Love Sees More 3: Greyback's Pack
Chapter 6 - The Transformation
By the time Remus returned to his cell after breakfast, he was exhausted and sore. His joints were already aching in anticipation of the full moon, and staying up nearly all night long certainly hadn't helped. He collapsed on his cot and for once, sleep came easily to him.
What felt like only mere minutes after he had laid down, Greyback was waking him again already. "Up," he ordered, unlocking Remus's cell. "It's almost lunch time, and we have a lot to do before the transformation tonight."
Remus's heart did a flip-flop in his chest as he got up from his bed. He rubbed at his face, wishing desperately for just five more minutes of peaceful sleep - of that place where he didn't have to think about the task that lay ahead of him.
"You look tired," Greyback commented as Remus stepped out of his cell.
"I didn't…sleep very well last night," Remus said, wondering if that was a good thing to say or not.
Greyback narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure you didn't sneak out last night?"
Remus's own eyes widened, and he suddenly felt awake and alert. "No, sir."
Greyback's expression softened. "I was joking."
A breathless laugh escaped from Remus, partially a result from surprise; he didn't think Greyback ever did such things as make jokes.
"If it makes you feel any better," Greyback said, leading Remus from the shack, "I didn't sleep well either. Not after Talon felt the need to wake me up at the arse crack of dawn for no reason whatsoever."
For reasons he couldn't explain, Remus felt like he should apologize for that. Apologize for what, he wasn't even sure. Maybe for being the reason Talon had been acting up and for causing Greyback to lose his second-in-command. Maybe for being there in the first place when he knew he didn't belong. He couldn't, of course, so he didn't say anything. In the back of his mind, Remus wondered why he even cared so much.
As they walked, Greyback watched him closely. "You're nervous about tonight," he observed.
Remus considered lying, but he didn't think it would do any good. He knew his fear was showing more and more the closer he got to his test, and Greyback wouldn't be happy at all if he knew Remus was lying. "Yes," Remus finally whispered.
Greyback stopped walking then and turned to face Remus who followed suit. The older werewolf's head was tilted and his eyes looked slightly curious. "You've never bitten anyone, either," Greyback said.
Remus swallowed. Why was Greyback telling him these things? From his tone, Greyback clearly already knew the answers. Maybe he was testing Remus, just to see what sorts of answers he would give, so Remus didn't think it a good idea to even attempt to lie. "No, sir," he said quietly.
Greyback grinned, that horrible toothy smile that Remus had grown to hate. "I can tell," Greyback said. "You smell…innocent."
What other things can he smell? Remus thought. Lies, perhaps? Remus doubted that; surely Greyback would have killed him already if he could, but it still made Remus uncomfortable. If he smelled innocent now, what would he smell like after his test was over? Would Greyback be able to tell that the entire thing was a farce? That he hadn't really turned anyone? Then again, if Greyback was that sensitive to things, he'd certainly know by now that Remus had been doing nothing but lying, wouldn't he?
Remus began to suspect that Greyback was only saying things to scare him. They weren't allowed to lie to Greyback, but Greyback probably didn't have any problems lying to them if need be.
"I don't suspect that Dumbledore would have liked for you to be biting people though," Greyback went on, breaking the silence that had fallen. "Not if you were trying to prove your loyalty to him."
"No, sir."
"And look where that's gotten you," Greyback replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "You've been denying yourself blood all this time and for what? For an old fool that drove you away with his distrust. I would never drive any loyal followers away, and unlike Dumbledore, I know the difference," he said haughtily.
I'm sure you do, Remus thought sarcastically.
Greyback dropped his arms and stepped closer to Remus, staring down at him. "Nor would I ever deny you blood," Greyback went on. "You don't know what it's like yet. You're too afraid to even try eating any animals. That will all change after tonight. When you turn someone, it's like no other feeling in the world. It's empowering and it's what we are meant to do! And there's nothing wrong with biting people, Remus, unlike those human fools would have you believe. It's just our true nature and we are entitled to that. There's no need to be afraid of it. On the contrary, you'll see after tonight how rewarding it is to embrace your true nature."
