Disclaimer: You're still reading this? I don't own it.
Authors Note: Here it is. Thank you to my beta, Sayle, for putting up with my terrible grammar. I don't know when the next chapter will be out. Hopefully before the weekend, but that may not happen.
Chapter 13- A Message
After the graduation ceremony our class was pulled aside and told to be at school at twelve the next day. My family had a quiet dinner as they presented me with gifts. My mother and father promised to take me out shopping for more appropriate clothes before school the next day, and my brothers had bought me a new set of kunai and shuriken along with a sharpening kit for them.
Yamanaka-san and Ino found me outside that evening and presented me with a pouch full of seeds. The variety was amazing. I had enough to make poisons, medicines and vines galore. It was exciting to be receiving all of this useful stuff. I thanked them profusely for their gift and promised to come back to them when I needed more.
The next morning my parents dragged me out shopping. I was never a big fan, but I couldn't stop from being excited this time. We found a plain pair of navy pants that stopped half way down my calf. The shirt I picked was black with long sleeves that covered the kunai I had sheathed there. I felt uncomfortable with just a shirt so I picked out a thin navy blue vest that I zippered up half way.
I finished off my outfit with a knee length black skirt that covered up the sheaths on my thighs. I wore my seed pouch on a black belt around my waist, where I also kept a long dagger.
When I wore my standard blue sandals and my head band I looked like a giant bruise because of all the blue and black. To be fair they are my favorite colors. By the time we were done shopping I still had time before I needed to be at school so I went to a training field to practice basic taijutsu against a dummy. That's how Sasuke and Itachi found me.
"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" I ask cheerfully. Itachi pushes Sasuke forward and he almost trips. He glares at Itachi a moment before turning to me and holding something out in his hands.
"Here. It's a birthday and graduation present from the two of us. You go through bandages so quickly we figured this would make things easier for you," I looked at his hands and smiled. They were simple fingerless gloves with a metal piece on it, much like the leaf headband.
"Thanks, I really appreciate it. Wanna help me test them out?" So I got my butt handed to me. They waved goodbye and headed in the opposite direction of the academy as I turned to go on my way. As I neared the gates I saw an eager and nervous looking Naruto.
"Hi, Naruto. Whatcha doin'? You do realize you're done with school for the summer, right?" he just rolls his eyes at me before jumping and shoving something in my hands.
"Here I got these for you as a present, because you always complain about your hair getting in the way. Sorry I couldn't get any better but these were the only ones I could afford…" he trails off looking nervous again. They were thick and sturdy ponytails. The ones I had always snapped after a few weeks of use. I had enough here for a year at least.
"Wow, thank you. These are just what I need," I smile at him and awkwardly pat him on the head. He smiles brightly at me and my smile widens.
"I knew you would love them! They're great aren't they?" he says enthusiastically and I nod my head in reply. We talk for a little longer before I head inside, with my shoulder length hair in a high pony and my head band around my forehead. I left my bangs over the forehead protector, a sign of my need to hide behind things.
As I meet up with the boys and we take our seats I can feel my nerves skyrocket. Looking around the room I can see that everyone is equally as nervous as the three of us. It really showed when our teacher walked in the room and it became quiet enough to hear a pin drop.
"You are all now Genin of Konoha and will be split into teams of three under the instruction of a Jonin sensei. The first team will-"he was interrupted by a tall man in the standard flack vest who walked into the room as if he owned it.
"I'm here for my team," he says simply. I had the strongest urge to giggle. He just looked so out of place in a children's school room. He wore red rimmed sunglasses, inside no less, and his head band was tilted slightly. He has spiky black hair and looked very familiar.
"I have not quite gotten there yet Yamashiro-san. If you would wait just a moment," the teacher says clearly irritated by the man, Yamashiro. He sighed looking bored and waved the teacher to continue. The teacher cleared his throat before beginning again.
"As I was saying before I was interrupted, team one will consist of Hiroshi, Kiyoshi, and Hagane Suikazura. Your Jonin sensei will be Yamashiro Aoba-san. Seeing as he is already here it's best not to keep him waiting. You three are dismissed." We gave each other quick looks before we stood.
