What felt like hours later, I sat on my bed, with my arms around my legs, mumbing the same sentence over and over again.

"…Det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel…." the door to my room was already opened, I could hear Mike coming up the stairs- his steps were easy to recognize. And then he came into my room.

"Emma?"

"…Det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel…" Mike came to sit down on my bed.

"Emma!"

"…Det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel, det är mitt fel..."

"Emma, I´m sorry, I can´t understand what you´re saying." For the first time since Jess had disappeared in an ambulance, I stopped repeating the sentence.

"It´s my fault."

"No, Emma. It´s not… don´t you believe that." Mike put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.

"Yes it is. Earlier today, I came into Jordan´s room, and I talked to Jess and him, and I told them, that if I had been in their place now, I would have chosen to meet my mum and hear what she had to say before just turning her down. But I must have said something wrong, because Jess went all, like, complained about how much I complain. And then Jess tried to kill herself with my meds."

"Emilia Peterson, now you listen to me very closely. What Jess did, it was not your fault, and you do under no circumstances complain too much, even if you would have done nothing else then cmplaining, no one would expect you to do anything else, because what you are going through. It´s harsh. It would be harsh for any person, especially for a child. And that Jess used your meds is not your fault. As well, Jess have got her own problems. She´s got problems I can´t help her with. As a care- worker, it was me who should have seen that."

"It´s not your fault Mike." I mumbled.

"Not yours either, nothing´s your fault." Mike put his chin on my hair, and breathed in my hair. I don´t know for how long we sat like that, because I must have fallen asleep, I woke up what I think was about an hour later, Mike was gone. But it was the fact that my cell was ringing that had woken me up.

"Mhm, Emma!"

"Hey Emma, it´s Leon." I sat up. "I didn´t wake you up did I?"

"Yeah… no worries."

"Well, have you made up your mind about coming home in the mid- term- holidays."

"I made up my mind ages ago, I´m coming home."

"Okay, in that case. You´ve got a ticket leaving from Newcastle airport at eleven thirty, A.M. British time, it will go straight to Kallax. But I´ll need to send it to Mike so that he can print them."

"Oh, ehrm. Leon, I haven´t really told Mike about this yet, so… can I call you when I have, so can you mail the tickets then?"

"Yeah, just give me a call then."

"I will… I gotta check something now, so… bye."

"Bye, love you."

"Love you more." I hung up, and stood up, Mike who had been sitting on the kitchen bench, jumped down and came walking to me, he hugged me.

"None of the others could relax enough to fall asleep. So we´re sitting here until we get some news."

"Okay." I took a cup with hot choclate, cream and marshmallows and then ignored when Carmen would let me sit next to her, I sat down on the bench behind the table, and looked down in the cup, at the marshmallows slowly melting in the hot drink.

"Emma?" I heard Carmen´s voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I´m fine."

"Really, you´re so quiet."

"Yeah, ot going on today."

"But I´m not just talking about today, you´ve been all quiet and weird for weeks."

"I said I´m FINE." I stood up, the cup fell to the floor andd cracked, but I stepped away from it, and didn´t care. "When I say I´m fine why can´t you just LISTEN?" I sighed, and got the broom and paper to get up what I had dropped to the floor. After beginning, I looked up to see everyone staring at me.

"What you all staring at?" I fizzled, threw the broken pieces in the bin and stormed out of the room and up to my own room. Storming out of the kitchen I heard Carmen´s voice.

"Now do you get what I´m talking about?" I didn´t care about her, and threw the door closed, I crawled in under the desk, pulled my arms around my knees and leaned my knees against the knees, I had only sat like that for a couple of minutes until there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" The door opened, I could only see the legs and feet, but I recognized Mike´s jeans and sneakers. He kneeled down, and then I could see he was holding two cups.

"What you doing under the desk?" he asked me. I shrugged, and looked away from him. He placed the cups on the desk and reached his hands towards me.

"Come on, get out from there." He said in a soft voice. "It´s dusty you´ll have a cold." I hesitated for a second, and then pulled myself closer to Mike. Mike grabbed me under the arms and lifted me up, then he hugged me for God knows which time today, I walked to sit down on my bed, and I pushed myself backwards so I could lean against the wall, I hugged my legs again. Mike reached me one of the cups, which was filled with a new round of hot chocolate, cream and marshmallows.

"I don´t deserve it." I mumbled.

"Yes you do. And you need it as well, come on take it." I slowly reached my hands upwards, and grabbed the hot cup. I took a few small sips from it. Mike sat down next to me.

"Emma, Carmen´s right! You´ve been acting a bit weird for a while. You haven´t been yourself. Emma, I don´t know what it is. And I don´t know if you´re ready to tell anyone yet. But when you are, we´ll be right here. You know that right?"

"Yes."

"I´m also going to pretend that I haven´t seen the papers you´re hiding under your pillow, I don´t know what they are or why you´re trying to hide them. I´m gonna let you tell you about everything in your own time." Mike laid his palm on my hair, and stroke fastly over it, and then stood up.

"I´m going down to the others, you can come if you want to." I nodded, and just as he was on his way out the door I called out.

"Mike?"

"Yes?"

"It would have been Jonas´ sixth birthday on Friday, I was hoping, I know he´s… gone and so… but could we do something like… I don´t know." Mike sighed.

"Sorry kiddo, I don't think so… it wouldn´t be good for anyone."

"Yeah I guess…. Okay." Mike smiled at me, and then turn around. I drank the whole cup of chocolate, and then walked downstairs, just as I came walking down the stairs, the front door opened and Gina came in. In just a few second everyone had gathered in the hallway, looking worriedly at Gina.

"Jess will be fine." Four words- yet they meant so much to all of us. I sunk down in the stairs and pu my head in my hands. I heard Gina mumble something to Mike about Sunshine, Jordan and some guy called Riley Stuart, but my thoughts were way too much just a big mess to be able to reflect on that part.

That night when I went to bed, the clock had passed midnight, and therefore I crossed the square for October the first in my calendar. And for every night that passed since then, I got more and more nervous about the fifth coming closer, and closer.