Greyback suddenly turned and continued on toward the mess hall. Remus hung back, taking a moment to let out the shiver he had been suppressing. He rolled his eyes, then had the insane urge to laugh. Greyback, he was coming to realize, was nothing but a huge fake himself. Remus was pretty sure Greyback didn't have the slightest clue about anything, and he only succeeded as alpha wolf through his bullying tactics.
Not for the first time, Remus wondered why anyone would want to live with Greyback. Everyone was terrified of him, of whatever reason he might find to punish them, and they were constantly walking around on eggshells. That wasn't much of a life, but Remus didn't suppose they had much of a life to begin with. Remus always considered himself extremely lucky for the opportunities he had gotten and the friends he'd been able to make. If he'd never had any of that, then he could almost imagine being desperate enough to want to join Greyback, to have just some place to belong. Almost.
Remus finally shook his head to clear his thoughts, took a deep breath, and followed Greyback, hoping that any wayward reactions were out of his system. He joined Greyback and the others in the mess hall and waited while Greyback made sure everyone was accounted for.
"Excellent," Greyback hummed, "everyone is here. Now, as I mentioned before breakfast, Remus is being tested tonight. As a reminder to all of you, no one is to interfere in his test in any way, shape, or form. This test is for Remus, the prey is for Remus. If he fails, then I will deal with both him and the prey. I expect all of you to be able to control yourselves. The forest is large and so is the village, and you're all more than capable of finding your own meals. If anyone else so much as lays a single toe on that boy tonight, I can guarantee it'll be the last thing you ever do. Do I make myself clear?"
A murmur of affirmative responses went through the group, and it looked like Dumbledore had been right; he didn't think Greyback would look kindly on anyone interfering with Remus's test. Remus was still scared to death for his best friend, but at least there wouldn't be two dozen hungry werewolves after Sirius if something went wrong, which was somewhat of a relief.
"Very good," Greyback said cheerfully. "Remember that there will be no meeting or proper dinner tonight due to the full moon, so I'll see you all before breakfast tomorrow. Hopefully Remus will still be here-" He broke off and gave Remus a piercing stare. "In fact, I know he will be, and he'll receive his new rank then. But that's all for today, so you may all go to lunch now."
As the mess hall emptied out, Talon came into view. He was hanging around at the back of the room like he had done that morning, apparently too embarrassed to be in front of the others any longer. Just as Remus had suspected, the bruise around Talon's left eye had started to turn a sickening shade of purple, the eye itself nothing more than a mere slit. Talon, however, was grinning.
Greyback turned and left, leaving Remus and Talon in silence. Remus waited; Talon always had words to share with him, and judging by the rather smug look on his face, this time wasn't any exception.
"I guess this is goodbye," Talon finally said. "I know you're not going to bite him. You don't have it in you to bite anyone, much less a little boy."
For reasons unbeknownst to him, Remus found himself smirking right back. It wasn't Talon's words, of course, but Remus supposed it was just the fact that if everything went according to plan, Talon would be "proven" wrong yet again. Remus's smile deepened in a way that he hoped was similar to Greyback's often disturbing grin. "Just watch me," Remus said flatly. Before Remus's words sank in, he quickly turned on his heel and followed Greyback, leaving Talon staring open-mouthed after him.
Just pretending like he was fully intending on biting a seven year old boy made Remus feel worse than he could have possibly imagined. He was beginning to have serious doubts about his ability to even get through this, let alone do so convincingly. Remus knew he had to make it believable for Greyback; he had to make himself appear as vicious and bloodthirsty as possible, but he didn't know if he even had that in him. And even if he could somehow muster the strength to do so, just the thoughts of how he would feel afterwards scared him senseless.
When Remus rejoined Greyback around the corner of the mess hall, the older werewolf was looking rather pleased with himself. It was clear that he was confident in Remus…even if Remus wasn't very confident in himself at the moment.
As they walked into the woods, Greyback said, "Be sure to eat an extra large lunch. As I said, we won't be having our regular dinner tonight due to the full moon, of course. After you pass your test, you'll be free to catch and eat whatever you like in the woods or even the village."
Of course Greyback would want his pack to be extra hungry when they transformed, hence no dinner beforehand. Not that it mattered, because Remus never ate much right before a transformation anyway. He'd learned very early on that a full stomach didn't go well with the pain.