"Come on you three, let's go get something to eat," Aoba-sensei gestured for us to follow him. We just shrugged and left the room.
"First and foremost why don't we go get some lunch? We can talk while we eat." Always up for free food we follow him to a BB-Q restaurant that was popular in the village.
"Alright why don't we start with introductions," he says after we were seated comfortably.
"You already know my name, and can call me Aoba-sensei. And you are?" he looks at Hiroshi.
"My name is Hiroshi."
"I'm Kiyoshi." Aoba-sensei noticed the lack of last names.
"Orphans then?" the boys tense before nodding affirmative. Sensei then turns to me expectantly.
"I'm Hagane Suikazura," I say quietly looking down. I'm not very good with people I don't know too well and he was kinda intimidating.
"Any relation to Kotetsu?" he asks curiously.
"Yes. He is my older brother," Aoba-sensei nods his head in understanding.
"Just as I thought," he says as a waitress brings us our food. He was weird. He didn't seem to care that we were all civilians; he only asked us questions about ourselves. He seemed genuinely interested in who we were as people, not caring who was our family.
"You three seem pretty close. How long have you been friends?"
"About five years," I say questioningly.
"Four and a half," Kiyoshi replies. I roll my eyes.
"Whatever, same difference." Sensei seems amused by our conversation. I can see his lips twitching.
"Have you ever had a team before, sensei?" Hiroshi asks.
"No you are my first. I am a special Jonin, not usually picked for Genin teams," my eyes widen in understanding. No one expected us to get very far so they gave us an inexperienced teacher who isn't even considered a full Jonin. As a special Jonin he specialized in a certain field and achieved the title Jonin because of it. After years of being a special Jonin he could probably pass as a full Jonin but that was beside the point.
"You're very quick Suikazura." Aoba-sensei said, while the boys looked between us confused.
"What? What's wrong?" Kiyoshi asked.
"They picked him as our teacher because they don't expect us to get very far. No offense sensei, but you aren't even considered a full Jonin. They assigned you to us because they want us to fail before we become a casualty to the village," he nods his head at me, confirming my suspicion.
"I do not care what families you three come from. After lunch I will test your abilities, and if I find you competent I will take you on as my students. Though I am inexperienced as a teacher I will do my best for the three of you. I hope we can work together, besides, I seem to have taken a liking to you three." We all just stare at him dumbfounded. Here he was, exactly what we needed; a teacher who would help us full time. We couldn't stop our smiles after his little speech.
"That doesn't mean I've passed you. We still have to spar," he says, blushing uncomfortably. This was going to be fun. We quickly finish our food, eager to get to a practice field, but sensei seemed perfectly content to walk at the pace of a snail. He seemed like a Kakashi wannabe. The very thought of him in a mask and being late everywhere had me laughing.
The boys were quick to pester me about my sudden outburst but I just waved them off. We made it to the field and all assumed battle ready positions; the three of us against Aoba-sensei. There is a moment of silence before he explodes into a mass of crows. Their cawing is confusing and no matter how much I try to dispel the Genjutsu, I can't; it is a really good technique.
Instead of wasting time I use the grass to find his chakra. There, behind Hiroshi. Closing my eyes I focus on his movements. Before he gets the chance to attack I have him bound by my vines. The Genjutsu breaks and his body has been replaced by a log.
"In the tree," Kiyoshi calls to us. I can see him working the beginnings of his own Genjutsu, just as Hiroshi is starting his water whip. He became very adept at the move after we figured out he was a water type. They needed time so I jumped to sensei's location ready to stall him. I ran right for him and purposely pulled my vines up behind me.
He seemed to think it was part of the Genjutsu that Kiyoshi was working on and tried dispelling it, which gave me enough time to attack; too bad he dodged. He jumps back and turns just in time to block as Hiroshi's whip goes flying at him. I back off to take in the situation. We weren't battling to kill, and neither was he. He wanted us to use all our tricks and see how we fight before deciding whether to teach us or not.
