I laid awake long after bed- time the night at what would have been Jonas' birthday. Right before what was midnight of Swedish time. And right before what was eleven British time I stared at the digital watch on my bedside table.
10: 58 P.M.
Just two minutes left of the day I and Jonas had been planning since Christmas. We had planned to have a huge delicios cake with a picture of Lightning McQueen from cars. I would give him a present wrapped in princess paper- as I did every year just because. We'd envite his three best friends- Malcolm, Erik and Sigge. And so I wouldn't have to be alone (Jonas's idea not mine) We'd invite my best friend Alex. We'd sit around the table in my room, sing the happy birthday song- the Swedish one- three different kinds, the English one- and the Norwegian one.
10:59 P.M.
Now it was but one minute left, this was the time I would sit in the living room sofa with Jonas on my lap- just looking at the watch and count down the seconds until it wasn't his birthday anymore. He'd lean his head back against my shoulder. Fighting to keep his eyes open the last minutes then fall asleep so I'd have to carry him to bed when he fell asleep two minutes after midnight.
11:00 P.M.
Eleven P.M. in Great Britain meant midnight in Sweden. And counted in Swedish time it was no longer Jonas's sixth birthday. I laid down and turned to the other side so I was staring into the wall. I had been crying so much today there must be so there weren't anymore tears to cry. Yet I could not fall asleep and it wasn't until the clock started drawing close to four in the morning I finally fell asleep.
I was walking through a hallway in a hospital, there are nurses and doctors running around me but everyone were so blurry. I had never been here before but I still knew exactly where I was going- room number 3- 62 I opened the door and walked in. The monitors were beeping with Jonas's every heartbeat.
Jonas looked so small and fragile in the bed. And he was so pail except for burns at his neck and head. He had it at his arms, hands, chest, stomach and legs too but- it was all under the quilt. A doctor stood on the opposite side of the bed from me as I walked up to the bed and took Jonah's burned hand.
Just as I took his hand the monitors started going wild and I could hear on them that his heart eventually stopped. The doctor looked to me, and I could see it in his eyes- I caused that!
I sat up straight in my bed with a scream, breathing heavily and soaking with sweat. The sun was shining through my window and I heard voices from downstairs so I knew it was morning already before I had looked at the clock. I sat up then stood up, pulled a morning gown over my pyjamas and walked downstairs.
It didn't seem like they had heard the scream as the ones who ate breakfast kept on chattering when I walked into the room. I sat down by the island and poured up some milk and cereal. Mike stood up and came over to me.
"Did you have a nightmare?" I looked up at him tiredly and just shrugged. I didn't want to talk about it. Mike smiled comforting, then turned around to walk back to the table again. I ate my cereal and put the bowl in the dishes and then walked upstairs again. I got the papers I had the calender in and looked at it for a minute. Nine days- that was what I had left before I would have had to told Mike what was going on- that I was leaving- and why.
After a while I walked downstairs again, the radio was on- it was playing some song I had never heard before. It was on the radio- and some of the lines hit me harder than the train. It was like I was listening to my own current thoughts about Jonas- and it was so beautiful. For a moment there was no more then me and the song. As I sunk down on my knees in the hallway. Mike came running.
"Emma? You okay?" I held up a hand to silent Mike.
"Sch. Listen to the lyrics of this." I said and continued to listen to the song when he had silent. When it ended I looked up at Mike. "I need to know which song that was before I've forgottten the lyrics."
"We'll use the internet in the office come on." I walked after Mike to the office, he logged into the network and got onto google."So what do you remember?" I tried hard to remember parts of the lyris.
"It's about to be Halloween, you could be anything you wanted if you were still here. I remember the last day, when I kissed your face, and whispered in your ear." Mike googled and got a page up.
"Is this it?" I read through the lyrics and answered him yes. "The song's made by Taylor Swift and is called Ronan." I sat down in the couch under the window and looked to my hands. Something in the song had made me think of the truth- the real truth. And I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful.
"What's going on?" Mike came to sit down next to me.