Remus wondered if biting someone was supposed to make him want to eat live things. It certainly seemed that way, with Greyback encouraging him to find a meal in the village afterwards. What would Greyback think if he didn't? Would that be a giveaway? Remus was slowly coming to realize that he didn't know nearly as much about lycanthropy as he thought he did.
"We will transform together," Greyback explained as they walked, "in the area I showed you yesterday. Once you bite the boy, you can go wherever you please and you no longer have to stay with me. You are, however, expected at the mess hall at the regular time tomorrow morning and at all before-meal meetings afterwards. You'll no longer have me to baby-sit you, so be sure to keep track of when the meetings are. It's understandable if something happens and you must miss a meeting, especially after a transformation, but you must have a reasonable explanation for doing so." He paused and added, "Being on your death bed, for example, would constitute as being a reasonable explanation."
"What happens if you do miss a meeting without a good enough reason?" Remus asked.
Greyback replied, "Physical punishment and then loss of a rank if it keeps happening. If you get back down to zeta as a result, you're out of the pack. Regular missed meetings or more than three missed meetings in a row without a suitable explanation counts as desertion of the pack. You know what happens then."
"Yes, sir."
Greyback nodded. "So don't miss meetings unless you absolutely have to. I trust you can handle that much."
"Yes, sir."
"Also," Greyback added, "while you may go anywhere, that does not include my shack. It is off-limits at all times unless I invite you in. If I catch you in there when I'm not, that is also grounds for punishment. As for sleeping arrangements, all epsilons sleep in the cave. As I told you yesterday, I believe I will grant you the rank of delta, which means you may sleep anywhere - in any of the other buildings, or the cave itself if you wish, or anywhere else on the grounds. Whatever you find most comfortable."
Had that only been yesterday that Greyback had told Remus about making him a delta? So much had happened since then, it felt like it had been a week or more, not just a day. Then again, days here did seem extremely long. Remus had only been there for three weeks, but he could have sworn it was at least three months.
When they finally entered the woods, Greyback stopped and turned to Remus again. "When you finish with your meal, you may stay out here. Use the time to rest or to prepare for this evening any way you wish. As it gets closer to the transformation, we'll go on to the village."
Remus nodded and watched as Greyback ran off to chase after some poor creature. Remus sighed, leaning heavily against a tree. He still wasn't the least bit hungry, but he knew he should probably try and eat something. He hadn't eaten very much in days and while a full stomach didn't go well with a transformation, neither did a completely empty one. Transformations were taxing enough, and he knew he needed as much strength as possible in order to get through tonight.
Remus picked his way through the woods, eating as many nuts and berries as his stomach would accept. He wondered if would ever truly feel like eating again.
When he'd had enough, Remus found his usual spot underneath a tree. He sat down, leaning up against the trunk, watching as the sun made its way through the sky. As it got closer and closer to the western horizon, Remus's fear and anxiety grew, and he was afraid that he'd be absolutely in a panic pretty soon. This entire thing was insane, and he still couldn't believe he had let Sirius and Dumbledore talk him into this.
Greyback was currently busy lying underneath his own tree, picking at his teeth with one long and yellowed fingernail. If Remus decided not to go through with this, this was probably his last chance to slip away undetected, and he considered doing just that. But he knew he couldn't. He had already given his word to Dumbledore that he was going to do this - that he was going to try and get as much information out of Greyback as possible. He couldn't quit yet.
So Remus waited, closing his eyes and trying his best to forget everything that he had to do. He was so exhausted, sleep even came to him once or twice, blissfully transporting him to that place where he didn't have to think any longer.
All too soon, Greyback woke him once again, ordering Remus to stand up and to follow him. Remus did as he was told, his movements almost seeming mechanical at this point. The entire thing even seemed unreal to him. He wasn't following Greyback to a village so that he could pretend to bite a little boy once he transformed. He just wasn't.
But he was.
When they finally got to the village, Greyback led him to the tree they had been at yesterday - the large one that stood across from the Farris's cottage, with only a few smaller trees in between. About the only thought that comforted Remus at the moment was knowing that Justin was far away from there; Dumbledore had taken the little boy to a safe place where no werewolf would be able to get to him. If nothing else came out of this, at least Remus had saved Justin from ever knowing what lycanthropy was like.
