the way, I may be blonde but I ain't dumb. I knew you weren't telling me the whole truth about not knowing why you cheated. I had hoped you would've come clean sooner, but hey, at least you finally got there."
Arizona did a double take and met the smirking eyes of her therapist. "Why didn't you say something?"
"Arizona, everything that we've talked about has shaped you in some way but this was the last big thing you needed to work through in order for you to finally accept what you did and why. The fact is, I couldn't do it for you, you and only you could do this. You had to admit to yourself why you cheated in order for you to get past it and now that you have you can move on. This will always be a part of who you are now and as much as you would like to change that, you can't. You said you need Callie to accept you for who you are now, well then you have to own what you did to your wife and your family. Being honest is hard, but often times you feel so much better once it's out there. Tell me Arizona, did you feel relieved once you admitted everything out loud?"
Arizona squirmed a little in her chair. "I did actually. Callie and I fall into this trap all the time. We hide the truth to spare each other's feelings and it always backfires, nearly every single time. But it felt like once we talked about it she finally understood, that she has finally accepted that this me is who I will always be from this point on. I told her we could get through this with love and I hope I'm right."
"It sounds to me like the two of you just have to keep doing what you've been doing. Talk to each other, don't hold back and most importantly, be honest. The truth often has a way of kicking us in the butt but at the same time it sets us free. If you had been honest with Callie and told her you still blamed her for your amputation, told her that she was pushing you or that you didn't feel attractive after everything that had happened, do you think you would've even looked at another person? Do you think you would've put your relationship and marriage on the line for someone you knew for three days?"
Arizona shook her head. "No, no way. It would've been a massive fight and we might have said some nasty things to each other but I believe it would've ended like it did today. We would've understood what each other was really going through and we would've worked through it. If there's one thing I could change about the past I would've been to see a therapist a long time ago and worked through my issues like I'm doing now. But I can't change it and as you said I have to own what I did and I do but I won't let Callie and I fall into this trap again. I need her to see me as an equal partner, not someone she has to take care of all the time."
Stacey put down her note pad and pen, relaxing back into her chair again. "Well, what are you waiting for? Tell Callie that not me."
Arizona rapidly rose out of her chair and hurried to the door. Before she could exit Stacy called out to her. "Good luck Arizona. I'll see you tomorrow."
Arizona nodded and exited the room, quickly driving her car back to the hospital. She looked at her watch and was happy to see she still had a little time before the bridal shower so she could talk to Callie. She found her wife and Derek standing by their computer, looking over their results from the day, big smiles on their faces. Arizona cleared her throat and got their attention. Callie turned and her smile faltered slightly but remained on her face. Arizona moved further into the room and took a nearby seat.
"So, how did it go? By the looks on your faces it went well."
Callie shrugged. "It went fine."
Derek turned to give Callie a funny look and then turned back to Arizona. "It went better than fine. The patient had a major breakthrough, the most heart warming thing I've seen in a long time. You know, except for when my kids do something so damn cute you just want to eat them up."
Arizona laughed. "I know what you mean. Sofia did this sneeze the other day and her whole body shook from it and she nearly fell out of her chair and I couldn't help laughing. Sofia scolded me and she looked just like Callie does if I forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste. Her little hands on her hips, so gorgeous."
While Arizona and Derek shared a laugh Callie stood silently. She couldn't help but be moved by their patient and it cleared up a lot of things in her mind. Sometimes love is all you need to make a breakthrough, love and a lot of patience. And as hurt as she had been by Arizona's revelations she felt better knowing the whole truth. Callie still needed a little bit of space to clear her head but she wasn't going to let them go backwards after all the good work they'd done up to this point. Callie looked at her watch and put her hand on Arizona's shoulder, her body still jiggling from her laughter as she kept comparing stories with Derek.
"We should get going if we want to get to the shower on time."
"Yeah, you guys go, I'll finish inputting todays data. Have fun." Derek turned back to the computer as he waved the two of them away.