If using the Disposition helped sway him in the slightest, then I was going to use it. We needed a teacher. Kiyoshi, finished with his jutsu, runs up to help Hiroshi, but all it does is slow him down for a second before I feel his presence behind me. I duck instinctively, and just in time too. Unsheathing my dagger and grabbing a kunai for my right hand, I turn to respond to his attack with my own.
He easily blocks and dodges everything I throw at him, paying me back double. He may be a Genjutsu type, but he was no slacker. Hiroshi gets behind him and catches him with the whip before sensei once again disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving Kiyoshi in his place. We quickly untangled ourselves before turning to find where sensei had gone.
"You three need a lot of work but I think I can handle you," sensei says from across the field.
"You mean it?" Kiyoshi asks hopefully. Aoba-sensei just nods his head, pushing up his glasses in the process.
"Wohoo!" Kiyoshi cheers, high fiving an equally excited Hiroshi.
"Thank you sensei, you won't regret this," I say, bowing politely. He smiles down at us as he waits for us to calm down.
"Tomorrow we meet here at seven sharp. Now go home and rest, you three deserved it." With spirits high we prepared to leave.
"Suikazura, I'd like to have a word," the boys look back at me, prepared to wait, but I wave them to go on ahead.
"The Hokage mentioned your ability to me, but I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. Would you clarify what it is?" I nod and take a moment to collect my thoughts. Well, here goes nothing.
"I have the ability to control the growth of all plants. With just a bit of chakra I can make a once dead clearing teeming with life. It does not take as much chakra as a jutsu would, and I don't need jutsu to do it. I do, however, need an existing plant to work with, it's why I carry these," I point to my seed pouches.
"Tell me, can you control wood as well?" I pause.
"I can make wood grow, but something about it drains more than twice as much chakra as a vine or a flower would. It grows at a much slower pace than flowers and vines as well," he nods in understanding and motions me to continue.
"I'm not really considered a sensor type, but I can feel people who are connected to the ground. It is not accurate and should not be fully depended on as if it were. If someone were to henge as Kiyoshi I would be able to tell the difference, but if someone were to henge as you, I would not. I do not know your chakra very well yet, and would have trouble recognizing it.
"I can tell if someone is a ninja or civilian, but there are ninja who can disguise their chakra like that of a civilian. I cannot tell the difference," he seems to be pondering something before he speaks up.
"How does this affect your chakra control practice? If you were to attempt tree climbing, would you be able to?" would I? It took longer than it should have, but I was eventually able to learn the leaf concentration exercise. My brows are furrowed as I reply.
"I should be able to learn it, but I may be much slower in the uptake then the boys."
"That makes sense. Thank you for explaining this to me. I must go inform the Hokage of your team's pass. I will see you tomorrow," I wave goodbye at him as he leaves. Letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding, I began the walk home. I was about half way there when Kotetsu jumps out at me. He snakes an arm around my neck as Izumo comes and does the same on my other side.
"So, did you pass?" I attempt to slip out of their grasp but they don't budge.
"Yes I did, now please let go,"
"That's good news. And no I don't think we will," I elbow Izumo for his taunting reply.
"It's your fault for spacing out like that. Now that we have you, we won't let go until we get home," Kotetsu says triumphantly.
"How old are you two? I seem to have forgotten because of your inability to act your age." Izumo rolls his eyes as Kotetsu whacks me in the head.
"Fine. Don't let go, in fact be my guest and hold on as long as you want. But don't blame me when you have back problems from bending over for so long," they only laugh at my futile attempt to shake them off. They could be such boys some times. When I got home I went straight to my room. There was a lot of paper work to fill out. By the time I was done, I was seriously considering taking up origami.
The next morning we all met bright and early, eager for our first day with a new teacher. He appeared not too much later than us and set us straight to work. Before going on missions, he wanted to get a better feel of our strengths, weaknesses, adaptability, and teamwork. We were overall a good team. Where one had a weakness another had strength, it was only a matter of switching tasks and putting our teamwork to use.
Hiroshi had a scary aptitude for water and medical jutsu, but his weapons handling left much to be desired. Kiyoshi was just above average with Genjutsu, and would have to work really hard to make up for his lack of Ninjutsu. I was good at taijutsu, but I was no Rock Lee. I specialize with close combat and could adjust to long range support if need be.