The curtains had been drawn over the cottage's windows, but bright golden lamplight glowed behind them. Remus was curious as to whether Sirius was there yet, and perhaps Dumbledore, waiting for that evening's events to begin. Justin's parents were certainly there also, being an integral part of Dumbledore's plan. Remus wondered if they were nervous at all, but he decided they were probably more relieved at this point, since their son was safe.
It was then that Remus noticed that several other werewolves from the pack had gathered around the area. It almost seemed like they were waiting for a show, excited to see a little boy turned. It made Remus sick.
Greyback turned and sat down, leaning up against a tree trunk and watching the cottage closely. He motioned for Remus to join him. "Sit down," Greyback said. "Nothing to do now but wait."
So, Remus sat down as well, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself, trying offer himself just a little bit of comfort. He wasn't so sure he wanted to do this anymore. Actually, he had never been all that sure, but now that it was so close, the fear was growing to be unbearable. It was making his throat tight, and he was having a hard time even breathing. His heart pounded faster and louder than he could ever remember, and Remus was sure Greyback would be able to hear it. Despite the cool autumn breeze, Remus was also sweating, his already dirty robes clinging to his sticky back uncomfortably. Merlin, what he wouldn't give for a shower.
"Sir," Remus asked, hoping his voice didn't shake too much, "what if the boy doesn't come out?" Remus already knew, of course, that Sirius was supposed to come out not long after the transformation, but Remus decided that asking such questions couldn't hurt. Anything to make it look like he didn't know what would happen - to put on a good show for Greyback.
"You break the door down if you have to," Greyback ordered. "And feel free to bite the parents too if they get in your way. You do anything and everything to get to that boy, understood?"
"Yes, sir," Remus said. He had absolutely no intention of even lying a toe on either of the boy's parents, but Greyback didn't know that.
"Be sure you don't kill them, however," Greyback said. "The entire purpose of this is to make them know what it's like to be a werewolf. So they know what it's like to suffer every month from something they have no control over. See how they like it then."
Remus simply nodded, his throat too tight for him to speak at all. He was suddenly sorry he had asked anything. It had only served to get Greyback started on one of his rants again, and that was the last thing Remus wanted to listen to.
The sun continued to move across the sky, making its way down toward the horizon. The light began to die, filling the forest with the orangish hues of sunset.
To try and take his mind off the task at hand, Remus directed his thoughts to his best friend. He was curious as to whether Sirius was afraid at all. He'd insist he wasn't, but sometimes Remus knew better. That was the way Sirius was; he always pretended he wasn't scared when deep down, he was terrified. Last night, Sirius had told him this wouldn't be a big deal, but was that how he really felt? Was he only pretending? Acting like this was nothing so that it might be easier for Remus?
Perhaps even Remus had been lying to himself all along. He was afraid, first and foremost, of pretending to bite a little boy. That thought frightened him like no other, but what he hadn't wanted to admit was that he was terrified of hurting his best friend in the process. Remus knew he had to make this convincing. If he didn't, his entire cover would be blown, and then Merlin only knew what Greyback might do to the both of them. What if Remus made it a little too convincing? What if the taste of blood made Moony crazy and he wouldn't be able to stop? Remus had taken the Wolfsbane last night so he would be able to keep his mind, but that didn't mean that the wolf still wouldn't try to influence him.
Why on earth had he ever agreed to this?
Remus's mind was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't even notice it had gotten dark. Not until the very first ripples of pain ran up his spine. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. Instead, he sucked in a harsh breath and stiffened, his hands forming into fists.
Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw Greyback's body going rigid from the first throes of the transformation as well. Remus closed his eyes then, trying to forget the fact that he was transforming in the middle of an open forest with Greyback of all people. This was so careless and went against everything Remus had promised himself. When he was young and stupid, running wild during a transformation had been fine, but now…even with the Wolfsbane, there was the possibility of something happening that Remus would never be able to forgive himself for. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be back in the safety of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, with Padfoot beside him. Not Greyback, the most savage werewolf in the world.
