The Friday was the fifth of October, and I walked around as in a fog all day, I couldn't concentrate on my teachers when they were talking, and didn´t take thousands upon thousands of notes as I used to. When we were supposed to work with our own stuff, I sat with the books open in front of me, pencil in hand, elbow on the bench, head in hand and staring right in front of me. All in all I had four different teachers Mrs. Hart didn´t seem to care at all, Mrs. Duncan and Miss Murray asked me what was wrong- but when I refused to answer they walked away and didn´t care more about it. Then if just Mr. Wilson would have left me alone too.

But Mr. Axl Wilson didn´t give up that easily, he kept on nagging me for over ten minutes, but of course- he had most reason to worry- maths was usually my favorite subject- but he sure did try everything, at last I got tired of him and glared at him- if only looks could kill. Then he patted my shoulder and walked away.

"You go, " I said to the other TDG- residents when we started walking towards the dumping ground. "I gotta fix something." I walked away from the others to the Supermarket nearby, I bought a light, just a clear white one, and walked home by myself with it in my hand. When I came home I found something to put it in so it would be standing, then I got a framed photo of Jonas, put the photo and the light next to each other on the kitchen island. Then I got a chair and sat down by it, after getting some matches and lighten up the light.

For a long while I just sat there, standing at the light- all of the others were out in the garden doing whatever, so I was all alone in the house. But could still hear the others laugh and chatter outside.

I was concentrating on the light- and thinking about stuff so much I never heard when Mike came in through the front door, I didn´t hear his steps coming down the hall, just before I slowly started singing.

Ja må han leva
Ja må han leva
Ja må han leva
Uti hundrade år

Ja visst ska han leva
Ja visst ska han leva
Ja visst ska han leva
Uti hundrade år

"Ett fyrfaldigt leve för Jonas, han blir sex år idag. Hurra, hurra, hurra, hurra." I sighed, I had laid my arms down on the island and leaned my chin on my arm. I didn´t notice Mike was there, until I felt his hand on my shoulder blade.

"Emma, I told you you shouldn´t do anything for Jonas´ birthday, I did it for a reason. I did it because I thought doing that would make you feel even worse."

"Then you were right." I said with a thick voice.

"Blow out the light, take the photo and come with me."

"What?"

"Please." Mike walked out of the kitchen, I blew out the light and put it in the cupboard, I took the photo, and walked after Mike to the living room, he told me to place the photo on top of the piano, I did so and Mike placed one candle on each side of it. Then he gave me matches so I cold light them- which I did.

"Now… play whatever you want Emma… play for Jonas, however you want." I laid my hands up on the piano, thoughts were spinning in my head, whether I would just improvise as usual, go up and get the sheet- music for mine and Jonas´ song? I finally decided on mine and Jonas´ song, as I told Mike I would get something, and then I got not just he sheets, but also a photo of me and Jonas in Greece. I walked downstairs again, leaned the photo against the frame and put the notes in front of me, then it started.

…"Can I play with you Emma?" Jonas came over to the piano and jumped up to sit at the piano chair with me…

Tears started streamin down my cheeks again as memories started welling up inside of me…

...Jonas put his hands next to mine, as I started improvasing, Jonas put his hands on one note and hit it with the rhythm of what I did…

It started getting hard to read the notes as my vision got blurry from all the tears

…Mum came and put an empty sheet- music paper in front of us and gave me a pencil so I could write the song down…

I played the last tones of the song, and then moved my hands from the piano. When I was playing piano, I went both blind and deaf for the rest of the world, so when all of the others started clapping behind my back I almost jumped, I watched them for a second, apparently everybody had come in. I nodded thanks to them and then turned around, next. The others started walking out of the room, I guessed that Mike or Gina had showed them to go, but I just stared into the piano and didn´t look around.

I turned my head when Mike sat down next to me, looked into his kind brown eyes for a split second before I looked down again and started speaking with a broken voice.

"It was our song." I began. "Jonas… he came and sat down by our piano one day and put his fingers on one note, then he pressed them to what I was improvising, mum came with these empty papers and I wrote the notes down." My voice almost broke at the last word and I took a deep breath and thought about what else to say.

"He was just five Mike… And, he was my very best friend, I… I try to see my future and everything I can see is just loads and loads of years without Jonas. Every night when I go to bed, I just… I almost wish that I´m not going to wake up again. Because, I´m so afraid that also tomorrow will be a bad day."

"Don´t think about tomorrow Emma," Mike put his arm around my shoulders. "Instead, try to be and live, here, now, today. If tomorrow´s a bad day then we´ll deal with it then, and when… what is it people say… when you can´t keep on walking on yourself, then we´ll all be here and support you."

"I miss him so much… I, I, I don´t know if I can make it without him." I was now sobbing violently.

"I know." Mike said, pulling me close. "It will be hard, but you´ll get through it. You´re so much stronger than you know yourself." I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down and then looked to Mike again.

"Jonas would´ve wanted me to be happy." I made an attempt to smile through the tears. "He loved to hear me laugh." Mike smiled towards me. "But I don´t know when I can do that again. It just seems like, ninety nine percent of all my days are days like this."

"Yeah, I know, but if it´s ninety nine now, maybe in a while it will be ninety eight, then ninety seven and so on. There are always going to be better and worse days, but the worse will be in some time, be much less than the better. And… when you want to give up," Mike reached for one pf the photos on the piano. The one with both me and Jonas in it, and held it so I could see it. "…Then try to concentrate on the happy moments." I nodded and took the photo, I leaned my head against Mike´s shoulder as he stroke my over- arm.

"By the way-" Mike suddenly exclaimed. "What was it you sang earlier?" I smiled.

"Swedish happy- birthday- song." I answered him.

"Weird language Swedish! Sounds so much like a huudie huudie I´m amazed someone can even hear one word from another, less I can understand that you actually know which word means what."

"Loads of Swedes can speak perfect- or at least pretty good English- but for those who´s really, really bad at English- that´s about what they think of that, except it don´t realy sound like huudie huudie."

"What does it sound like then?" Mike asked, I shrugged.

"I don´t know, dad always spoke in English to us, ever since I was little so- I´ve always been able to understand it well enough to tell one word from another."

"He was from England?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "He was… I know you´re right now, how come both Leon and Levi lived in Sweden if they´re from England, and in the same city as well. But… can we take it another time?"

"Sure we can, whenever you´re ready kiddo."

Okay, Swedish birthday song, if you want to know what it actually sounds like, search for "me singing "ja må han leva" to Mr. Zeze" and you´ll find a video I made for Mr. Marr/ Zeze when he turned seventeen.

Well, it´s half past twelve in the night right now, got a feeling I should actually go to bed now. G´night.