My chakra control is average and I have no luck with Genjutsu, but my weapons wielding was almost as good as Kotetsu's. After spending so much time learning and training with them, I'd be surprised if I wasn't close. My aim still sucks, though. My main advantage was the element of surprise. The first came with my unusual brawlers' style, followed by the Disposition, and before an enemy knows it, he has a well placed kunai in the gut.
That's the theory, anyway. We still had yet to take on our first mission, let alone fight our first real enemy. We spent that whole week showing what we knew, practicing what we knew, and barely touching the surface of what we didn't. We were all given body weights to help improve our physical strength. Aside from that, it felt like I was going to a show-and-tell version of the academy.
Aoba-sensei spent a lot of time with us individually. He spoke with us, went down to our level to understand our personalities, and taught us what he knew without reservation. I hold great respect for Aoba-sensei. He has never had a team before, but he was doing a damn good job so far. By the time we took on our first mission a week later, we felt ready.
"It's good to see you here for your first mission, team Aoba," it wasn't rare for the Hokage to be present, especially when we were a new Genin team. He always greets them and gives them their first mission, it was tradition. I knew this but I still felt like he was watching me.
He was watching me and seeing how I act around my teammates. It made me nervous, and I spoke much less than usual after entering the great red building. I had seen the Hokage before quite a few times; he liked to make himself visible. Never before have I had a direct conversation with the man and I was finding it hard to gather my thoughts.
Though he gave off the impression of a nice old man, I could feel the raw power he emanated. It was very intimidating. He wasn't the only one in the room but he was definitely the most memorable.
"Your mission will be to weed the all the Yamanaka farms outside the village gates. We will expect to hear from you again before nightfall. Good luck," good luck was right. Weeds didn't die when I touched them, at least I hadn't thought of a way yet.
Hokage forgotten, my mood became thoughtful. The only time I had tried to kill a plant; I had taken its life. Maybe there was a possibility to transfer the life, nature chakra, without expending my own. If there was a way I hope I find it because that could be very useful. When I used the disposition I bent the chakra and pushed small amounts of my own into it to ease the process.
Can I take the chakra from one plant and give it to another? Can I do it without taking the chakra in first? It had been years since I touched the nature chakra, and it scared me. But I would never learn without taking risks. I couldn't do it alone though. I wonder what the chances are of the Hokage knowing about nature chakra. I put that question away for later.
We made our way out of town to the first farm and worked swiftly. I waited until we were at the last farm of the day before I proposed my idea to sensei. I wanted his opinion on the idea. In the end he agreed and I sat down by a tree. I noticed with an ironic snort that this was the same tree I had first attempted this under. With my shoes off and my hands digging into the ground, I closed my eyes.
I could feel the whole field, every last piece of grass. It was both intimidating and exhilarating. Focusing on the weeds only I felt around for their energy. It wasn't too hard to find them, there weren't that many and they were the only plants that weren't in a neat row. I reached out and touched the energy, still a bit nervous. Tugging it, I began to pull it from its anchor. The feeling of the chakra running up my 'roots' freaked me out so much I cut the connection.
"Are you all right Suikazura?" I nod my head, breathing harder than usual.
"I'm going to try again," I say quietly, once again closing my eyes. It had been a reflex to stop what I was doing when I felt the chakra, but doing that would get me nowhere. It took a few tries but I eventually latched onto a weed and used my chakra to guide it to the rest of the field. I almost flinched when I felt the chakra enter my body, but breathed out a sigh of relief when it left just as quickly.
Opening my eyes I took in the state of the field. It had worked; I could barely contain my excitement. The boys were gaping at the field that was now much bigger than before, and I had to giggle at their expressions.
"Mission accomplished," I say cheekily at them. They look at me and just laugh, but it quickly changes to worry as I sway while trying to get up.
"I'm fine!" I say automatically, hands held up defensively.
"Just a little dizzy from doing that on such a large scale. Why don't we go pick up the dead weeds and go home?" I say, changing the subject. I almost jump at the hand that was laid on my shoulder.