Callie led the way to the elevators and pressed the button, Arizona standing beside her and fidgeting. Once they were inside Callie pushed the button again, standing at the back of the lift with her eyes closed, tiredness taking over her body after what was turning out to be a very long day, one that was far from over. Arizona couldn't hold back any longer so she pushed the emergency stop button and brought the elevator to a halt. Callie opened her eyes in shock at the unexpected jolt.
"What the hell Arizona?"
"I need you to tell me the truth." Callie raised one eyebrow as Arizona continued. "Are we really okay? 'Cause you don't seem to want to talk to me after this morning."
Callie sighed and met Arizona's eyes. "I'm just tired Arizona. Look, I may be hurt and upset but I still want us to work. I'm not giving up on us Arizona, so stop panicking."
Arizona swallowed hard. "I understand. I need us to be equals Callie. We need to be honest and open about everything, no matter how much it can hurt sometimes and we have to work together on this or there's no point in any of it. If you're really upset with me I want you to tell me, don't hold back."
"We are equals Arizona and we are in this together, but right now you're the one pushing me and I need you to back off and let it be. Give me a little room."
"I'm sorry. It's just, I've done so much to you I can't help but think sometimes it would be easier for you to walk away, especially now you know the truth."
Callie moved off the back wall of the elevator and took Arizona's head in her hands, placing a light kiss to her forehead. "Easier yeah, but not what I want. Give it time Arizona, be patient so we can both breathe and stop pushing it."
Arizona nodded yes and put her hands on the arms that were still cradling her face. "I will." Arizona looked at Callie with pleading eyes. "Callie, please stop shutting me out when it comes to your research. You can still talk to me about it. Look, I told you I don't need you to fix me and that's how I feel, but at the same time this research is amazing and brilliant and what you and Derek are doing is going to change so many lives. Please, don't hold back on talking about something that you are so passionate about. I want to hear about it, about all the things you do. You are outstanding and it makes me proud to be your wife. So please, don't shut me out. Talk to me, yell at me if you want, but don't hold back on something that lights up your world."
"You light up my world Arizona. Look, after this morning I admit I was hesitant to talk about my work because I thought you wouldn't want to hear about it, but I won't in the future. I promise I won't."
Arizona pulled Callie tight to her body and whispered a thank you in her ear, her arms around Callie's neck while Callie's circled her waist, both of them breathing each other in while they hugged. They finally pulled away, both of them wiping a tear or two. Arizona released the lift so they could finally reach their destination as Callie came to stand beside her. She decided they'd had enough drama for today and changed the subject.
"So, are April's sisters really that bad?"
"Oh my God, you have no idea. The first one starts talking about a cat that lost it's leg and how when she sees it hopping around, how that is real strength. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I don't think I could've handled growing up in that family."
Callie looked side ways at Arizona and back to the lift doors as they opened. "April found a way to adapt and you would've too. Even if those sisters of hers probably drove her to the brink of insanity she found a way to be the strong and loyal person she is today. Sometimes our real strength comes when we hit rock bottom. The truly strong get back up, dust themselves off, fix what needs to be fixed and get on with their lives. They might need help and guidance along the way, and when they need it they ask, but they never quit, even when things look bad. They might stumble and they might fall, but they get back up. I know someone like that and I'm proud I do. Even if sometimes she drives me crazy and does things that hurt me, I know deep down she's a good person and I wouldn't ever want to be without her."
Arizona stood frozen in the lift for a moment before Callie snapped her out of it. "Arizona, you coming or what? If what you said about April's sisters is true I don't want to miss a minute of this."
Callie held out her hand for Arizona to take, Arizona hesitating slightly until she finally walked forward and her hand met Callie's. With their fingers intertwined they walked together, side by side, to what would be an interesting afternoon of Kepner family fun.
Hello. I apologise massively for the extended delay. I needed to take some time off because I was seriously contemplating quitting this story all together. However, I decided to hell with the naysayers, on with the story. Having said that, after this chapter I will be doing a massive time jump to six months into the future. Let me know what you think and I hope you all have a happy and safe new year. Tigersforever.