So, there was some glitch and no notification was sent out for the last chapter, chapter 42: Be Mine. So, if you missed that chapter, you might want to read it before this one.
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The drone of the speeder bike's engine had been surprisingly soothing as Leia sat, arms wrapped tightly around Han's chest, and he steered them to the Falcon. His warmth combined with the engine's steady rhythm had lulled her into a false sense of security. They had travelled at a slow pace in the dark and Han's heartbeat had resounded beneath her hand the entire way, a reminder of all they had come through and survived. For a time, with her eyes closed, feeling the source of his blood pounding through his veins, she had been able to imagine that was all that mattered tonight.
Now, having showered and donned Han's long, white shirt, Leia sat at the counter in the galley, sipping a cup of tea that Han had prepared for her. Exhaustion had set deeply into her bones and all she really wanted was to sleep.
But, Han and she had unfinished business. She knew he was anxious to hear what she had to say. She was not anxious to say it, but they could not resolve things between them with something so horrifying hanging over their heads.
Marry me.
The most beautiful, most shocking words she had ever heard. Her instant reaction had been sheer joy, that this man she had loved for so long loved her back, enough to bond with her for life. The words had streamed through her and blazed her soul.
An instant later, a cloud of darkness muted her delight. Her heritage was a blight on her happiness, and surely Han would see her as tainted, far from whom he would desire to spend his life with.
She was the daughter of a monster. Did that not mean that she was capable of such monstrous darkness herself?
In the end, he turned back to the light.
Luke's words were not even remotely comforting. Would they ever be? Would enough time ever pass to erase his atrocities?
Han appeared, hair still damp from the shower, wearing only his gray sleep shorts and a smile. Leia's eyes roamed his long, sinewy form and she couldn't help but smile. She loved every beautiful inch of him.
"Always undressing me with your eyes," he teased.
"Well, you've left little to the imagination."
He came forward and sat on the stool beside her then spun to face her, lopsided grin still beaming. "I know how much you like the view."
"Mmm. It does add value to this heap of a ship."
His brow lowered in mock indignation. "You'd be surprised how much this baby's worth."
She decided to end the teasing before things went awry. Han was very sensitive about his ship. "Would you like some tea?"
"Not much of a tea drinker."
"Kaffe?"
"Nah."
She was stalling and he probably knew it. Her eyes lowered nervously to the contents of her cup and she fingered the handle.
"Ya know." He cleared his throat. "Usually I'd say you don't have to tell me about whatever it is till you're ready." He looked at her meaningfully. "But, this time, I'm waiting for an answer to a very important question. So, this time I'm gonna push the subject."
Leia grimaced as nervousness rushed through her. "I don't know where to begin."
"How 'bout the beginning," he drawled.
If only it were so easy. Eyes on her cup, she took a deep breath. Well, the beginning was easier than the end. Gathering her courage, she began speaking without looking at him.
"Do you remember that I told you I'm adopted?"
"Yeah."
She nodded and paused for a long moment. "My parents…" Her throat constricted at the word and she took another, shakier breath. "They knew my mother, my birth mother. They never told me her name, but they told me that she died while birthing me." Who was this woman who had given herself to such a vile creature? What had they been like together? The thought turned her stomach. Had he loved her? Had he been capable of such an emotion?
"What they didn't tell me," she continued without betraying her inner turmoil. "Was that…" Her eyes found Han's and she held his questioning gaze unwaveringly. "I had a brother. A twin brother," she finished softly, the words hanging in the air as she waited for him to piece things together.
His brow furrowed in confusion and she could see the question at his lips as he processed this new information.
"As it turns out," she added. "My brother has been close by for quite some time."
Han's jaw went suddenly slack and she knew he understood.
"Yes," she said quietly. "It's Luke."
Mouth still dangling open, his eyes did a slow arc away from her to stare in shock at nothing.
"That, of course, is not the bad part." Bad was quite an understatement, she thought.
Han fixed his gaze back on her, mouth now closed, eyes still stunned.
"Luke and I were separated to protect us." She felt herself begin to tremble as she moved closer to the horrible truth. Han took her hand and squeezed it, yanking her eyes back to him. She saw him glance down and notice that she was shaking and he took the other hand as well.
"What'd you need protection from?"
Her throat closed against the words. She couldn't do this, she couldn't say it. Panic surged through her and her eyes swept shut against it.
Han slid from the stool and released her hands. "C'mere," he whispered, bundling her against him and locking her in his comforting arms.
Lost in his embrace, she clung to him like an anchor during a tsunami.
"It's okay," he whispered. "Whatever it is, you can tell me and it'll be okay."
But, would it? Would he look at her differently now, through the dark filter of this new knowledge? She was breathing too rapidly and began to feel dizzy, legs weak and unsteady.
Han whisked her up into his arms in a sudden motion and sat on the deck, cradling her and rocking back and forth, making soft, soothing noises of comfort. Slowly, after an indeterminate amount of time, she began to calm. The panic ebbed away and now she just felt tired and desolate.
She had to get this over with. How long could she deny him the truth? "We were hidden from our father." She spat the last word from her lips, filled with disgust and horror.
Han's warm hand was rubbing her back and the words seemed to expel as if his comfort were drawing them forth. "He was….a monster." She heard the venom in her own voice and suddenly wondered if hating him was a path to the dark side.
"You know who he is?" Han's voice drifted to her ears from beneath his chin.
Leia closed her eyes and the tears now came, a tide of misery and anguish. "Yes," she sobbed into his chest. "The whole galaxy knows who he is." She began to weep more violently, and through it all, Han's hands were still soothing her back. Leia felt the moment of his realization…in an instant, his hands stilled, his body tensed. Her breath caught, her sobs dried up, and she just waited for him to release her from his grasp, waited for the utter revulsion that was to come.
Then, his arms closed more tightly around her and he whispered low near her ear. "I love you, Leia."
Relief and confusion engulfed her and she began crying anew. Han's arms felt like the only things holding her together, the only things that were real and made sense.
Then, he was kissing the top of her head, near her ear, her cheeks, and finally her lips, as they trembled against his, tears flowing between them. He enfolded her in his arms again and held her until her tears had dissipated. He pulled back and wiped the tears from her face.
"You're exhausted," he said simply, voice husky. "Let's go to bed." He stood and offered her his hands, pulling her gently to her feet. His arm wrapped around her and she allowed him to lead her to his cabin.
She was exhausted, could barely think. Taking both her hands in his, he guided her to sit on the bed and climbed past her to the other side. Turning on his side, he pulled her into the circle of his arms and she felt her entire being collapse into him. This seemed the safest place she had ever known.
She was drifting off to sleep before she knew it.