"Suikazura, why don't you sit this one out," my expression turns annoyed as I grumbled at Aoba-sensei, but sat back down none the less. When we returned to the missions desk that evening; the Hokage was no longer there, probably finding something more important to do.
When I went home that night I told Yamanaka-san of my experiment. He wasn't happy that I had attempted it without him, but he couldn't be completely upset with me. I had Aoba-sensei there after all, and Yamanaka-san knew he wouldn't have let anything bad happen. Once I finished explaining the theory to him and what I had done, he had me demonstrate. I fell into a deep sleep that night, utterly exhausted.
The next morning my team met up for some pre-mission training before heading off to the missions' desk where we were sent off to paint some fences. It was boring mind numbing work and we finished fairly fast. We were let loose for the day and I decided to find Sasuke. Itachi's birthday was that week and I needed his help with my present. I eventually found him in one of the training fields.
"Hey Sasuke." He looks up and smiles at me.
"Are you here with Itachi or are you training by yourself?" and now he was pouting.
"I was with Itachi but then he got called for another mission."
"That's good. I need your help with something. I'm drawing a picture for Itachi's birthday and I thought you might want to help." He was eager to help me, so we set to work. By the time we were finished with the picture we were both trying not to fall into fits of laughter. Because it just looked so funny. I told Sasuke when and where to meet me with Itachi in two days and set out for home.
I was walking past a local book store and decided to enter, looking around to pass the time. That's when I saw it, The Tales of a Gutsy Ninja; I had to buy it. I started reading it but never had the chance to finish it. Instead it went everywhere with me in my bag in case the chance to read arose.
When we met up Itachi looked wrong. There was something off about him. He hid it well, but I could tell how tired he was. My eyes widen with realization; it was almost time. Instead of doing anything I cut right to the chase.
"Happy Birthday!" I yell loudly in his ear. He glares but then rolls his eyes at me.
"Hello. Is there a reason Sasuke insisted I be here?"
"We have something to give you," Sasuke said to him, and then to me,
"Quick, give it to him," I shuffled around in my bag until I found it and presented it to a rather unimpressed Itachi. My drawing skills were limited to detailed stick figures, but that never stopped me from giving a new one to him every birthday. This time I had had Sasuke help.
I handed them to him as he took in the first picture. It was of the three of us having some sort of face off. The second page was us all throwing weapons at each other, which led to the third page. A victorious Sasuke standing on a knocked out Itachi's back, with big X's for eyes. There was a mini me in the background clapping for them. Itachi's eyebrows were twitching.
"And here is the last page," I hand it to him with an unnecessary flourish. The last picture was of Sasuke helping Itachi back up, both of them smiling. I saw Itachi's grip tighten on the picture for a moment before loosening them again. There was an almost peaceful look on his face as he stared at the last one.
"So are you going to add these to your ever growing collection?" I ask, trying to break up the moment. He just rolls his eyes again and puts them in his pocket. The three of us spent the rest of the day together catching up. I had forgotten how relaxing Itachi's presence was, but it couldn't stop the ominous feeling that kept nagging at the back of my mind.
That night I was woken by the loud ringing of the emergency alarm. There was a code in it calling all Jonin, but even if I wasn't supposed to go, I couldn't just fall back to sleep. I found myself sitting in the kitchen with my equally twitchy brothers. We didn't speak other than to ask how the others wanted their hot chocolate.
I spent the whole morning in a daze before I heard the knock at the door. It was Yamanaka-san looking very grave.
"Suikazura, we need you down at the intelligence division," I blinked in confusion. Why would they need me there? I had no skill with interrogation, unless… unless they wanted to question me. I gulped and nodded following behind him as he led the way. I was one of the last people to see Itachi yesterday.
They brought me into a big room with dim lights and sat me on the chair in the middle. It had metal parts attached to it that must be used for strapping someone down. Just the thought of being strapped into that chair and tortured had me shaking in my boots.
"Calm down. We just need to ask you some questions," his voice was soothing, but I wasn't calming down anytime soon. There was blood on the floor. The doors open and in walk a man that could only be Ibiki. He is tall and most of his skin is covered. In fact the only part of him showing was his face. He was both calming and intimidating.