Remus curled in on himself and slowly lowered his body to the soft forest floor, cushioned by grass and leaves. At least it was much more comfortable here than in the stone basement at Sirius's house. Remus was grateful for that much.
One of his hands opened and then closed again around a handful of fallen leaves. They crunched softly under his grasp, and he could smell them - the smell of death. Remus had loved that smell so much, but now, it only seemed like it was mocking him - reminding him of what he still had to do.
He screamed then, but whether it was out of anger and frustration or out of pain, he wasn't quite sure. He wasn't even sure where his emotional pain ended and his physical pain began anymore. It all seemed to have intermingled into one giant ball of hurt, raging inside him. That scared him. What he didn't let himself feel, the wolf certainly always did, and then it came out when the wolf came out. The last three weeks had forced Remus to suppress his feelings so much, and now he was certainly going to pay for that. Or someone would, anyway.
Remus twisted over onto his back, his limbs flailing and then reforming. He tried to ignore the yells from the other werewolves around him, concentrating on himself instead. He just needed to get through the transformation, and then he would worry about the task at hand. One thing at a time, because worrying about everything all at once was only serving to amplify the pain, he was sure.
Remus's back arched, pain running up and down his spine and out through his limbs. He threw his head back and screamed again, but then something occurred to him - an almost comforting thought. Maybe Sirius - or perhaps he was Padfoot already - could hear him. That didn't quite make him feel so alone; Sirius was here, and he wasn't very far away. Maybe he was even looking out the window of the cottage, trying to find Remus in the darkness.
"Padfoot," Remus whispered, and then he turned over on his side again. He shut his eyes as tightly as he could as the last spasms of the transformation ripped through his body - Moony's body. The pain began to subside, leaving Remus panting for air, his mind slowly turning to the next part of the plan once again.
Everything was quiet. The werewolves were resting for a moment, recovering from the pain of the transformation. The only things Moony could hear were the soft autumn breeze, and the relentless chirping of crickets.
Moony slowly opened his eyes, finding the golden lamplight of the cottage, only slightly obscured by leaves and the trunks of trees. The minutes seemed to stretch, and Moony began to hope that perhaps the transformation had killed Greyback. He hadn't heard a peep from the older werewolf and didn't dare look in his direction. He just wanted to forget that Greyback even existed.
Something squealed, and Moony's heart thudded when he realized it was the door to the cottage. It opened just a crack, spilling a pillar of gold light across the forest floor. Moony swallowed and then he saw him - Justin. No, it's Padfoot. Padfoot. That was what Remus had to force himself to remember, otherwise he would never get through this.
Justin didn't look unlike Remus as a little boy. He was rather small, even for seven. His hair was brown, but darker than Remus's, appearing almost black in the gloom of the night. That sort of helped, in fact - just something else to remind Remus that this was Sirius.
The boy stepped out onto the porch of the small cottage, appearing to just be taking in the night. He looked up at the sky, at the full moon hanging above them, then back down towards the woods. Remus was sure he imagined it, but he almost thought that their eyes connected. Then Justin shook his head, letting his shoulder-length hair flop around his shoulders. That gesture was so Sirius, and that made it easier, too. Remus felt Moony's lips curling up into a smile.
Moony wondered if Greyback would think it suspicious - the very boy he was supposed to bite suddenly waltzing out into his yard immediately after the transformation. Greyback, however, didn't seem to care. He had made his way over to Remus, prodding against Remus's back with his nose to alert him to the prey. Greyback's mind was probably too animalistic at that point to worry about such "coincidences".
Moony turned over onto his stomach, getting his feet on the ground. He pushed himself up and shook his body, trying to divest his fur of a few clinging leaves and blades of grass. Greyback nudged him again, and Moony growled. If Greyback so much as touched him again, Remus thought he'd feel like ripping his nose off, consequences be damned. This was hard enough without Greyback hovering over him like this. But Greyback seemed pleased; the entire point of this was to make Justin suffer, so growling, irritable Moony was good.
It was then that Remus realized just how large Greyback was, not just in human form, but in his wolf form as well. Moony's head only came up to Greyback's hulking shoulders, which was more than a little intimidating. If Remus didn't do a convincing job of this and Greyback decided to attack him for it, Moony wouldn't have much of a chance at all.