"Mike?" My voice was breaking. "Can I tell you something?" He nodded and answered me of course. "You know I've been telling you that Jonas died right away at the crash. That isn't the truth. The truth is that he was really badly burned. And… he ended up in a coma. And- I think it was like one day after the crash and Leon was still on his way. Jonas was in a respirator. And at last- these doctors they knew that there was nothing they could do except… well, you know. And they're not supposed to give anyone under eighteen so one of the doctors were to decide if they were going to turn of the respirator or not. And… he came into the room when I was there, and he said to me that… there was nothing more they could do. And he was not to put the responsibility on me because I'm under eighteen. But he wanted my opinion. And… I said I didn't want Jonas to suffer anymore so…" My voice broke.
"Emma? How do I know this is the truth?" I shrugged.
"You can't. I guess you'll just have to trust me." I hoped that he'd trust me now when I had told him the whole truth. That all my covers for what I felt that I'd done wrong hadn't destroyed my chances for people to believe the truth. Mike sighed.
"I believe you." Mike clapped my shoulder. I stood up.
"I'll go… whatever…" I walked out of the office, and walked out in the lounge. I felt strangely relieved now when I had told Mike the truth. As if a rock had been lifted from my heart with not keeping it to myself anymore. Carmen and Lily sat in a sofa with some girly magazine. Tee sat by the table, teaching Jody how to sew. Harry was playing with Jeff, Gus sat with his notebooks in a corner and Rick and Tyler were playing pool. I went to sit and watch TV on the opposite side of the table from Carmen and Lily when Carmen spoke up.
"Emma? What is Sweden like?"
"What do you mean what is it like?" I asked back. "It's like Great Britain only that people speak Swedish and Swedes are a lot less polite then what British people are."
"Why is that Swedes aren't polite." I shrugged.
"I don't know. That's just the way it is…. I once heard a story- I don't know if it's true but there was a man who came from Stockholm- the capital. Up to the north of Sweden. And what is quite typical for North Swedes is that we use quite a foul language to each other. So when this man came up to work for like six months he was quite schocked, and then when he had been there for six months he had started use that language himself. So when he came back home he almost lost his job because he used such a foul language- which is only normal in the North." The others laughed.
"Is it true you ride reindeers and polar bears?" I looked to Jody.
"NO. Of course not- there is one place in Scandinavia there are polar bears and that's Svalbard in Norway. I'm not sure about Greenland though- I think they have polar bears but I don't know if it's Scandinavia."
"Jeff doesn't know what Scandinavia is." Harry said.
"Scandinavia is Sweden Norway and Denmark…. Now Jody. We do not ride reindeers either however- we do eat Reindeermeat."
"Reindeermeat?" Tyler sounded quite disgusted.
"Yep, it's delicios, best meat ever- alongside Moose."
"Moose… that's so weird." I just laughed at the others reactions. Mike came into the room and he seemed to have been listening to parts of our conversation.
"Is there any typical Swedish dish that you could make with ingredients you can actually find here?" He smirked. I nodded.
"Yeah I could try to make Palt- Or Pitepalt- Piteå is a place in Sweden."
"Is it where you come from?" I shook my head.
"No it isn't- not too far away though. But Kiruna isn't too far away and that is three and a half hours driving- So the myth about that we say that something that is far away is pretty close is actually not really a myth- and we do count distance in time it takes to walk or drive or something like that."
"Palt it is then." Mike said. "Will you make it for dinner tomorrow."
"Sure Mike." I answered him, then I laid down again and watched TV- thinking about Jonas. I did feel relieved after telling Mike the truth. And with that thought- and that I had only slept for like three hours tonight I fell asleep in the sofa.
So well, if anyone wonders- no I am not from Piteå- however I do eat Pitepalt and reindeermeat, and moose, and deer… and it's true what Emma says that reindeer is the best meat ever.
The song Emma hears is a real song- Ronan by Taylor Swift. And I'm telling you guys you need to hear it. It is so beautiful.