He pulled Yamanaka-san aside and they spoke in hushed voices. Not knowing what to do I decide to just sit as still as possible. I'm embarrassed that I actually began to doze off. After staying up the whole night, I had exhausted myself with worry. They startled me into alertness when Ibiki spoke.
"Are you aware of what happened last night?" the question was curt as if he was expecting an answer and nothing but the truth. I nod my head, misunderstanding the question on purpose.
"Yes. My brothers and I were woken by the bells," they both blinked at me and then jumped topics.
"Where were you yesterday?"
"In the morning I went on a mission with my team. That afternoon I met up with two of my friends, Sasuke and Itachi. It was Itachi's birthday so we wanted to give him his present. Then I went home for dinner and trained with Yamanaka-san like always. Last night the bells went off and my brothers and I had hot chocolate. We were too scared to sleep," the both looked at me, sizing up the truth of my words.
"It is mainly for protocols sake, but would you let Yamanaka-san enter your mind?" it wasn't a question.
"N-no," I faked confusion, but the fear was all real. Yamanaka-san had been silent through most of this. He walks up to me and places a hand on my head. All the memories of the past week flew around behind my eyes, overwhelming me. I knew he was trying to be gentle, but it was still uncomfortable. I felt him begin to pull out before he paused.
"Chana if you want the washer use it now."
"Ok ok, geesh women hold your horses."
"You have to walk the dogs in the morning."
"Nope. On the weekend the dogs are all yours."
"Rachel please be quiet, I'm trying to watch something," snippets of conversation from my past life. He pulled out. I open my eyes and see him looking at me curiously before he turned to face Ibiki.
"She knows nothing," Ibiki nods and looks at me.
"There was a massacre at the Uchiha compound last night. Sasuke Uchiha is the only survivor," my eyes are wide as I just stare at him.
"W-who killed them?" I asked quietly, already knowing the answer.
"Itachi Uchiha. As his friend we brought you in to make sure you had no part in it," I nod in understanding; I'd have done the same thing had I been in their position.
"Where is Sasuke? Can I see him?" I saw they were about to deny me, but then they saw the pleading desperation in my eyes. They exchanged a glance before nodding and leading me out of the building.
"He is not to see anyone for his own safety, but we will make an exception this once," said Ibiki. We enter the hospital and walk to the back where and ANBU was guarding the last door. He stepped aside when he saw us and let me in. Ibiki and Yamanaka-san waited outside.
I walked into the room and saw the pitiful state Sasuke was in. he was just sitting there, unresponsive. It was as if he had lost the will to fight, as if it had all been sucked out of him leaving only a dried out husk of his former self.
I went to sit in the chair at the end of the bed and faced him, my hands folded in my lap. His eyes raise just the tiniest bit in acknowledgement before lowering again. But I saw how empty they were.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry? You're sorry? Sorry won't bring back my clan! Sorry won't make Itachi come back! You don't know anything!" he looked demented, his body shaking, and his voice cracking from disuse.
"You don't even care do you? You're just like them! You don't care that my family is dead!" his voice was accusing and it hurt, but I let him exhaust himself before I spoke.
"I do know Sasuke. He was my friend. When I heard he killed your whole clan, I thought-"I pause, taking a deep breath.
"I thought he killed you too. I thought you were dead Sasuke. Even if only for a moment I knew exactly how you felt," and I looked at him with such pain in my eyes that he had to know I was telling the truth.
"I'm going to kill him," Sasuke's quiet, murderous voice spoke.
"I'm going to kill him!" it wasn't just anger and hate in his voice. It was pain of the worst kind that he was feeling; betrayal. And then he shrieked.
"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" and he just kept screaming. No tears, just a long cry of pain, a wail of frustration. He was hurting so much, and I couldn't do anything but sit there my eyes facing downward.
"Yeah…" my voice was small in the silence that followed his outburst, but I knew he heard me.
"But Sasuke…" he looks up at me, face blank.