Greyback growled, his yellow eyes narrowed and his teeth bared. He threw his head in the direction of the cottage, making it clear that he wanted Remus to go now. Moony stalked over to the very edge of the tree line, trying his best to appear confident, even though his legs felt like jelly. He could hear Greyback not far behind him, watching his every move. Merlin, did he have to stand so close?
Remus had never been around other werewolves during a transformation before, and he realized for the first time just how territorial he felt. He didn't like Greyback hovering around him one bit. Remus had never felt that way with Padfoot or any of the other Marauders, so it must have been strictly a werewolf thing. He kept getting the urge to snarl in Greyback's direction and claw at him, but he knew that wouldn't be very smart.
Justin had descended the steps from the porch, wandering along the edge of the flower bed against the side of the house. His head was directed up, apparently trying to get a good look at the full moon through the thick growth of trees overhead.
Is that how Remus had looked as little boy? Wandering around outside, unaware that his entire life had been about to change? But no, this wasn't like that at all. Justin was somewhere safe. This was Sirius, who was fully prepared for and protected from what was going to happen.
Remus tried desperately to hold on to that thought as he lowered himself toward the ground, trying to look as much like a werewolf stalking its prey as possible. He crept along the forest floor, blades of grass dragging along the underside of Moony's belly as he went. Thankfully, Greyback stayed behind, continuing to hide in the safety of the trees. Remus didn't know what he would have done if Greyback had insisted on following the entire way.
Moony continued to close the distance between himself and the boy, and truth be told, it wasn't as hard as he had imagined it would be. Remus was reminded of all the times he and Padfoot had played, chasing each other around the grounds of Hogwarts, pretending to prey on each other. It was just like that, only Padfoot wasn't quite in dog form at the moment. Now that he was close enough, Remus realized how much the boy even smelled like Sirius, making those memories stronger yet.
When Moony was only a dozen or so strides from Justin, he let out a low, guttural growl, letting the prey know he was close. Justin rounded on him, his bright blue eyes growing wide - blue, just like Sirius's. Remus could see him swallowing as the boy began to step back. Moony followed, keeping the same distance between them. Justin kept on going, backing up through the flowerbed, smashing some of the flowers in his wake. When the boy's back connected with the side of the house, he stopped, his eyes widening even more in fear.
Neither of them moved for several seconds, and then everything seemed to happen all at once. Justin darted towards his left, running for the porch. Moony broke into a run as well, which the body of a seven year old boy was no match against. Moony reached him quickly, reared up onto his back legs, and jumped.
Moony's front paws connected with the boy's shoulders, immediately forcing him to the ground. Justin yelped in surprise, his arms and legs spread-eagling and scrambling for purchase on the ground. Moony reached for the boy's waist, being careful with his claws, and pushed Justin over onto his back. Remus needed to see his eyes - the bright blue ones that were like Sirius's.
Moony opened his mouth wide and snarled. Justin's own mouth opened wide in a scream, his tiny limbs continuing to flail. That sound almost made Moony want to stop - that horrible, little boy scream that he was sure wasn't much different from his own at that age. But Remus knew he couldn't stop. If he did now, Greyback would turn on the both of them, and Remus wasn't about to let that happen.
The boy continued to scream, but then Remus focused on the eyes again - just the eyes. He could see Sirius in them, somewhere in the depths of the little boy's body, and they were fearless. Not terrified like they should be, but brave and trusting like Sirius's always were when he looked at Remus.
Before Remus could lose his nerve, he pressed his left paw into Justin's shoulder, holding him securely in place. He allowed his claws to pierce the sleeve of the boy's robes until he felt a warm wetness against his paw. Sirius had told him to make this believable, after all. Remus didn't think it would be very convincing at all if he had little to no blood on him.
Moony opened his mouth again and let out one last snarl. Then he leaned in and fastened his teeth around Justin's left shoulder. The boy's screams, nothing but sounds of pain, echoed in his ears while blood rolled over Moony's tongue like there was no tomorrow.
And perhaps there wasn't.
To be continued...