"Will you come back home afterward?" I sounded like a child, scared their parent wouldn't come home, but I didn't care. Even if he eventually breaks any promises he makes, I still needed to hear them right now. He looks at me, not expecting that.
"Please don't just leave. I know he was my friend, but you are too. I can't bear to lose you both," he continues to look at me with a blank face. And then his tears begin to fall; slowly at first, one by one, until they are a continuous stream down his cheeks. He doesn't say anything, just nods, but it was all I need.
"Thank you," I whisper as he nods again, this time more sure of the action. We sat there for a while, neither of us talking. We didn't need to, because we knew how the other felt. It was getting dark out when I finally stood up from my seat.
"I need to go," he just stares blankly, tears having dried out hours ago. I walk towards him and place a hand on his shoulder, keeping it there until he looked at me.
"I'll come and visit tomorrow, okay? Please try to get some rest," he flinched at my words. Just the thought of sleeping after having seen what he did must have scared him. I couldn't leave him like this.
"Here, if you can't get to sleep why don't you just read something," I say, handing him the Tales of a Gutsy Ninja. His only response is a small barely noticeable nod. I squeeze his shoulder before making my way out of the room.
And I hated myself. Why hadn't I done anything? Why didn't I even try? Was I really so selfish, so comfortable with my life, that I let this happen? It was my fault that Sasuke was in such pain. It was my fault that Itachi was destroyed for his village, his brother. It was my fault because I was content to do nothing when I very well knew of the outcome.
I knew that I wouldn't have been able to do anything to stop it, but couldn't I have at least tried? I felt disgusting, dirty, like I had been infected by my guilt. It was guilt I had no right to feel, having brought this on myself. I deserve it, because I did nothing. And I hate myself even more when I wanted to blame someone.
Danzo; because he really was the root of the problem. But as responsible for this as he was, I couldn't place the blame on him. Not fully at least. So much had gone into the downfall of the Uchiha, he was just the catalyst.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I sat in the tree in my backyard, just meditating. I was thinking, sorting out my feelings, some so irrational. But no matter how much I knew I couldn't have done anything, I felt like I should have. I felt guilty for not doing anything, causing me to hate myself for feeling like I had the right to feel that way. Because I knew I deserved any pain it caused.
I had thought I had gotten out of this self destructive thinking long ago, but I guess I was wrong. I have never liked myself, because I am a disgusting human. I may not be as bad as Danzo or Madara, but I was skewered in my own way. And I was angry. Angry at Danzo, Madara, I was angry at Itachi. Because I thought I had stopped this way of thinking, and just once incident has me going over the edge again.
I felt trapped, like any progress I made would be destroyed. I felt like I had been destroyed. The walls I had built many years ago to keep me safe from myself were crumbling, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I knew I was unstable now. I knew what I was feeling was wrong. I knew I had a right to be guilty, but… It was so hard to change the first time. Now I had to do it all over.
I didn't need to start from scratch. I wasn't a fourteen year old, so uncomfortable in her own home that she never slept, locked her door all the time, and heard those voices. I wasn't the broken twelve year old who thought her mother hated her, and so treated her in kind. I wasn't the angry eight-year old who would get so upset she would hit her brothers.
But I wasn't the fifteen year old who overcame that either. I wasn't the sixteen year old who finally stood up for herself and forged her own path. I wasn't the seventeen year old who, though not exactly 'happy', was content with what she had earned herself. I wasn't breaking and I wasn't healing. I wasn't Chana anymore.
I was thirteen year old Suikazura, a girl who needed to separate from her old self, before she self destructs. I am the daughter of two amazing people, and sister to the best brothers in the world. I have some friends who mean more to me then the world, even if I didn't always act like it.
I had been Chana before, but I wasn't now. Not fully. I used to be Chana and had her personality and experiences, her mind. But now I was Suikazura, and I had to let Chana go. Not completely, I would never be able to get rid of her completely, but I would take what I had learned as Chana and use it so that Suikazura never makes the same mistakes. Because Suikazura is different; because unlike Chana who lost hers early on, Suikazura has a chance.
This chapter came out much longer than I had first anticipated. Hope you enjoyed it, leave a review and come again!
ToeGirth,
Signing Out